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MANNEES
AND
SOCIAL USAGES
By MRS. JOHN^ SHERWOOD
AUTHOR or "▲ TllAlfSPLANTSD ROSX"
'^Hannera are the shadows of groat virtues.*^— Whatslxt
"Solid Fashion is Ai&ded politeness."— Emxbsoii
NEW YORK
HARPER & BROTHERS, FRANKLIN SQUARE
1884
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Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1884, by
HARPER & BROTHERS,
In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington.
All ri(^ rtMnmL
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PREFACE.
Theee is no country where there are so many
people asking what is " proper to do," or, indeed,
where there are so many genuinely anxious to do
the proper thing, as in the vast conglomerate which
we call the United States of America. The new-
ness of our country is perpetually renewed by the
sudden making of fortunes, and by the absence of
a hereditary, reigning set. There is no aristocracy
here which has the right and title to set the fash-
ions.
But a "reigning set," whether it depend upon
hereditary right or adventitious wealth, if it be pos-
sessed of a desire to lead and a disposition to hospi-
tality, becomes for a period the dictator of fashion
to a large number of lookers-on. The travelling
world, living far from great centres, goes to New-
port, Saratoga, New York, Washington, Philadelphia,
Boston, and gazes on what is called the latest Amer-
ican fashion. This, though exploited by what we
may call for the sake of distinction the " newer set,"
is influenced and shaped in some degree by people
of native refinement and taste, and that wide ex-
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4 PBEFACS.
perience which is gained by travel and association
-Nvith broad and cultivated minds. They counteract
the tendency to vulgarity, which is the great danger
of a newly launched society, so that our social con-
dition improves, rather than retrogrades, with every
decade.
There may be many social purists who will dis-
agree with us in this statement. Men and women
educated in the creeds of the Old World, with the
good blood of a long ancestry of quiet ladies and
gentlemen, find modern American society, particu-
larly in New York and at Newport, fast, furious,
and vulgar. There are, of course, excesses com-
mitted everywhere in the name of fashion ; but we
cannot see that they are peculiar to America. We
can only answer that the creed of fashion is one of
perpetual change. There is a Council of Trent, we
may say, every five years, perhaps even every two
years, in our new and changeful country, and we
learn that, follow as we may either the grand old
etiquette of England or the more gay and shifting
social code of France, we still must make an original
etiquette of our own. Our political system alone,
where the lowest may rise to the highest preferment,
upsets in a measure all tliat the Old World insists
upon in matters of precedence and formality. Cer-
tain immutable principles remain common to all
elegant people who assume to gather society about
them, and who wish to enter its portals ; the absent-
minded scholar from his library should not ignore
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PBEFACB. 5
them, the fresh young farmer from the country-
side feels and recognizes their importance. If we
are to live together in unity we must make society
a pleasant thing, we must obey certain formal rules,
and these rules must conform to the fashion of the
period.
And it is in no way derogatory to a new country
like our own if on some minor points of etiquette
wo presume to differ from the older world. We
must fit our garments to the climate, our manners
to our fortunes and to our daily lives. There are,
however, faults and inelegancies of which foreigners
accuse us which we may do well to consider. One
of these is the greater freedom allowed in the
manners of our young women — a freedom which,
as our New World fills up with people of foreign
birth, cannot but lead to social disturbances. Other
national faults, which English writers and critics
kindly point out, are our bumptiousness, our spread-
eagleism, and our too great familiarity and lack of
dignity, etc.
Instead of growing angry over these criticisms,
perhaps we might as well look into the matter dis-
passionately, and see if we cannot turn the advice in
some degree to our advantage. We can, however,
decide for ourselves on certain points of etiquette
which we borrow from nobody ; they are a part of
our great nation, of our republican institutions, and
of that continental hospitality which gives a home
to the Rnss, the German, the Frenchman, the Irish-
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6 PB£FAC£^.
man, and the "heathen Chinee." A somewhat wide
and elastic code, as l>oundless as the prairies, can
alone meet the needs of these different citizens.
The old traditions of stately manners, so common
to the Washington and Jefferson days, have almost
died out here, as similar manners have died out al]
over the world. The war of 1861 swept away what
little was left of that once important American fact
— a grandfather. We began all over again ; and
now there comes up from this newer world a flood
of questions : How shall we manage all this? How
shall we use a fork ? When wear a dress-coat ? How
and when and on whom shall we leave our cards?
How long and for whom shall we wear mourning ?
What is the etiquette of a wedding? How shall
we give a dinner-party ? The young house-keeper
of Kansas writes as to the manners she shall teach to
her children ; the miner's wife, having become rich,
asks how she shall arrange her house, call on her
neighbors, write her letters ? Many an anxious girl
writes as to the propriety of " driving out with a
gentleman," etc. In fact, there is one great univer-
sal question. What is the etiquette of good society ?
Not a few people have tried to answer these
questions, and have broken down in the attempt.
Many have made valuable manuals, as far as they
went ; but writers on etiquette commonly fail, for
one or two different reasons. Many attempt to
write who know nothing of good society by ex-
perience, and their books are full of ludicrous errors.
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PREFACE. 7
Others have had the disadvantage of knowing too
much, of ignoring tlie beginning of things, of sup-
posing that the peraon who reads will take much
for granted. For a person who has an intuitive
knowledge of etiquette, who has been brought up
from his mother's knee in the best society, has al-
waj^s known what to do, how to dress, to whom to
bow, to write in the simplest way about etiquette
would be impossible; he would never know how
little the reader, to whose edification he was ad-
dressing himself, knew of the matter.
If, however, an anxious inquirer should write and
ask if " mashed potato must be eaten with a knife
or a fork," or if "napkins and finger-bowls can be .
used at breakfast," those questions he can answer.
'^ It is with an effort to answer thousands of these
questions, written in good faith to Harper^ 8 Bazar^
\ that this book is undertaken. The simplicity, the
directness, and the evident desire "to improve,"
which characterize these anonymous letters, are all
much to be commended. Many people have found
themselves suddenly conquerors of material wealth,
the most successful colonists in the world, the heirs
of a great inheritance, the builders of a new empire.
There is a true refinement manifested in their ques-
tions. Not only do men and women like to behave
properly themselves, but all desire to knpw what is
the best school of manners, that they may educate
their children therein. Such minds are the best
conservators of law and order. It is not a commn-
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» PRKPACE.
nistic spirit that asks, " How can I do this thing in a
better way ?" it is that wise and liberal conservatism
which inelndes reverence for law, respect for age,
belief in religion, and a desire for a refined society.
A book on etiquette, however patiently considered
and honestly written, must have many shortcomings,
and contain disputed testimony. All we can do is
endeavor to mention those fashions and customs
which we believe to be the best, remembering always,
as we have said, that the great law of change goes on
forever — that our stately grandfathers had fashions
which we should now consider gross and unbecom-
ing, while we have customs, particularly of speech,
which would have shocked them. This law of
change is not only one which time modifies, but
with us the South, the North, the East, and the West
differ as to certain points of etiquette. All, how-
ever, agree in saying that there is a good society in
America whose mandates are supreme. All feel
that the well-bred man or woman is a " recognized
institution." Everybody laughed at the mistakes of
Daisy Miller, and saw wherein she and her mother
were wrong. Independent American girls may still
choose to travel without a chaperon, but they must
be prepared to fight a well-founded prejudice if they
do. There is a recognition of the necessity of good
manners, and a profound conviction, let us hope,
that a graceful manner is the outcropping of a well-
regulated mind and of a good heart.
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CONTENTS,
CHAPTER I. PAo«
Women as T.p.AT>Te-R« 13
CHAPTER II.
Good and Bad Society 28
CHAPTER III.
On Introducing People 86
CHAPTER IV.
VrsmNQ 50
CHAPTER V.
Intttations, Acceptances, and Regbets 58
CHAPTER VI.
The Etiquette of Weddings 66
CHAPTER VII.
Before the Wedding and After 78
CHAPTER VIII.
Gold, Silter, and Tin Weddings 86
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10 CONTENTS.
CHAPTER IX. FAo»
The Etiquette op Balls 95
CHAPTER X.
LeTTEKS and LETTER-WRrriNG 103
CHAPTER XI.
Incongruities of Dress '..... Ill
CHAPTER Xll.
Dressing for Driving 118
CHAPTER Xlll.
Etiquette op Mourning 125
CHAPTER XIV.
Letters of Condolence 137
CHAPTER XV.
Chaperons and their Duties 144
CHAPTER XVI.
Etiquette for Elderly Girls 158
CHAPTER XVII.
New-year's Calls 160
CHAPTER XVm.
Matinees and Somfffis 169
CHAPTER XIX.
The Modern Dinner-table 177
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CONTENTS. 11
CHAPTER XX. PAOK
Laying the Dinneb-tablb 185
CHAPTER XXI.
Favobs and BonbonnxIibeb 193
CHAPTER XXII.
Floral Tbibtttes and Decorations 201
CHAPTER XXIII.
Gabden-pabties 208
CHAPTER XXIV.
Suppeb-pabties 215
CHAPTER XXV.
Summeb Dinnebs 222
CHAPTER XXVI.
Luncheons, Infobmal and Social 230
CHAPTER XXVII.
The Fobk and the Spoon 237
CHAPTER XXVni.
Napkins and Table-cloths 242
CHAPTER XXIX.
Sebyantb, thbib Dbess and Duties 249
CHAPTER xyy
The House with One Sebyant 258
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12 CONTENTS.
CHAPTER XXXI. vaq%
The House with Two Sbbvants 264
CHAPTER XXXII.
The House with Many Servants 272
CHAPTER XXXIII.
Manners. — A Study for the Awkward and the Shy 279
CHAPTER XXXIV.
How TO Treat a Guest 286
CHAPTER XXXV.
Certain Questions Answered 298
CHAPTER XXXVI.
The Manners op the Past 300
CHAPTER XXXVII.
The Manners of the Optimist 310
CHAPTER XXXVIII.
The Manners op the Sympathetic 317
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MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
CHAPTER L
WOMEN AS LEADEES.
Nothing strikes the foreigner so much (since the
days of De Tocqueville, the first to mention it) as the
prominent position of woman in the best society of
America. She has almost no position in the political
world. She is not a leader, an intrigante in politics,
as she is in France. We have no Madame de Stael,
no Princess Belgioso, here to make and unmake our
Presidents ; but women do all the social work, which
in Europe is done not only by women, but by young
bachelors and old ones, statesmen, princes, ambassa-
dors, and attaches. Officials are connected with every
Court whose business it is to visit, write and answer
invitations, leave cards, call, and perform all the
multifarious duties of the social world.
In America, the lady of the house does all this.
Her men are all in business or in pleasure, her sons
are at work or off yachting. They cannot spend time
to make their dinner calls — "Mamma, please leave
ray cards " is the legend written on their banners.
Thus to women, as the conductors of social poli-
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14 MANNEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
tics, is committed the card — ^that pasteboard protocol,
whose laws are well defined in every land but our
own.
Now, in ten different books on etiquette which we
have consulted we find ten different opinions upon the
subject of first calls, as between two women. We can-
not, therefore, presume to decide where so many doc-
tors disagree, but give the commonly received opin-
ions as expressed by the customs of New York society.
When should a lady call first upon a new and a
desirable acquaintance? Not hastily. She should
have met the new and desirable acquaintance, should
have been properly introduced, should feel sure that
her acquaintance is desired. The oldest resident, the
one most prominent in fashion, should call first ; but,
if there is no such distinction, two women need not
forever stand at bay each waiting for the other to
calL A very admirable and polite expedient has
been substituted for a first call — in tho sending out
of cards, for several days in the month, by a lady
who, wishes to begin her social life, we will say, in
a new city. These may or may not be accompanied
by the card of some well-known friend. If these
cards bring the desired visits or the cards of the
desired guests, the beginner may feel that she has
started on her society career with no loss of self-
respect. Those who do not respond are generally
in a minority. Too much haste in making new ac-
quaintances, however — "pushing," as it is called —
cannot be too much deprecated.
First calls should be returned within a week. If a
lady is invited to any entertainment by a new ac-
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FIRST CALLS. 15
quaintance, whether the invitation come through a
friend or not, she should immediately leave cards, and
send either a regret or an acceptance. To lose time in
this matter is a great rudeness. Whether she attend
the entertainment or not, she should call after it within a
week. Then, having done all that is polite, and having
shown herself a woman of good-breeding, she can keep
up the acquaintance or not as she pleases. Sometimes
there are reasons why a lady does not wish to keep up
the acquaintance, but she must not, for her own sake,
be oblivious to the politeness extended. Some very
rude people in New York have sent back invitations,
or failed to recognize the first attemipt at civility,
saying, "We don't know the people." This is not
the way to discourage unpleasant familiarity. In New
York, Boston, and Philadelphia, and in the large cities
of the West, and generally in the country towns, res-
idents call first upon new-comers ; but in Washington
this custom is reversed, and the new-comer calls first
upon the resident. Every one — officials of the high-
est down to the lowest grade — returns these cards.
The visitor generally finds himself invited to the re-
ceptions of the President and his Cabinet, etc. This
arrangement is so convenient that it is a thousand
pities it does not go into operation all over the coun-
try, particularly in those large cities where the resi-
dent cannot know if her dearest friend be in town
unless informed in some such way of the fact.
This does not, as might be supposed, expose society
to the intrusion of unwelcome visitors. Tact, which
is the only guide through the mazes of society, will
enable a woman to avoid anything like an unwelcome
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16 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
intimacy or a doubtful acquaintance, even if such a
person should "call first."
Now the question comes up, and here doctors dis-
agree : When may a lady call by proxy, or when may
she send her cardy^r when must she call in person ?
After a dinner-party a guest must call in person and
inquire if the hostess is at home. For other enter-
tainments it is allowed, in New York, that the lady
call by proxy, or that she simply send her card. In
sending to inquire for a person's health, cards may be
sent by a servant, with a kindly message.
No first visit should, however, be returned by card
only; this would be considered a slight, unless fol-
lowed by an invitation. The size of New York, the
great distances, the busy life of a woman of char-
ities, large family, and immense circle of acquaint-
ances may render a personal visit almost impossible.
She may be considered to have done her duty if she
in her turn asks her new acquaintance to call on her
on a specified day, if she is not herself able to call.
Bachelors should leave cards (if they ever leave
any) on the master and mistress of the house, and, in
America, upon the young ladies. A gentleman does
not turn down the comers of his card — indeed, that
fashion has become almost obsolete, except, perhaps,
where a lady wishes it distinctly understood that she
has called in person. The plainer the card the better.
A small, thin card for a gentleman, not glazed, with
his name in small script and his address well engraved
in the corner, is in good taste. A lady's card should
be larger, but not glazed or ornamented in any way.
It is a rule with sticklers for good-breeding that after
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FOREIGN STIQUETTE. 17
any entertainment a gentleman should leave his card
in person, although, as we have said, he often commits
it to some feminine agency.
No gentleman should call on a lady unless she asks
him to do so, or unless he brings a letter of introduc-
tion, or unless he is taken by a lady who is sufficiently
intimate to invite him to call. A lady should say to
a gentleman, if she wishes him to call, "I hope that
we shall see you," or, " I am at home on Monday," or
something of that sort. If he receives an invitation
to dinner or to a ball from a stranger, he is bound to
send an immediate answer, call the very next day, leave
his card, and then to call after the entertainment.
This, at least, is foreign etiquette, and we cannot do
better than import it. This rule holds good for the
entertainments of bachelors, who should leave their
cards on each other after an entertainment, unless the
intimacy is so great that no card-leaving is expected.
When a lady returns to town, after an absence in
Europe or in the country, it is strict etiquette that she
should leave cards on all her acquaintances and friends
if she expects to entertain or to lead a gay, social win-
ter ; but as distances in our great cities are formidable,
as all ladies do not keep a carriage, as most ladies
have a great deal else to do besides making visits, this
long and troublesome process is sometimes simplified
by giving a tea or a series of teas, which enables the
lady, by staying at home on one evening of a week,
or two or three afternoons of a month, to send out
her cards to that effect, and to thus show her friends
that she at least remembers them. As society and
card-leaving thus become rapidly complicated, a lady
2
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18 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
should have a visiting- book, into which her list is
carefully copied, with spaces for days and future
engagements.
A servant must be taught to receive the cards at
the door, remember messages, and recollect for whom
they are left, as it is not proper in calling upon Mrs.
Brown at a private house to write her name on your
card. At a crowded hotel this may be allowed, but
it is not etiquette in visiting at private houses. In
returning visits, observe the exact etiquette of the
person who has left the first card. A call must not
be returned with a card only, or a card by a call. If
a person send you a card by post, return a card by
post ; if a personal visit is made, return it by a per-
sonal visit; if your acquaintance leave cards only,
without inquiring if you are at home, return the
same courtesy. If she has left the cards of the
gentlemen of her family, return those of the gen-
tlemen of your family.
A young lady's card should almost always be ac-
companied by that of her mother or her chaperon.
It is well, on her entrance into society, that the name
of the young lady be engraved on her mother's card.
After she has been out a year, she may leave her own
card only. Here American etiquette begins to differ
from English etiquette. In London, on the other
hand, no young lady leaves her card : if she is moth-
erless, her name is engraved beneath the name of her
father, and the card of her chaperon is left with both
until she becomes a maiden lady of somewhat mature
if uncertain age.
It is rare now to sec the names of both husband
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VISrriNG-CABDS. Id
and wife engraved* on one card, as "Mr. and Mrs.
Brown." The lady has her own card, "Mrs. Octa-
vius Brown," or with the addition, "The Misses
Brown." Her husband has his separate card; each
of the sons has his own card. No titles are used on
visiting-cards in America, save military, naval, or
judicial ones; and, indeed, many of our most dis-
tinguished judges have had cards printed simply
with the name, without prefix or affix. "Mr. Web-
ster," "Mr. Winthrop," "Henry Clay" are well-
known instances of simplicity. But a woman must
always use the prefix " Mrs." or " Miss." A gentle-
man may or may not use the prefix "Mr.," as he
pleases, but women must treat themselves with more
respect. "No card is less proper than one which is
boldly engraved " Gertrude F. Brown ;" it should be
"Miss Gertrude F. Brown."
A married lady always bears her husband's name,
during his life, on her card. Some discussion is now
going on as to whether she should continue to call
herself "Mrs. Octavius Brown" or "Mrs. Mary
Brown" after his death. The burden of opinion is
in favor of the latter — particularly as a son may
bear his father's name, so there will be two Mrs.
Octavius Browns. No lady wishes to be known as
" old Mrs. Octavius Brown," and as we do not use the
convenient title of Dowager, we may as well take
the alternative of the Christian name. We cannot
say "Mrs. Octavius Brown, Jr., if the husband has
ceased to be a junior. Many married ladies hesitate
to discard the name by which they have always
been known. Perhaps the simple "Mrs. Brown" is
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20 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
the best, after all. No lady should leave cards upon
an unmarried gentleman, except in the case of his
having given entertainments at which ladies were
present. Then the lady of the house should drive to
his door with the cards of herself and family, allow-
ing the footman to leave them.
The young ladies' names, in such a case as this,
should be engraven on their mother's card.
" We have no leisure class," as Henry James says
in his brilliant " International Episode ;" but still
young men should try to make time to call on those
who entertain them, showing by some sort of person-
al attention their gratitude for the politeness shown
them. American young men are, as a rule, very re-
miss about this matter of calling on the hostess whose
hospitality they accept.
A gentleman should not call on a young lady with-
out asking for her mother or her chaperon. Nor
should he leave cards for her alone, but always leave
one for her mother.
Ladies can, and often do, write infoiinal invitations
on the visiting-card. To teas, readings, and small
parties, may be added the day of reception. It is
convenient and proper to send these cards by post.
Everything can be sent by post now, except an in-
vitation to dinner, and that must always be sent by
private hand, and an answer must be immediately
returned in the same formal manner.
After balls, amateur concerts, theatrical parties,
garden-parties, or " at homes," cards should be left*
by all invited guests within a week after the invi-
tation, particularly if the invited guest has been
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"when invited to a tea." 21
obliged to decline. These cards may be left without
inquiring for the hostess, if time presses; but it is
more polite to inquire for the hostess, even if it is
not her day. K it is her reception day, it would be
rude not to inquire, enter, and pay a personal visit.
After a dinner, one must inquire for the hostess and
pay a personal visit. It is necessary to mention this
fact, because so many ladies have got into the habit
(having large acquaintances) of leaving or sending
cards in by a footman, without inquiring for the host-
ess (who is generally not at home), that there has
grown up a confusion, which leads to offence being
taken where none is meant.
It is not considered necessary to leave cards after
a tea. A lady leaves her cards as she enters the
hall, pays her visit, and the etiquette of a visiting
acquaintance is thus established for a year. She
should, however, give a tea herself, asking all her
entertainers.
If a lady has been invited to a tea or other enter-
tainment through a friend without having known
her hostess, she is bound to call soon ; but if the in-
vitation is not followed up by a return card or an-
other invitation, she must understand that the ac-
quaintance is at an end. She may, however, invite
her new friend, within a reasonable time, to some
entertainment at her own house, and if that is ac-
cepted, the acquaintance goes on. It is soon ascer-
tained by a young woman who begins life in a new
city whether her new friends intend to be friendly
or the reverse. A resident of a town or village can
call, T^dth propriety, on any new - comer. The new-
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22 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
comer mast return this call ; but, if she does not
desire a further acquaintance, this can be the end of
it. The time of calling must in every town be set-
tled by the habits of the place; after two o'clock and
before six is, however, generally safe.
In England they have a pleasant fashion of calling
to inquire for invalids or aflOLicted friends, and of
pencilling the words " kind inquiries." It has not ob-
tained that popularity in America which it deserves,
and it would be well to introduce it. If a lady call on
a person who is a stranger to her, and if she has diffi-
culty in impressing her name on the servant, she sends
up her card, while she waits to see if the lady will re-
ceive her. But she must never on any occasion hand
her own card to her hostess. If she enters the parlor
and finds her hostess there, she must introduce her-
self by pronouncing her own name distinctly. If she
is acquainted with the lady, she simply gives her name
to the servant, and does not send up her card.
Wedding-cards have great prominence in America,
but we ignore those elaborate funeral - cards and
christening -cards, and printed cards with announce-
ments of engagements, and many other cards fash-
ionable abroad. With us the cards of the bride
and her parents, and sometimes of the fianci^ are
sent to all friends before the wedding, and those of
the invitation to the wedding to a few only, it may
be, or to all, as the family desire. After the marriage,
the cards of the married pair, with their address, are
sent to all whose acquaintance is desired.
Husbands and wives rarely call together in America,
although there is no law against their doing so. It
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"not at home." 23
is unusual because, as we have said, we have no
" leisure class." Gentlemen are privileged to call on
Sunday, after church, and on Sunday evenings. A
mother and daughter should call together, or, if the
mother is an invalid, the daughter can call, leaving
her mother's card.
" Not at home " is a proper formula, if ladies are
not receiving; nor does it involve a falsehood. It
merely means that the lady is not at home to com-
pany. The servant should also add, "Mrs. Brown
receives on Tuesdays," if the lady has a day. Were
not ladies able to deny themselves to callers there
would be no time in crowded cities for any sort of
work, or repose, or leisure for self -improvement. For,
with the many idle people who seek to rid themselves
of the pain and penalty of their own vapid society
by calling and making somebody else entertain them,
with the wandering book-agents and beggars, or with
even the overflow of society, a lady would find her
existence muddled away by the poorest and most ab-
ject of occupations — ^that of receiving a number of in-
considerate, and perhaps impertinent, wasters of time.
It is well for all house-keepers to devote one day in
the week to the reception of visitors — the morning
to tradespeople and those who may wish to see her
on business, and the afternoon to those who call so-
cially. It saves her time and simplifies matters.
Nothing is more vulgar than that a caller should
ask the servant where his mistress is, when she went
out, when she will be in, how soon she will be down,
etc. All that a well-bred servant should say to such
questions is, " I do not know, madam."
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24 MANNEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
•
A mistress should inform her servant after break-
fast what Jie is to say to all comers. It is very offen-
sive to a visitor to be let in, and then be told that she
cannot see the lady of the house. She feels person-
ally insulted, and as if, had she been some other per-
son, the lady of the house would perhaps have seen her.
If a servant, evidently ignorant and uncertain of
his mistress and her wishes, says, " I will see if Mrs.
Brown will see you," and ushers you into the par-
lor, it is only proper to go in and wait. But it is
always well to say, "If Mrs. Brown is going out,
is dressing, or is otherwise engaged, ask her not to
trouble herself to come down." Mrs. Brown will
be very much obliged to you. In calling on a friend
who is staying with people with whom you are not
acquainted, always leave a card for the lady of the
house. The lack of this attention is severely felt
by new people who may entertain a fashionable
woman as their guest — one who receives many calls
from those who do not know her hostess. It is nev-
er proper to call on a guest without asking for the
hostess.
Again, if the hostess be a very fashionable woman,
and the visitor decidedly not so, it is equally vulgar
to make one's friend who may be a guest in the house
a sort of entering wedge for an acquaintance ; a card
should be left, but unaccompanied by any request to
see the lady of the house. This every lady will at
once understand. A lady who has a guest staying
with her who receives many calls should always try
to place a parlor at her disposal where she can see
her friends alone, unless she be a very young per-
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son, to whom the chaperonage of the hostess is in-
dispensable.
If the lady of the house is in the drawing-room
when the visitor arrives to call on her guest, she is,
of course, introduced and says a few words ; and if
she is not in the room, the guest should inquire of the
visitor if the lady of the house will see him or her,
thus giving her a chance to accept or decline.
In calling on the sons or the daughters of the house,
every visitor should leave a card for the father and
mother. If ladies are at home, cards should be left
for the gentlemen of the family.
In Europe a young man is not allowed to ask for
the young ladies of the house in formal parlance,
nor is he allowed to leave a card on them — socially
in Europe the "/ewne,/Kfo" has no existence. He calls
on the mother or chaperon ; the young lady may be
sent for, but he must not inquire for her first. Even
if she is a young lady at the head of a house, he is
not allowed to call upon her without some prelimina*
ries; some amiable female friend must manage to
bring them together.
In America the other extreme has led to a very vi-
cious system of etiquette, by which young ladies are
recognized as altogether leaders of society, receiving
the guests and pushing their mothers into the back-
ground. It would amaze a large number of ambi-
tious young ladies to be told that it was not proper
that young men should call on them and be received
by them alone. But the solution would seem to be
that the mother or chaperon should advance to her
proper place in this country, and while taking care of
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26 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
her daughter, appearing with her in public, and re-
ceiving visits with her, still permit that good-natured
and well-intended social intercourse between young
men and women which is so seldom abused, and
which has led to so many happy marriages. It is one
of the points yet debatable how much liberty should
be allowed young ladies. Certainly, however, we do
not wish to hold our young girls up to the scorn and
ridicule of the novelist or the foreign critic by ig-
noring what has been a recognized tenet of good
manners since society was formed. The fact that the
chaperon is a necessary institution, and that to mar-
ried ladies and to elderly ladies should be paid all due
respect, is a subject of which we shall treat later. No
young lady who is visiting in a strange city or coun-
try town should ever receive the visits of gentlemen
without asking her hostess and her daughters to come
down and be introduced to them ; nor should she ever
invite such persons to call without asking her hostess
if it would be agreeable. To receive an ordinary ac-
quaintance at any hour, even that of the afternoon
reception, without her hostess would be very bad
manners. We fear the practice is too common, how-
ever. How much worse to receive a lover, or a gen-
tleman who may aspire to the honor of becoming one,
at unusual hours, without saying anything to the lady
of the house ! Too many young American girls are
in the habit of doing so : making of their friend's
house a convenience by which an acquaintance with a
young man may be carried on — a young man too, per-
haps, who has been forbidden her own home.
A bride receives her callers after she has settled
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PLAIN CARDS THE BEST. 27
down in her married home just as any lady does.
There is no particular etiquette observed. She sends
out cards for two or three reception days, and her
friends and new acquaintances call or send cards on
these days. She must not, however, call on her friends
until they have called upon her.
As many of these callers — friends, perhaps, of the
bridegroom — are unknown to the bride, it is well to
have a servant announce the names; and they should
also leave their cards in the hall that she may be able
to know where to return the visits.
What has so far been said will serve to give a gen-
eral idea of the card and its uses, and of the duties
which it imposes upon different members of society.
Farther on in this volume we will take up, in much
more particular fashion, the matters only alluded to
in this opening chapter.
We may say that cards have changed less in the
history of etiquette and fashion than anything else.
They, the shifting pasteboards, are in style about
what they were fifty — ^nay, a hundred — ^years ago.
The plain, unglazed card with fine engraved script
cannot be improved upon. The passing fashion for
engraved autographs, for old English, for German
text, all these fashions have had but a brief hour.
'^Nothing is in worse taste than for an American to
put a coat-of-arms on his card. It only serves to
^ make him ridiculous.
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28 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
CHAPTER II.
GOOD AND BAD SOCIETY.
Many of our correspondents ask us to define what
is meant by the terms " good society " and " bad so-
ciety." They say that they read in the newspapers
of the " good society " in New York and Washington
and Newport, and that it is a record of drunkenness,
flirtation, bad manners .and gossip, backbiting, di-
vorce, and slander. They read that the fashionable
people at popular resorts commit all sorts of vulgari-
ties, such as talking aloud at the opera, and disturb-
ing their neighbors; that young men go to a dinner,
get drunk, and break glasses; and one ingenuous
young girl remarks, "We do not call that good so-
ciety in Atlanta."
Such a letter might have been written to that
careful chronicler of " good society " in the days of
Charles II., old Pepys of courtly fame. The young
maiden of Hertfordshire, far from the Court, might
well have thought of Rochester and such "gay
sparks," and the ladies who threw glasses of wine at
them, as not altogether well-bred, nor entitled to ad-
mission into "good society." We cannot blame her.
It is the old story. Where, too, as in our land,
pleasure and luxury rule a certain set who enjoy no
tradition of good manners, the contradiction in terms
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ARROGANCE OF FASHION. 29
is the more apparent. Even the external forms of re-
spect to good manners are wanting. No such overt
vulgarity, for instance, as talking aloud at the opera
will ever be endured in London, because a powerful
class of really well-born and well-bred people will hiss
it down, and insist on the quiet which music, of all
other things, demands. That is what we mean by a
tradition of good manners.
In humbler society, we may say as in the household
of a Scotch peasant, such/as was the father of Carlyle,
the breaches of manners which are often seen in fash-
ionable society would never occur. They would ap-
pear perfectly impossible to a person who had a really
good heart and a gentle nature. The manners of a
young man of fashion who keeps his hat on when
speaking to a lady, who would smoke in her face, and
would appear indifferent to her comfort at a supper-
table, who would be contradictory and neglectful —
such manners would have been impossible to Thomas
or John Carlyle, reared as they were in the humblest
poverty. It was the " London swell " who dared to
be rude in their day as now.
But this impertinence and arrogance of fashion
should not prevent the son of a Scotch peasant from
acquiring, or attempting to acquire, the conventional
habits and manners of a gentleman. If he have al-
ready the grace of high culture, he should seek to
add to it the knowledge of social laws, which v,'ill
render him an agreeable person to be met in society.
He must learn how to write a graceful note, and to
answer his invitations promptly; he must learn the
etiquette of dress and of. leaving cards; he must learn
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bow to eat his dinner gracefully, and, even if he sees
in good society men of external polish guilty of a
rudeness which would have shocked the man who in
the Scotch Highlands fed and milked the cows, he
still must not forget that society demands something
which was not found in the farm-yard. Carlyle, him-
self the greatest radical and dempcrat in the world,
found that life at Craigenputtock would not do all
for him, that he must go to London and Edinburgh
to rub off his solitary neglect of manners, and strive
to be like other people. On the other hand, the
Queen of England has just refused to receive the
Duke of Marlborough because he notoriously ill-
treated the best of wives, and had been, in all his re-
lations of life, what they call in England a "cad."
She has even asked him to give back the Star and
Garter, the insignia once worn by the great duke,
which has never fallen on shoulders so unworthy as
those of the late Marquis of Blandford, now Duke
of Marlborough. For all this the world has great
reason to thank the Queen, for the present duke has
been always in " good society," and such is the rev-
erence felt for rank and for hereditary name in Eng-
land that he might have continued in the most fash-
ionable circles for all his bad behaviour, still being
courted for name and title, had not the highest lady
in the land rebuked him.
She has refused to receive the friends of the Prince
of Wales, particularly some of his American favorites,
this good Queen, because she esteems good manners
and a virtuous life as a part of good society.
Now, those who arc not " in society " are apt to mis-
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UTOPIA OF SOCIETY. 31
take all that is excessive, all that is boorish, all that is
snobbish, all that is aggressive, as being a part of that
society. In this they are wrong. No one estimates
the grandeur of the ocean by the rubbish thrown up
on the shore. Fashionable society, good society, the
best society, is composed of the very best people, the
most polished and accomplished, religious, moral, and
charitable.
The higher the civilization, therefore, the better
the society, it being always borne in mind that there
will be found, here and there, the objectionable out-
growths of a false luxury and of an insincere culture.
No doubt, among the circles of the highest nobility,
while the king and queen may be people of simple
and unpretending manners, there may be some arro-
gant and self-sufficient master of ceremonies, some
Malvolio whose pomposity is in strange contrast to
the good - breeding of Olivia. It is the lesser star
which twinkles most. The " School for Scandal " is
a lasting picture of the folly and frivolity of a cer-
tain phase of London society in the past, and it re-
peats itself in every decade. There is always a
Mrs. Candour, a Sir Benjamin Backbite, and a scan-
dalous college at Newport, in New York, Milwau-
kee, Philadelphia, Boston, Baltimore, Chicago, Sar-
atoga, Long Branch, wherever society congregates.
It is the necessary imperfection, the seamy side.
Such is the reverse of the pattern. Unfortunate-
ly, the right side is not so easily described. The
colors of a beautiful bit of brocade are, when seen
as a whole, so judiciously blended that they can
hardly be pronounced upon individually: one only
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32 HANKERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
admires the taut ensembley and tbat uncritically, per-
haps.
That society is bad whose members, however tena-
cious they be of forms of etiquette and elaborate cer-
emonials, have one code of manners for those whom
ihey deem their equals, and another for those whom
they esteem to be of less importance to them by rea-
son of age, pecuniary condition, or relative social in-
fluence. Bad manners are apt to prove the concom-
itant of a mind and disposition that are none too
good, and the fashionable woman who slights and
wounds people because they cannot minister to her
ambition, challenges a merciless criticism of her own
moral shortcomings. A young girl who is imperti-
nent or careless in her demeanor to her mother or
her mother's friends ; who goes about without a chap-
eron and talks slang ; who is careless in her bearing
towards young men, permitting them to treat her as
if she were one of themselves ; who accepts the at-
tention of a young man of bad character or dissipated
habits because he happens to be rich ; who is loud in
dress and rough in manner — such a young girl is
"bad society," be she the daughter of an earl or a
butcher. There are many such instances of audacity
in the so-called " good society " of America, but such
people do not spoil it ; they simply isolate them-
selves.
A young man is "bad society" who is inditferent
to those older than himself, who neglects to acknowl-
edge invitations, who sits while a lady stands, who
goes to a ball and does not speak to his host, who
is selfish, who is notoriously immoral and careless of
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"a parvence." 33
his good name, and who throws discredit on his father
and mother by showing his ill-breeding. No matter
how rich, how externally agreeable to those whom he
may wish to court, no matter how much varnish of
outward manner such a man may possess, he is "bad
society."
A parvenue who assumes to keep other people out
of the society which she has just conquered, whose
thoughts are wholly upon social success (which means,
with her, knowing somebody who has heretofore
refused to know her), who is climbing, and throw-
ing backward looks of disdain upon those who also
climb — such a woman, unfortunately too common in
America, is, when she happens to have achieved a
fashionable position, one of the worst instances of
bad society. She may be very prominent, powerful,
and influential. She may have money and "enter-
tain," and people desirous of being amused may court
her, and her bad manners will be accepted by the
careless observer as one of the concomitants of fash-
ion. The reverse is true. She is an interloper in the
circles of good society, and the old fable of the ass
in the lion's skin fits her precisely. Many a duchess
in England is such an interloper; her supercilious
airs betray the falsity of her politeness, but she is
obliged by the rules of the Court at which she has
been educated to " behave like a lady ;" she has to
counterfeit good-breeding ; she cannot, she dare not,
behave as a woman who has suddenly become rich
may sometimes, nay does, behave in American society,
and still be received.
It will thus be seen, as has been happily expressed,
3
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84 MANNBUS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
that '^ fashion has many classes, and many rules of
probation and admission." A young person ignorant
of its laws should not be deluded, however, by false
appearances. If a young girl comes from the most
secluded circles to Saratoga, and sees some handsome,
well-dressed, conspicuous woman much courted, lion-
ized, as it were, and observes in her what seems to
be insolent pretence, unkindness, frivolity, and super-
ciliousness, let her inquire and wait before she accepts
this bit of brass for pure gold. Emerson defines
" sterling fashion as funded talent." Its objects may
be frivolous or objectless ; but, in the long - run, its
purposes are neither frivolous nor accidental. It is
an effort for good society; it is the bringing together
of admirable men and women in a pleasant way.
Good - breeding, personal superiority, beauty, genius,
culture, are all very good things. Every one delights
in a person of charming manners. Some people will
forgive very great derelictions in a person who has
charming manners, but the truly good society is the
society of those who have virtue and good manners
both.
Some Englishman asked an American, " What sort
of a country is America ?" " It is a country where
everybody can tread on everybody's toes," was the
answer.
It is very bad society where any one wishes to
tread on his neighbor's toes, and worse yet where
there is a disposition to feel aggrieved, or to show
that one feels aggrieved. There are certain people
new in society who are always having their toes trod-
den upon. They say : " Mrs. Brown snubbed me ;
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IMITATIONS OF GOOD SOCIBTV. 85
Mrs. Smith does not wish to know me; Mrs. Thomp-
son ought to have invited me. I am as good as any
of them." This is very bad society. No woman
with self-respect will ever say such things. If one
meets with rudeness, take no revenge, cast no asper-
sions. Wit and tact, accomplishments and social tal-
ents, may have elevated some woman to a higher pop-
ularity than another, but no woman will gain that
height by complaining. Command of temper, delicacy
of feeling, and elegance of manner — all these are de-
manded of the persons who become leaders of soci-
ety, and would remain so. They alone are " good so-
ciety." Their imitators may masquerade for a time,
and tread on toes, and fling scorn and insult about
them while in a false and insecure supremacy; but
such pretenders to the throne are soon unseated.
There is a dreadful Sedan and Strasburg awaiting
them. They distrust their own flatterers ; their " ap-
panage " is not a solid one.
People who are looking on at society from a dis-
tance must remember that women of the world are
not always worldly women. They forget that brill-
iancy in society may be accompanied by the best
heart and the sternest principle. The best people of
the world are those who know the world best. They
recognize the fact that this world should be known
and served and treated with as much respect and sin-
cerity as that other world, whick is to be our reward
for having conquered the one in which we live now.
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36 MANNEBS A27D SOCIAX USAGES.
CHAPTER III.
ON INTRODUCING PEOPLE.
A LAi>Y in her own house can in these United States
do pretty much as she pleases, but there is one thing
in which our cultivated and exclusive city fashiona-
ble society seems agreed, and that is, that she must
not introduce two ladies who reside in the same town.
It is an awkward and an embaiTassing restriction, par-
ticularly as the other rule, which renders it easy enough
—the English rule — that the " roof is an introduction,"
and that visitors can converse without further notice,
is not understood. So awkward, however, are Amer-
icans about this, that even in very good houses one
lady has spoken to another, perhaps to a young girl,
and has received no answer, "because she had not
been introduced;" but this state of ignorance is, fortu-
nately, not very common. It should be met by the
surprised rejoinder of the Hoosier school-mistress :
" Don^t yer know enough to speak when yer spoken
to?" Let every woman remember, whether she is
from the backwoods, or from the most fashionable
city house, that no such casual conversation can hurt
her. It does not involve the further acquaintance
of these two persons. They may cease to know each
other when they go down the front steps; and it would
be kinder if they would both relieve the lady of the
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SNOBBISHNESS. 37
house of their joint entertainment by joining in the
conversation, or even speaking to each other.
. A hostess in this land is sometimes young, embar-
rassed, and not fluent. The presence of two ladies with
whom she is not very well acquainted herself, and
both of whom she must entertain, presents a fearful
dilemma. It is a kindness to her, which should out-
weigh the dangers of making an acquaintance in " an-
other set," if those ladies converse a little TV^ith each
other.
If one lady desires to be introduced to another, the
hostess should ask if she may do so, of course unob-
trusively. Sometimes this places one lady in an un-
lucky position towards another. She does not know
exactly what to do. Mrs. So-and-so may have the
gift of exclusiveness, and may desire that Mrs. That-
and-that shall not have the privilege of bowing to
her. Gurowski says, in his very clever book on Amer-
ica, that snobbishness ia a peculiarity of the fashion-
able set in America, because they do not know where
they stand. It is the peculiarity of vulgar people
everywhere, whether they sit on thrones or keep
liquor-shops ; snobs are bom — not made. If, how-
ever, a lady has this gift or this drawback of exclu-
siveness, it is wrong to invade her privacy by intro-
ducing people to her.
Introducing should not be indiscriminately done
either at home or in society by any lady, however
kind-heaited. Her own position must be maintained,
and that may demand a certain loyalty to her own set.
She must be careful how she lets loose on society an
undesirable or aggressive man, for instance, or a great
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38 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
bore, or a vulgar, irritating woman. These will all
be social obstacles to the young ladies of her family,
whom she must first consider. She must not add to
the embarrassments of a lady who has already too
large a visiting list. Unsolicited introductions are
bad for both parties. Some large-hearted women
of society are too generous by half in this way. A
lady should by adroit questions find out how a new
acquaintance would be received, whether or not it
is the desire of both parties to know each other;
for, if there is the slightest doubt existing on this
point, she will be blamed by both. It is often the
good-natured desire of a sympathetic person that the
people whom she knows well should know each other.
She therefore strives to bring them together at lunch
or dinner, but perhaps finds out afterwards that one
of the ladies has particular objections to knowing
the other, and she is not thanked. The disaffected
lady shows her displeasure by being impolite to the
pushing lady, as she may consider her. Had no in-
troduction taken place, she argues, she might have
still enjoyed a reputation for politeness. Wary wom-
en of the world are therefore very shy of introducing
two women to each other.
This is the awkward side. The more agreeable
and, we may say, humane side has its thousands and
thousands of supporters, who believe that a friendly
introduction hurts no one; but we are now not talk-
ing of kindness, but of etiquette, which is decidedly
opposed to indiscriminate introductions.
Society is such a complicated organization, and its
laws are so lamentably unwritten, yet so deeply en-
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MODE OP INTRODUCTION. 39
graved on certain minds, that these things become im-
portant to those who are always winding and unwind-
ing the chains of fashion.
It is therefore well to state it as a receivtd rule
that no gentleman should ever be introduced to a lady
unless her permission has been asked, and she be given
an opportunity to refuse ; and that no woman should
be introduced formally to another woman unless the
introducer has consulted the wishes of both women.
No delicate-minded person would ever intrude herself
upon the notice of a person to whom she had been
casually introduced in a friend's drawing-room ; but
all the world, unfortunately, is not made up of del-
icate-minded persons.
In making an introduction, the gentleman is pre-
sented to the lady with some such informal speech as
this: "Mrs. A, allow me to present Mr. B;" or,
" Mrs. A, Mr. B desires the honor of knowing you."
In introducing two women, present the younger to the
older woman, the question of rank not holding good
in our society where the position of the husband, be
he judge, general, senator, or president even, does not
give his wife fashionable position. She may be of far
less importance in the great world of society than
some Mrs. Smith, who, having nothing else, is set
down as of the highest rank in that unpublished but
well-known book of heraldry which is so thoroughly
understood in America as a tradition. It is the proper
thing for a gentleman to ask a mutual friend or an
acquaintance to introduce him to a lady, and there
are few occasions when this request is refused. In
our crowded ballrooms, chaperons often ask young
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40 MA.NNEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
men if they will be introduced to their charges. It
is better before asking the young men of this pres-
ent luxurious age, if they will not only be introduced,
but if they propose to dance, with the young lady,
else that young person may be mortified by a snub.
It is painful to record, as we must, that the age of
chivalry is past, and that at a gay ball young men ap-
pear as supremely selfish, and desire generally only
introductions to the reigning belle, or to an heiress,
not deigning to look at the humble wall-flower, who
is neither, but whose womanhood should command
respect. Ballroom introductions are supposed to
mean, on the part of the gentleman, either an inten-
tion to dance with the young lady, to walk with her,
or to talk to her through one dance, or to show her
some attention.
Men scarcely ever ask to be introduced to each
other, but if a lady, through some desire of her own,
wishes to present them, she should never be met by
indifference on their part. Men have a right to be
exclusive as to their acquaintances, of course ; but at
a lady's table, or in her parlor, they should never
openly show distaste for each other's society before
her.
In America it is the fashion to shake hands, and
most women, if desirous of being cordial, extend their
hands even on a first introduction ; but it is, perhaps,
more elegant to make a bow only, at a first introduc-
tion.
In her own house a hostess should always extend
her hand to a person brought to her by a mutual
friend, and introduced for the first time.
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ANGLO-SAXON ETIQUETTE. 41
At a dinner-party, a few minutes before dinner, the
hostess introduces to a lady the gentleman who is to
take her down to the dining-room, but makes no fur-
ther introductions, except in the case of a distin-
guished stranger, to whom all the company are intro-
duced. Here people, as we have said, are shy of
speaking, but they should not be, for the room where
they meet is a sufficient guarantee that they can con-
verse without any loss of dignity.
At large gatherings in the country it is proper for
the lady to introduce her guests to each other, and it
is perfectly proper to do this without asking permission
of either party. A mother always introduces her son
or daughter, a husband his wife, or a wife her hus-
band, without asking permission.
A gentleman, after being introduced to a lady, must
wait for her to bow first before he ventures to claim
her as an acquaintance.
This is Anglo-Saxon etiquette. On the Continent,
however, the gentleman bows first. There the matter
of the raising the hat is also important. An Amei'i-
can gentleman takes, his hat quite off to a lady ; a
foreigner raises it but slightly, and bows with a def-
erential air. Between ladies but slightly acquainted,
and just introduced, a very formal bow is all that is
proper ; acquaintances and friends bow and smile ;
intimate male friends simply nod, but all gentlemen
with ladies raise the hat and bow if the lady recog-
nizes a friend.
Introductions which take place out-of-doors, as on
the lawn-tennis ground, in the hunting field, in the
street, or in any casual way, are not to be taken as
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42 IIANNEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
necessarily formal, unless the lady chooses so to con-
sider them. The same may be said of introductions
at a watering-place, where a group of ladies walking '
together may meet other ladies or gentlemen, and join
forces for a walk or drive. Introductions are needful,
and should be made by the oldest lady of the party,
but are not to be considered as making an acquaint-
ance necessary between the parties if neither should
afterwards wish it. It is universally conceded now
that this sort of casual introduction does not involve
either lady in the net-work of a future acquaintance ;
nor need a lady recognize a gentleman, if she does not
choose to do so, after a watering-place introduction.
It is always, however, more polite to bow ; that civil-
ity hurts no one.
There are in our new country many women who
consider themselves fashionable leaders — members of
an exclusive set — and who fear if they should know
some other women out of that set that they would im-
peril their social standing. These people have no titles
by which they can be known, so they preserve their
exclusiveness by disagreeable manners, as one would
hedge a garden by a border of prickly-pear. The
result is that much ill-feeling is engendered in society,
and people whom these old aristocrats call the "now-
veauxricheSy^ "parvenus," etc., are always having their
feelings hurt. The fact remains that the best-bred
and most truly aristocratic people do not find it nec-
essary to hurt any one's feelings. An introduction
never harms anybody, and a woman with the slight-
est tact can keep off a vulgar and a pushing person
without being rude. It is to be feared that there
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DUTIES OF A HOSTESS. 43
are vulgar natures among those who aspire to be con-
sidered exclusive, and that they are gratified if they
can presumably increase their own importance by
seeming exclusive ; but it is not necessary to dwell
on such people.
The place given here to the ill-bred is only con-
ceded to them that one may realize the great demands
made upon the tact and the good feeling of a hostess.
She must have a quick apprehension ; she may and
will remember, however, that it is very easily for-
given, this kind-heartedness — that it is better to sin
against etiquette thin to do an unkind thing.
Great pains should be taken by a hostess to intro-
duce shy people. Young people are those whose
pleasure must depend on introductions.
It is well for a lady in presenting two strangers to
say something which may break the ice, and make
the conversation easy and agreeable ; as, for instance,
"Mrs. Smith, allow me to present Mr. Brown, who
has just arrived from New Zealand ;" or, " Mrs. Jones,
allow me to present Mrs. Walsingham, of Washington
— or San Francisco," so that the two may naturally
have a question and answer ready with which to step
over the threshold of conversation without tripping.
At a five-o'clock tea or a large reception there are
reasons why a lady cannot introduce any one but the
daughter or sister whom she has in charge. A lady
who comes and knows no one sometimes goes away
feeling that her hostess has been inattentive, because
no one has spoken to her. She remembers Europe,
where the roof -tree has been an introduction, and
where people spoke kindly to her and did not pass
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44 3IANXERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
her by. Dinner - parties in stiff and formal London
have this great attraction : a gentleman steps up and
speaks to a lady, although they have never met be-
fore, and often takes her down to dinner without an
introduction. The women chat after dinner like old
friends ; every one knows that the roof is a sufficient
guarantee. This is as it should be ; but great awk-
wai'dness results in the United States if one lady
speaks to another and receives no answer. "Pray,
can you tell me who the pianist is ?" said a leader of
society to a young girl near her at a private concert.
The young lady looked distressed and blushed, and
did not answer. Having seen a deaf-mute in the
room whom she knew, the speaker concluded that this
young lady belonged to that class of persons, and was
very much surprised when later the hostess brought
up this silent personage and introduced her.
"I could not speak to you before because I had
not been introduced — but the pianist is Mr. Mills,"
remarked this punctilious person. " I, however, could
speak to you, although we had not been formally
presented. The roof was a sufficient guarantee of
your respectability, and I thought from your not an-
swering that you were deaf and dumb," said the lady.
The rebuke was deserved. Common -sense must
interpret etiquette ; " nice customs courtesy to great
kings." Society depends upon its social soothsayers
for all that is good in it. A disagreeable woman can
always find precedents for being formal and chilling ;
a fine -tempered woman can always find reasons
enough for being agreeable. A woman would rather
be a benediction than a curse, one would think.
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/ CAEE IN PEESEXTING FOREIGNERS. 45
We hold it proper, all things considered, that at
dinner-parties and receptions a hostess may introduce
her friends to each other. So long as there is em-
ban-assment, or the mistake made by the young lady
above mentioned who would not answer a civil ques-
tion ; so long as these mistakes and others are made,
and the result be stupidity and gloom, and a party
silent and thumb-twisting, instead of gayly conver-
sing, as it should be; so long as people do not come to-
gether easily — it is manifestly proper that the hostess
should put her finger on the social pendulum, and give
it a swing to start the conversational clock. All well-
bred people recognize the propriety of speaking to
even an enemy at a dinner-party, although they would
suffer no recognition an hour later. The same princi-
ple holds good, of course, if, in the true exercise of
her hospitality, the hostess should introduce some
person whom she would like to commend. These are
the exceptions which form the rule.
Care should be taken in presenting foreigners to
young ladies ; sometimes titles are dubious. Here,
a hostess is to be forgiven if she positively declines.
She may say, politely, "I hardly think I know you
well enough to dare to present you to that young
lady. You must wait until her parents (or guardians,
or chaperon) will present you."
But the numbers of agreeable people who are ready
and waiting to be introduced are many. The woman
of literary distinction and the possessor of an honored
name may be invincibly shy and afraid to speak ;
while her next neighbor, knowing her fame perhaps,
and anxious to inake her acquaintance, misconstrues
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46 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
shyness for pride — ^a masquerade which bashfulncss
sometimes plays ; so two people, with volumes to say
to each other, remain silent as fishes, until the kind-
ly magician comes along, and, by the open sesame of
an introduction, unlocks the treasure which has been
so deftly hidden. A woman of fashion may enter an
assembly of thinkers and find herself dreaded and
shunned, until some kind word creates the entente
cordiale. In the social entertainments of New York,
the majority prefer those where the hostess introduces
her guests — under, of course, these wise and proper
limitations.
As for forms of introduction, the simplest are best.
A lady should introduce her husband as " Mr. Brown,"
" General Brown," "Judge Brown." If he has a title
she is always to give it to him. Our simple forms
of titular respect have been condemned abroad, and
we are accused of being all "colonels" and "gener-
als ;" but a wife should still give her husband his
title. In addressing the President we say "Mr.
President," but his wife should say, " Allow me to in-
troduce the President to you." The modesty of Mrs.
Grant, however, never allowed her to call her many-
titled husband anything but "Mr. Grant," which had,
in her case, a sweetness above all etiquette.
Introductions in the homely German fatherland
are universal, everybody pronouncing to everybody
else the name of the lady to whom he is talking;
and among our German fellow-citizens we often see
a gentleman convoying a lady through a crowded
assemblage, introducing her to everybody. It is a
simple, cordial, and pleasant thing enough, as with
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"cold SnOULDEB.^' 47
them the acquaintance stops there; and a bow and
smile hurt nobody.
No one of heart or mind need feel afraid to talk
and be agreeable, whether introduced or not, at a
friend's house ; even if she meets with the rebuff of
a deaf-and-dumb neighbor, she need not feel heart-
broken: she is right, and her stiff acquaintance is
wrong.
If a gentleman asks to be presented to a lady, she
should signify her assent in a pleasant way, and pay
her hostess, through whom the request comes, the com-
pliment of at least seeming to be gratified at the intro-
duction. Our American ladies are sometimes a little
lacking in cordiality of manner, often receiving a new
acquaintance with that part of their conformation
which is known as the " cold shoulder." A brusque
discourtesy is bad, a very effusive courtesy and a too
low bow are worse, and an overwhelming and patron-
izing manner is atrocious. The proper salutation lies
just between the two extremes: the juste mUieu is the
proper thing always. In seeking introductions for
ourselves, while we need not be shy of making a
first visit or asking for an introduction, we must still
beware of " push." There are instincts in the hum-
blest understanding which will tell us where to draw
the line. If a person is socially more prominent than
ourselves, or more distinguished in any way, we should
not be violently anxious to take the first step; we should
wait until some happy chance brought us together,
for we must be as fiim in our self-respect as our neigh-
bor is secure in her exalted position. Wealth has
heretofore had very little power to give a person an
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43 MANNEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
exclusively fashionable position. Character, breed-
ing, culture, good connections — all must help. An
aristocrat who is such by virtue of an old and hon-
ored name which has never been tarnished is a power
in the newest society as in the oldest; but it is a
siiadowy power, felt rather than described. Educa-
tion is always a power.
To be sure, there is a tyranny in large cities of
what is known as the " fashionable set," formed of
people willing to spend money ; who make a sort of
alliance, offensive and defensive ; who can give balls
and parties and keep certain people out ; who have
the place which many covet; who are too much feared
and dreaded. If those who desire an introduction to
this set strive for it too much, they will be sure to
be snubbed ; for this circle lives by snubbing. If
such an aspirant will wait patiently, either the whole
autocratic set of ladies will disband — for such sets
disentangle easily — or else they in their turn will
come knocking at the door and ask to be received.
L^art de tenir salon is not acquired in an hour. It
takes many years for a new and an uninstructed set
to surmount all the little awkwardnesses, the dubious
points of etiquette, that come up in every new shuffle
of the social cards; but a modest and serene courtesy,
a civility which is not servile, will be a good intro-
duction into any society.
And it is well to have that philosophical spirit
which puts the best possible interpretation upon the
conduct of others. Be not in haste to consider your-
self neglected. Self-respect does not easily receive
an insult.
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OLD- WOULD FASHIONS. 49
A lady who i3 fully aware of her own respectabil-
ity, who has always lived in the best society, is never
afraid to bow or call first, or to introduce the people
whom she may desire should know each other. She
perhaps presumes on her position, but it is very rare
that such a person offends ; for tact is almost always
the concomitant of social success.
There has been a movement lately towards the stately
bows and courtesies of the past in our recent importa-
tion of Old- World fashions. A lady silently courte-
sies when introduced, a gentleman makes a deep bow
without speaking. We have had the custom of hand-
shaking — and a very good custom it is — ^but perhaps
the latest fashion in ceremonious introduction forbids
it. If a gentleman carries his crush hat, and a lady
her fan and a bouquet, hand-shaking may not be per-
fectly convenient. However, if a lady or gentleman
extends a hand, it should be taken cordially. Always
respond to the greeting in the key-note of the giver.
4
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60 MANNEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
CHAPTER IV.
VISITING.
No term admits of a wider interpretation than this;
no subject is capable of a greater number of subdi-
visions. The matter of formal visiting has led to the
writing of innumerable books. The decay of social
visiting is a cause of regret to all the old-fashioned
people who remember how agreeable it was; but our
cities have grown too large for it, and in our vil-
lages the population changes too quickly. The con-
stant effort to make the two systems shake hands, to
add cordiality to formality, and to provide for all the
forced conditions of a rapidly growing and constantly
changing society, these are but a few of the difficulties
attending this subject.
The original plan of an acquaintance in a fonnal
city circle was to call once or twice a year on all
one's friends personally, with the hope and the remote
expectation of finding two or three at home. When
society was smaller in New York, this was possible,
but it soon grew to be impossible, as in all large cities.
This finally led to the establishment of a reception
day which held good all winter. That became im-
possible and tiresome, and was narrowed down to four
Tuesdays, perhaps, in one month; that resolved itself
into one or two five-o'clock teas ; and then again, if
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STRICT EULES OP ETIQUETTE. 51
a lady got lame or lazy or luxurious, even the last
easy method of receiving her friends became too
onerous, and cards were left or sent in an envelope.
Now, according to the strict rules of etiquette, one
card a year left at the door, or one sent in an envelope,
continues the acquaintance. We can never know
what sudden pressure of calamity, what stringent need
of economy, what exigencies of work, may prompt a
lady to give up her visiting for a season. Even when
there is no apparent cause, society must ask no ques-
tions, but must acquiesce in the most good-natured
view of the subject.
Still, there must be uniformity. We are not pleased
to receive Mrs. Brown's card by post, and then to
meet her making a personal visit to our next neigh-
bor. We all wish to receive our personal visits, and
if a lady cannot call on all her formal acquaintances
once, she had better call on none.
If she gives one reception a year and invites all her
"list," she is then at liberty to refrain from either
calling or sending a card, unless she is asked to a
wedding or dinner, a ladies' lunch or a christening, or
receives some very particular invitation which she
must return by an early personal call — the very for-
mal and the punctilious say within a week, but that
is often impossible.
And if a lady have a day, the call should be made
on that day; it is rude to ignore the intimation. One
should try to call on a reception day. But here in a"
crowded city another complication comes in. If a
lady have four Thursdays in January and several
other ladies have Thursdays, it may be impossible
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52 MANXEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
to reach all those ladies on their reception day.
There is nothing for it, then, but to good-naturedly
apologize, and to regret that calling hours are now
reduced to between four and six in large cities.
Some people have too many acquaintances. If they
hope to do anything in the world but drive about and
leave cards, they must exonerate themselves from
blame by giving a reception, having a day or an even-
ing for receiving, and then trust to the good-nature of
society, or its forgetf ulness, which is about the same
thing, to excuse them.
Happy those ladies who can give up an evening a
week to their friends ; that rubs out the score on the
social slate, besides giving a number of people a chance
to spend a very agreeable hour in that society which
gathers around a hospitable lamp.
The danger of this kind of hospitality is that it is
abused by bores, who are too apt to congregate in
numbers, and to wear out the lady of the house by
using her parlor as a spot where they are safe from
the rain and cold and free to bestow their tedious-
ness on anybody, herself included. Then a lady
after committing herself to a reception evening often
wishes to go out herself. It requires unselfishness
to give up an evening to that large circle, some of
whom forget it, some go elsewhere, some come too
often, and sometimes, alas ! no one calls. These are
the drawbacks of an " evening at home." However,
it is a laudable custom; one could wish it were more
common.
No one can forget the eloquent thanks of such men
as Horace Walpole, and other persons of distinction, to
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POSITION OF TOUNG MARRIED WOMEN. 53
the Misses Berry, in London, who kept up their even-
ing receptions for sixty years. But, from the trials of
those who have too much visiting, we turn to the peo-
ple who have all the means and appliances of visiting
and no one to visit.
The young married woman who comes to New
York, or any other large city, often passes years of
loneliness before she has made her acquaintances.
She is properly introduced, we will say by her moth-
er-in-law or some other friend, and then, after a
round of visits in which she has but, perhaps, im-
perfectly apprehended the positions and names of
her new acquaintances, she has a long illness, or she
is called into mourning, or the cares of the nursery
surround her, and she is shut out from society until
it has forgotten her; and when she is ready to emerge,
it is difficult for her to find her place again in the
visiting - book. If she is energetic and clever, she
surmounts this difficulty by giving a series of recep-
tions, or engaging in charities, or working on some
committee, making herself of use to society in some
way; and thus picks up her dropped stitches. But
some young women are without the courage and tact
to do this thing ; they wait, expecting that society
will find them out, and, taking them up, will do all
the work and leave them to accept or refuse civilities
as they please. Society never does this ; it has too
much on its hands; a few conspicuously beautiful ai]d
gifted people may occasionally receive such an ova-
tion, but it is not for the rank and file.
Every youiig woman should try to make at least
one personal visit to those who are older than her-
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54 MAKNEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
self, and she shoald show charity towards those who
do not return this visit immediately. Of course, she
has a right to l)e piqued if her visit be persistently
ignored; and she should not press herself upon a
cold or indifferent acquaintance, but she should be
slow to wrath; and if she is once invited to the older
lady's house, it is worth a dozen calls so far as the
intention of civility is concerned.
It is proper to call in person, or to leave a card,
after an acquaintance has lost a relative, after an en-
gagement is announced, after a marriage has taken
place, after a return from Europe, and of course after
an invitation has been extended; but, as society grows
larger and larger, the first four visits may be omitted,
and cards sent if it is impossible to pay the visits
personally. Most ladies in large cities are invisible ex-
cept on their days; in this way alone can they hope to
have any time for their own individual tastes, be these
what they may — china painting, authorship, embroid-
ery, or music. So the formal visiting gets to be a
mere matter of card-leaving; and the witty author who
suggested that there should be a " clearing-house for
cards," and who hailed the Casino at Newport as a
good institution for the same, was not without genius.
One hates to lose time in this world while greasing
the machinery, and the formal, perfunctory card-leav-
ing is little else.
Could we all have abundant leisure and be sure to
fi6d our friends at home, what more agreeable busi-
ness than visiting? To wander from one pleasant in-
terior to another, to talk a little harmless gossip, to
hear the last moty the best piece of news, to see one's
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A "EABA avis." 65
friends, their children, and the stranger within their
gates — all this is charming; it is the Utopia of so-
ciety; it would be the apotheosis of visiting — if
there were such a thing I
Unfortunately, it is impossible. There may be here
and there a person of such exalted leisure that he
can keep his accounts to society marked in one of
those purple satin manuals stamped "Visites," and
make the proper marks every day under the heads of
"address," "received," "returned visits," and "recep-
tion days," but he is a rara avis.
Certain rules are, however, immutable. A first call
from a new acquaintance should be speedily returned.
These are formal calls, and should be made in person
between the hours of four and six in New York and
other large cities. Every town has its own hours for
receiving, however. When calling for the first time on
several ladies not mother and daughters in one family,
a card should be left on each. In the first call of the
season, a lady leaves her own card and those of her
husband, sons, and daughters.
A lady has a right to leave her card without asking
for the lady of the house if it is not her day, or if
there is any reason — such as bad weather, pressure of
engagements, or the like — which renders time an im-
portant matter.
If ladies are I'eceiving, and she is admitted, the vis-
itor should leave her husband's cards for the gentle-
men of the family on the hall table. Strangers stay-
ing in town who wish to be called upon should send
their cards by post, with address attached, to those
whom they would like to see.
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56 MAKNEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
There is no necessity of calling after a tea or gen-
eral reception if one has attended the festivity, or
has left or sent a card on that day.
For reception days a lady wears a plain, dark, rich
dress, taking care, however, never to be overdressed
at home. She rises when her visitors enter, and is
careful to seat her friends so that she can have a word
with each. If this is impossible, she keeps her eye on
the recent arrivals to be sure to speak to every one.
She is to be forgiven if she pays more attention to the
aged, to some distinguished stranger, or to some one
who has the still higher claim of misfortune, or to one
of a modest and shrinking temperament, than to one
young, gay, fashionable, and rich. If she neglects
these fortunate visitors they will not feel it ; if she
bows low to them and neglects the others, she betrays
that she is a snob. If a lady is not sure that she is
known by name to her hostess, she should not fail to
pronounce her own name. Many ladies send their
cards to the young brides who have come into a
friend's family, and yet who are without personal
acquaintance. Many, alas ! forget faces, so that a
name quickly pronounced is a help. In the event of
an exchange of calls between two ladies who have nev-
er met (and this has gone on for years in New York,
sometimes until death has removed one forever), they
should take an early opportunity of speaking to each
other at some friend's house ; the younger should ap-
proach the elder and introduce herself; it is always
regarded as a kindness ; or the one who has received
the first attention should be the first to speak.
It is well always to leave a card in the hall even if
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"p. p. C." CAKDS. 57
one is received, as it assists the lady's memory in her
attempts to return these civilities. Cards of condo-
lence must be returned by a mourning-card sent in an
envelope at such reasonable time after the death of a
relative as one can determine again to take up the
business of society. When the separate card of a
lady is left, with her reception day printed in one cor-
ner, two cards of her husband should be left, one for
the lady, the other for the master, of the house ; but
after the first call of the season, it is not necessary to
leave the husband's card, except after a dinner invi-
tation. It is a convenience, although not a universal
custom, to have the joint names of husband and wife,
as " Dr. and Mrs. J. B. Watson," printed on one card,
to use as a card of condolence or congratulation,
but not as a visiting-card. These cards are used as
" P. P. C." cards, and can be sent in an envelope by
post. Society is rapidly getting over its prejudice
against sending cards by post. In Europe it is always
done, and it is much safer. Etiquette and hospitality
have been reduced to a system in the Old World. It
would be much more convenient could we do that
here. Ceremonious visiting is the machinery by which
an acquaintance is kept up in a circle too largo for
social visiting ; but every lady should try to make one
or two informal calls each winter on intimate friends.
These calls can be made in the morning in the plain-
est walking-dress, and are certainly the most agreeable
and flattering of all visits.
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58 MAXNEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
CHAPTER V.
INVITATIONS, ACCEPTANCES, AND REGRETS.
The engraving of invitation-cards has become the
important function of more than one enterprising
firm in every city, so that it seems unnecessary to say
more than that the most plain and simple style of
engraving the necessary words is all that is requisite.
The English ambassador at Rome has a plain, stiff,
unglazed card of a large size, on which is engraved.
Sir Augustus and Lady Paget
request tlie pleasure of company
on Thursday evening, November fifteenth, at ten o^ clock.
The favor of an answer is requested.
The lady of the house writes the name of the in-
vited guest in the blank space left before the word
"company." Many entertainers in America kesp
these blanks, or half-engraved invitations, always on
hand, and thus save themselves the trouble of writing
the whole card.
Sometimes, however, ladies prefer to write their
own dinner invitations. The formula should always
be,
Mr. and Mrs. Henry Brown
request the pleasure of
Mr. and Mrs. Jones's company at dinner,
November fifteenth, at seven o'clock,
132 Blank St. West.
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INVITATIONS TO DINNEB. 59
These invitations should be immediately answered,
and with a peremptory acceptance or a regret. Never
enter into any discussion or prevision with a dinner
invitation. Never write, saying "you will come if
you do not have to leave town," or that you will " try
to come," or, if you are a married pair, that you will
"one of you come." Your hostess wants to know
exactly who is coming and who isn't, that she may
arrange her table accordingly. Simply say,
Mr. and Mrs. James Jones
accept with pleasure the polite invitation of
Mr. and Mrs. Henry Brown for dinner
on November fifteenth^
at seven o'clock.
Or if it is written in the first person, accept in the
same informal manner, but quickly and decisively.
After having accepted a dinner invitation, if illness
or any other cause interfere with your going to the
dinner, send an immediate note to your hostess, that
she may fill your place. Never selfishly keep the
place open for yourself if there is a doubt about your
going. It has often made or marred the pleasure of
a dinner-party, this hesitancy on the part of a guest
to send in time to her hostess her regrets, caused by
the illness of her child, or the coming on of a cold, or
a death in the family, or any other calamity. Re-
member always that a dinner is a most formal affair,
that it is the highest social compliment, that its hap-
py fulfilment is of the greatest importance to the
hostess, and that it must be met in the same formal
spirit. It precludes, on her part, the necessity of hav-
ing to make a first call, if she be the older resident.
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although she generally calls first. Some young neo-
phytes in society, having been asked to a dinner where
the elderly lady who gave it had forgotten to enclose
her card, asked if they should call afterwards. Of
course they were bound to do so, although their
hostess should have called or enclosed her card.
However, one invitation to dinner is better than
many cards as a social compliment.
We have been asked by many, " To whom should
the answer to an invitation be addressed?" If Mr.
and Mrs. Brown invite you, answer Mr. and Mrs.
Brown. If Mrs. John Jones asks you to a wedding,
answer Mrs. John Jones. Another of our correspond-
ents asks, " Shall I respond to the lady of the house
or to the bride if asked to a wedding?" This seems
so impossible a confusion that we should not think of
mentioning so self-evident a fact had not the doubt
arisen. One has nothing to say to the bride in an-
swering such an invitation ; the answer is to be sent
to the hostess, who writes.
Always carefully observe the formula of your invi-
tation, and answer it exactly. As to the card of the
English ambassador, a gentleman should write : " Mr.
Algernon Gracie will do himself the honor to accept
the invitation of Sir Augustus and Lady Paget." In
America he would be a trifle less formal, saying,
"Mr. Algernon Gracie will have much pleasure in
accepting the polite invitation of Mr. and Mrs. Henry
Brown." We notice that on all English cards the
" R. S. V. P." is omitted, and that a plain line of Eng-
lish script is engraved, saying, "The favor of an an-
swer is requested."
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GENTLEMEN MUST " BEQUEST THE PLEASURE." 61
In this country the invitations to a dinner are al-
ways in the name of both host and hostess, but invi-
tations to a ball, " at home," a tea, or garden-party, are
in the name of the hostess alone. At a wedding the
names of both host and hostess are given. And if a
father entertains for his daughters, he being a wid-
ower, his name appears alone for her wedding ; but
if his eldest daughter presides over his household, his
and her name appear together for dinners, receptions,
and "at homes." Many widowed fathers, however,
omit the names of their daughters on the invitation.
A young lady at th^ head of her father's house may,
if she is no longer very young, issue her own cards
for a tea. It is never proper for very young ladies
to invite gentlemen in their own name to visit at the
house, call on them, or to come to dinner. The invi-
tation must come from the father, mother, or chap-
eron.
At the Assembly, Patriarchs', Charity ball, or any
public affair, the word " ball " is used, but no lady
invites you to a "ball" at her own house. The
words " At Home," with " Cotillon " or " Dancing "
in one comer, and the hour and date, alone are nec-
essary. If it is to be a small, informal dance, the word
" Informal " should be engraved in one comer. OflS-
cers of the army and navy giving a ball, members of
the hunt, bachelors, members of a club, heads of com-
mittees, atways "request the pleasure," or, " the honor
of your company." It is not proper for a gentleman
to describe himself as " at home ;" he must " request
the pleasure." A rich bachelor of Utopia who gave
many entertainments made this mistake, and sent a
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62 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
card — "Mr. Horatio Brown. At Home. Tuesday,
November fourteenth. Tea at four " — ^to a lady who
had been an ambassadress. She immediately replied :
Mrs. Rousby is very glad to hear that Mr. Horatio
Brown is at home — she hopes that he will stay there ;
but of what possible consequence is that to Mrs.
Rousby ?" This was a piece of rough wit, but it told
the young man of his mistake. Another card, issued
with the singular formula, "Mrs. Ferguson hopes to
see Mrs. Rousby at the church," on the occasion of
the wedding of a daughter, brought forth the rebuke,
" Nothing is so deceitful as human, hope." The phrase
is an improper one. Mrs. Ferguson should have " re-
quested the pleasure."
In asking for an invitation to a ball for friends,
ladies must be cautious not to intrude too far, or to
feel offended if refused. Often a hostess has a larger
list than she can fill, and she is not able to ask all
whom she would wish to invite. Therefore a very
great discretion is to be observed on the part of those
who ask a favor. A lady may always request an invi-
tation for distinguished strangers, or for a young dan-
cing man if she can answer for him in every way, but
rarely for a married couple, and almost never for a
couple living in the same city, unless newly arrived.
Invitations to evening or day receptions are general-
ly " at home " cards. A lady may use her own visiting
cards for five-o'clock tea. For other entertainments,
"Music," "Lawn-tennis," "Garden-party," "Read-
ings and Recitals," may be engraved in one comer,
or written in by the lady herself.
As for wedding invitations, they are almost invari-
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INVITATIONS TO LADIES' LUNCHES. 63
ably sent out by the parents of the bride, engraved in
small script on note-paper. The style can always bo
obtained of a fashionable engraver. They should be
sent out a fortnight before the wedding-day, and are
not to be answered unless the guests are requested to
attend a '^ sit-down" breakfast, when the answer must be
as explicit as to a dinner. Those who cannot attend
the wedding send or leave their visiting-cards either
on the day of the wedding or soon after. Invitations
to a luncheon are generally written by the hostess on
note-paper, and should be rather informal, as lunch-
eon is an informal meal. However, nowadays ladies'
luncheons have become such grand, consequential, and
expensive affairs, that invitations are engraved and
sent out a fortnight in advance, and answered imme-
diately. There is the same etiquette as at dinner ob-
served at these formal luncheons. There is such a
thing, however, as a " stand-up " luncheon — a sort of
reception with banquet, from which one could absent
one's self without being missed.
Punctuality in keeping all engagements is a feature
of a well-bred character, in society as well as in busi-
ness, and it cannot be too thoroughly insisted upon.
In sending a " regret " be particular to word your
note most respectfully. Never write the word " re-
grets" on your card unless you wish to insult your
hostess. Send a card without any pencilling upon it,
or write a note, thus : " Mrs. Brown regrets that a
previous engagement will deprive her of the pleasure
of accepting the polite invitation of Mrs. Jones."
No one should, in the matter of accepting or refus-
ing an invitation, economize his politeness. It is bet-
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64 MANNEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
ter to err on the other side. Your friend has done
his best in inviting you.
The question is often asked us, " Should invitations
be sent to people in mourning?" Of course they
should. No one would knowingly intrude on a house
in which there is or has been death within a month ;
but after that, although it is an idle compliment, it is
one which must be paid ; it is a part of the machinery
of society. As invitations are now directed by the
hundreds by hired amanuenses, a lady should careful-
ly revise her list, in order that no names of persons
deceased may be written on her cards ; but the mem-
bers of the family who remain, and who have suffered
a loss, should be carefully remembered, and should
not be pained by seeing the name of one who has de-
parted included in the invitations or wedding-cards.
People in deep mourning are not invited to dinners or
luncheons, but for weddings and large entertainments
cards are sent as a token of remembrance and compli-
ment. After a year of mourning the bereaved family
should send out cards with a narrow black edge to all
who have remembered them.
Let it be understood that in all countries a card
sent by a private hand in an envelope is equivalent
to a visit. In England one sent by post is equivalent
to a visit, excepting after a dinner. Nothing is pen-
cilled on a card sent by post, except the three letters
"P. P. C." No such words as "accepts," "declines,"
" regrets " should be written on a card. As much ill-
will is engendered in New York by the loss of cards
for large receptions and the like, some of which the
messenger-boys fling into the gutter, it is a thousand
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SENDING INVITATIONS BY MAIL. 65
pities that we cannot agree to send all invitations by-
mail. People always get letters that are sent by post,
particularly those which they could do without. Why
should they not get their more interesting letters that
contain invitations ? It is considered thoroughly re-
spectful in England, and as our people are fond of
-copying that stately etiquette, why should they not
follow this sensible part of it ?
It is in every sense as complimentary to send a let-
ter by the post as by the dirty fingers of a hired mes-
senger. Very few people in this country can afford
to send by their own servants, who, again, rarely find
the right address.
5
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66 HANNEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
CHAPTER VL
THE ETIQUETTE OP WEDDINGS.
ScABCELY a week passes during the year that the
fashionable journals do not publish " answers to cor-
respondents " on that subject of all others most in-
teresting to young ladies, the etiquette of weddings.
No book can tell the plain truth with sufficient em-
phasis, that the etiquette at a grand wedding is al-
ways the same. The next day some one writes to a
newspaper again,
"Shall the bridegroom wear a dress -coat at the
hour of eleven a.m., and who pays for the wedding-
cards?" The wedding of to-day in England has
"set the fashion" for America. No man ever puts
on a dress-coat before his seven-o'clock dinner, there-
fore every bridegroom is dressed in a frock-coat and
light trousers of any pattern he pleases; in other
words, he wears a formal morning dress, drives to
the church with his best man, and awaits the arrival
of the bride in the vestry-room. He may wear gloves
or not as he chooses. The best man is the intimate
friend, sometimes the brother, of the groom. He
accompanies him to the church, as we have said, fol-
lows him to the altar, stands at his right hand a lit-
tle behind him, and holds his hat during the mar-
riage-service. After that is ended he pays the cler-
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FOBMS OBSBBVED AT WEDDINGS. 67
gyman's fee, accompanies, in a coup6 by himself, the
bridal party home, and then assists the ushers to in-
troduce friends to the bridal pair.
The bridegroom is allowed to make what presents
he pleases to the bride, and to send something in the
nature of a fan, a locket, a ring, or a bouquet to the
bridesmaids; he has also to buy the wedding-ring,
and, of course, he sends a bouquet to the bride ; but he
is not to furnish cards or carriages or the wedding-
breakfast; this is all done by the bride's family. In
England the groom is expected to drive the bride
away in his own carriage, but in America even that
is not often allowed.
The bride meantime is dressed in gorgeous array,
generally in white satin, with veil of point-lace and
orange blossoms, and is driven to the church in a car-
riage with her father, who gives her away. Her
mother and other relatives having preceded her take
the front seats. Her bridesmaids should also precede
her, and await her in the chancel of the church.
The ushers then proceed to form the procession
with which almost all city weddings are begun. The
ushers first, two and two ; then the bridesmaids, two
and two ; then some pretty children — ^bridesmaids un-
der ten ; and then the bride, leaning on her father's
right arm. Sometimes the child bridesmaids precede
the others. As the cortege reaches the lowest altar-
step the ushers break ranks and go to the right and
left ; the bridesmaids also separate, going to the right
and left, leaving a space for the bridal pair. As the
bride reaches the lowest step the bridegroom ad-
vances, takes her by her right hand, and conducts her
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68 HANNEBS AKD SOCIAL USA6S8.
to the altar, where they both kneel. The clergyman,
being already in his place, signifies to them when to
rise, and then proceeds to make the twain one.
The bridal pair walk down the aisle arm-in-arm,
and are immediately condacted to the carriage and
driven home; the rest follow. In some cases, but
rarely in this country, a bridal register is signed in
the vestry.
Formerly brides removed the whole glove; now
they adroitly cut the finger of the left-hand glove, so
that they can remove that without pulling off the
whole glove for the ring. Such is a church wedding,
performed a thousand times alike. The organ peals
forth the wedding-march, the clergyman pronounces
the necessary vows to slow music, or not, as the con-
tracting parties please. Music, however, adds very
much to this ceremony. In a marriage at home, the
bridesmaids and best man are usually dispensed with.
The clergyman enters and faces the company, the
bridal pair follow and face him. After the ceremony
the clergyman retires, and the wedded pair receive
congratulations.
An attempt has been made in America to introduce
the English fashion of a wedding-breakfast. It is
not as yet acclimated, but it is, perhaps, well to de-
scribe here the proper etiquette. The gentlemen and
ladies who are asked to this breakfast should be ap-
prised of that honor a fortnight in advance, and
should accept or decline immediately, as it has all the
formality of a dinner, and seats are, of course, very
important. On arriving at the house where the break-
fast is to be held, the gentlemen leave their hats in
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DBINKING HEALTHS. 69
the hall, but ladies do not remove their bonnets. Af-
ter greeting the bride and bridegroom, and the father
and mother, the company converse for a few moments
until breakfast is announced. Then the bride and
groom go first, followed by the bride's father with
.the groom's mother, then the groom's father with
the bride's mother, then the best man with the first
bridesmaid, then the bridesmaids with attendant gen-
tlemen, who have been invited for this honor, and
then the other invited guests, as the bride's mother
has arranged. Coffee and tea are not offered, but
bouillon, salads, birds, oysters, and other hot and cold
dishes, ices, jellies, etc., are served at this breakfast,
together with champagne and other wines, and finally
the wedding-cake is set before the bride, and she cuts
a slice.
The health of the bride and groom is then proposed
by the gentleman chosen for this office, generally the
father of the groom, and responded to by the father
of the bride. The groom is sometimes expected to
respond, and he proposes the health of the brides-
maids, for which the best man returns thanks. Unless
all are unusually happy speakers, this is apt to be awk-
ward, and " stand-up " breakfasts are far more com-
monly served, as the French say, en buffet. In the
first place, the possibility of asking more people com-
mends this latter practice, and it is far less trouble to
serve a large, easy collation to a number of people
standing about than to furnish what is really a din-
ner to a number sitting down.
Wedding presents are sent any time within two
months before the wedding, the earlier the better, as
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10 MANNEBS AND SOCIAL USAQXS.
many brides like to arrange their own tables artisti-
cally, if the presents are shown. Also, all brides
should write a personal note thanking each giver for
his gift, be it large or small.
All persons who send gifts should be invited to the
wedding and to the reception, although the converse
of this proposition does not hold true; for not all who
are asked to the wedding are expected to send gifts.
Wedding presents have now become almost absurd-
ly gorgeous. The old fashion, which was started
among the frugal Dutch, of giving the young couple
their household gear and a sum of money with which
to begin, has now degenerated into a very bold dis-
play of wealth and ostentatious generosity, so that
friends of moderate means are afraid to send any-
thing. Even the cushion on which a wealthy bride
in New York was lately expected to kneel was so
elaborately embroidered with pearls that she visibly
hesitated to press it with her knee at the altar. Sil-
ver and gold services, too precious to be trusted to
ordinary lock and key, are displayed at the wedding
and immediately sent off to some convenient safe.
This is one of the necessary and inevitable overgrowths
of a luxury which we have not yet learned to man-
age. In France they do things better, those nearest
of kin subscribing a sum of money, which is sent to
the bride's mother, who expends it in the bridal trous-
seau, or in jewels or silver, as the bride pleases.
So far has this custom transcended good taste that
now many persons of refined minds hesitate to show
the presents.
After giving an hour and a half to her guests, the
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WEDDING-PAVOBS. 71
bride retires to change her dress ; generally her most
intimate friends accompany her. She soon returns
in her travelling-dress, and is met at the foot of the
stairs by the groom, who has also changed his dress.
The father, mother, and intimate friends kiss the
bride, and, as the happy pair drive off, a shower of
satin slippers and rice follows them. If one slipper
alights on the top of the carriage, luck is assured to
them forever.
Wedding-cake is no longer sent about. It is neatly
packed in boxes ; each guest takes one, if she likes, as
she leaves tire house.
Wedding-favors made of white ribbon and artifi-
cial flowers are indispensable in England, but Amer-
ica has had the good taste to abjure them until lately.
Such ornaments are used for the horses* ears and the
servants' coats in this country. Here the groom wears
a boiUonnUre of natural flowers.
A widow should never be accompanied by brides-
maids, or wear a veil or orange-blossoms at her mar-
riage. She should at church wear a colored silk and
a bonnet. She should be attended by her father,
brother, or some near friend.
It is proper for her to remove her first wedding-
ring, as the wearing of that cannot but be painful to
the bridegroom.
If married at home, the widow bride may wear a
light silk and be bonnetless, but she should not in-
dulge in any of the signs of first bridal.
It is an exploded idea that of allowing every one to
kiss the bride. It is only meet that the near rela-
tives do that.
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The formula for wedding-cards is generally this :
Mr. and Mrs. Brown
reqttest the pleasure of pour company
at the toedding of their daughter Maria to John Stanley,
at Aseennon Church,
on Tuesday, November fifteenth,
at two o*clock.
These invitations are engraved on note-paper.
If friends are invited to a wedding-breakfast or a
reception at the house, that fact is stated on a sepa-
rate card, which is enclosed in the same envelope.
Of course in great cities, with a large acquaintance,
many are asked to the church and not to the house.
This fact should never give offence.
The smaller card runs in this fashion :
Beception
at99B Street, at TuUf-past tu>o.
To these invitations the invited guests make no re-
sponse save to go or to leave cards. All invited
guests, however, are expected to call on the young
couple and to invite them during the year.
Of course there are quieter weddings and very
simple arrangements as to serving refreshments : a
wedding-cake and a decanter of sherry often are
alone offered to the witnesses of a wedding.
Many brides prefer to be married in travelling-
dress and hat, and leave immediately, without con-
gratulations.
The honey-moon in our busy land is usually only a
fortnight in the sky, and some few bridal pairs prefer
to spend it at the quiet country house of a friend, as
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SUITABLE TIME FOB MABBIAGB. 73
is the English fashion. But others make a harried
trip to Niagara, or to the Thousand Islands, or go
to Europe, as the case may be. It is extraordinary
that none stay at home; in beginning a new life all
agree that a change of place is the first requisite.
* After the return home, bridal dinners and parties
are offered to the bride, and she is treated with dis-
tinction for three months. Her path is often strewed
with flowers from the church to her own door, and it is,
metaphorically, so adorned during the first few weeks
of married life. Every one hastens to welcome her to
her new condition, and she has but to smile and ac-
cept the amiable congratulations and attentions which
are showered upon her. Let her parents remember,
however, in sending cards after the wedding, to let
the bride's friends know where she can bo found in
her married estate.
Now as to the time for the marriage. There is
something exquisitely poetical in the idea of a June
wedding. It is the very month for the softer emo-
tions and for the wedding journey. In England it is
the favorite month for marriages. May is consid-
ered unlucky, and in an old almanac of 16 7 8 we find
the following notice : " Times prohibiting marriage :
Marriage comes in on the 13th day of January and
at Septuagesima Sunday; it is out again until Low
Sunday, at which time it comes in again and goes not
out until Rogation Sunday. Thence it is forbidden
until Trinity Sunday, from whence it is unforbidden
until Advent Sunday; but then it goes out and comes
not in again until the 13th of January next follow-
ing."
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74 MANKSBS AND SOCIAL USAQES.
Our brides have, however, all seasons for their own,
excepting May, as we have said, and Friday, an un-
lucky day. The month of roses has very great rec-
ommendations. The ceremony is apt to hh performed
in the country at a pretty little church, which lends
its altar-rails gracefully to wreaths, and whose Gothic •
windows open upon green lawns and trim gardens.
The bride and her maids can walk over the delicate
sward without soiling their slippers, and an opportu-
nity offers for carrying parasols made entirely of flow-
ers. But if it is too far to walk, the bride is driven
to church in her father's carriage with him alone,
her mother, sisters, and bridesmaids having preceded
her. In England etiquette requires that the bride
and groom should depart from the church in the
groom's carriage. It is strict etiquette there that the
groom furnish the carriage with which they return
to the wedding-breakfast and afterwards depart in
state, with many wedding-favors on the horses' heads,
and huge white bouquets on the breasts of coachman
and footman.
It is in England, also, etiquette to drive with four
horses to the place where the honey- moon is to be
spent ; but in America the drive is generally to the
nearest railway-station.
Let us give a further sketch of the duties of the
best man. He accompanies the groom to the church
and stands near him, waiting at the altar, until the
bride arrives; then he holds the groom's hat. He
signs the register afterwards as witness, and pays the
clergyman's fee, and then follows the bridal proces-
sion out of the church, joining the party at the house,
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DUTIES OP THE BEST MAN. 75
where he still further assists the groom by present-
ing the guests. The bridesmaids sometimes form a
line near the door at a June wedding, allowing the
bride to walk through this pretty alley-way to the
church.
The bridegroom's relatives sit at the right of the
altar or communion rails, thus being on the bride-
groom's right hand, and those of the bride sit on the
left, at the bride's left hand. The bridegroom and
best man stand on the clergyman's left hand at the
altar. The bride is taken by her right hand by the
groom, and of course stands on his left hand ; her fa-
ther stands a little behind her. Sometimes the female
relatives stand in the chancel with the bridal group,
but this can only happen in a very large church ; and
the rector must arrange this, as in high churches the
marriages take place outside the chancel.
After the ceremony is over the clergyman bends
over and congratulates the young people. The bride
then takes the left arm of the groom, and passes
down the aisle, followed by her bridesmaids and the
ushers.
Some of our correspondents have asked us what the
best man is doing at this moment ? Probably waiting
in the vestry, or, if not, he hurries down a side aisle,
gets into a carriage, and drives to the house where the
wedding reception is to be held.
October is a good month for both city and country
weddings. In our climate, the brilliant October days,
not too warm, are admirable for the city guests, who
are invited to a country place for the wedding, and cer-
tainly it is a pleasant season for the wedding journey.
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76 KAKNBBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
Travelling costumes for brides in England are very
elegant^ even showy. Velvet, and even light silks
and satins, are used ; but in our country plain cloth
and cashmere costumes are more proper and more
fashionable.
For weddings in families where a death has recently
occurred, all friends, even the widowed mother, should
lay aside their mourning for the ceremony, appearing
in colors. It is considered unlucky and inappropriate
to wear black at a wedding. In our country a wid-
owed mother appears at her daughter's wedding in
purple velvet or silk ; in England she wears deep
cardinal red, which is considered, under these circum-
stances, to be mourning, or proper for a person who
is in mourning.
We should add that ushers and groomsmen are un-
known at an English wedding. The sexton of the
church performs the functions which are attended to
here by ushers.
Note. — The young people who are about to be married make
a list together as to whom cards should be sent, and all cards
go from the young lady's family. No one thinks it strange to
get cards for a wedding. A young lady should write a note of
thanks to every one who sends her a present before she leaves
home ; all her husband's friends, relatives, etc., all her own,
and to people whom she does not know these notes should es-
pecially be written, as their gifts may be prompted by a sense of
kindness to her parents or her fiance, which she should recog-
nize. It is better taste to write these notes on note-paper than
on cards. It is not necessary to send cards to each member of
a family ; include them all under the head of "Mr. and Mrs.
Brown and family." It would be proper for a young lady to
send her cards to a physician under whose care she has been if
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KOTE OF THANKS FOR WEDDING PBESENTS. 17
she was acquainted with him socially, but it is not expected
when the acquaintance is purely professional. A fashionable
and popular physician would be swamped with wedding-cards
if that were the custom. If, however, one wishes to show grati-
tude and remembrance, there would be no impropriety in send-
ing cards to such a gentleman.
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MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
CHAPTER VII.
BEFOBE THE WEDDING AND AFTER.
The reception of an engaged girl by the family of
her future husband should be most cordial, and no
time should be lost in giving her a warm welcome.
It is the moment of all others when she will feel such
a welcome most gratefully, and when any neglect will
be certain to give her the keenest unhappiness.
It is the fashion for the mother of the groom to in-
vite both the family of the expectant bride and her-
self to a dinner as soon as possible after the formal
announcement of the engagement. The two fami-
lies should meet and should make friendships at once.
This is important.
It is to these near relatives that the probable date
of the wedding-day is first whispered, in time to allow
of much consultation and preparation in the selection
of wedding gifts. In opulent families each has some-
times given the young couple a silver dinner service
and much silver besides, and the rooms of the bride's
father's house look like a jeweller's shop when the
presents are shown. All the magnificent ormolu or-
naments for the chimney-piece, handsome clocks and
lamps, fans in large quantities, spoons, forks by the
hundred, and of late years the fine gilt ornaments,
furniture, camel's-hair shawls, bracelets — all are piled
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WEDDING GIFTS. 79
up in most admired confusion. And when the in-
vitations are out, then come in the outer world with
their more hastily procured gifts ; rare specimens of
china, little paintings, ornaments for the person — all,
all are in order.
A present is generally packed where it is bought,
and sent with the giver's card from the shop to the
bride directly. She should always acknowledge its
arrival by a personal note written by herself. A
young bride once gave mortal offence by not thus
acknowledging her gifts. She said she had so many
that she could not find time to write the notes,
which was naturally considered boastful and most
ungracious.
Gifts which owe their value to the personal taste
or industry of the friend who sends are particularly
complimentary. A piece of embroidery, a painting,
a water -color, are most flattering gifts, as they be-
token a long and predetermined interest.
No friend should be deterred from sending a small
present, one not representing a money value, because
other and richer people can send a more expensive
one. Often the little gift remains as a most endear-
ing and useful souvenir.
As for showing the wedding gifts, that is a thing
which must be left to individual taste. Some people
disapprove of it, and consider it ostentatious ; others
have a large room devoted to the display of the pres-
ents, and it is certainly amusing to examine them.
As for the conduct of the betrothed pair during
their engagement, our American mammas are apt to
be somewhat more lenient in their views of the liberty
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80 MANNEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
to be allowed than are the English. WitLthe latter,
no young lady is allowed to drive alone with her
fianck; there must be a servant in attendance. No
young lady must visit in the family of Yxtrfianci, un-
less he has a mother to receive her. Nor is she allowed
to go to the theatre alone with him, or to travel under
his escort, to stop at the same hotel, or to relax one of
those rigid rules which a severe chaperon would en-
force; and it must be allowed that this severe and
careful attention to appearances is in the best taste.
As for the engagement-ring, modem fashion pre-
scribes a diamond solitaire, which may range in price
from two hundred and fifty to two thousand dollars.
The matter of presentation is a secret between the
engaged pair.
Evening weddings do not differ from day weddings
essentially, except that the bridegroom wears evening
dress.
If the wedding is at home, the space where the
bridal party is to stand is usually marked off by a
ribbon, and the clergyman comes down in his robes
before the bridal pair ; they face him, and he faces
the company. Hassocks are prepared for them to
kneel upon. After the ceremony the clergyman re-
tires, and the bridal party take his place, standing to
receive their friends' congratulations.
Should there be dancing at a wedding, it is proper
for the bride to open the first quadrille with the best
man, the groom dancing with the first bridesmaid.
It is not, however, very customary for a bride to dance,
or for dancing to occur at an evening wedding, but it
is not a bad old custom.
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BEGEPTION DATS AFTER MABBIAGE. 81
After the bridal pair return from their wedding-
tour, the bridesmaids each give them a dinner or a
party, or show some attention, if they are so situated
that they can do so. The members of the two fam-
ilies, also, each give a dinner to the young couple.
It is now a very convenient and pleasant custom
for the bride to announce with her wedding-cards two
or more reception days during the winter after her
marriage, on which her friends can call upon her.
The certainty of finding a bride at home is very
pleasing. On these occasions she does not wear her
wedding-dress, but receives as if she had entered
society as one of its members. The wedding trap-
pings are all put away, and she wears a dark silk,
which may be as handsome as she chooses. As for
wearing her wedding-dress to balls or dinners after
her marriage, it is perfectly proper to do so, if she
divests herself of her veil and her orange-blossoms.
The bride should be very attentive and conciliatory
to all her husband's friends. They will look with in-
terest upon her from the moment they hear of the
engagement, and it is in the worst taste for her to
show indifference to them.
Quiet weddings, either in church or at the house,
are very much preferred by some families. Indeed,
the French, from whom we have learned many — ^and
might learn more — ^lessons of grace and good taste,
infinitely prefer them.
For a quiet wedding the bride dresses in a travel-
ling dress and bonnet, and departs for her wedding-
tour. It is the custom in England, as we have said,
for the bride and groom to drive off in their own car-
6
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82 MANNBES AND SOCIAL USAGES.
riage, which is dressed with white ribbons, the coach-
man and groom wearing white bouquets, and favors
adorning the horses' ears, and for them to take a
month's honeymoon. There also the bride (if she be
Hannah Rothschild or the Baroness Burdett-Coutts)
gives her bridesmaids very elegant presents, as a lock-
et or a bracelet, while the groom gives the best man
a scarf-pin or some gift. The American custom is
not so universal. However, either bride or groom
gives something to the bridesmaid and a scarf-pin to
each usher. Thus a wedding becomes a very expen-
sive and elaborate affair, which quiet and economical
people are sometimes obliged to avoid.
After the marriage invitations are issued, the lady
does not appear in public.
The period of card-leaving after a wedding is not
yet definitely fixed. Some authorities say ten days,
but that in a crowded city, and with an immense ac-
quaintance, would be quite impossible.
If only invited to the church, many ladies consider
that they perform their whole duty by leaving a card
sometime during the winter, and including the young
couple in their subsequent invitations. Very rigorous
people call, however, within ten days, and if invited
to the house, the call is still more imperative, and
should be made soon after the wedding.
But if a young couple do not send their future
address, but only invite one to a church-wedding,
there is often a very serious difficulty in knowing
where to call, and the first visit mtist be indefinitely
postponed until they send cards notifying their friends
of their whereabouts.
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WEDDING INVITATIONS. 83
Wedding invitations require no answer. But peo-
ple living at a distance, who cannot attend the wed-
ding, should send their cards by mail, to assure the
hosts that the invitation has been received. The
usual form for wedding-cards is this:
Mr. and Mrs. Theodore Chapman
request your presence at tJie
marriage of their daughter, on
Wednesday evening, November fourth, at eight o'clock,
Grace Church.
The card of the young lady, that of her intended
husband, and another card to the favored —
At Home
after the ceremony,
7 East Market Street-
is also enclosed.
People with a large acquaintance cannot always
invite all their friends, of course, to a wedding recep-
tion, and therefore invite all to the church. Some-
times people who are to give a small wedding at
home request an answer to the wedding invitation;
in that case, of course, an answer should be sent, and
people should be very careful not to ignore these
flattering invitations. Any carelessness is inexcusable
when so important an event is on the tapis. Brides-
maids, if prevented by illness or sudden bereavement
from officiating, should notify the bride as soon as
possible, as it is a difficult thing after a bridal cor-
tege is arranged to reorganize it.
As to the wedding-tour, it is no longer considered
obligatory, nor is the seclusion of the honey-moon
demanded. A very fashionable girl who married an
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84 MANNEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
Englishman last summer at Newport returned in three
days to take her own house at Newport, and to re-
ceive and give out invitations. If the newly married
pair thus begin house-keeping in their own way, they
generally issue a few " At Home " cards, and thereby
open an easy door for future hospitalities. Certainly
the once perfunctory bridal tour is no longer deemed
essential, and the more sensible fashion exists of the
taking of a friend's house a few miles out of town for
a month.
If the bridal pair go to a watering-place during
their early married days, they should be very careful
of outward display of tenderness.
Such exhibitions, in the cars or in public places as
one often sees, of the bride laying her head on her
husband's shoulder, holding hands, or kissing, are at
once vulgar and indecent. All public display of an
affectionate nature should be sedulously avoided. The
affections are too sacred for such outward showing,
and the lookers-on are in a very disagreeable position.
The French call love-making V^gdisme d deux, and no
egotism is agreeable. People who see a pair of young
doves cooing in public are apt to say that a quarrel is
not far off. It is possible for a lover to show every
attention, every assiduity, and not to overdo his dem-
onstrations. It is quite possible for the lady to be
fond of her husband without committing the slightest
offence against good taste.
The young couple are not expected, unless Fortune
has been exceptionally kind, to be immediately re-
sponsive in the matter of entertainments. The outer
world is only too happy to entertain them. Nothing
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WHEN THE BRIDE SHOULD RECEIVE. 85
can be more imprudent than for a young couple to
rush into expenditures which may endanger their
future happiness and peace of mind, nor should they
feel that they are obliged at once to return the din-
ners and the parties given to them. The time will
come, doubtless, when they will be able to do so.
But the announcement of a day on which the bride
will receive her friends is almost indispensable. The
refreshments on these occasions should not exceed
tea and cake, or, at the most, punch, tea, chocolate,
and cakes, which may stand on a table at one end of
the room, or may be handed by a waiter. Bouillon,
on a cold day of winter, is also in order, and is per-
haps the most serviceable of all simple refreshments.
For in giving a " four-o'clock tea," or several day re-
ceptions, a large entertainment is decidedly vulgar.
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86 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
CHAPTER VIII.
GOLD, SILVER, AND TIN WEDDINGS.
Very few people have the golden opportunity of
living together for fifty years in the holy estate of
matrimony. When they have overcome in so great a
degree the many infirmities of the flesh, and the com-
mon incompatibility of tempers, they deserve to be
congratulated, and to have a wedding festivity which
shall be as ceremonious as the first one, and twice as
impressive. But what shall we give them ?
The gifts of gold must be somewhat circumscribed,
and therefore the injunction, so severe and so unal-
terable, which holds good at tin and silver weddings,
that no presents must be given of any other metal
than that designated by the day, does not hold good
at a golden wedding. A card printed in gold letters,
announcing that John Anderson and Mary Brown
were married, for instance, in 1830, and will celebrate
their golden wedding in 1880, is generally the only
golden manifestation. One of the cards recently is-
sued reads in this way :
1831. 1881.
Mr, and Mrs, John Anderson,
At Home November twenty-first, 1881,
Oolden Wedding,
17 CarmicJiael Street,
at eight o'clock.
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GOLDEN WEDDINGS. 87
All done in. gold, on white, thick English paper, that
is nearly all the exhibition of gold necessary at a
golden wedding, unless some friend gives the aged
bride a present of jewellery. The bride receives her
children and grandchildren dressed in some article
which she wore at her first wedding, if any remain.
Sometimes a veil, or a handkerchief, or a fan, scarcely
ever the whole dress, has lasted fifty years, and she
holds a bouquet of white flowers. A wedding-cake
is prepared with a ring in it, and on the frosting is
the date, and the monogram of the two, who have
lived together so long.
These golden weddings are apt to be sad. It is
not well for the old to keep anniversaries — too many
ghosts come to the feast. Still, if people are happy
enough to wish to do so, there can be no harm in it.
Their surroundings may possibly surpass their fond-
est dreams, but as it regards themselves, the contrast
is painful. They have little in common with bridal
joys, and unless it is the wish of some irrepressible
descendant, few old couples care to celebrate the
golden wedding save in their hearts. If they have
started at the foot of the ladder, and have risen, they
may not wish to remember their early struggles ; if
they have started high, and have gradually sunk into
poverty or ill health, they certainly do not wish to
photograph those better days by the fierce light of
an anniversary. It is only the very exceptionally
good, happy, and serene people who can afford to
celebrate a golden wedding.
Far otherwise with the silver wedding, which comes
in this country while people are still young, in the
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88 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
very prime of life, with much before them, and when
to stop midway to take an account of one's friends
and one's blessings is a wise and a pleasant thing.
The cards are issued, printed in silver, somewhat in
this style :
1856. 1881.
Mr. and Mrs. Carter
request the pleasure of your company
on Wednesday, October the twenty-seventh,
at eight o'clock.
Silver Wedding.
John Carter. Sarah Smith.
Such, at least, is one form. Many people do not,
however, add their names at the end; while, again,
some go even farther, and transcribe the marriage
notice from the newspaper of the period.
Gifts of silver being comparatively inexpensive,
and always useful, almost all friends who are invited
send a gift of silver- ware, marked " Silver Wedding ;"
or, still better, marked with an appropriate motto,
and the initials of the pair, engraved in a true-lover's
knot.
In old Dutch silver these pretty monograms and
the lover's knot are very common. This was proba-
bly put upon the original wedding silver, and we
know that the art was studied by such men as Al-
brecht Diirer, Benvenuto Cellini, and Rubens, for
we find among their drawings many monograms and
such devices. It adds very much to the beauty of a
piece of silver to bear such engraving, and it is al-
ways well to add a motto, or a "posy," as the old
phrase has it, thus investing the gift with a personal
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SILVER WEDDING PRESENTS. 89
interest, in our absence of armorial bearings. Since
many pretty ornaments come in silver, it is possible
to vary the gifts by sometimes presenting flacona (a
pendant ^acon for the chdtdaine: some very artistic
things come in this pretty ornament now, with col-
ored plaques representing antique figures, etc.).
Sometimes a costly intaglio is sunk in silver and
set as a pin. Clocks of silver, bracelets, statuary in
silver, necklaces, picture-frames, and filigree pendants
hanging to silver necklaces which resemble pearls;
beautiful jewel-cases and boxes for the toilet ; dress-
ing-cases well furnished with silver ; hand-mirrors set
in fretted silver ; bracelets, pendant seals, and medal-
lions in high relief — ^all come now for gifts in the
second precious metal. A very pretty gift was de-
signed by a young artist for his mother on the cele-
bration of her silver wedding. It was a monogram
and love-knot after the fashion of the seventeenth
century, and made, when joined, a superb belt-clasp,
each little ornament of the relief repeating the two
dates. Mantle clasps of solid silver ornamented with
precious stones, and known in the Middle Ages as
fermiUetSy are pretty presents, and these ornaments
can be also enriched with gold and enamel without
losing their silver character. Chimerical animals and
floral ornaments are often used in enriching these
agrafes.
Mirrors set in silver are very handsome for the
toilet - table ; also, brushes and combs can be made
of it. All silver is apt to tarnish, but a dip in water
and ammonia cleans it at once, and few people now
like the white foamy silver ; that which has assumed
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90 KANXEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
a gray tint is mucli more admired. Indeed, artistic
jewellers have introduced the hammered silver, which
looks like an old tin teapot, and to the admirers of
the real silver tint is very ugly ; but it renders the
wearing of a silver chdtdaine very much easier, for
the chains and ornaments which a lady now wears on
her belt are sure to grow daily into the fashion. Sil-
ver parasol handles are also very fashionable. We
have enlarged upon this subject of gifts of silver in
answer to several questions as to what it is proper to
give at a silver wedding. Of course the wealthy can
send pitchers, vases, vegetable dishes, soup tureens,
and waiters. All the beautiful things which are now
made by our silversmiths are tempting to the purse.
There are also handsome silver necklaces, holding old
and rare coins, and curious watches of silver, resem-
bling fruits, nuts, and animals. The farther back we
go in the history of silver-ware, the better models we
are sure to obtain.
As for the entertainment, it includes the inevitable
cake, of course, and the bride puts the knife into it
as she did twenty-five years ago. The ring is eagerly
sought for. Then a large and plentiful repast is of-
fered, exactly like that of any reception-table. Cham-
pagne is in order, healths are drunk, and speeches
made at most of these silver weddings.
Particularly delightful are silver weddings which
are celebrated in the country, especially if the house
is large enough to hold a number of guests. Then
many a custom can be observed of peculiar signifi-
cance and friendliness; everybody can help to pre-
pare the feast, decorate the house with flowers, and
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TIN AND WOODEN WEDDINGS. 91
save the bride from those tearful moments which
come with any retrospect. All should try to make
the scene a merry one, for there is no other reason
for its celebration.
Tin weddings, which occur after ten years have
passed over two married heads, are signals for a gen-
eral frolic. Not only are the usual tin utensils which
can be used for the kitchen and household purposes
offered, but fantastic designs and ornaments are got-
ten up for the purpose of raising a laugh. One young
bride received a handsome check from her father-in-
law, who labelled it " Tin," and sent it to her in a tin
pocket-book elaborately constructed for the purpose.
One very pretty tin fender was constructed for the
fireplace of another, and was not so ugly. A tin
screen, tin chandeliers, tin fans, and tin tables have
been offered. If these serve no other purpose, they
do admirably for theatrical properties later, if the
family like private plays, etc., at home.
Wooden weddings occur after five years of mar-
riage, and afford the bride much refurnishing of the
kitchen, and nowadays some beautiful presents of
wood-carving. The wooden wedding, which was be-
gun in jest with a step-ladder and a rolling-pin several
years ago, now threatens to become a very splendid
anniversary indeed, since the art of carving in wood
is so popular, and so much practised by men and
women. Every one is ready for a carved box, picture-
frame, screen, sideboard, chair, bureau, dressing-table,
crib, or bedstead. Let no one be afraid to offer a bit
of wood artistically carved. Everything is in order
but wooden nutmegs ; they are ruled out.
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92 MAKNEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
At one of the golden weddings of the Rothschilds
we read of such presents as a solid gold dinner ser-
vice ; a chased cup of Benvenuto Cellini in solid gold,
enriched with precious stones ; a box, with cover of
gold, in the early Renaissance, with head of Marie .
de Medicis in oxidized gold; of rings from -Cyprus,
containing sapphires from the tombs of the Crusaders ;
of solid crystals cut in drinking cups, with handles of
gold; of jade goblets set in gold saucers; of sing-
ing-birds in gold ; and of toilet appliances, all in solid
gold, not to speak of chains, rings, etc. This is luxury,
and as such to be commended to those who can afford
it. But it must entail great inconvenience. Gold is
so valuable that a small piece of it goes a great way,
and even a Rothschild would not like to leave out a
gold dressing-case, lest it might tempt the most honest
of waiting-women.
No doubt some of our millionaire Americans can
afford such golden wedding - presents, but of course
they are rare, and even if common, would be less in
keeping than some less magnificent gifts. Our re-
publican simplicity would be outraged and shocked
at seeing so much coin of the realm kept out of cir-
culation.
There are, however, should we wish to make a pres-
ent to a bride of fifty years' standing, many charming
bits of gold jewellery very becoming, very artistic, and
not too expensive for a moderate purse. There are
the delicate productions of Castellani, the gold and
enamel of Venice, the gold- work of several different
colors which has become so artistic; there are the
modem antiques, copied from the Phcenician jewellery
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A BEAUTIFUL CUSTOM. 03
found at Cyprus — these made into pins for the cap,
pendants for the neck, rings and bracelets, boxes for
the holding of small sweetmeats, so fashionable many
years ago, are pretty presents for an elderly lady.
For a gentleman it is more difficult to find souvenirs.
We must acknowledge that it is always difficult to
select a present for a gentleman. Unless he has ad
many feet as Briareus had hands, or unless he is a
centipede, he cannot wear all the slippers given to
him; and the shirt-studs and sleeve-buttons are equal-
ly burdensome. Rings are now fortunately in fash-
ion, and can be as expensive as one pleases. But one
almost regrets the disuse of snuff, as that gave occa-
sion for many beautiful boxes. It would be difficult
to find, however, such gold snuffboxes as were once
handed round among monarchs and among wealthy
snuffers. The giving of wedding-presents has had to
endure many changes since its first beginning, which
was a wise and generous desire to help the young
pair to begin house-keeping. It has become now an
occasion of ostentation. So with the gifts at the gold
and silver weddings. They have almost ceased to be
friendly offerings, and are oftener a proof of the giv-
er's wealth than of his love.
No wonder that some delicate-minded people, wish-
ing to celebrate their silver wedding, cause a line
to be printed on their invitations, "No presents re-
ceived."
Foreigners have a beautiful custom, which we have
not, of remembering every f^te day, every birthday,
every saint's day, in a friend's calendar. A bouquet,
a present of fruit, a kind note, a little celebration
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94 MANNBBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
which costs nothing, occurs in every family on papa's
birthday or mamma's fete day. But as we have noth-
ing of that sort, and as most people prefer that, as in
the case of the hero of the Pirates^ a birthday shall
only come once in four years, it is well for us to cele-
brate the tin, silver, and golden weddings.
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UTVITATIONS TO PARTIES. 95
CHAPTER IX.
THE ETIQUETTE OF BALLS.
A HOSTESS must not use the word " ball " on her
invitation-cards. She may say,
Mrs. John Brown requests the pleasure of the company of
Mr. and Mrs. Amos Smith
on Thursday evening, November twenty-second,
at nine o'clock.
Dancing. B. S. V. P.
Or,
Mrs. John Brown
At Home
Thursday evening, November twenty-second,
at nine o'clock.
Cotillon at ten. R. 8. V. P.
But she should not indicate further the purpose of
her party. In New York, where young ladies are in-
troduced to society by means of a ball at Delmonico's,
the invitation is frequently worded,
Mr. and Mrs. Amos Smith request the pleasure
of your company
Thursday evening, November twenty-second,
at nine o'clock.
Delmonico's.
The card of the young debutante is sometimes (al-
though not always) enclosed.
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96 MANNKBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
If these invitations are sent to new acquaintances,
or to strangers in town, the card of the gentleman is
enclosed to gentlemen, that of both the gentleman
and his wife to ladies and gentlemen, if it is a first
invitation.
A ballroom should be very well lighted, exceeding-
Ij'^ well ventilated, and very gayly dressed. It is the
height of the gayety of the day ; and although dinner
calls for handsome dress, a ball demands it. Young
persons of slender figure prefer light, diaphanous
dresses; the chaperons can wear heavy velvet and
brocade. Jewels are in order. A profusion of flow-
ers in the hands of the women should add their
brightness and perfume to the rooms. The great
number of bouquets sent to a debutante is often
embarrassing. The present fashion is to have them
hung, by different ribbons, on the arm, so that they
look as if almost a trimming to the dress.
Gentlemen who have not selected partners before
the ball come to their hostess and ask to be presented
to ladies who will dance with them. As a hostess
cannot leave her place while receiving, and people
come at all hours to a ball, she generally asks two or
three well-known society friends to receive with her,
who will take this part of her duty off her hands, for
no hostess likes to see "wall-flowers" at her ball : she
wishes all her young people to enjoy themselves.
Well-bred young men always say to the hostess that
they beg of her to introduce them to ladies who may
be without partners, as they would gladly make them-
selves useful to her. After dancing with a lady, and
walking about the room with her for a few times, a
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AKRANGEMENT OF SEATS AT BALLS. 97
gentleman is at perfect liberty to take the young
lady back to her chaperon and plead another engage-
ment.
A great drawback to balls in America is the lack of
convenience for those who wish to remain seated. In
Europe, where the elderly are first considered, seats are
placed around the room, somewhat high, for the chap-
erons, and at their feet sit the debutantes. These red-
covered sofas, in two tiers, as it were, are brought in
by the upholsterer (as we hire chairs for the crowded
musicaks or readings so common in large cities), and
are very convenient. It is strange that all large halls
are not furnished with them, as they make every one
comfortable at very little expense, and add to the ap-
pearance of the room. A row of well-dressed ladies,
in velvet, brocade, and diamonds, some with white
hair, certainly forms a very distinguished background
for those who sit at their feet.
Supper is generally served all the evening from a
table on which flowers, fruits, candelabra, silver, and
glass are displayed, and which is loaded with hot
oysters, boned turkey, salmon, game pdtes^ salads,
ices, jellies, and fruits, from the commencement of
the evening. A hot supper, with plentiful cups of
bouillon, is served again for those who dance the
germau.
But if the hostess so prefer, the supper is not
served until she gives the word, when her husband
leads the way with the most distinguished lady pres-
ent, the rest of the company following. The hostess
rarely goes in to supper until every one has been
served. She takes the opportunity of walking about
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98 MA^'NEliS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
her ballroom to see if every one is liappy and at-
tended to. If she does go to supper, it is in order
to accompany some distinguished guest — like the
President, for instance. This is, however, a point
which may be left to the tact of the hostess.
A young lady is not apt to forget her ballroom
engagements, but she should be euro not to do so.
She must be careful not to offend one gentleman by
refusing to dance with him, and then accepting the
offer of another. Such things, done by frivolous girls,
injure a young man's feelings unnecessarily, and prove
that the young lady has not had the training of a
gentlewoman. A young man should not forget if he
has asked a young lady for the german. He must
send her a bouquet, and be on hand to dance with her.
If kept away by sickness, or a death in his family, he
must send her a note before the appointed hour.
It is not necessary to take leave of your hostess at
a ball. All that she requires of you is to bow to her
on entering, and to make yourself as agreeable and
happy as you can while in her house.
Young men are not always as polite as they should
be at balls. They ought, if well-bred, to look about,
and see if any lady has been left unattended at
supper, to ask if they can go for refreshments, if
they can lead a lady to a seat, go for a carriage, etc.
It is not an impertinence for a young man thus to
speak to a lady older than himself, even if he has not
been introduced; the roof is a sufficient introduction
for any such purpose.
The first persons asked to dance by the young gen-
tlemen invited to a house should be the daughters
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OBJECTIONABLE AMERICAN CUSTOM. 99
of the house. To them and to their immediate rel-
atives and friends must the first attentions be paid.
It is not wise for young ladies to join in every
dance, nor should a young chaperon dance, leaving
her protegee sitting. The very bad American custom
of sending several young girls to a ball with a very
young chaperon — perhaps one of their number who
has just been married — has led to great vulgarity in
our American city life, not to say to that general
misapprehension of foreigners which offends without
correcting our national vanity. A mother should en-
deavor to attend balls with her daughters, and to stay
as long as they do. But many mothers say, " We are
not invited : there is not room for us." Then her
daughters should not accept. It is a very poor Amer-
ican custom not to invite the mothers. Let a lady
give two or three balls, if her list is so large that she
can only invite the daughters. If it be absolutely
necessary to limit the invitations, the father should
go with the daughters, for who else is to escort them
to their carriage, take care of them if they faint, or
look to their special or accidental wants ? The fact
that a few established old veterans of society insist
upon " lagging superfluous on the stage " should not
deter ladies who entertain from being true to the
ideas of the best society, which certainly are in favor
of chaperonage.
A lady should not overcrowd her rooms. To put
five hundred people into a hot room, with no chairs
to rest in, and little air to breathe, is to apply a very
cruel test to friendship. It is this impossibility of
putting one's "five hundred dear friends" into a
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100 X MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
narrow house which has led to the giving of balls at
public rooms — an innovation which shocked a French
woman of rank who married an American. " You have
no safeguard for society in America," she observed,
" but your homes. No aristocracy, no king, no court,
no traditions, but the sacred one of home. Now, do
you not run great risks when you abandon your
homes, and bring out your girls at a hotel ?" There
is something in her wise remarks ; and with the care-
lessness of chaperonage in cities which are now large-
ly populated by irresponsible foreigners the dangers
increase.
The first duty of a gentleman on entering a ball-
room is to make his bow to the lady of the house and
to her daughters ; he should then strive to find his
host — a very diificult business sometimes. Young men
are to be very much censured, however, who do not
find out their host, and insist on being presented to
him. Paterfamilias in America is sometimes thought
to hold a very insignificant place in his own house,
and be good for nothing but to draw checks. This is
indicative of a very low social condition, and no man
invited to a gentleman's house should leave it until he
has made his bow to the head thereof.
It is proper for intimate friends to ask for invita-
tions for other friends to a ball, particularly for young
gentlemen who are "dancing men." More prudence
should be exercised in asking in behalf of ladies, but
the hostess has always the privilege of saying that
her list is full, if she does not wish to invite her
friends' friends. No offence should be taken if this
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ARBAyGEMENTS AT A BALL. 101
In a majority of luxurious bouses a tea-room is open
from the beginning to the end of a ball, frequently on
the second story, where bouillon, tea, coffee, and mac-
aroons are in order, or a plate of sandwiches, or any
such light refreshment, for those who do not wish a
heavy supper. A large bowl of iced lemonade is also
in this room — a most grateful refreshment after leav-
ing a hot ballroom.
The practice of putting crash over carpets has
proved so unhealthy to the dancers, on account of
the fine fuzz which rises from it in dancing, that it is
now almost wholly abandoned ; and parquet floors are
becoming so common, and the dancing on them is so
much more agreeable in every way, that ladies have
their heavy parlor carpets taken up before a ball
rather than lay a crash.
A smoking-room, up or down stairs, is set apart for
the gentlemen, where, in some houses, cigars and bran-
dy and effervescent waters are furnished. If this
provision be not made, it is the height of indelicacy
for gentlemen to smoke in the dressing-rooms.
The bad conduct of young men at large balls, where
they abuse their privileges by smoking, gettmg drunk
at supper, eating unreasonably, blockading the tables,
and behaving in an unseemly manner, even coming to
blows in the supper-rooms, has been dwelt upon in the
annals of the past, which annals ever remain a dis-
grace to the young fashionables of any city. Happily,
such breaches of decorum are now so rare that there
is no need to touch upon them here.
Many of our correspondents ask the embarrassing
question, " Who is it proper to invite to a first ball ?"
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102 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
This is a question which cannot be answered in a
general way. The tact and delicacy of the host must
decide it.
At public balls there should be managers, ushers,
stewards, and, if possible, a committee of ladies to
receive. It is very much more conducive to the
elegance of a ball if there be a recognized hostess, or
committee of hostesses : the very aspect of the room is
thus improved. And to a stranger from another city
these ladies should be hospitable, taking care that she
be introduced and treated with suitable attention.
An awning and carpet should be placed at the front
entrance of a house in which a ball is to be given, to
protect the guests against the weather and the gaze
of the crowd of by-standers who always gather in
a great city to see the well-dressed ladies alight.
Unfortunately^ in a heavy rain these awnings are
most objectionable ; they are not water-proof, and as
soon as they are thoroughly wet they afford no pro-
tection whatever.
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IJ£1T£BS OF CUB ANOKSTOBS. 103
CHAPTER X.
LETTEBS AND LETTEE-WBITING.
The person who can write a graceful note is always
spoken of with phrases of commendation. The epis-
tolary art is said to be especially feminine, and the
novelists and essayists are full of compliments to the
sex, which is alternately praised and objurgated, as
man feels well or ill. Bulwer says : " A woman is
the genius of epistolary communication. Even men
write better to a woman than to one of their own sex.
No doubt they conjure up, while writing, the loving,
listening face, the tender, pardoning heart, the ready
tear of sympathy, and passionate confidences of heart
and brain flow rapidly from the pen." But there is
no such thing now as an " epistolary style." Our im-
mediate ancestors wrote better and longer letters than
we do. They covered three pages of large letter-
paper with crow-quill handwriting, folded the paper
neatly, tucked one edge beneath the other (for there
were no envelopes), and then sealed it with a wafer
or with sealing-wax. To send one of these epistles
was expensive — ^twenty-five cents from New York to
Boston. However, the electric telegraph and cheap
postage and postal-cards may have been said, in a way,
to have ruined correspondence in the old sense ; lovers
and fond mothers doubtless still write long letters, but
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104 MANNEBS AND SOCIAL USAGSS.
the business of the letter-writer proper is at an end.
The writing of notes has, however, correspondingly
increased; and the last ten years have seen a pro-
fuse introduction of emblazoned crest and cipher,
pictorial design, and elaborate monogram in the cor-
ners of ordinary note-paper. The old ilhiminated
missal of the monks, the fancy of the Japanese, the
ever-ready taste of the French, all have been exhaust-
ed to satisfy that always hungry caprice which calls
for something new.
The frequency with which notes upon business and
pleasure must fly across a city and a continent has
done 3way, also, with the sealing-wax, whose definite,
red, clear, oval was a fixture with our gi-andfathers, and
which is still the only elegant, formal, and ceremoni-
ous way acknowledged in England, of sealing a letter.
There were, however, serious objections to the use
of wax in this country, which were discovered during
the early voyages to California. The intense heat of
the Isthmus of Panama melted the wax, and letters
were irretrievably glued together, to the loss of the
address and the confusion of the postmaster. So the
glued envelope — common, cheap, and necessary — ^be-
came the almost prevailing fashion for all notes as
well as letters.
The taste for colored note-paper with flowers in
the corner was common among the belles of thirty
years ago — the " rose - colored and scented hillet-
dotix^^ is often referred to in the novels of that pe-
riod. But colored note-paper fell into disuse long
ago, and for the last few years we have not seen the
heavy tints. A few pale greens, grays, blues, and li-
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STYLE OP NOTE-PAPER AND ENVELOPES. 105
lacs have, indeed, found a place in fashionable station-
ery, and a deep coffee-colored, heavy paper had a little
run about three years ago; but at the present moment
no color that is appreciable is considered stylish, un-
less it be icrUy which is only a creamy white.
A long truce is at last bidden to the fanciful,
emblazoned, and colored monogram; the crest and
cipher are laid on the shelf, and ladies have simply
the address of their city residence, or the name of
their country place, printed in one corner (generally
in color), or, latest device of fashion, a fac-simile of
their initials, carefully engraved, and dashed across
the corner of the note-paper. The day of the week,
also copied from their own handwriting, is often im-
pressed upon the square cards now so much in use for
short notes, or on the note-paper.
There is one fashion which has never changed, and
will never change, which is always in good taste, and
which, perhaps, would be to-day the most perfect of
all styles, and that is, good, plain, thick, English note-
paper, folded square, put in a square envelope, and
sealed with red sealing-wax which bears the imprint
of the writer's coat of arms. No one can make any
mistake who uses such stationery as this in any part
of the world. On such paper and in such form are
ambassadors' notes written ; on such paper and in
such style would the Princess Louise write her notes.
However, there is no law against the monogi'am.
Many ladies still prefer it, and always use the paper
which has become familiar to their friends. It is,
however, a past rather than a present fashion.
The plan of having all the note-paper marked with
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lOG IIANNEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
the address is an admirable one, for it effectually re-
minds the person who receives the note where the
answer should be sent — information of which some
ladies forget the importance, and which should al-
ways be written, if not printed, at the head of a let-
ter. It also gives a stylish finish to the appearance
of the note-paper, is simple, unpretending, and useful.
The ink should invariably be black. From the very
superior, lasting qualities of a certain purple fluid,
which never became thick in the inkstand, certain
ladies, a few years ago, used the purple and lilac inks
very much. But they are not elegant; they are not
in fashion ; the best note-writers do not use them.
The plain black ink, which gives the written charac-
ters great distinctness, is the only fashionable medium.
Every lady should study to acquire an elegant, free,
and educated hand ; there is nothing so useful, so sure
to commend the writer everywhere, as such a chirog-
raphy; while a cramped, poor, slovenly, uneducated,
unformed handwriting is sure to produce the impres-
sion upon the reader that those qualities are more or
less indicative of the writer's character. The angu-
lar English hand is at present the fashion, although
less legible and not more beautiful than the round
hand. We cannot enter into that great question as
to whether or not handwriting is indicative of char-
acter; but we hold that a person's notes are generally
characteristic, and that a neat, flowing, graceful hand,
and a clean sheet, free from blots, are always agree-
able to the eye. The writer of notes, also, must care-
fully discriminate between the familiar note and the
note of ceremony, and should learn how to write both.
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CORRECT MODE OF WRITING INVITATIONS. 107
Custom demands that we begin all notes in the "first
person, with the formula of " My dear Mrs. Smith,"
and that we close with the expressions, " Yours cor-
dially," " Yours with much regard," etc. The laws
of etiquette do not permit us to use numerals, as 3,
4, 5, but demand that we write out three, four, five.
No abbreviations are allowed in a note to a friend,
as, "S** be glad to see you;" one must write out,
"I should be glad to see you." The older letter-
writers were punctilious about writing the first word
of the page below the last line of the page preced-
ing it. The date should follow the signing of the
name.
.A great and very common mistake existing among
careless letter- writers is the confusion of the first and
third persons ; as a child would write, " Miss Lucy
Clark will be happy to come to dinner, but I am go-
ing somewhere else." This is, of course, wildly igno-
rant and improper.
A note in answer to an invitation should be written
in the third person, if the invitation be in the third
person. No abbreviations, no visible hurry, but an
elaborate and finished ceremony should mark such
epistles. For instance, an acceptance of a dinner
invitation must be written in this form :
Mr. and Mrs. Cadogan
have great pleasure in accepting the polite
invitation of
Mr. ajid Mrs. Sutherland
for dinner on the seventeenth imt, at seven o'clock,
18 Lombard Square.
July sUcth.
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108 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
One lady in New York was known to answer a din-
ner invitation simply with the words, "Come with
pleasure." It is unnecessary to add that she was
never invited again.
It is impossible to give persons minute directions as
to the style of a note, for that must be the outgrowth
of years of careful education, training, and good men-
tal powers. " To write a pretty note " is also some-
what of a gift. Some young men and young girls
find it very easy, others can scarcely acquire the
power. It is, however, absolutely necessary to strive
for it.
In the first place, arrange your ideas, know what
you want to say, and approach the business of writing
a note with a certain thoughtf ulness. If it is neces-
sary to write it hastily, summon all your powers of
mind, and try to make it brief, intelligible, and com-
prehensive.
Above all things, spell correctly. A word badly
spelled stands out like a blot on a familiar or a cere-
monious note.
Do not send a blurred, blotted, slovenly note to
any one ; it will remain to call up a certain prejudice
against you in the mind of the recipient. The fashion
is not now, as it once was, imperative that a margin
be left around the edge of the paper. People now
write all over the paper, and thus abolish a certain
elegance which the old letters undoubtedly possessed.
But postage is a consideration, and all we can ask of
the youthful letter-writers is that they will not cross
their letters. Plaid letters are the horror of all peo-
ple who have not the eyes of a hawk.
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CUSTOM OP SEALING NOTES BTILL IN USE. 109
No letter or note should be written on ruled paper.
To do so is both inelegant and unfashionable, and sa-
vors of the school-room. Every young person should
learn to write without lines.
The square cards are much used, and are quite large
enough for the transmission of all that a lady ordi-
narily wishes to say in giving or accepting an invita-
tion. The day of the week and the address are often
printed on the card.
Square envelopes have also driven the long ones
from the table of the elegant note -writer, and the
custom of closing all ceremonious notes with sealing-
wax is still adhered to by the most fastidious. It
would be absurd, however, to say that it is nearly as
common as the more convenient habit of moistening
the gummed envelope, but it is far more elegant,
and every young person should learn how to seal a
note properly. To get a good impression from an en-
graved stone seal, anoint it lightly with linseed-oil, to
keep the wax from adhering; then dust it with rouge
powder to take off the gloss, and press it quickly, but
firmly, on the melted wax.
Dates and numerical designations, such as the num-
ber of a house, may be written in Arabic figures, but
quantities should be expressed in words. Few abbre-
viations are respectful. A married lady should al-
ways be addressed with the prefix of her husband's
Christian name.
In this country, where we have no titles, it is the
custom to abbreviate everything except the title of
"Reverend," which we always give to the clergy.
But it would be better if we made a practice of giving
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110 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
to each person his special title, and to all returned
ambassadors, members of Congress, and members of
the Legislature the title of " Honorable." The Ro-
man Catholic clergy and the bishops of the Episcopal
and Methodist churches should be addressed by their
proper titles, and a note should be, like a salutation,
infused with respect. It honors the writer and the
person to whom it is written, while a careless letter
may injure both.
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INCOXGIiUOUS STYLES OF DRESS. Ill
CHAPTER XL
INCONGRUITIES OF DRESS,
We are all aware of the value of a costume, such
as the dress of the Pompadour era : the Swiss peas-
ant's bodice, the Normandy cap, the faldetta of the
Maltese, the Hungarian national dress, the early Eng-
lish, the Puritan square-cut, the Spanish mantilla, the
Roman scarf and white cap — all these come before us ;
and as we mention each characteristic garment there
steps out on the canvas of memory a neat little figure,
in which every detail from shoe to head-dress is har-
monious.
No one in his wildest dreams, however, could set
out with the picture of a marquise, and top it off
with a Normandy cap. Nor could he put powder on
the dark hair of the jaunty little Hungarian. The
beauty of these costumes is seen in each as a whole,
and not in the parts separately. The marquise must
wear pink or blue, or some light color; she must have
the long waist, the square-cut corsage, the large hoop,
the neat slipper, with rosette and high heel, the rouge
and patches to supplement her powdered hair, or she
is no marquise.
The Swiss peasant must have the short skirt, the
white chemisette, the black velvet bodice, the cross
and ribbon, the coarse shoes, and the head-dress of
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112 MANKEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
her canton; the Normandy peasant her dark, striking
dress, her high -heeled, gold -buckled shoe, and her
white apron; the Hungarian her neat, military scarlet
jacket, braided with gold, her scant petticoat and mili-
tary boot, her high cap and feather. The dress of the
English peasant, known now as the "Mother Hub-
bard " hat and cloak, very familiar to the students of
costumes as belonging to the countrywomen of Shak-
speare's time, demands the short, bunched-up petticoat
and high-heeled, high-cut shoes to make it perfect.
We live in an age, however, when fashion, irrespec-
tive of artistic principle, mixes up all these costumes,
and borrows a hat here and a shoe there, the effect
of each garment, diverted from its original intention,
being lost.
If " all things by their season seasoned are," so is
all dress (or it should be) seasonable and comprehen-
sive, congruous and complete. The one great secret
of the success of the French as artists and magicians
of female costume is that they consider the entire figure
and its demands, the conditions of life and of luxury,
the propriety of the substance, and the needs of the
wearer. A lady who is to tread a velvet cai-pet or
a parqueted floor does not need a wooden shoe ; Bhe
needs a satin slipper or boot. Yet in the modem
drawing-room wc sometimes see a young lady dan-
cing in a heavy Balmoral boot which is only fitted for
the bogs and heather of a Scotch tramp. The pres-
ence of a short dress in a drawing-room, or of a long
train in the street, is part of the general incongruity
of dress.
The use of the ulster and the Derby hat became
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ORIGIN OF THE ENGLISH PELISSE. 113
apparent on English yachts, where women learned to
put themselves in the attitude of men, and very prop-
erly adopted the storm jib; but, if one of those women
had been told that she would, sooner or later, appear
in this dress in the streets of London, she would have
been shocked.
In the days of the French emigration, when high-
born ladies escaped on board friendly vessels in the
harbor of Honfleur, many of them had on the long-
waisted and full-skirted overcoats of their husbands,
who preferred to shiver rather than endure the pain
of seeing their wives suffer from cold. These figures
were observed by London tailors and dress-makers,
and out of them grew the English pelisse which after-
wards came into fashion. On a stout Englishwoman
the effect was singularly absurd, and many of the
early caricatures give us the benefit of this incongru-
ity ; for although a small figure looks well in a pelisse,
a stout one never does. The Englishwoman who
weighs two or three hundred pounds should wear a
sacque, a shawl, or a loose cloak, instead of a tight-
waisted pelisse. However, we are diverging. The
sense of the personally becoming is still another branch
of the great subject of dress. A velvet dress, for in-
stance, demands for its trimmings expensive and real
lace. It should not be supplemented by Breton or
imitation Valenciennes. All the very pretty imitation
laces are appropriate for cheap silks, poplins, summer
fabrics, or dresses of light and airy material ; but if
the substance of the dress be of the richest, the lace
should be in keeping with it.
So, also, in respect to jewellery : no cheap or imita-
8
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114 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
tion jewellery should be worn with an expensive dress.
It is as foreign to good taste as it would be for a
man to dress his head and body in the most fashion-
able of hats and coats, and his legs in white duck.
There is incongruity in the idea.
The same incongruity applies to a taste for which
our countrymen have often been blamed — a desire for
the magnificent. A woman who puts on diamonds,
real lace, and velvets in the morning at a summer
watering-place is decidedly incongruous. Far better
be dressed in a gingham, with Hamburg embroid-
ery, and a straw hat with a handkerchief tied round
it, now so pretty and so fashionable. She is then
ready for the ocean or for the mountain drive, the
scramble or the sail. Her boots should be strong,
her gloves long and stout. She thus adapts her at-
tire to the occasion. In the evening she will have
an opportunity for the delicate boot and the trailing
gauze or silk, or that deft combination of all the
materials known as a " Worth costume."
In buying a hat a woman should stand before a
long Psyche glass, and see herself from head to foot.
Often a very pretty bonnet or hat which becomes the
face is absolutely dreadful in that wavy outline which
is perceptible to those who consider the effect as a
whole. All can remember how absurd a large figure
looked in the round poke hat and the delicate Fan-
chon bonnet, and the same result is brought about
by the round hat. A large figure should be topped
by a Gainsborough or Rubens hat, with nodding
plumes. Then the effect is excellent and the propor-
tions are preserved.
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115
N'othing can be more incongruous, again, than a
long, slim, aesthetic figure with a head-gear so dispro-
portionately large as to suggest a Sandwich-Islander
with his head-dress of mats. The " aesthetic craze "
has, however, brought in one improvement in costume.
It is the epauletted sleeve, which gives expansion to
so many figures which are, unfortunately, too narrow.
All physiologists are speculating on the growing nar-
rowness of chest in the Anglo-Saxon race. It is sin-
gularly apparent in America. To remedy this, some
ingenious dress-maker devised a little puff at the top
of the arm, which is most becoming. It is also well
adapted to the " cloth of gold " costume of the days
of Francis I., v/hich modern luxury so much affects.
It is a proud sort of costume, this nineteenth-century
dress, and can well borrow some of the festive feat-
ures of the sixteenth and seventeenth centuries, if
they be not incongruous. We, like those rich nobles
and prosperous burghers, have lighted on piping times
of peace ; we have found a new India of our own ;
our galleons come laden with the spoils of all coun-
tries ; we are rich, and we are able to wear velvet
and brocade.
But we should be as true as they to the pro-
prieties of dress. In the ancient burgher days the
richest citizen was not permitted to wear velvet ; he
had his own picturesque collar, his dark-cloth suit, his
becoming hat. He had no idea of aping the patri-
cian, with his long hat and feather. We are all patri-
cians ; we can wear either the sober suit or the gay
one ; but do let us avoid incongruity.
A woman, in dressing herself for an evening of fes-
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116 MANNBBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
tivity, should remember that, from her ear-rings to her
fan, all must suggest and convey the idea of luxury.
A wooden fan is very pretty in the morning at a
watering-place, but it will not do in the evening.
None of the modem chdtelaine arrangements, however
ornamental, are appropriate for evening use. The
chdtelaine meant originally the chain on which the
lady of the house wore her keys ; therefore its early
association of usefulness remains : it is not luxurious
in intention, however much modern fashion may have
adorned it.
Many a fashion has, it is true, risen from a low es-
tate. The Order of the Garter tells of a monarch's
caprice ; the shoe - buckle and the horseshoe have
crept up into the highest rank of ornaments. But
as it takes three generations to make a gentleman, so
does it take several decades to give nobility to low-
bom omament. We must not try to force things.
A part of the growing and sad incongruity of
modem dress appears in the unavoidable awkward-
ness of a large number of bouquets. A belle cannot
leave the insignia of belledom at home, nor can she
be so unkind as to carry Mr. Smith's flowers and ig-
nore Mr. Brown's ; so she appears with her arms and
hands full, to the infinite detriment of her dress and
general effect. Some arrangement might be devised
whereby such trophies could be dragged in the train
of the high-priestess of fashion.
A little reading, a little attention to the study of
costume (a beautiful study, by-the-way), would soon
teach a young woman to avoid the incongruous in
dress. Some people have taste as a natural gift : they
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IGNOBAKCE OF DBESS-MAKEBS. 11 7
know how to dress from a consultation with their in-
ner selves. Others, alas ! are entirely without it. The
people who make hats and coats and dresses for us
are generally without any comprehension of the his-
tory of dress. To them the hat of the Roundhead
and that of the Cavalier have the same meaning. To
all people of taste and reading, however, they are very
different, and all artists know that the costumes which
retain their hold on the world have been preferred
and have endured because of their fitness to con-
ditions of climate and the grace and ease with which
they were worn.
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118 HANKEBS A^D SOCIAL USAGES.
CHAPTER Xn.
DRESSING FOR DRIVING.
No one who has seen the coaching parade in New
York can have failed to observe the extraordinary
change which has come over the fashion in dress for
this conspicuous occasion. Formerly ladies wore black
silks, or some dark or low-toned color in woollen or
cotton or silk ; and a woman who should have worn
a white dress on top of a coach would, ten years ago,
have been thought to make herself undesirably con-
spicuous.
Now the brightest colored and richest silks, orange,
blue, pink, and lilac dresses, trimmed with lace flounces,
dinner dresses, in fact — all the charming confections
of Worth or Piugat — are freely displayed on the
coach -tops, with the utmost graciousness, for every
passer-by to comment on. The lady on the top of a
coach without a mantle appears very much as she
would at a full-dress ball or dinner. She then com-
plains that sometimes ill-natured remarks float up
from the gazers, and that the ladies are insulted.
The fashion began at Longchamps and at Ascot,
where, especially at the former place, a lady was
privileged to sit in her victoria, with her lilac silk
full ruffled to the waist, in the most perfect and aris-
tocratic seclusion. Then the fast set of the Prince
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EXAGQBRATBD STYLES OF DBESS. 119
of Wales took it up, and plunged into rivalry in dress-
ing for the public procession through the London
streets, where a lady became as prominent an object
of observation as the Lord Mayor's coach. It has
been taken up and developed in America until it has
reached a climax of splendor and, if we may say so,
inappropriateness, that is characteristic* of the follow-
ing of foreign fashions in this country. How can a
white satin, trimmed with lace, or an orange silk, be
the dress in which a lady should meet the sun, the
rain, or the dust of a coaching expedition ? Is it the
dress in which she feels that she ought to meet the
gaze of a mixed assemblage in a crowded hotel or in
a much frequented thoroughfare ? What change of
dress «an there be left for the drawing-room ?
We are glad to see that the Princess of Wales,
whose taste seems to be as nearly perfect as may be,
has determined to set her pretty face against this
exaggerated use of color. She appeared recently in
London, on top of a coach, in a suit of navy-blue
flannel. Again, she and the Empress of Austria are
described as wearing dark, neat suits of d'^rop d^et&y
and also broadcloth dresses. One can see the delicate
figures and refined features of these two royal beau-
ties in this neat and inconspicuous dress, and, when
they are contrasted with the flaunting pink and white
and lace and orange dresses of those who are not
royal, how vulgar the extravagance in color becomes !
Our grandmothers travelled in broadcloth riding-
habits, and we often pity them for the heat and the
distress which they must have endured in the heavy,
high -fitting, long-sleeved garments; yet we cannot
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120 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
but think they would have looked better oii top of
a coach than their granddaughters — who should re-
member, when they complain of the rude remarks,
that we have no aristocracy here whose feelings the
mob is obliged to respect, and that the plainer their
dress the less apt they will be to hear unpleasant
epithets applied to them. In the present somewhat
aggressive Amazonian fashion, when a woman drives
a man in her pony phaeton (he sitting several inches
below her), there is no doubt much audacity uninten-
tionally suggested by a gay dress. A vulgar man,
seeing a lady in white velvet, Spanish lace, a large
hat — in what he considers a "loud" dress — does not
have the idea of modesty or of refinement conveyed
to his mind by the sight; he is very apt to laugh, and
to say something not wholly respectful. Then the
lady says, ^ With how little respect women are treated
in large cities, or at Newport, or at Saratoga !" Were
she more plainly dressed, in a dark foulard or an in-
conspicuous flannel or cloth dress, with her hat simply
arranged, she would be quite as pretty and better
fitted for the matter she has in hand, and very much
less exposed to invidious comment. Women dress
plainly enough when tempting the " salt-sea wave," and
also when on horseback. Nothing could be simpler than
the riding-habit, and yet is there any dress so becom-
ing ? But on the coach they should not be too fine.
Of course, women can dress as they please, but if
they please to dress conspicuously they must be ready
to take the consequences. A few years ago no lady
would venture into the street unless a mantle or a
scarf covered her shoulders. It was a lady-like pre-
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NO AID TO SHYNESS. 121
caution. Then came the inglorious days of the " tied-
backs," a style of dress most unbecoming to the fig-
ure, and now happily no more. This preposterous
fashion had, no doubt, its influence on the manners
of the age.
Better far, if women would parade their charms, the
courtly dresses of those beauties of Bird-cage Walk,
by St. James's Park, where "Lady Betty Modish"
was born — full, long, bouffant brocades, hair piled
high, long and graceful scarfs, and gloves reaching
to the elbow. Even the rouge and powder were a
mask to hide the cheek which did or did not blush
when bold eyes were fastened upon it. Let us not
be understood, however, as extolling these. The nine-
teenth-century beauty moimts a coach with none of
these aids to shyness. No suggestion of hiding any
of her charms occurs to her. She goes out on the
box seat without cloak or shawl, or anything but a
hat on the back of her head and a gay parasol be-
tween her and a possible thunder-storm. These ladies
are not members of an acclimatization society. They
cannot bring about a new climate. Do they not suffer
from cold ? Do not the breezes go through them ?
Answer, all ye pneumonias and diphtherias and rheu-
matisms !
There is no delicacy in the humor with which the
funny papers and the caricaturists treat these very
exaggerated costumes. No delicacy is required. A
change to a quieter style of dress would soon abate
this treatment of which so many ladies complain. Let
them dress like the Princess of Wales and the Empress
of Austria, when in the conspicuous high-relief of the
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coach, and the result will be that ladies, mariied or
single, will not be subjected to the insults of which
so many of them complain, and of which the papers
are full after every coaching parade.
Lady riders are seldom obliged to complain of the
incivility of a passer-by. Theirs are modest figures,
and, as a general thing nowadays, they ride well.
A lady can alight from her horse and walk about in
a crowded place without hearing an offensive word :
she is properly dressed for her exercise.
Nor, again, is a young lady in a lawn-tennis suit as-
sailed by the impertinent criticisms of a mixed crowd
of by-standers. Thousands play at Newport, Sara-
toga, and other places of resort, with thousands look-
ing on, and no one utters a word of rebuke. The
short flannel skirt and close Jersey are needed for
the active runner, and her somewhat eccentric ap-
pearance is condoned. It is not considered an exhi-
bition or a show, but a good, healthy game of physi-
cal exercise. People feel an interest and a pleasure
in it. It is like the old-fashioned merry-making of
the May-pole, the friendly jousts of neighbors on the
common play-ground of the neighborhood, with the
dances under the walnut-trees of sunny Provence.
The game is an invigorating one, and even those who
do not know it are pleased with its animation.' We
have hitherto neglected that gymnastic culture which
made the Greeks the graceful people they were, and
which contributed to the cultivation of the mind.
Nobody finds anything to laugh at in either of these
costumes ; but when people see a ball-dress mounted
high on a coach they are very apt to laugh at it ;
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TIGHT LACING. 123
and women seldom come home from a coaching par-
ade without a tingling cheek and a feeling of shame
hecause of some comment upon their dress and ap-
pearance. A young lady drove up, last summer, to
the Ocean House at Newport in a pony phaeton, and
was offended because a gentleman on the piazza said,
"That girl has a very small waist, and she means
us to see it." Who was to blame ? The young lady
was dressed in a very conspicuous manner : she had
neither mantle nor jacket about her, and she probably
did mean that her waist should be seen.
There is a growing objection all over the world to
the hour-glass shape once so fashionable, and we ought
to welcome it as the best evidence of a tendency to-
wards a more sensible form of dress, as well as one
more conducive to health and the wholesome dis-
charge of a woman's natural and most important
functions. But if a woman laces herself into a six-
teen-inch belt, and then clothes herself in brocade,
satin, and bright colors, and makes herself conspicu-
ous, she should not object to the fact that men, see-
ing her throw aside her mantle, comment upon her
charms in no measured terms. She has no one to
blame but herself.
We might add that by this over-dressing women
deprive themselves of the advantage of contrast in
style. Lace, in particular, is for the house and for
the full-dress dinner or ball. So of the light, gay
silks, which have no fitness of fold or of texture for
the climbing of a coach. If bright colors are desired,
let ladies choose the merinos and nuns' veilings for
coaching dresses ; or, better stilly let them dress in
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124 MANNEES AND SOCIAL USAGES.
dark colors, in plain and inconspicuous dresses, which
do not seem to defy both dust and sun and rain as
well. On top of a coach they are far more exposed
to the elements than when on the deck of a yacht.
Nor, because the fast set of the Prince of Wales
do so in London, is there any reason why American
women should appear on top of a coach dressed in red
velvet and white satin. Let them remember the fact
that the Queen had placed Windsor Castle at the dis-
posal of the Prince for his use during Ascot week, but
that when she learned that two somewhat conspicuous
American beauties were expected, she rescinded the
loan and told the Prince to entertain his guests else-
where.
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CONCBBNING MOVBNiya. 125
CHAPTER XHL
ETIQUETTE OP WOUENING.
There is no possibility of touching upon the sub-
ject of death and burial, and the conditions under
which funerals should be conducted, without hurting
some one's feelings. The Duke of Sutherland's attempt
in England to do away with the dreadful shape which
causes a shudder to all who have lost a friend — that
of the coffin — was called irreverent, because he sug-
gested that the dead should be buried in wicker-work
baskets, with fern-leaves for shrouds, so that the poor
clay might the more easily return to mother earth.
Those who favor cremation suffer again a still more
frantic disesteem; and yet every one deplores the
present gloomy apparatus and dismal observances of
our occasions of mourning.
Death is still to the most Christian and resigned
heart a very terrible fact, a shock to all who live,
and its surroundings, do what we will, are painful.
" I smell the mould above the rose," says Hood, in
his pathetic lines on his daughter's death. There-
fore, we have a difficulty to contend with in the
wearing of black, which is of itself, to begin with,
negatory of our professed belief in the resurrection.
We confess the logic of despair when we drape our-
selves in its gloomy folds. The dress which we
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126 MAKKBBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
should wear, one would think, might be blue, the
color of the sky, or white, in token of light which the
redeemed soul has reached.
Custom, which makes slaves of us all, has decreed
that we shall wear black, as a mark of respect to
those we have lost, and as a shroud for ourselves,
protesting against the gentle ministration of light
and cheerfulness with which our Lord ever strives
to reach us. This is one side of the question ; but,
again, one word as to its good offices. A mourning
dress does protect a woman while in deepest grief
against the untimely gayety of a passing stranger.
It is a wall, a cell of refuge. Behind a black veil
she can hide herself as she goes out for business or
recreation, fearless of any intrusion.
The black veil, on the other hand, is most un-
healthy: it harms the eyes and it injures the skin.
As it rubs against the nose and forehead it is almost
certain to cause abrasions, and often makes an annoy-
ing sore. To the eyes enfeebled by weeping it is sure
to be dangerous, and most oculists now forbid it.
The English, from whom we borrow our fashion
in funeral matters, have a limitation provided by so-
cial law which is a useful thing. They now decree
that crape shall only be worn six months, even for
the nearest relative, and that the duration of mourn-
ing shall not exceed a year. A wife's mourning for
her husband is the most conventionally deep mourn-
ing allowed, and every one who has seen an English
widow will agree that she makes a ** hearse" of herself.
Bombazine and crape, a widow's cap, and a long, thick
veil — such is the modern English idea. Some widows
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CONCERNING MOURNING. 127
even have the cap made of black cr^pe lisse, but it is
generally of white. In this country a widow's first
mourning dresses are covered almost entirely with
crape, a most costly and disagreeable material, easily
ruined by the dampness and dust — a sort of peniten-
tial and self-mortifying dress, and very ugly and very
expensive. There are now, however, other and more
agreeable fabrics which also bear the dead black, lus-
treless look which is alone considered respectful to the
dead, and which are not so costly as crape, or so disa-
greeable to wear. The Henrietta cloth and imperial
serges are chosen for heavy winter dresses, while for
those of less weight are tamise cloth, Bayonnaise, gren-
adine, nuns' veiling, and the American silk.
Our mourning usages are not overloaded with
what may be called the pomp, pride, and circum-
stance of woe which characterize English funerals.
Indeed, so overdone are mourning ceremonies in
England — what with the hired mutes, the nodding
plumes, the costly coffin, and the gifts of gloves
and bands and rings, etc. — that Lady Georgiana
Milnor, of Nunappleton, in York, a great friend of
the Archbishop, wrote a book against the abuse,
ordered her own body to be buried in a pine coffin,
and forbade her servants and relatives to wear
mourning. Her wishes were carried out to the
letter. A black, cloth - covered casket with silver
mountings is considered in the best taste, and the
pall-bearers are given at most a white scarf and a pair
of black gloves. Even this is not always done. At
one time the traffic in these returned bands and gloves
was quite a fortune to the undertaker.
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128 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
Mourning is very expensive, and often costs a fam-
ily more than they can well afford ; but it is a sacri-
fice that even the poorest gladly make, and those who
can least afford it often wear the best mourning, so
tyrannical is custom. They consider it — by M^hat proc-
ess of reasoning no one can understand, unless it be
out of a hereditary bMief that we hold in the heathen
idea of propitiating the manes of the departed — an
act of disrespect to the memory of the dead if the
living are not clad in gloomy black.
However, our business is with the etiquette of
mourning. Widows wear deep mourning, consisting
of woollen stuffs and crape, for about two years, and
sometimes for life, in America. Children wear the
same for parents for one year, and then lighten it
with black silk, trimmed with crape. Half -mourning
gradations of gray, purple, or lilac have been aban-
doned, and, instead, combinations of black and white
are used. Complimentary mourning is black silk
without crape. The French have three grades of
mourning — deep, ordinary, and half mourning. In
deep mourning, woollen cloths only are worn ; in or-
dinary mourning, silk and woollen ; in half mourning,
gray and violet. An American lady is always shocked
at the gayety and cheerfulness of French mourning.
In France, etiquette prescribes mourning for a hus-
band for one year and six weeks — that is, six months
of deep mourning, six of ordinary, and six weeks of
half mourning. For a wife, a father, or a mother,
six months — three deep and three half mourning;
for a grandparent, two months and a half of slight
mourning ; for a brother or a sister, two months, one
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MOUBNING CUSTOMS* 129
of which is in deep mourning; for an uncle or an
aunt, three weeks of ordinary black. In America,
with no fixity of rule, ladies have been known to go
into deepest mourning for their own relatives or those
of their husbands, or for people, perhaps, whom they
have never seen, and have remained as gloomy mon-
uments of bereavement for seven or ten years, con-
stantly in black ; then, on losing a child or a relative
dearly loved, they have no extremity of dress left
to express the real grief which fills their lives — no
deeper black to go into. This complimentary mourn-
ing should be, as in the French custom, limited to two
or three weeks. The health of a delicate child has
been known to be seriously affected by the constant
spectacle of his mother in deep mourning.
The period of a mourner's retirement from the world
has been very much shortened of late. For one year
no f onnal visiting is undertaken, nor is there any gay-
ety in the house. Black is often worn for a husband or
wife two years, for parents one year, and for brothers
and sisters one year; a heavy black is lightened after
that period. Ladies are beginning to wear a small
black gauze veil over the face, and are in the habit of
throwing the heavy crape veil back over the hat. It
is also proper to wear a quiet black dress when going
to a funeral, although this is not absolutely necessary.
Friends should call on the bereaved family within
a month, not expecting, of course, to see them. Kind
notes expressing sympathy are most welcome to the
afflicted from intimate friends, and gifts of flowers,
or any testimonial of sympathy, are thoughtful and
appropriate.
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130 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
Cards and note-paper are now put into mourning
by those who desire to express conventionally their
regret for the dead; but very broad borders of black
look like ostentation, and are in undoubted bad taste.
No doubt all these things are proper enough in their
way, but a narrow border of black tells the story of loss
as well as an inch of coal-black gloom. The fashion
of wearing handkerchiefs which are made with a two-
inch square of white cambric and a four-inch border
of black may well be deprecated. A gay young
widow at Washington was once seen dancing at a re-
ception, a few months after the death of her soldier
husband, with a long black veil on, and holding in her
black-gloved hand one of these handkerchiefs, which
looked as if it had been dipped in ink. " She should
have dipped it in blood,'* said a by-stander. Under
such circumstances we learn how much significance is
to be attached to the grief expressed by a mourning
veil.
The mourning which soldiers, sailors, and courtiers
wear has something pathetic and effective about it.
A flag draped with crape, a gray cadet-sleeve with a
black band, or a long piece of crape about the left
arm of a senator, a black weed on a hat, these always
touch us. They would even appear to suggest that
the lighter the black, the more fully the feeling of
the heart is expressed. If we love our dead, there is
no danger that we shall forget them. " The custom-
ary suit of solemn black " is not needed when we can
wear it in our hearts.
For lighter mourning jet is used on silk, and there is
no doubt that it makes a very handsome dress. It is
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THE QUESTION OF BLACK GLOVES. 131
a singular fact that there is a certain comfort to some
people in wearing very handsome black. Worth, on
being asked to dress an American widow whom he
had never seen, sent for her photograph, for he said
that he wished to see "whether she was the sort of
woman who would relish a becoming black."
Very elegant dresses are made with Jet embroidery
on crape — the beautiful soft French crape — ^but lace is
never " mourning." Even the French, who have very
light ideas on the subject, do not trim the most orna-
mental dresses with lace during the period of even
second mourning, except when they put the woollen
yak lace on a cloth cloak or mantilla. During a very
dressy half mourning, however, black lace may be
worn on white silk; but this is questionable. Dia-
mond ornaments set in black enamel are allowed even
in the deepest mourning, and also pearls set in black.
The initials of the deceased, in black brilliants or
pearls, are now set in lockets and sleeve-buttons, or
pins. Gold ornaments are never worn in mourning.
White silk, embroidered with black jet, is used in
the second stage of court mourning, with black gloves.
Deep red is deemed in England a proper alternative
for mourning black, if the wearer be called upon to
go to a wedding during the period of the first year's
mourning. At St. George's, Hanover Square, there-
fore, one may often see a widow assisting at the wed-
ding of a daughter or a son, and dressed in a superb
red brocade or velvet, which, directly the wedding is
over, she will discard for her solemn black.
The question of black gloves is one which troubles
all who are obliged to wear mourning through the
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132 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
heat of summer. The black kid glove is painfully
■warm and smutty, disfiguring the hand and soiling
the handkerchief and face. The Swedish kid glove
is now much more in vogue, and the silk glove is
made with such neatness and with such a number of
buttons that it is equally stylish, and much cooler
and more agreeable.
Mourning bonnets are worn rather larger than or-
dinary bonnets. In England they are still made of
the old-fashioned cottage shape, and are very useful
in carrying the heavy veil and in shading the face.
The Queen has always worn this style of bonnet.
Her widow's cap has never been laid aside, and with
her long veil of white falling down her back when
she appears at court, it makes the most becoming
dress that she has ever worn. For such a grief as
hers there is something appropriate and dignified in
her adherence to the mourning - dress. It fully ex-
presses her sad isolation : for a queen can have no near
friends. The whole English nation has sympathized
with her grief, and commended her black dress. Nor
can we criticise the grief which causes a mother to
wear mourning for her children. If it be any comfort
to her to wrap herself in crape, she ought to do so.
The world has no right to quarrel with those who
prefer to put ashes on their heads.
But for the mockery, the conventional absurdities,
and the affectations which so readily lend themselves
to caricature in the name of mourning, no condemna-
tion can be too strong. There is a ghoul-like ghastli-
ness in talking about " ornamental," or " becoming,"
or " complimentary " mourning.
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HANNBB OP CONDUCTING FUNERALS. 133
People of sense, of course, manage to dress without
going to extremities in either direction. "We see many
a pale-faced mourner whose quiet mourning-dress tells
the story of bereavement without giving us the pain-
ful feeling that crape is too thick, or bombazine too
heavy, for comfort. Exaggeration is to be deprecated
in mourning as in everything.
The discarding of mourning should be effected by
gradations. It shocks persons of good taste to see a
light-hearted young widow jump into colors, as if she
had been counting the hours. If black is to be dis-
pensed with, let its retirement be slowly and grace-
fully marked by quiet costumes, as the feeling of
grief, yielding to the kindly influence of time, is
shaded off into resignation and cheerfulness. We do
not forget our dead, but we mourn for them with a
feeling which no longer partakes of anguish.
Before a funeral the ladies of a family see no one
but the most intimate friends. The gentlemen, of
course, must see the clergyman and officials who
manage the ceremony. It is now the almost universal
practice to carry the remains to a church, where the
friends of the family can pay the last tribute of re-
spect without crowding into a private house. Pall-
bearers are invited by note, and assemble at the house
of the deceased, accompanying the remains, after the
ceremonies at the church, to their final resting-place.
The nearest lady friends seldom go to the church or
to the grave. This is, however, entirely a matter of
feeling, and they can go if they wish. After the fu-
neral only the members of the family return to the
house, and it is not expected that a bereaved wife or
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134 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
mother will see any one other than the members of
her family for several weeks.
The preparations for a funeral in the house are com-
mitted to the care of an undertaker, who removes the
furniture from the drawing-room, filling all the space
possible with camp-stools. The clergyman reads the
service at the head of the coffin, the relatives being
grouped around. The body, if not disfigured by dis-
ease, is often dressed in the clothes worn in life, and
laid in an open casket, as if reposing on a sofa, and all
friends are asked to take a last look. It is, however,
a somewhat ghastly proceeding to try to make the
dead look like the living. The body of a man is usu-
ally dressed in black. A young boy is laid out in his
every-day clothes, but surely the young of both sexes
look more fitly clad in the white cashmere robe.
The custom of decorating the coffin with flowers
is a beautiful one, but has been, in large cities,
so overdone, and so purely a matter of money, that
now the request is generally made that no flowers
be sent.
In England a lady of the court wears, for her par-
ent, crape and bombazine (or its equivalent in any
lustreless cloth) for three months. She goes nowhere
during that period. After that she wears lustreless
silks, trimmed with crape- and jet, and goes to court
if commanded. She can also go to concerts without
violating etiquette, or to family weddings. After
six months she again reduces her mourning to black
and white, and can attend the ^^drawing-room" or
go to small dinners. For a husband the time is ex-
actly doubled, but in neither case should the widow
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ETIQUETTE OF MOUBNINa. 136
be seen at a ball, a theatre, or an opera until after one
year has elapsed.
In this country no person in mourning for a parent,
a child, a brother, or a husband, is expected to be seen
at a concert, a dinner, a party, or at any other place of
public amusement, before three months have passed.
After that one may be seen at a concert. But to go
to the opera, or a dinner, or a party, before six months
have elapsed, is considered heartless and disrespectful.
Indeed, a deep mourning-dress at such a place is an
unpleasant anomaly. If one choose, as many do, not
to wear mourning, then they can go unchallenged to
any place of amusement, for they have asserted their
right to be independent ; but if they put on i^ourning
they must respect its etiquette. By many who sor-
row deeply, and who regard the crape and solemn
dress as a mark of respect to the dead, it is deemed
almost a sin for a woman to go into the street, to
drive, or to walk, for two years, without a deep crape
veil over her face. It is a common remark of the
censorious that a person who lightens her mourning
before that time "did not care much for the deceased;"
and many people hold the fact that a widow or an or-
phan wears her crape for two years to be greatly to
her credit.
Of course, no one can say that a woman should not
wear mourning all her life if she choose, but it is a
serious question whether in so doing she does not in-
jure the welfare and happiness of the living. Chil-
dren, as we have said, are often strangely affected by
this shrouding of their mothers, and men always dis-
like it.
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136 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
Common - sense and common decency, however,
should restrain the frivolous from engaging much in
the amusements and gayeties of life before six months
have passed after the death of any near friend. If
they pretend to wear black at all, they cannot be
too scrupulous in respecting the restraint which it
imposes.
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DIFFICULTIES OF EXPRESSION. 137
CHAPTER XIV.
LETTERS OF CONDOLENCE.
Probably no branch of the epistolary art has ever
given to friendly hearts so much perplexity as that
which has to do with writing to friends in affliction.
It is delightful to sit down and wish anybody joy; to
overflow with congratulatory phrases over a favorable
bit of news; to say how glad you are that your friend
is engaged or married, or has inherited a fortune, has
written a successful book, or has painted an immortal
picture. Joy opens the closet of language^ and the
gems of expression are easily found; but the fountain
of feeling being chilled by the uncongenial atmosphere
of grief, by the sudden horror of death, or the more
terrible breath of dishonor or shame, or even by the
cold blast of undeserved misfortune, leaves the in-
dividual sympathizer in a mood of perplexity and of
sadness which is of itself a most discouraging framo
of mind for the inditing of a letter.
And yet we sympathize with our friend : we desire
to tell him so. We want to say, " My friend, your
grief is my grief ; nothing can hurt you that does not
hurt me. I cannot, of course, enter into all your feel-
ings, but to stand by and see you hurt, and remain
unmoved myself, is impossible." All this we wish to
say; but how shall we say it that our words may not
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138 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
hurt him a great deal more than he is hurt already?
How shall we lay our hand so tenderly on that sore
spot that we may not inflict a fresh wound? How
can we say to a mother who bends over a fresh grave,
that we regret the loss she has sustained in the death
of her child ? Can language measure the depth, the
height, the immensity, the bitterness of that grief ?
What shall we say that is not trite and commonplace
— even unfeeling ? Shall we be pagan, and say that
" whom the gods love die young," or Christian, and
remark that " God does not willingly afflict the chil-
dren of men?" She has thought of that, she has
heard it, alas! often before — but too often, as she
thinks now.
Shall we tell her what she has lost — ^how good, how
loving, how brave, how admirable was the spirit
which has just left the flesh ? Alas ! how well she
knows that ! How her tears well up as she remembers
the silent fortitude, the heroic patience under the
pain that was to kill ! Shall we quote ancient phi-
losophers and modem poets? They have all dwelt
at greater or less length upon death and the grave.
Or shall we say, in simple and unpremeditated words,
the thoughts which fill our own minds ?
The person who has to write this letter may be a
ready writer, who finds fit expression at the point
of his pen, and who overflows with the language of
consolation — such a one needs no advice ; but to
the hundreds who do need help we would say that
the simplest expressions are the best. A distant
friend, upon one of these occasions, wrote a letter
as brief as brief might be, but of its kind altogether
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INFELICITOUS SYMPATHY. 139
perfect. It ran thus : " I have heard of your great
grief, and I send you a simple pressure of the hand."
Coming from a gay and volatile person, it had for
the mourner great consolation; pious quotations,
and even the commonplaces of condolence, would
have seemed forced. Undoubtedly those persons
do us great good, or they wish to, who tell us to
be resigned — that we have deserved this affliction;
that we suffer now, but that our present sufferings
are nothing to what our future sufferings shall be ;
that we are only entering the portals of agony, and
that every day will reveal to us the magnitude of
our loss. Such is the formula which certain persons
use, under the title of "letters of condolence." It
is the wine mixed with gall which they gave our
Lord to drink; and as He refused it, so may we.
There are, no doubt, persons of a gloomy and a re-
ligious temperament combined who delight in such
phrases ; who quote the least consolatory of the
texts of Scripture ; who roll our grief as a sweet
morsel under their tongues ; who really envy the po-
sition of chief mourner as one of great dignity and
considerable consequence; who consider crape and
bombazine as a sort of royal mantle conferring dis-
tinction. There are many such people in the world.
Dickens and Anthony Trollope have put them into
novels — solemn and ridiculous Malvolios; they exist
in nature, in literature, and in art. It adds a new
terror to death when we reflect that such persons will
not fail to make it the occasion of letter-writing.
But those who write to us strongly and cheerfully,
who do not dwell so much on our grief as on our
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remaining duties — they are the people who help us.
To advise a mourner to go out into the sun, to resume
his work, to help the poor, and, above all, to carry on
the efforts, to emulate the virtues of the deceased —
this is comfort. It is a very dear and consoling thing
to a bereaved friend to hear the excellence of the de-
parted extolled, to read and re-read all of the precious
testimony which is borne by outsiders to the saintly
life ended — and there are few so hard-hearted as not to
find something good to say of the dead : it is the im-
pulse of human nature ; it underlies all our philosophy
and our religion ; it is the " stretching out of a hand,"
and it comforts the afflicted. But what shall we say
to those on whom disgrace has laid its heavy, defiling
hand? Is it well to write to them at all? Shall
we not be mistaken for those who prowl like jackals
round a grave, and will not our motives be misun-
derstood ? Is not sympathy sometimes malice in dis-
guise ? Does not the phrase " I am so sorry for you !"
sometimes sound like "I am so glad for myself?"
Undoubtedly it does ; but a sincere friend should not
be restrained, through fear that his motive may be
mistaken, from saying that he wishes to bear some
part of the burden. Let him show that the unhappy
man is in his thoughts, that he would like to help,
that he would be glad to see him, or take him out,
or send him a book, or at least write him a letter.
Such a wish as this will hurt no one.
Philosophy — some quaint and dry bit of old Seneca,
or modern Rochefoucauld — has often helped a strug-
gling heart when disgrace, deserved or undeserved,
has placed the soul in gyves of iron.
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THE "via FELICE." 141
Sympathetic persons, of narrow minds and imper-
fect education, often have the gift of being able to say-
most consolatory things. Irish servants, for instance,
rarely hurt the feelings of a mourner. They burst out
in the language of Nature, and, if it is sometimes gro-
tesque, it is almost always comforting. It is the edu-
cated and conscientious person who finds the writing
of a letter of condolence difficult.
Perhaps much of our dread of death is the result of
a false education, and the wearing of black may after
all be a mistake. At the moment when we need bright
colors, fresh flowers, sunshine, and beauty, we hide
ourselves behind crape veils and make our garments
heavy with ashes ; but as it is conventional it is in
one way a protection, and is therefore proper. No
one feels like varying the expressions of a grief
which has the Anglo-Saxon seriousness in it, the
Scandinavian melancholy of a people from whom
Nature hides herself behind a curtain of night. To ,
the sunny and graceful Greek the road of the dead
was the Via Felice ; it was the happy way, the gate
of flowers ; the tombs were furnished as the houses
were, with images of the beloved, and the veriest tri-
fles which the deceased had loved. One wonders, as
the tomb of a child is opened on the road out of
Tanagra, near Athens, and the toys and hobby-horse
and little shoes are found therein, if, after all, that
father and mother were not wiser than we who, like
Constance, "stuff out his vacant garments with his
form." Is there not something quite unenlightened
in the persistence with which we connect death with
gloom ?
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Our correspondents often ask us when a letter of
condolence should "be written? As soon as possible.
Do not be afraid to intrude on any grief. It is gen-
erally a welcome distraction, to even the most mor-
bid mourner, to read a letter ; and those who are so
stunned by grief as not to be able to write or to read
will always have some willing soul near them who
will read and answer for them.
The afflicted, however, should never be expected
to answer letters. They can and should receive the
kindest and the most prompt that their friends can
indite. Often a phrase on which the writer has built
no hope may be the airy bridge over which the sorrow-
ing soul returns slowly and blindly to peace and resig-
nation. Who would miss the chance, be it one in ten
thousand, of building such a bridge ? Those who have
suffered and been strong, those whom we love and re-
spect, those who have the honest faith in human nature
which enables them to read aright the riddle of this
strange world, those who by faith walk over burning
ploughshares and dread no evil, those are the people
who write the best letters of condolence. They do not
dwell on our grief, or exaggerate it, although they are
evidently writing to us with a lump in the throat and
a tear in the eye — they do not say so, but we feel it.
They tell us of the certain influence of time, which
will change our present grief into our future joy.
They say a few beautiful words of the friend whom
we have lost, recount their own loss in him in a few
fitting words of earnest sympathy which may carry
consolation, if only by the wish of the writer. They
beg of us to be patient. God has brought life and im-
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herder's dying words. 143
mortality to light through death, and to those whom
"he has thought worthy to endure," this thought may
ever form the basis of a letter of condolence.
"Give me," said the dying Herder, "a great
thought, that I may console myself with that." It is
a present of no mean value, a great thought; and if
every letter of condolence could bear with it one
broad phrase of honest sympathy it would be a blessed
instrumentality for carrying patience and resignation,
peace and comfort, into those dark places where the
sufferer is eating his heart out with grief, or where
Rachel " weeps for her children, and will not be com-
forted, because they are not."
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144 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
CHAPTER XV.
CHAPEEONS AND THEIR DUTIES.
It is strange that the Americans, so prone to imitate
British customs, have been slow to adopt that law of
English society which pronounces a chaperon an indis-
pensable adjunct of every unmarried young woman.
The readers of " Little Dorrit " will recall the ex-
ceedingly witty sketch of Mrs. General, who taught
her young ladies to form their mouths into a lady-like
pattern by saying " papa, potatoes, prunes, and prism."
Dickens knew very little of society, and cared very
little for its laws, and his ladies and gentlemen were
pronounced in England to be as great failures as his
Little Nells and Dick Swivellers were successes; but
he recognized the universality of chaperons. His
portrait of Mrs. General (the first luxury which Mr.
Dorrit allowed himself after inheriting his fortune)
shows how universal is the necessity of a chaperon in
English society, and on the Continent, to the proper
introduction of young ladies, and how entirely their
" style " depends upon their chaperon. Of course Dick-
ens made her funny, of course he made her ridiculous,
but he put her there. An American novelist would
not have thought it worth mentioning, nor would an
American papa with two motherless daughters have
thought it necessary, if he travelled with them, to
have a chaperon for his daughters.
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THE AMEBICAN MAMMA. 145
Of course, a mother is the natural chaperon of her
daughters, and if she understand her duties and the
usages of society there is nothing further to be said.
But the trouble is that many American mothers are
exceedingly careless on this point. We need not
point to the wonderful Mrs. Miller — Daisy's mother —
in Henry James, Jr.'s. photograph of a large class of
American matrons — a woman who loved her daugh-
ter, knew how to take care of her when she was ill,
but did not know in the least how to take care of her
when she was well; who allowed her to go about with
young men alone, to " get engaged," if so she pleased,
and who, arriving at a party after her daughter had
appeared, rather apologized for coming at all. All
this is notoriously true, and comes of our crude civ-
ilization. It is the transition state. Until we learn
better, we must expect to be laughed at on the Pin-
cian Hill, and we must expect English novelists to
paint pictures of us which we resent, and French
dramatists to write plays in which we see ourselves
held up as savages.
Europeans have been in the habit of taking care of
young girls, as if they were the precious porcelain
of human clay. . The American mamma treats her
beautiful daughter as if she were a very common
piece of delft indeed, and as if she could drift down
the stream of life, knocking all other vessels to pieces,
but escaping injury to herself.
Owing to the very remarkable and strong sense of
propriety which American women innately possess —
their truly healthy love of virtue, the absence of any
morbid suspicion of wrong — this rule has worked bet-
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146 MANXEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
ter than any one would have dared hope. Owing,
also, to the exceptionally respectful and chivalrous
nature of American men, it has been possible for a
young lady to travel unattended from Maine to Geor-
gia, or anywhere within the new geographical limits
of our social growth. Mr. Howells founded a romance
upon this principle, that American women do not need
a chaperon. Yet we must remember that all the
black sheep are not killed yet, and we must also re-
member that propriety must be more attended to as
we cease to be a young and primitive nation, and as
we enter the lists of the rich, cultivated, luxurious
people of the earth.
Little as we may care for the opinion of foreigners
we do not wish our young ladies to appear in their
eyes in a false attitude, and one of the first necessities
of a proper attitude, one of the first demands of a
polished society, is the presence of a chaperon. She
should be a lady old enough to be the mother of her
charge, and of unexceptionable manner. She must
know society thoroughly herself, and respect its laws.
She should be above the suspicion of reproach in
character, and devoted to her work. In England there
are hundreds of widows of half -pay officers — well-born,
well-trained, well-educated women — who can be hired
for money, as was Mrs. General, to play this part.
There is no such class in America, but there is al-
most always a lady who will gladly perform the task of
chaperoning motherless girls without remuneration.
It is not considered proper in England for a wid-
owed father to place an unmarried daughter at the
head of his house without the companionship of a
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THE DIFFICULTIES OP A CHAPERON. 147
resident chaperon, and there are grave objections to its
being done here. We have all known instances where
such liberty has been very bad for young girls, and
where it has led to great scandals which the presence
of a chaperon would have averted.
The duties of a chaperon are very hard and unre-
mittingj and sometimes very disagreeable. She must
accompany her young lady everywhere ; she must sit
in the parlor when she receives gentlemen ; she must
go with her to the skating-rink, the ball, the party, the
races, the dinners, and especially to theatre parties ; she
must preside at the table, and act the part of a mother,
so far as she can ; she must watch the characters of
the men who approach her charge, and endeavor to
save the inexperienced girl from the dangers of a bad
marriage, if possible. To perform this feat, and not to
degenerate into a Spanish duenna, a dragon, or a Mrs.
General — who was simply a fool — is a very difficult
task.
No doubt a vivacious American girl, with all her in-
herited hatred of authority, is a troublesome charge. All
young people are rebels. They dislike being watched
and guarded. They have no idea what Hesperidean
fruit they are, and they object to the dragon decidedly.
But a wise, well-tempered woman can manage the
situation. If she have tact, a chaperon will add very
much to the happiness of her young charge. She will
see that the proper men are introduced ; that her young
lady is provided with a partner for the german ; that
she is asked to nice places; that she goes well dressed
and properly accompanied ; that she gives the return
ball herself in handsome style.
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148 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
"I owe," said a wealthy widower in New York,
whose daughters all made remarkably happy mar-
riages — "I owe all their happiness to Mrs. Constant,
whom I was so fortunate as to secure as their chaperon.
She knew society (which I did not), as if it were in
her pocket. She knew exactly what girls ought to
do, and she was so agreeable herself that they never
disliked having her with them. She was very rigid,
too, and would not let them stay late at balls; but
they loved and respected her so much that they never
rebelled, and now they love her as if she were really
their mother."
A woman of elegant manners and of charming char-
acter, who will submit to the slavery — for it is little
less — of being a chaperon, is hard to find ; yet every
motherless family should try to secure such a person.
In travelling in Europe, an accomplished chaperon
can do more for young girls than any amount of fort-
une. She has the thing they want — ^that is, knowledge.
With her they can go everywhere — to picture-galler-
ies, theatres, public and private balls, and into society,
if they wish it. It is "etiquette" to have a chaperon,
and it is the greatest violation of it not to have one.
If a woman is protected by the armor of work, she
can dispense with a chaperon. The young artist goes
about her copying unquestioned, but in society, with
its different laws, she must be under the care of an
older woman than herself.
A chaperon is indispensable to an engaged girl.
The mother, or some lady friend, should always ac-
company a young Jiancie on her journeys to the vari-
ous places of amusement and to the watering-places.
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AN INTELLIGENT CHAPERON. 149
Nothing is more vulgar in the eyes of our modem
society than for an engaged couple to travel together
or to go to the theatre unaccompanied, as was the
primitive custom. This will, we know, shock many
Americans, and be called a " foolish following of for-
eign fashions." But it is true ; and, if it were only
for the "looks of the thing," it is more decent, more
elegant, and more correct for the young couple to
be accompanied by a chaperon until married. Soci-
ety allows an engaged girl to drive with her fianci
in an open carriage, but it does not approve of his
taking her in a close carriage to an evening party.
There are non-resident chaperons who are most pop-
ular and most useful. Thus, one mamma or elderly
lady may chaperon a number of young ladies to a din-
ner, or a drive on a coach, a sail down the bay, or a
ball at West Point. Thi^ lady looks after all her
young charges, and attends to their propriety and
their happiness. She is the guardian angel, for the
moment, of their conduct. It is a care which young
men always admire and respect — this of a kind, well-
bred chaperon, who does not allow the youthful spirits
of her charges to run away with them.
The chaperon, if an intelligent woman, and with the
sort of social talent which a chaperon ought to have,
is the best friend of a family of shy girls. She brings
them forward, and places them in a position in which
they can enjoy society ; for there is a great deal of
tact required in a large city to make a retiring girl
enjoy herself. Society demands a certain amount of
handling, which only the social expert understands.
To this the chaperon should be equal. There are some
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150 HANNEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
women who have a social talent which is simply Na-
poleonic. They manage it as a great general does his
corps de bataille.
Again, there are bad chaperons- A flirtatious mar-
ried woman who is thinking of herself only, and who
takes young girls about merely to enable herself to
lead a gay life (and the world is full of such women), is
worae than no chaperon at all. She is not a protection
to the young lady, and she disgusts the honorable
men who would like to approach her charge. A very
young chaperon, bent on pleasure, who undertakes to
make respectable the coaching party, but who has
no dignity of character to impress upon it, is a very
poor one. Many of the most flagrant violations of
propriety, in what is called the fashionable set, have
arisen from this choice of young chaperons, which is
a mere begging of the question, and no chaperonage
at all.
Too much champagne is drunk, too late hours are
kept, silly stories are circulated, and appearances are
disregarded by these gay girls and their young chap-
erons ; and yet they dislike very much to see them-
selves afterwards held up to ridicule in the pages
of a magazine by an Englishman, whose every sen-
timent of propriety, both educated and innate, has
been shocked by their conduct.
A young Frenchman who visited America a few
years ago formed the worst judgment of American
women because he met one alone at an artist's studio.
He misinterpreted the profoundly sacred and correc-
tive influences of art. It had not occurred to the
lady that if she went to see a picture she would be
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AN INJUDICIOUS CHOICE. 151
suspected of wishing to see the artist. Still, the
fact that such a mistake could be made should render
ladies careful of even the appearance of evil.
A chaperon should in her turn remember that she
must not open a letter. She must not exercise an un-
wise surveillance. She must not suspect her charge.
All that sort of Spanish espionage is always outwit-
ted. The most successful chaperons are those who
love their young charges, respect them, try to be in
every way what the mother would have been. Of
course, all relations of this sort are open to many
drawbacks on both sides, but it is not impossible that
it may be an agreeable relation, if both parties exer-
ciser a little tact.
In selecting a chaperon for a young charge, let par-
ents or guardians be very particular as to the past
history of the lady. If she has ever been talked about,
ever suffered the bad reputation of flirt or coquette,
do not think of placing her in that position. Clubs
have long memories, and the fate of more than one
youjjg heiress has been imperilled by an injudicious
choice of a chaperon. If any woman should have a
spotless record and admirable character it should be
the chaperon. It will tell against her charge if she
have not. Certain needy women who have been la-
dies, and who precariously attach to society through
their families, are always seeking for some young
heiress. These women are very poor chaperons, and
should be avoided.
This business of chaperonage is a point which de-
mands attention on the part of careless American
mothers. No mother should be oblivious of her duty
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152 haj^nebs and social usages.
in this respect. It does not imply that she doubts
her daughter's honor or truth, or that she thinks she
needs watching, but it is proper and respectable and
necessary that she should appear by her daughter's
side in society. The world is full of traps. It is im-
possible to be too careful of the reputation of a young
lady, and it improves the tone of society vastly if an
elegant and respectable woman of middle age accom-
panies every young party. It goes far to silence the
ceaseless clatter of gossip ; it is the antidote to scan-
dal ; it makes the air clearer ; and, above all, it im-
proves the character, the manners, and elevates the
minds of the young people who are so happy as to
enjoy the society and to feel the authority of a culti-
vated, wise, and good chaperon.
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QUESTION OF A MAID OF THIETY-FIYB. 153
CHAPTER XVI.
ETIQUETTE FOR ELDEELY GIRLS.
A BRISK correspondent writes to us that she finds
our restrictions as to the etiquette which single wom-
en should follow somewhat emban'assing. Being now
thirty-five, and at the head of her father's house, with
no intention of ever marrying, she asks if she re-
quires a chaperon ; if it is necessary that she should
observe the severe self-denial of not entering an ar-
tist's studio without a guardian angel ; if she must
never allow a gentleman to pay for her theatre tick-
ets ; if she must, in short, assume a matron's place in
the world, and never enjoy a matron's freedom.
From her letter we can but believe that this young
lady of thirty-five is a very attractive person, and
that she does "not look her age." Still, as she is at
the head of her father's house, etiquette does yield a
point and allows her to judge for herself as to the
proprieties which must bend to her. Of course with
/every year of a woman's life after twenty -five she
\ becomes less and less the subject of chaperonage.
For one thing, she is better able to judge of the
world and its temptations; in the second place, a
certain air which may not be less winning, but which
is certainly more mature, has replaced the wild grace
of a giddy girlhood. She has, with the assumption of
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154 MANNEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
years, taken on a dignity which, in its way, is fully
the compensation for some lost bloom. Many people
prefer it.
But we must say here that she is not yet, in Euro-
pean opinion, emancipated from that guardianship
which society dispenses with for the youngest widow.
She must have a " companion" if she is a rich woman;
and if she is a poor one she must join some party of
friends when she travels. She can travel abrojid with
her maid, but in Paris and other Continental cities a
woman still young-looking had better not do this.
She is not safe from insult nor from injurious suspi-
cion if she signs herself " Miss " Smith, and is with-
out her mother, an elderly friend, a companion, or
party.
In America a woman can go anywhere and do al-
most anything without fear of insult. But in Europe,
where the custom of chaperonage is so universal, she
must be more circumspect.
As to visiting an artist's studio alone, there is in
art itself an ennobling and purifying influence which
should be a protection. But we must not forget that
saucy book by Maurice Sand, in which its author says
that the first thing he observed in America was that
women (even respectable ones) went alone to artists'
studios. It would seem wiser, therefore, that a lady,
though thirty-five, should be attended in her visits to
studios by a friend or companion. This simple ex-
pedient " silences envious tongues," and avoids even
the remotest appearance of evil.
In the matter of paying for tickets, if a lady of
thirty-five wishes to allow a gentleman to pay for her
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OBUGATIONS A LADY SHOULD AVOID. 155
admission to picture-galleries and theatres she has an
indisputable right to do so. But we are not fighting
for a right, only defining a law of etiquette, when we
say that it is not generally allowed in the best so-
ciety, abroad or here. In the case of young girls it is
quite unallowable, but in the case of a lady of thirty-
five it may be permitted as a sort of camaraderie^ as
one college friend may pay for another. The point
is, however, a delicate one. Men, in the freedom of
their clubs, recount to each other the clever expedi-
ents which many women of society use to extort from
them boxes for the opera and suppers at Delmonico's.
A woman should remember that it may sometimes be
very inconvenient to young men who are invited by
her to go to concerts and theatres to pay for these
pleasures. Many a poor fellow who has become a de-
faulter has to thank for it the lady who first asked
him to take her to Delmonico's to supper. He was
ashamed to tell her that he was poor, and he stole that
he might not seem a churl.
Another phase of the subject is that a lady in per-
mitting a gentleman to expend money for her pleas-
ures assumes an obligation to him which time and
chance may render oppressive.
With an old friend, however, one whose claim
to friendship is well established, the conditions are
changed. In his case there can be no question of
obligation, and a woman may accept unhesitatingly
any of those small attentions and kindnesses which
friendly feeling may prompt him to offer to her.
Travelling alone with a gentleman escort was at
one time allowed in the West. A Kentucky woman
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156 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
of that historic period, " before the war," would not
have questioned the propriety of it, and a Western
man of to-day still has the desire to pay everything,
everywhere, " for a lady."
The increase in the population of the Western States
and the growth of a wealthy and fashionable society
in the large towns have greatly modified this spirit
of unwise chivalry, and such customs are passing away
even on the frontier. Mr. Howells's novel, " The Lady
of the Aroostook," has acquainted American readers
with the unkind criticism to which a young lady who
travels in Europe without a chaperon is subjected, and
we believe that there are few mammas who would
desire to see their daughters in the position of Miss
Lydia Blood.
"An old maid," as our correspondent playfully
calls herself, may do almost anything without viola-
ting etiquette, if she consents to become a chaperon,
and takes with her a younger person. Thus an aunt
and niece can travel far and wide ; the position of an
elder sister is always dignified; the youthful head of
a house has a right to assert herself — she must do it
— therefore etiquette bows to her (as "nice customs
courtesy to great kings"). There is very much in the
appearance of a woman. It is a part of the injustice
of nature that some people look coquettish who are not
so. Bad taste in dress, a high color, a natural flow of
spirits, or a loud laugh have often caused a very good
woman to be misinterpreted. Such a woman should
be able to sit in judgment upon herself ; and remem-
bering that in a great city, at a crowded theatre, or
at a watering-place, judgments must be hasty and su-
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UNBECOMING DEPOETMBNT. 157
perficial, she should tone down her natural exuber-
ance, and take with her a female companion who is
of a different type from herself. Calm and cold
Puritanical people may not be more respectable than
the fresh-colored and laughing "old maids" of thir-
ty-five, but they look more so, and in this world
women must consult appearances. An elderly girl
must even think how she looks. A woman who at a
watering-place dresses conspicuously, wears 21. peignoir
to breakfast, dyes her hair, or looks as if she did, ties
a white blond veil over her locks and sits on a hotel
piazza, showing her feet, may be the best, the most
cultivated woman in the house, but a superficial ob-
server will not think so. In the mind of every pass-
er-by will lurk the feeling that she lacks the first
grace of womanhood, modesty — and in the criticism
of a crowd there is strength. A man passing such
a person, and contrasting her with modestly dressed
and unobtrusive ladies, would naturally form an un-
favorable opinion of her; and were she alone, and
her name entered on the books of the house as "Miss"
Smith, he would not be too severe if he thought her
decidedly eccentric, and certainly "bad style." If,
however, "Miss" Smith were very plain and quiet,
and dressed simply and in good taste, or if she sat on
the sands looking at the sea, or attended an invalid
or a younger friend, then Miss Smith might be as in-
dependent as she pleased: she would suffer from no
injurious comments. Even the foreigner, who does
Hot believe in the eccentricities of the English mees^
would have no word to say against her. A good-look-
ing elderly girl might say, "There is, then, a premium
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158 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
on Ugliness;" but that we do not mean. Handsome
women can conduct themselves so well that the breath
of reproach need not and does not touch them, and
ugly women may and do sometimes gain an unde-
served reproach.
There are some people who are born with whtit
we call, for want of a better name, a pinchbeck air.
Their jewellery never looks like real gold; their man-
ner is always bad ; they have the faux air of fashion,
not the real one. Such people, especially if single,
receive many a snub which they do not deserve, and
to a woman of this style a companion is almost nec-
essary. Fortunately there are almost always two
women who can join forces in travelling or in liv-
ing together, and the independence of such a couple is
delightful. We have repeated testimony in English
literature of the pleasant lives of the Ladies of Llan-
gollen, of the lives of Miss Jewsbury and Lady Mor-
gan, and of the model sisters Berry. In our own
country we have almost abolished the idea that a com-
panion is necessary for women of talent who are phy-
sicians or artists or musicians ; but to those who are
still in the trammels of private life we can say that
the presence of a companion need not destroy their
liberty, and it may add very much to their respecta-
bility and happiness. There is, no doubt, a great
pleasure in the added freedom of life which comes
to an elderly girl. " I can wear a velvet dress now,"
said an exceedingly handsome woman on her thir-
tieth birthday. In England an unmarried woman of
fifty is called "iWr^.," if she prefers that title. So
many delightful women are late in loving, so many
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OBSERVATION IN BBGARD TO OLD MAIDS. 159
are true to some buried love, so many are "elderly-
girls " from choice, and from no neglect of the strong-
er sex, that to them should be accorded all the respect
which is supposed to accrue naturally to the married.
" It takes a very superior woman to be an old maid,"
said Miss Sedgwick.
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160 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
CHAPTER XVII.
new-teab's calls.
" Le jour de I'an," as the French call the first day
of January, is indeed the principal day of the year
to those who still keep up the custom of calling and
receiving calls. But in New York it is a custom
which is in danger of falling into desuetude, owing
to the size of the city and the growth of its popu-
lation. There are, however, other towns and " much
country " (as the Indians say) outside of New York,
and there are still hospitable boards at which the hap-
py and the light-hearted, the gay and the thoughtful,
may meet and exchange wishes for a happy New-
Year.
To those who receive calls we would say that it is
well, if possible, to have every arrangement made two
or three days before New- Year's, as the visiting be-
gins early — sometimes at eleven o'clock — if the caller
means to make a goodly day. A lady should have her
hair dressed for the day when she rises, and if her
dress be not too elaborate she should put it on then,
so that she may be in the drawing-room when the
first visitor arrives. In regard to the question of dress,
we should say that for elderly ladies black satin or
velvet, or any of the combination dresses so fashiona-
ble now, with handsome lace, and Swedish gloves of
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pearl or tan color (not white kids; these are decidedly-
rococo, and not in fashion), would be appropriate. A
black satin, well made, and trimmed with beaded pas-
sementerie, is perhaps the handsomest dress that could
be worn by any one. Brocaded silk, plain gros grain,
anything that a lady would wear at the wedding re-
ception of her daughter is suitable, although a plain
dress is in better taste.
For young ladies nothing is so pretty as a dress of
light cashmere and silk, cut high at the throat. These
dresses, in the very pretty tints worn now, are ex-
tremely becoming, warm-looking, and appropriate for
a reception, when the door is being often opened.
White dresses of thick silk or cashmere, trimmed
around the neck with lace, are also very elegant. In
all countries young married women are allowed to be
as magnificent as a picture of Marie de Medici, and
can wear on New- Year's day rose -colored and white
brocaded silks, with pearl trimmings, or plain ciel
blue, or prawn-colored silk over white, or embossed
velvet, or what they please, so that the dress is cut
high, and has sleeves to the elbow. Each lady should
have near her an ermine cloak, or a small camel's-hair
shawl in case of draughts. It is not good taste to
wear low-necked or sleeveless dresses during the day-
time. They are worn by brides on their wedding-day
sometimes, but at receptions or on New- Year's day
scarcely ever.
While much magnificence is permissible, still a plain
black or dark silk dress, if well made, with fresh ruf-
fles at neck and wrists, is quite as proper as anything
else, and men generally admii*e it more. But where a
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162 MANNEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
lady has several daughters to receive with her, she
should study the effect of her rooms, and dress the
young ladies in prettily contrasting colors. This may
be cheaply done by using the soft, fine merinoes,
which are to be had in all the delicate and fashion-
able shades. Short dresses of this material are much
used ; but now that imported dresses are so easily ob-
tained, a mother with many daughters to dress cannot
do better than buy costumes similar to those worn by
economical French ladies on their jour de ran. One
article of dress is de rigeur. With whatever style of
costume gloves must be worn.
A lady who expects to have many calls, and who
wishes to offer refreshments, should have hot tea and
coffee and a bowl of punch on a convenient table; or,
better still, a silver kettle filled with bouillon standing
in the hall, so that a gentleman coming in or going
out can take a cup of it unsolicited. If she lives in
an English basement house, this table can be in the
lower dining-room. In a house three rooms deep the
table and all the refreshments can be in the usual
dining-room or in the upper back parlor. Of course,
her " grand spread" can be as gorgeous as she pleases.
Hot oysters, salads, boned turkey, quail, and hot terra-
pin, with wines ad lihitwn, are offered by the wealthy;
but this is a difficult table to keep in order when ten
men call at one o'clock, and forty at four, and none
between. The best table is one which is furnished
with boned turkey, jellied tongues, and pdteSy sand-
wiches, and similar dishes, with cake and fruit as dec-
orative additions. The modern and admirable adjunct
of a spirit-lamp under a teakettle keeps the bouillon.
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COUBTESIES TO VI8IT0ES. 163
tea, and coffee always hot, and these, with the teacups
necessary to serve them, should be on a small table
at one side. A maid-servant, neatly dressed, should
be in constant attendance on this table, and a man-
servant or two will be needed to attend the door and
to wait at table.
The man at the door should have a silver tray or
card-basket in which to receive the cards of visitors.
If a gentleman is not known to the lady of the house,
he sends in his card ; otherwise he leaves it with the
waiter, who deposits it in some receptacle where it
should be kept until the lady has leisure to examine
the cards of all her guests. If a gentleman is calling
on a young lady, and is not known to the hostess, he
sends in his card to the former, who presents him to
the hostess and to all the ladies present. If the room
is full, an introduction to the hostess only is neces-
sary. If the room is comparatively empty, it is much
kinder to present a gentleman to each lady, as it tends
to make conversation general. As a guest is about
to depart, he should be invited to take some refresh-
ment, and be conducted towards the dining-room for
that purpose. This hospitality should never be urged,
as man is a creature who dines, and is seldom willing
to allow a luncheon to spoil a dinner. In a country
neighborhood, however, or after a long walk, a visitor
is almost always glad to break his fast and enjoy a
pickled oyster, a sandwich, or a cup of bouillon.
The etiquette of New- Year's day commands, per-
emptorily, that a gentleman shall not be asked to take
off his overcoat nor to be relieved of his hat. He will
probably prefer to wear his overcoat, and to carry his
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164 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
hat in his hand during his brief visit. If he wishes to
dispose of either, he will do so in the hall ; but on that
point he is a free moral agent, and it is not a part of
the duty of a hostess to suggest what he shall do with
his clothes.
Many letters come to us asking "What subjects
should be talked about during a New-Year's call."
Alas ! we can only suggest the weather and the good
wishes appropriate to the season. The convensation
is apt to be fragmentary. One good mot was evolved
a few years ago, when roads were snowy and ways
were foul. A gentleman complained of the mud and
the dirty streets. " Yes," said the lady, " but it is
very bright overhead." " I am not going that way,"
replied the gentleman.
A gentleman should not be urged to stay when he
calls. He has generally but five minutes in which to
express a desire that old and pleasant memories shall
be continued, that new and cordial friendships shall
be fonned, and after that compliment, which every
well-bred man pays a lady, "How remarkably well
you are looking to-day !" he wishes to be off.
In France it is the custom for a gentleman to wear
a dress-coat when calling on a great public function-
ary on New- Year's day, but it is not so in America.
Here he should wear the dress in which he would
make an ordinary morning visit. When he enters a
room he should not remove his gloves, nor should he
say, as he greets his hostess, " Excuse my glove." He
should take her gloved hand in his and give it a
cordial pressure, according to our pleasant American
fashion. When leaving, the ceremony is very brief —
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DECLINE OF AN OLD CUSTOM. 165
simply, "Good -morning," or "Good -evening," as the
case may be.
It is proper for gentlemen to call late in the evening
of New- Year's day, and calls are made during the en-
suing evenings by people who are otherwise occupied
in the daytime. If the family are at dinner, or the
lady is fatigued with the day's duties, the servant
must say at the door that Mrs. desires to be ex-
cused. He must not present the card to her, and thus
oblige her to send to her visitor a message which
might be taken as a personal affront. But she must
have the servant instructed to refuse all at certain
hours ; then none can be offended.
Many ladies in New York are no longer "at home"
on New- Year's day ; and when this is the case a bas-
ket is tied at the door to receive cards. They do this
because so many gentlemen have given up the custom
of calling that it seems to be dying out, and all their
preparations for a reception become a hollow mockery.
How many weary women have sat with novel in hand
and luncheon-table spread, waiting for the callers who
did not come ! The practice of sending cards to gen-
tlemen, stating that a lady would be at home on New-
Year's day, has also very much gone out of fashion,
owing to the fact that gentlemen frequently did not
respond to them.
It is, however, proper that a married lady return-
ing to her home after a long absence in Europe, or
one who has changed her residence, or who is liv-
ing at a hotel or boarding-house (or who is visiting
friends), should send her card to those gentlemen
whom she wishes to receive. It must be remembered
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166 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
that many gentlemen, generally those no longer young,
still like very much the fashion of visiting on New-
Year's day, and go to see as many people as they can
in a brief winter's sunshine. These gentlemen deplore
the basket at the door, and the decadence of the old
custom in New York. Family friends and old friends,
those whom they never see at any other time, are to
be seen — or they should be seen, so these old friends
think — on New-Year's day.
A personal call is more agreeable than a card. Let
a gentleman call, and in person, or take no notice
of the day. So say the most trustworthy authori-
ties, and their opinion has an excellent foundation of
common-sense.
Could we only go back to the old Dutch town
where the custom started, where all animosities were
healed, all offences forgotten, on New- Year's day,
when the good Dutch housewives made their own
cakes and spiced the loving-cup, when all the women
stayed at home to receive and all the men called,
what a different New- Year's day we should enjoy in
New York. Nowadays, two or three visitors arrive
before the hostess is ready to receive them ; then one
comes after she has appeared, vanishes, and she re-
mains alone for two hours ; then forty come. She
remembers none of their names, and has no rational
or profitable conversation with any of them.
But for the abusers of New- Year's day, the pretend-
ers who, with no right to call, come in under cover of
the general hospitality of the season — the bores, who
on this day, as on all days, are only tiresome — we have
no salve, no patent cure. A hostess must receive them
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ABUSE OP new-year's DAY. 16V
witli the utmost suavity, and be as amiable and agree-
able as possible.
New-Year's day is a very brilliant one at Washing-
ton. All the world calls on the President at twelve
o'clock ; the diplomats in full dress, officers of the
army and navy in full uniform, and the other people
grandly attired. Later, the heads of departments,
cabinet ministers, judges, etc., receive the lesser lights
of society.
In Paris the same etiquette is observed, and every
clerk calls on his chief.
In a small city or village etiquette manages itself,
and ladies have only to let it be known that they will
be at home, with hot coffee and oysters, to receive the
most agreeable kind of callers — those who come be-
cause they really wish to pay a visit, to express good-
will, and to ask for that expression of friendship
which our reserved Anglo-Saxon natures are so prone
to withhold.
In New York a few years ago the temperance peo-
ple made a great onslaught on ladies who invited
young men to drink on New- Year's day. It was said
to lead to much disorder and intemperance ; and so,
from fear of causing one's brother to sin, many have
banished the familiar punch - bowl. In a number of
well-known houses in New York no luncheon is of-
fered, and a cup of bouillon or coffee and a sandwich
is the usual refreshment in the richest and most stylish
houses. It will be seen, therefore, that it is a day of
largest liberty. There are no longer any sumptuary
laws ; but it is impossible to say why ladies of the
highest fashion in New York do not still make it a
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168 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
gala-day. The multiplicity of other entertainments,
the unseen yet all-powerful influence of fashion, these
things mould the world insensibly. Yet in a thousand
homes, thousands of cordial hands will be extended on
the great First of January, and to all of them we wish
a Happy New Year.
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IMPROPER APPLICATION OF THE WORD. 169
CHAPTER XVIII.
MATINEES AND SOIR:e:ES.
A matinSe in America means an afternoon per-
formance at the theatre of a play or opera. In
Europe it has a wider significance, any social gather-
ing before dinner in France being called a matinke^
as any party after dinner is called a soirie.
The improper application of another foreign word
was strikingly manifested in the old fashion of calling
the President's evening receptions levees. The term
" levee," as originally used, meant literally a king's
getting up. When he arose, and while he was dress-
ing, such of his courtiers as were privileged to ap-
proach him at this hour gathered in an anteroom —
waiting to assist at his toilet, to wish him good-
morning, or perhaps prefer a request. In time this
morning gathering grew to be an important court
ceremonial, and some one ignorant of the meaning of
the word named President Jackson's evening recep-
tions "the President's levees." So with the word
matin&e. First used to indicate a day reception at
court, it has now grown to mean a day performance
at a theatre. Sometimes a lady, bolder than her
neighbors, issues an invitation for "a mating dan-
sante,^^ or " a matinee musicale,^^ but this descriptive
style is not common.
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no MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
There are many advantages in a morning party. It
affords to ladies who do not go to evening receptions
the pleasure of meeting informally, and is also a
well-chosen occasion for introducing a new pianist
or singer.
For a busy woman of fashion nothing can be more
conveniently timed than a matinee, which begins at
two and ends at four or half past. It does not inter-
fere with a five-o'clock tea or a drive in the park, nor
unfit her for a dinner or an evening entertainment.
Two o'clock is also a very good hour for a large
and informal general lunch, if a lady wishes to avoid
the expense, formality, and trouble of a "sit-down"
lunch.
While the busy ladies can go to a matinke, the
busy gentleman cannot; and as men of leisure in
America are few, a morning entertainment at a thea-
tre or in society is almost always an assemblage of
women. To avoid this inequality of sex, many ladies
have their matinees on some one of the national holi-
days — Washington's Birthday, Thanksgiving, or Dec-
oration-day. On these occasions a mating, even in
busy New York, is well attended by gentlemen.
When, as sometimes happens, a prince, a duke, an
archbishop, an author of celebrity, a Tom Hughes, a
Lord Houghton, a Dean Stanley, or some descendant
of our French allies at Yorktown, comes on a visit
to our country, one of the most satisfactory forms of
entertainment that we can offer to him is a morning
reception. At an informal matinie we may bring to
meet him such authors, artists, clergymen, lawyers,
editors, statesmen, rich and public -spirited citizens,
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THE PRIMABY BUSINESS OF SOCIETY. 171
and beautiful and cultivated women of society, as we
may be fortunate enough to know.
The primary business of society is to bring together
the various elements of which it is made up — its
strongest motive should be to lighten up the momen-
tous business of life by an easy and friendly inter-
course and interchange of ideas.
Bnt if we hope to bring about us men of mind and
distinction, our object must be not only to be amused
but to amuse.
To persuade those elderly men who are maintaining
the great American name at its present high place in
the Pantheon of nations to spend a couple of hours
at a matin&e, we must offer some tempting bait as an
equivalent. A lady who entertained Dean Stanley
said that she particularly enjoyed her own matinke
given for him, because through his name she for the
first time induced the distinguished clergy of New
York to come to her house.
Such men are not tempted by the frivolities of a
fashionable social life that lives by its vanity, its
excitement, its rivalry and flirtation. Not that all
fashionable society is open to such reproach, but its
tendency is to lightness and emptiness ; and we rare-
ly find really valuable men who seek it. Therefore
a lady who would make her house attractive to the
best society must offer it something higher than
that to which we may give the generic title fashion.
Dress, music, . dancing, supper, are delightful acces-
saries — they are ornaments and stimulants, not req-
uisites. For a good society we need men and wom-
en who are " good company," as they say in England
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172 MANNSBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
— men and women who can talk. Nor is the advan-
tage all on one side. The free play of brain, taste,
and feeling is a most important refreshment to a
.man who works hard, whether in the pulpit or in
Wall Street, in the editorial chair or at the dull
grind of authorship. The painter should wash his
brushes and strive for some intercourse of abiding
value with those whose lives differ from his own.
The woman who works should also look upon the
divertissementa of society as needed recreation, fruit-
ful, may be, of the best culture.
On the other hand, no society is perfect without the
elements of beauty, grace, taste, refinement, and lux-
ury. We must bring all these varied potentialities
together if we would have a real and living social
life. For that brilliant thing that we call society is
a finely-woven fabric of threads of different sizes and
colors of contrasting shades. It is not intrigue, or
the display of wealth, or morbid excitement that
must bind together this social fabric, but sympathy,
that pleasant thing which refines and refreshes, and
"knits up the ravelled sleeve of care," and leaves
us strong for the battle of life.
And in no modem form of entertainment can we
better produce this finer atmosphere, this desirable
sympathy between the world of fashion and that of
thought, than by matin&eSy when given under fa-
vorable circumstances. To be sure, if we gave one
every day it would be necessary, as we have said, to
dispense with a large number of gentlemen; but the
occasional matinee is apt to catch some very good
specimens of the genics homo, and sometimes the best
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A SUBTLE QUESTION. 173
specimens. It is proper to offer a very substantial
buffet^ as people rarely lunch before two o'clock, and
will be glad of a bit of bird, a cup of bouillon, or a
leaf of salad. It is much better to offer such an en-
tertainment earlier than the five-o'clock tea, at which
hour people are saving their appetites for dinner.
A soiree is a far more difficult affair, and calls for
more subtle treatment. It should be, not a ball, but
what was formerly called an "evening party." It
need not exclude dancing, but dancing is not its ex-
cuse for being. It means a very bright conversazione^
or a reading, or a mrisicale, with pretty evening dress
(not necessarily ball dress), a supper, and early hours.
Such, at least, was its early significance abroad.
It has this advantage in New York, that it does
attract gentlemen. They like very much the easy-go-
ing, early-houred soiree. We mean, of course, those
gentlemen who no longer care for balls, and if aris-
tocracy is to be desired, "the rule of the best," at
American entertainments, all aspirants for social dis-
tinction should try to propitiate those men who are
being driven from the ballroom by the insolence and
pretension of the lower elements of fashionable soci-
ety. In Europe, the very qualities which make a man
great in the senate, the field, or the chamber of com-
merce, give him a coiTesponding eminence in the so-
cial world. Many a gray-mustached veteran in Paris
leads the german. A senator of France aspires to
appear well in the boudoir. With these men social
dexterity is a requisite to success, and is cultivated as
a duty. It is not so here, for the two great factors
of success in America, wealth and learning, do not
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174 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
always fit a man for society, and still less does soci-
ety adapt itself to them.
The soiricy if properly conducted, is an entertain-
ment to which can be brought the best elements of
our society — elderly, thoughtful, and educated men.
A lady should not, however, in the matter of dress,
confound a soirSe with a concert or reception. It is
the height of impropriety to wear a bonnet to the
former, as has been done in New York, to the ever-
lasting disgust of the hostess.
When a hostess takes the pains to issue an invita-
tion to a soiree a week or a fortnight before it is to
occur, she should be repaid by the careful dressing
and early arrival of her guests. It may be proper to
go to an evening reception in a bonnet, but never to
a 8oir^ or an evening party.
There is no doubt that wealth has become a power
in American society, and that we are in danger of feel-
ing that, if we have not wealth, we can give neither
mating nor soiries; but this is a mistake. Of course
the possession of wealth is most desirable. Money is
power, and when it is well earned it is a noble pow-
er; but it does not command all those advantages
which are the very essence of social intercourse. It
may pamper the appetite, but it does not always feed
the mind. There is still a comer left for those that
have but little money. A lady can give a mating
or a soirie in a small house with very little expendi-
ture of money; and if she has the inspiration of the
model entertainer, every one whom she honors with
an invitation will flock to her small and unpretending
manage. There are numbers of people in our large
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THE UNPEETENDING SOIBBE. 175
cities who can give great balls, dazzle the eye, confuse
and delight the senses, drown us in a sensuous lux-
ury ; but how few there are who, in a back street
and in a humble house, light that lamp by which the
Misses Berry summoned to their little parlor the clev-
erest and best people !
The elegant, the unpretentious, the quiet soiree to
which the woman of fashion shall welcome the littera-
teur and the artist, the aristocrat who is at the top
of the social tree and the millionaire who reached his
culmination yesterday, would seem to be that Ultima
Thule for which all people have been sighing ever
since society was first thought of. There are some
Americans who are so foolish as to affect the pride
of the hereditary aristocracies, and who have some
fancied traditional standard by which they think to
keep their blue blood pure. A good old grandfather
who had talent, or patriotism, or broad views of states-
manship, " who did the state some service," is a rela-
tion to be proud of, but his descendants should take
care to show, by some more personal excellence than
that of a social exclusiveness, their appreciation of his
honesty and ability. What our grandfathers were, a
thousand new-comers now are. They made their way
— the early American men — untrammelled by class
restraints ; they arrived at wealth and distinction and
social eminence by their own merits ; they toiled for
the money which buys for their grandsons purple and
fine linen. And could they see the pure and perfect
snob who now sometimes bears the name which they
left so unsullied, they would be exasperated and
ashamed. Of course, a certain exclusiveness must
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176 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
mark all our mating and soiries; they would fail of
the chief element of diversion if we invited every-
body. Let US, therefore, make sure of the aesthetic
and intellectual, the sympathetic and the genial, and
sift out the pretentious and the impure. The rogues,
the pretenders, the adventurers who push into the
penetralia of our social circles are many, and it is to
the exclusion of such that a hostess should devote
herself.
It is said that all women are born aristocrats, and
it is sometimes said in the same tone with which
the speaker afterwards adds that all women are born
fools. A woman, from her finer sense, enjoys luxury,
fine clothing, gorgeous houses, and all the refinements
that money can buy; but even the most idle and lux-
urious and foolish woman desires that higher luxury
which art and intelligence and delicate appreciation
can alone bring; the two are necessary to each other.
To a hostess the difficulty of entertaining in such a
manner as to unite in a perfect whole the financiers,
the philosophers, the cultivated foreigners, the people
of fashion, the sympathetic and the artistic is very
great ; but a hostess may bring about the most ge-
nial democracy at the modem matinee or soiree if she
manages properly.
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DINNER-TABLE OF TWENTY YEARS AGO. 177
CHAPTER XIX.
THE MODERN DINNER-TABLE.
The appointmeHts of the modem dinner-table strik-
ingly indicate that growth of luxury of which the
immediate past has been so fruitful. Up to twenty
years ago a dinner, even in the house of a merchant
prince, was a plain affair. There was a white table-
cloth of double damask ; there were large, handsome
napkins; there was a rich service of solid silver, and
perhaps some good china. Flowers, if used at all,
were not in profusion; and as for glasses, only a
few of plain white, or perhaps a green or a red one
for claret or hock, were placed at the side of the plate.
Of course there were variations and exceptions to
this rule, but they were few and far between. One
man, or often one maid-servant, waited at the table;
and, as a protection for the table-cloth, mats were
used, implying the fear that the dish brought from
the top of the kitchen-range, if set down, would leave
a spot or stain. All was on a simple or economical
plan. The grand dinners were served by caterers,
who sent their men to wait at them, which led to the
remark, often laughed at as showing English stupid-
ity, made by the Marquis of Hartington when he vis-
ited New York at the time of our war. As he looked
at old Peter Van Dyck and his colored assistants,
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178 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
whom he had seen at every house at which he had
dined, he remarked, "How much all your servants
resemble each other in America !" It was really an
unintentional sarcasm, but it might well have sug-
gested to our nouveaux riches the propriety of having
their own trained servants to do the work of their
houses instead of these outside men. A degree of
elegance which we have not as a nation even yet
attained is that of having a well -trained corps of
domestic servants.
A mistress of a house should be capable of teach-
ing her servants the method of laying a table and at-
tending it, if she has to take, as we commonly must,
the uneducated Irishman from his native bogs as a
house-servant. If she employs the accomplished and
well-recommended foreign' servant, he is too apt to
disarrange her establishment by disparaging the scale
on which it is conducted, and to engender a spirit of
discontent in her household. Servants of a very high
class, who can assume the entire management of af-
fairs, are only possible to people of great wealth, and
they become tyrants, and wholly detestable to the
master and mistress after a short slavery. One New
York butler lately refused to wash dishes, telling his
mistress that it would ruin his finger-nails. But this
man was a consummate servant, who laid the table and
attended it, with an ease and grace that gave his mis-
tress that pleasant feeling of certainty that all would
go well, which is the most comfortable of all feelings
to a hostess, and without which dinner-giving is an-
noyance beyond all words.
The arrangement of a dinner-table and the Waiting
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MODEBN DINNEB-TABLE. 179
upon it are the most important of all the duties of a
servant or servants, and any betrayal of ignorance,
any nervousness or noise, any accident, are to be de-
plored, showing as they do want of experience and
lack of training*
No one wishes to invite his friends to be uncom-
fortable. Those dreadful dinners which Thackeray de-
scribes, at which people with small incomes tried to
rival those of large means, will forever remain in
the minds of his readers as among the most painful
of all revelations of sham. "We should be real first,
and ornamental afterwards.
In a wealthy family a butler and two footmen are
employed, and it is their duty to work together in
harmony, the butler having control. The two foot-
men lay the table, the butler looking on to see that it
is properly done. The butler takes care of the wine,
and stands behind his mistress's chair. Where only
one man is employed, the whole duty devolves upon
him, and he has generally the assistance of the parlor-
maid. Where there is only a maid-servant, the mis-
tress of the house must see that all necessary arrange-
ments are made.
The introduction of the extension - table into our
long, narrow dining-rooms has led to the expulsion
of the pretty round-table, which is of all others the
most cheerful. The extension -table, however, is al-
most inevitable, and one of the ordinary size, with
two leaves added, will seat twelve people. The pub-
lic caterers say that every additional leaf gives room
for four more people, but the hostess, in order to avoid
crowding, would be wise if she tested this with her
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180 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
dining-room chairs. New York dinner-parties are
often crowded — sixteen being sometimes asked when
the table will only accommodate fourteen. This is a
mistake, as heat and crowding should be avoided. In
country houses, or in Philadelphia, Boston, Washing-
ton, and other cities where the dining-rooms are or-
dinarily larger than those in a New York house, the
danger of crowding, of heat, and want of ventilation,
is more easily avoided; but in a gas-lighted, furnace-
heated room in New York the sufferings of the diners-
out are sometimes terrible.
The arrangements for the dinner, whether the party
be ten or twenty, should be the same. Much has been
said about the number to be invited, and there is an
old saw that one should not invite "fewer than the
Graces nor more than the Muses." This partiality to
uneven numbers refers to the difficulty of seating a
party of eight, in which case, if the host and hostess
take the head and foot of the table, two gentlemen and
two ladies will come together. But the number of the
Graces being three, no worse number than that could
be selected for a dinner-party ; and nine would be
equally uncomfortable at an extension -table, as it
would be necessary to seat three on one side and four
on the other. Ten is a good number for a small din-
ner, and easy to manage. One servant can wait on
ten people, and do it well, if well- trained. Twenty-
four people often sit down at a modern dinner-table,
and are well served by a butler and two men, though
some luxurious dinner-givers have a man behind each
chair. This, however, is ostentation.
A lady, if she issue invitations for a dinner of ten
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STYLE OF DINING IN AMERICA. 181
or twenty, should do so a fortnight in advance, and
should have her cards engraved thus :
Mr. and Mrs. James Norman
request the 'pleasure of
Mr. and Mrs. John Brown*s company at dinner
on Thursday, February eiglUh,
at seven o'dock.
These engraved forms, on note-paper, filled up with
the necessary time and date, are very convenient and
elegant, and should be answered by the fortunate re-
cipient immediately, in the most formal manner, and
the engagement should be scrupulously kept if ac-
cepted. If the subsequent illness or death of relatives,
or any other cause, renders this impossible, the hostess
should be immediately notified.
A gentleman is never invited without his wife, nor
a lady without her husband, unless great intimacy
exists between the parties, and the sudden need of
another guest makes the request imperative.
The usual hour for dinner-parties in America is
seven o'clock ; but whatever the hour, the guests
should take care to be punctual to the minute. In
the hall the gentleman should find a card with his
name, and that of the lady whom he is to take in,
written on it, and also a small boutonnUre, which he
places in his button-hole. On entering the drawing-
room the lady goes first, not taking her husband's
arm. If the gentleman is not acquainted with the
lady whom he is to take in to dinner, he asks his
hostess to present him to her, and he endeavors to
place himself on an agreeeble footing with her before
they enter the dining-room.
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182 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
When the last guest has arrived, dinner is ready,
and the butler makes his announcement. The host
leads the way, with the lady to whom the dinner is
given, and the hostess follows last, with the gentle-
man whom she wishes to honor.
The people who enter a modern dining-room find a
picture before them, which is the result of painstaking
thought, taste, and experience, and, like all works of
art, worthy of study.
The first thought of the observer is, "What a
splendid bit of color !" The open-work, white table-
cloth lies on a red ground, and above it rests a mat
of red velvet, embroidered with peacock's feathers
and gold lace. Above this stands a large silver
salver or oblong tray, lined with reflecting glass, on
which Dresden swan and silver lilies seem floating
in a veritable lake. In the middle of this long tray
stands a lofty vase of silver or crystal, with flowers
and fruit cunningly disposed in it, and around it are
placed tropical vines. At each of the four corners of
the table stand four ruby glass flagons set in gold,
standards of beautiful and rare designs. Cups or
silver -gilt vases, with centres of cut glass, hold the
bonbons and smaller fruits. Four candelabra hold
up red wax-candles with red shades, and flat, glass,
troughs, filled with flowers, stand opposite each place,
grouped in a floral pattern.
At each place, as the servant draws back the chair,
the guest sees a bewildering number of glass goblets,
wine and champagne glasses, several forks, knives,
and spoons, and a majolica plate holding oysters on
the half shell, with a bit of lemon in the centre of
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SERVICE A LA BUSSE. 183
the plate. The napkin, deftly folded, holds a dinner-
roll, which the guest immediately removes. The ser-
vants then, seeing all the guests seated, pass red and
black pepper, in silver pepper-pots, on a silver tray.
A small, peculiarly-shaped fork is laid by each plate,
at the right hand, for the oysters. Although some
ladies now have all their forks laid on the left hand
of the plate, this, however, is not usual. After the
oysters are eaten, the plates are removed, and two
kinds of soup are passed — a white and a brown soup.
During this part of the dinner the guest has time
to loDk at the beautiful Queen Anne silver, the hand-
some lamps, if lamps are used (we may mention the
fact that about twenty-six candles will well light a
dinner of sixteen persons), and the various colors of
lamp and candle shades. Then the beauty of the
flowers, and, as the dinner goes on, the variety of
the modern Dresden china, the Sevres, the Royal
Worcester, and the old blue can be discussed and
admired.
The service is d la Musse; that is, everything is
handed by the servants. Nothing is seen on the table
except the wines (and only a few of these), the bon-
bons, and the fruit. No greasy dishes are allowed.
Each lady has a bouquet, possibly a painted reticule
of silk filled with sugar -plums, and sometimes a
pretty fan or ribbon with her name or monogram
painted on it.
At his right hand each guest finds a goblet of ele-
gantly-engraved glass for water, two of the broad,
flat, flaring shape of the modem champagne glass
(although some people are using the long vase - like
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184 MANNEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
glass of the past for cbarapagne), a beautiful Bohe-
mian green glass, apparently set with gems, for the
hock, a ruby-red glass for the claret, two other large
white claret or Burgundy glasses, and three wine-
glasses of cut or engraved glass. Harlequin glasses,
which give to the table the effect of a bed of tulips,
are in fashion for those who delight in color and
variety.
The hostess may prefer the modem napery, so ex-
quisitely embroidered in gold thread, which affords
an opportunity to show the family coat of arms, or
the heraldic animals — the lion and the two-headed
eagle and the griffin — intertwined in graceful shapes
around the whole edge of the table and on the nap-
kins.
As the dinner goes on the guest revels in unex-
pected surprises in the beauty of the plates, some of
which look as if made of solid gold ; and when the
Roman punch is served it comes in the heart of a
red, red rose, or in the bosom of a swan, or the cup
of a lily, or the " right little, tight little " life-saving
boat. Faience, china, glass, and ice are all pressed
into the service of the Roman punch, and sometimes
the prettiest dish of all is hewn out of ice.
We will try to see how all this picture is made,
beginning at the laying of the table, the process of
which we will explain in detail in the next chapter.
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PBEPABING THE TABLE FOB DINNEB. 185
CHAPTER XX.
LAYING THE DINNER-TABLE.
The table, after being drawn out to its proper
length, should be covered with a cotton-flannel table-
cloth — white, if the table-cover is the ordinary dam-
ask ; red, if the open work table-cover is to be used.
This broad cotton flannel can be bought for eighty
cents a yard. The table-cloth, if of white damask,
should be perfectly ironed, with one long fold down
the middle, which must serve the butler for his
mathematical centre. No one can be astray in using
fine white damask. If a lady wishes to have the
more rare Russian embroidery, the gold embroidered
on the open-work table-cloth, she can do so, but let
her not put any cloth on her table that will not washi
The mixed-up things trimmed with velvet or satin or
ribbon, which are occasionally seen on vulgar tables,
are detestable.
The butler then lays the red velvet carpet, or mat,
or ornamental cover — whatever it may be called —
down the centre of the table, to afford a relief of
color to the ^pergne.
This is a mere fanciful adjunct, and may be used
or not; but it has a very pretty effect over an open-
work, white table-cloth, with the silver tray of the
tpergne resting upon it. In many families there are
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186 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
silver kpergnes which are heirlooms. These are now
valued for old association's sake; as are the silver can-
dlesticks and silver compotiers. But where a fam-
ily does not possess these table ornaments, a centre
piece of glass is used. The flat basket of flowers,
over which the guests could talk, has been discarded,
and the ornaments of a dinner -table are apt to be
high, including the lamps and candelabra which at
present replace gas.
The table - cloth being laid, the centre and side
ornaments placed, the butler sees that each footman
has a clean towel on his arm, and then proceeds to
unlock the plate chest and the glass closet. Measur-
ing with his hand, from the edge of the table to the
end of his middle finger, he places the first glass.
This measurement is continued around the table, and
secures a uniform line for the water goblet, and the
claret, wine, hock, and champagne glasses, which are
grouped about it. He then causes a plate to be put
at each place, large enough to hold the majolica plate
with the oysters, which will come later. One footman
is detailed to fold the napkins, which should be large,
thick, fine, and serviceable for this stage of the din-
ner. The napkins are not folded in any hotel device,
but simply in a three-cornered pyramid that will stand
holding the roll or bread. The knives, forks, and
spoons, each of which is wiped by the f ootnian with
his clean towel, so that no dampness of his own hand
shall mar their sparkling cleanliness, are then distrib-
uted. These should be all of silver; two knives, three
forks, and a soup-spoon being the usual number laid
at each plate.
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DUTIES OF THE BUTLEK. 187
Before each plate is placed a little salt-cellar, either
of silver or china, in some fanciful shape. Tiny wheel-
barrows are much used. A carafe holding water should
be put on very late, and be fresh from the ice-chest.
Very thin glasses are now used for choice sherry
and Madeira, and are not put on until the latter part
of the dinner, as they may be broken.
Menu-holders or card-holders of china or silver are
often placed before each plate, to hold the card on
which the name of the guest is printed and the bill
of fare from which he is to choose. These may be
dispensed with, however, and the menu and name laid
on each plate.
The butler now turns his attention to his sideboards
and tables, from whence he is to draw his supplies.
Many people make a most ostentatious display of
plate and china on their sideboards, and if one has
pretty things why not show them ? The poorer and
more modest have, on their sideboards, simply the
things which will be needed. But there should be a
row of large forks, a row of large knives, a row of
small ones, a row of table - spoons, sauce-ladles, des-
sert-spoons, fish-slice and fork, a few tumblers, rows
of claret, sherry, and Madeira glasses, and the reserve
of dinner-plates.
On another table or sideboard should be placed the
finger-bowls and glass dessert-plates, the smaller spoons
and coffee cups and saucers. On the table nearest the
door should be the carving-knives and the first dinner-
plates to be used. Here the head footman or the but-
ler divides the fish and carves the pi^e de resistancey
the fillet of beef, the haunch of venison, the turkey.
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188 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
or the saddle of mutton. It is from this side-table
that all the dinner should be served; if the dining-
room is small, the table can be placed in the hall or
adjacent pantry. As the fish is being served, the first
footman should offer Chablis, or some kind of white
wine; with the soup, sherry; with the roast, claret and
champagne, each guest being asked if he w;ill have dry
or sweet champagne.
As the plates are removed they should not be kept
in the dining-room, but sent to the kitchen immedi-
ately, a maid standing outside to receive them, so that
no disorder of the dinner may reach the senses of the
guests, nor even an unpleasant odor. As each plate
is removed a fresh plate must be put in its place —
generally a very beautiful piece of Sevres, decorated
with a landscape, flowers, or faces.
Sparkling wines, hock and champagne, are not de-
canted, but are kept in ice-pails, and opened as re-
quired. On the sideboard is placed the wine decanted
for use, and poured out as needed; after the game has
been handed, decanters of choice Madeira and port
are placed before the host, who sends them round to
his guests.
In England a very useful little piece of furniture,
called a dinner-wagon, is in order. This is a series of
open shelves, on which are placed the extra napkins
or serviettes to be used; for in England the first heavy
napkin is taken away, and a more delicate one brought
with the Roman punch, with the game another, and
with the ices still another. On this dinner-wagon are
placed all the dessert - plates and the finger-glasses.
On the plate which is to serve for the ice is a gold
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THE DINNER- WAGON. 189
ice-spoon, and a silver dessert-knife and fork accom-
pany the finger-bowl and glass plate. This dinner-
wagon also holds the salad-bowl and spoon, of silver,
the salad-plates, and the silver bread-basket, in which
should be thin slices of brown bread-and-butter. A
china dish in three compartments, with cheese and
butter and biscuits to be passed with the salad, the
extra sauces, the jellies for the meats, the relishes, the
radishes and celery, the olives and the sifted sugar —
all things needed as accessaries of the dinner-table —
can be put on this dinner-wagon, or elaghre^ as it is
called in France.
No table-spoons should be laid on the table, except
those to be used for soup, as the style of serving d la
jRttsse precludes their being needed; and the extra
spoons, cruets, and casters are put on the sideboard.
To wait on a large dinner-party the attendants
average one to every three people, and when only a
butler and one footman are kept, it is necessary to
hire additional servants.
Previous to the announcement of the dinner, the
footman places the soup-tureens and the soup-plates
on the side-table. As soon as the oysters are eaten,
and the plates removed, the butler begins with the
soup, and sends it round by two footmen, one on each
side, each carrying two plates. Each footman should
approach the guests on the left, so that the right hand
may be used for taking the plate. Half a ladleful of
soup is quite enough to serve.
Some ladies never allow their butler to do any-
thing but hand the wine, which he does at the right
hand (not the left), asking each person if he will have
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190 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
Sauteme, dry or sweet champagne, claret, Burgundy,
and so on. But really clever butlers serve the soup,
carve, and pour out the wine as well. An inexperi-
enced servant should never serve the wine; it must
be done briskly and neatly, not explosively or care-
lessly. The overfilling of the glass should be avoided,
and servants should be watched, to see that they
give champagne only to those who wish it, and that
they do not overfill glasses for ladies, who rarely
drink anything.
A large plate-basket or two, for removing dishes
and silver that have been used, are necessary, and
should not be forgotten. The butler rings a bell
which communicates with the kitchen when he re-
quires anything, and after each entree or course he
thus gives the signal to the cook to send up another.
Hot dinner-plates are prepared when the fish is re-
moved, and on these hot plates the butler serves all
the meats ; the guests are also served with hot plates
before the entrees, except pdt& de foie gras, for which
a cold plate is necessary.
Some discretion should be shown by the servant
who passes the entr^, A large table-spoon and
fork should be placed on the dish, and the dish then
held low, so that the guest may help himself easily,
the servant standing at his left hand. He should
always have a small napkin over his hand as he
passes a dish. A napkin should also be wrapped
around the champagne bottle, as it is often drip-
ping with moisture from the ice -chest. It is the
butler's duty to make the salad, which he should do
about half an hour before dinner. There are now so
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OBDEB OF THE COURSES AT DINNER. 191
many provocatives of appetite that it would seem as
if we were all, after the manner of Heliogabalus,
determined to eat and die. The best of these is the
Roman punch, which, coming after the heavy roasts,
prepares the palate and stomach for the canvas-back
ducks or other game. Then comes the salad and
cheese, then the ices and sweets, and then cheese
savourie or cheese fondu. This is only toasted cheese,
in a very elegant form, and is served in little silver
shells, sometimes as early in the dinner as just after
the oysters, but the favorite time is after the sweets.
The dessert is followed by the liqueurs^ which should
be poured into very small glasses, and handed by the
butler on a small silver waiter. When the ices are
removed, a dessert-plate of glass, with a finger-bowl,
is placed before each person, with two glasses, one
for sherry, the other for claret or Burgundy, and the
grapes, peaches, pears, and other fruits are then
piassed. After the fruits go round, the sugar-plums
and a little dried ginger — a very pleasant conserve —
are passed before the coffee.
The hostess makes the sign for retiring, and the
dinner breaks up. The gentlemen are left to wine
and cigars, liqueurs and cognac, and the ladies retire
to the drawing-room to chat and take their coffee.
In the selection of the floral decoration for the ta-
ble the lady of the house has the final voice. Flow-
ers which have a very heavy fragrance should not be
used. That roses and pinks, violets and lilacs, are
suitable, goes without saying, for they are always
delightful; but the heavy tropical odors of jasmine,
orange-blossom, hyacinth, and tuberose should be
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192 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
avoided. A very pretty decoration is obtained by
using flowers of one color, such as Jacqueminot roses,
or scarlet carnations, which, if placed in the gleam-
ing crystal glass, produce a very brilliant and beau-
tiful effect.
Flowers should not be put on the table until just
before dinner is served, as they are apt to be wilted
by the heat and the lights.
We have used the English term footman to indi-
cate what is usually called a waiter in this country.
A waiter in England is a hired hotel-hand, not a pri-
vate servant.
Much taste and ingenuity are expended on the
selection of favors for ladies, and these pretty fan-
cies — bonbonnUreSy painted ribbons and reticules, and
fans covered with flowers — add greatly to the ele-
gance and luxury of our modern dinner-table.
A less reasonable conceit is that of having toys —
such as imitation musical instruments, crackers whidi
make an unpleasant detonation, imitations of negro
minstrels, balloons, flags, and pasteboard lobsters,
toads, and insects — presented to each lady. These
articles are neither tasteful nor amusing, and have
" no excuse for being " except that they afford an op-
portunity for the expenditure of more money.
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BONBONNi:&BES AND MENU-HOLDEBS. 193
CHAPTER XXL
FAVORS AND BONBONNIERES.
Truly " the world is very young for its age." We
are never too old to admire a pretty favor or a taste-
ful honho7ini^re; and, looking back over the season,
we remember, as among the most charming of the
favors, those with flowers painted upon silken ban-
ners, with the owner's name intertwined. The tech-
nical difficulties of painting upon silk are somewhat
conquered, one would think, in looking at the endless
devices composed of satin and painted flowers on the
lunch-tables. Little boxes covered with silk, in eight
and six sided forms, with panels let in, on which are
painted acorns and oak leaves, rosebuds or lilies, and
always the name or the cipher of the recipient, are very
pretty. The Easter-egg has long been a favorite offer-
ing in silk, satin, plush, and velvet, in covered, egg-
shaped boxes containing bonbons; these, laid in a nest
of gold and silver threads in a cloisonnk basket, afford
a very pretty souvenir to carry home from a luncheon.
Menu-holders of delicate gilt- work are also added
to the other favors. These pretty little things some-
times uphold a photograph, or a porcelain plate on
which is painted the lady's name, and also a few flow-
ers. The little porcelain cards are not larger than a
visiting-card, and are often very artistic. The famous
13
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194 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
and familiar horseshoe, in silver or silver-gilt, hold-,
ing up the menu-card, is another pretty favor, and
a very nice one to carry home, as it becomes a pen-
holder when it is put on the writing-table. Wire
rests, shaped like those used for muskets in barracks-
yards, are also used for the name and menu -cards.
Plateaus, shells, baskets, figurettes, vases holding
flowers, dolphins, Tritons, swan, sea animals (in
crockery), roses which open and disclose the sugar-
plums, sprays of coral, and gilt conch-shells, are all
pretty, especially when filled with flowers.
Baskets in various styles are often seen. One tied
with a broad ribbon at the side is very useful as a
work - basket afterwards. Open - work baskets, lined
with crimson or scarlet or pink or blue plush, with
another lining of silver paper to protect the plums,
are very tasteful. A very pretty basket is one hung
between three gilt handles or poles, and filled with
flowers or candies. Silvered and gilded beetles, or
butterflies, fastened on the outside, have a fanciful
effect.
Moss-covered trays holding dried grasses and straw,
and piles of chocolates that suggest ammunition, are
decorative and effective.
Wheelbarrows of tiny size for flowers are a favor-
ite conceit. They are made of straw-work, entirely
gilded, or painted black or brown, and picked out
with gold; or perhaps pale green, with a bordering of
brown. A very pretty one may be made of old cigar-
box wood; on one side a monogram painted in red and
gold, on the other a spray of autumn leaves. Carved-
wood barrows fitted with tin inside may hold a grow-
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BSTICULES AND CHATELAINES. 195
ing plant — stephanotis, hyacinths, ferns, ivy, or any
other hardy plant — and are very pleasing souvenirs.
The designs for reticules and chdtelainea are endless.
At a very expensive luncheon, to which twenty-four
ladies sat down, a silk reticule a foot square, filled with
Maillard's confections and decorated with an exquisite-
ly painted landscape effect, was presented to each guest.
These lovely reticules may be any shape, and com-
posed of almost any material. A very handsome style
is an eight -sided, melon -shaped bag of black satin,
with a decoration of bunches of scarlet flowers painted
or embroidered. Silk braided with gold, brocade, and
plush combined, and Turkish towelling with an ap-
pliqui of brilliant color, are all suitable and effective.
In the winter a shaded satin muff, in which was
hidden a bonbonnihrey was the present that made glad
the hearts of twenty-eight ladies. These are easily
made in the house, and a plush muff with a bird's
head is a favorite " favor."
A pair of bellows is a pretty and inexpensive bon-
bonnUre, They can be bought at the confectioner's,
and are more satisfactory than when made at home ;
but if one is ingenious, it is possible, with a little
pasteboard, gilt paper, silk, and glue, to turn out a
very pretty little knickknack of this kind. However,
the French do these things so much better than we
do that a lady giving a lunch-party had better buy
all her favors at some wholesale place. There is a
real economy in buying such articles at the wholesale
stores, for the retail dealers double the price.
Bronze, iron, and glass are all pressed into the ser-
vice, and occasionally we have at a lunch a whole
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196 MANNERS AND SOCIAL tTSAOBS.
military armament of cannon, muskets, swords, bronze
helmets, whole suits of armor, tazza for jewellery, min-
iature cases, inkstands, and powder-boxes, all to hold
a few sugar-plums.
At a christening party all the favors savor of the
nursery — splendid cradles of flowers, a bassinet of
brilliante trimmed with ribbons for a bonbonnih'e,
powder-boxes, puffs, little socks filled with sugar in-
stead of little feet, an infant's cloak standing on end
(really over pasteboard), an infant's hood, and even
the flannel shirt has been copied. Of course the bap-
tismal dish and silver cup are easily imitated.
Perfumery is introduced in little cut-glass bottles,
in leaden tubes like paint tubes, in perfumed arti-
ficial flowers, in sctchets of powder, and in the handles
of fans.
Boxes of satinwood, small wood covers for music
and blotting cases, painted by hand, are rather pret-
ty favors. The plain boxes and book covers can be
bought and ornamented by the young artists of the
family. Nothing is prettier than an owl sitting on
an ivy vine for one of these. The owl, indeed, plays
a very conspicuous part at the modern dinner -table
and luncheon. His power of looking wise and being
foolish at the same time fits him for modern society.
He enters it as a pepper-caster, a feathered bonbon-
nihre, a, pickle-holder (in china), and is drawn, paint-
ed, and photographed in every style. A pun is made
on his name: " Should owled acquaintance be forgot ?"
etc. He is a favorite in jewellery, and is often carved
in jade. Indeed, the owl is having his day, having
had the night always to himself.
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FAVOES OF EVEBY DESCEIPTION. 197
The squirrel, the dog, " the frog that would a- woo-
ing go," the white duck, the pig, and the mouse, are
all represented in china, and in the various silks and
gauzes of French taste, or in their native skins, or in
any of the disguises that people may fancy. Bears
with ragged staffs stand guard over a plate of mod-
em faience, as they do over the gates of Warwick
Castle. Cats mewing, catching mice, playing on the
Jews -harp, elephants full of choicest confectionery,
lions and tigers with chocolate insides, and even the
marked face and long hair of Oscar Wilde, the last
holding within its ample cranium caraway-seeds in-
stead of brains, played their part as favors.
The green enamelled dragon-fly, grasshoppers and
beetles, flies and wasps, moths and butterflies, bright-
tinted mandarin ducks, peacocks, and ostriches, tor-
toises cut in pebbles or made of pasteboard, shrimps
and crabs, do all coldly furnish forth the lunch-table
as favors and honhonnihres. Then come plaster or
pasteboard gondolas, skiffs, wherries, steamships, and
ferry-boats, all made with wondrous skill and freight-
ed with caramels. Imitation rackets, battledoor and
shuttlecock, hoops and sticks, castanets, cup and ball,
tambourines, guitars, violins, hand-organs, banjos, and
drums, all have their little day as fashionable favors.
Little statuettes of Kate Greenaway's quaint chil-
dren now appear as favors, and are very charming.
Nor is that " flexible curtain," the fan, left out. Those
of paper, pretty but not expensive, are very common
favors. But the opulent offer pretty satin fans paint-
ed with the recipient's monogram, or else a fan which
will match flowers and dress. Fans of lace, and of
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198 MANNERS AND SOCTAL USAGES.
tortoise-shell and carved ivory and sandal- wood, are
sometimes presented, but they are too ostentatious.
Let us say to the givers of feasts, be not too magnifi-
cent, but if you give a fan, give one that is good for
something, not a thing which breaks with the " first
fall."
A very pretty set of favors, called "fairies," are
little groups of children painted on muslin, with a
background of ribbon. The muslin is so thin that
the children seem floating on air. The lady's name
is also painted on the ribbon.
We find that favors for gentlemen, such as sunflow-
ers, pin-cushions, small purses, scarf-pins, and sleeve-
buttons, are more useful than those bestowed upon
ladies, but not so ornamental.
Very pretty baskets, called huits (the baskets used
by the vine-growers to carry earth for the roots of .
the vines), are made of straw ornamented with arti-
ficial flowers and grasses, and filled with bonbons.
Little Leghorn hats trimmed with pompons of mus-
lin, blue, pink, or white, are filled with natural flowers
and hung on the arm. These are a lovely variation.
Fruits — ^the apple, pear, orange, and plum, delight-
fully realistic — are made of composition, and open to
disclose most unexpected seeds.
A trowel, a knife, fork, and spoon, of artistically
painted wood, and a pair of oars, all claim a passing
notice as artistic novelties.
Bags of plush, and silk embroidered with daisies,
are very handsome and expensive favors ; heavily
trimmed with lace, they cost four dollars apiece, but
are sold a little cheaper by the dozen. Blue sashes.
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THE COST OF A LUNCHEON. 199
with flowers painted on paper (and attached to the
sash a paper on which may be written the menu), cost
eighteen dollars a dozen. A dish of snails, fearfully
realistic, can be bought for one dollar a plate, fruits
for eighteen dollars a dozen, and fans anywhere from
twelve up to a hundred dollars a dozen.
A thousand dollars is not an unusual price for a
luncheon, including flowers and favors, for eighteen
to twenty-four guests. Indeed, a luncheon was given
last winter for which the hostess offered a prize for
copies in miniature of the musical instruments used
in " Patience." They were furnished to her for three
hundred dollars. The names of these now almost
obsolete instruments were rappaka, tibia, archlute,
tambour, kiffar, quinteme, rehal, tuckin, archviola,
lyra, serpentine, chluy, viola da gamba, balalaika,
gong, ravanastron, monochord, shopkar. The " arch-
lute " is the mandolin. They represented all coun-
tries, and were delicate specimens of toy handiwork.
We have not entered into the vast field of glass,
china, porcelain, cloisonni, Dresden, faience jugs, box-
es, plates, bottles, and vases, which are all used as
favors. Indeed, it would be impossible to describe
half of the fancies which minister to modern ex-
travagance. The honhonni^re can cost anything,
from five to five hundred dollars ; fifty dollars for a
satin box filled with candy is not an uncommon price.
Sometimes, when the box is of oxidized silver — a quaint
copy of the antique from Benvenuto Cellini — this price
is not too much; but when it is a thing which tarnishes
in a month, it seems ridiculously extravagant.
We have seen very pretty and artistic cheap favors.
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200 HANNEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
Reticules made of bright cotton, or silk handkerchiefs
with borders; cards painted by the artists of the fam-
ily; palm- leaf fans covered with real flowers, or painted
with imitation ones; sunflowers made of pasteboard,
with portfolios behind them; pretty little parasols of
flowers ; Little Red Riding-hood, officiating as a re-
ceptacle for stray pennies; Japanese teapots, with the
" cozy " made at home ; little doyleys wrought with
delightful designs from "Pretty Peggy," and num-
berless other graceful and charming trifles.
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LAJJGUAQK OF FLOWEES. 201
CHAPTER XXII.
FLOBAL TRIBUTES AND DECORATIONS.
When every steamer leaving these shores goes
out laden with people who are weighed down with
flowers, it cannot but be a severe tax on the in-
genuity of the florist to devise novel and appropri-
ate forms for the typical basket that shall say hon
voyage in a thousand new ways. Floral ships, an-
chors, stars, crosses, mottoes, monograms, and even
the national flag, have been used for these steamer
decorations.
But the language of flowers, so thoroughly under-
stood among the Persians that a single flower ex-
presses a complete declaration of love, an offer of
marriage, and, presumably, a hint at the settlement,
is, with our more practical visionaries and enthusiasts
of the nineteenth century, rather an echo of the stock
market than a poetical fancy. We fear that no prima
donna looks at her flowers without a thought of how
much they have cost, and that the belle estimates her
bouquet according to the commercial value of a lily-
of-the-valley as compared with that of a Jacqueminot
rose, rather than as flowers simply. It is a pity that
the overwhelming luxury of an extravagant period
involves in its all-powerful grasp even the flowers of
the field, those generous gifts of sunshine and of rain.
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202 MANNEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
But SO it is. It is a well-known fact that the lady
who will give her order three months in advance for
the flowers needed for her daughter's wedding, or for
any other grand ceremonial, can, by offering a suffi-
ciently large amount of money, command any flower
she wishes. Even daisies and buttercups, red clover
and white, the delicate forget-me-not of the garden,
nasturtiums and marigolds, the shy and tender ane-
mone, the dandelion and lilacs and lilies-of -the- valley,
may be forced into unnatural bloom in January. It
is a favorite caprice to put the field-flowers of June
on a lunch-table in January.
This particular table is the greatest of all the con-
sumers of flowers, therefore we may begin by de-
scribing some of the new fancies developed by that
extraordinarily luxurious meal. A lady's lunch must
show not only baskets of magnificent flowers up and
down the table, but it must also bear a basket or a
bouquet for each lady.
One of the most regal lunches, given to twenty-
eight ladies, set the fashion for using little gilt bas-
kets, with covers opening on either side of the han-
dle — the kind of basket, of a larger size, in which,
in New England and in Old England, Dame Trot
carried her multifarious parcels home from market.
These pretty and useful baskets had on each side a
bunch of flowers peeping out through the open cover,
and on the gilt handle was tied a ribbon correspond-
ing in color to the flowers. One of them, having soft
pink rosebuds of exceeding size and loveliness on one
side and a bunch of lilies-of -the-valley on the other,
with a bow of pink satin ribbon on the handle, was
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"dame trot" baskets. 203
as pretty a picture as ever Kate Greenaway devised.
Another, showing the strong contrast of purple pan-
sies and yellow daffodils, and tied with a lovely purple
satin ribbon, was a dream of rich color.
The stiff, formal, flat bouquets of yellow daffodils
and bunches of violets, tied with purple ribbon, make
a very fine effect laid in regular order at each plate.
Repetition of a favorite idea in flowers is not ugly,
although it seems at first very far from the primeval
and delicious confusion in which nature throws her
bouquets down upon upland and meadow.
In the ari'angement of roses the most varied and
whimsical fancies may be displayed, although the
most gorgeous effect is produced, perhaps, by massing
a single color or group. A basket of the pink Gloire
de Paris, however, with its redundant green foliage,
alternated with deep -red Jacqueminots, is a very
splendid fancy, and will fill a room with fragrance.
In February these roses cost two dollars apiece, and
it was no rare sight to see four or six baskets, each
containing forty roses, on one table during the winter
of 1884.
We advise all ladies going into the country to pur-
chase some of the little " Dame Trot " baskets, as they
will be lovely when filled with wild-flowers during the
summer. Indeed, the gilt basket, fitted with a tin pan
to hold earth or water, is such a cheap and pretty
receptacle for either growing or cut flowers that it
ought to be a belonging of every dinner-table.
From the lunch -table, with its baskets and floral
fancies, we come to the dinner-table. Here the space
is so valuable that the floral bag, an ingenious plan
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204 IfANNBSS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
by which roses may be hung at the side of the wearer,
has been invented. This is a novel and very pretty
way of wearing flowers. The roses or other flowers
are tied together with wires, in the shape of a reticule,
and a ribbon and pin provided, so that the lady may
fasten her floral trophy at her side. The baskets of
flowers and the adornments of the ipergne for a din-
ner are very apt to be all of one flower. If mixed,
they are of two sorts, as yellow roses and red ones,
or white and pink, or, may be, half of lilacs and half
of roses, or purple pansies and bright yellow flowers.
Some tables are set with scarlet carnations alone, and
the effect is very fine.
For wedding decorations, houses are now filled with
palm-trees in pots and orange-trees in full bearing.
An entire suite of rooms is made into a bower of
large-leaved plants. Mirrors are covered with vines,
wreaths, and climbing roses, trained across a trellis
of wire. The bride stands under a floral umbrella,
which juts out into the room. The monograms
of bride and bridegroom are put in floral shields
against the wall, like the cartov/che on which the
names and the titles of an Egyptian king are em-
blazoned in the solitude of the Pyramids. The bou-
quets carried by brides and bridesmaids are now ex-
traordinarily large, measuring a foot or more across
the top.
Tulips have always been favorite ornaments for the
dinner-table. These flowers, so fine in drawing and
so splendid in color, produce an extremely brilliant
effect in large masses. As Easter approaches, lilies
come in for especial notice, and the deep Japan cup-
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FLOBAL BEPBESENTATIONS. 205
lily, grouped with the stately callas, and the garden-
lily, with its long yellow stamens and rich perfume,
worthily fill the ^pergnes.
Hyacinths are lovely harbingers of spring, and are
beautiful in color ; but there is a strong objection to
this flower as a decoration, its heavy perfume being
unpleasant to some people.
A fish-basket filled with bunches of lilies, mignon-
ette, deep pink moss-roses shaded to the pale tints of
the rose known as the Baroness de Rothschild, with
a glowing centre of warm red Jacqueminots and a
fringe of purple pansies and Mar6chal Niels, was one
of many beautiful floral ornaments on a magnificent
dinner-table.
In spite of the attempt to prevent the extravagant
use of flowers at funerals, we still see on those sad oc-
casions some new and rather poetic ideas expressed
by floral emblems. One of these, called the " Gates
Ajar," was very beautiful : the "gates" panelled with
lilies, and surmounted by doves holding sprays of pas-
sion-vines in their beaks.
Palms crossed, and clasped by roses and ribbons, an
oblique cross of roses lying on a bed of ivy, a basket
made of ivy and autumn leaves, holding a sheaf of
grain and a sickle of violets, an ivy pillow with a
cross of flowers on one side, a bunch of pansies held
by a knot of ribbon at one corner, a cross made of
ivy alone, a "harvest-field" made of ears of wheat,
are some of the many new funereal designs which
break the monotony of the dreadful white crosses,
crowns, and anchors, hearts and wreaths, of the past.
It is no longer necessary to exclude color from these
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206 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
tributes to the dead. Indeed, some of the most beau-
tiful designs noticed at recent funerals have been
composed of colored floWers.
For a christening, a floral cradle or swinging ham-
mock, a bowl, a silver cup full of the tiniest flowers,
are all favorite designs. A large table of flowers,
with the baby's initials in the centre, was sent to one
happy young mother on a recent auspicious occasion ;
and far more lovely was a manger of flowers, with the
" Star of the East " hanging above it, all made of that
pretty white flower the Star of Bethlehem.
Strange contrasts of flowers have been made : pur-
ple lilacs and the blue forget-me-nots were a favorite
combination — " stylish, not pretty," was the whispered
criticism.
The yellow marigold, a sort of small sunflower, has
been the favorite " caprice " for bouquets de corsage.
This is as near to an actual sunflower as the aesthetes
have ventured to approach. With us, perhaps, there
is no more splendid yellow than this marigold, and it
admirably sets off a black or sage green dress.
An extravagant lady, at a ball, wore around her
white dress skirt a fringe of real violets. Although
less effective than the artificial ones, they had a pret-
ty appearance until they drooped and faded. This
adornment cost one hundred and fifty dollars.
A rainbow has been attempted in flowers, but with
poor success. It will look like a ribbon — a very hand-
some ribbon, no doubt; but the arc-en-ciel evades re-
production, even in the transcendent prismatic colors
of flowers.
Ribbons have been used with flowers, and add much
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COST OF FLORAL DECORATIONS, 207
to their effect ; for, since the Arcadian days of Rosa-
lind and Celia, a flower, a ribbon, and a pretty girl,
have been associated with each other in prose, poetry,
painting, and romance.
The hanging-baskets, filled with blooming plants,
trailers, and ferns, have been much used at weddings
to add to the bower-like appearance of the rooms;
and altars and steps of churches have been richly
adorned with flowering plants and palm-trees and
other luxuriant foliage.
The prices paid for flowers have been enormous.
One thousand dollars for the floral decorations for a
single dinner has not been an uncommon price. But
the expenditure of such large sums for flowers has not
been unprofitable. The flowers grow finer every day,
and, as an enterprising florist, who had given a " rose
tea" to his patrotis, remarked, "Every large order
inspires us to produce a finer flower."
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208 HANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
CHAPTER XXIIL
GARDEN-PARTIES.
Many of our correspondents ask us, " What shall
we order for a garden-party ?" We must answer that
the first thing to order is a fine day. In these fortu-
nate days the morning revelations of Old Probabili-
ties give us an almost exact knowledge of what of
rain or sunshine the future has in store.
A rain or tornado which starts from Alaska, where
the weather is made nowadays, will almost certainly
be here on the third day ; so the hostess who is will-
ing to send a hasty bidding can perhaps avoid rain.
It is the custom, however, to send invitations for these
garden-parties a fortnight before they are to occur.
At Newport they are arranged weeks beforehand,
and if the weather is bad the entertainment takes
place in-doors.
When invitations are given to a suburban place to
which people are expected to go by rail or any public
means of conveyance, a card should also be sent stat-
ing the hours at which trains leave, which train or
boat to take, and any other information that may add
to the comfort of the guest. These invitations are
engraved, and printed on note-paper, which should be
perfectly plain, or bear the family crest in water-mark
only, and read somewhat as follows :
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THE GABDEN-PARTY PBOPSB. 209
Mr, and Mrs, Edwin Smith
request the pleasure of
Mr. and Mrs, Conway Brown's
company on Tuesday, the thirtieth of July ^
at four o'clock.
Garden Party, Tankers, New York,
Then, on the card enclosed, might be printed,
Carriages wiU meet the 8.30 train from Grand Central Depot,
If the invitation is to a country place not easy of
access, still more explicit directions should be given.
The garden-party proper is always held entirely in
the open air. In England the refreshments are served
under a marqtiee in the grounds, and in that inclem-
ent clime no one seems to think it a hardship if a
shower of rain comes down, and ruins fine silks and
beautiful bonnets. But in our fine sunshiny land we
are very much afraid of rain, and our malarious soil
is not considered always safe, so that the thoughtful
hostess often has her table in-doors, piazzas filled with
chairs, Turkey rugs laid down on the grass, and every
preparation made that the elderly and timid and rheu-
matic may enjoy the garden-party without endanger-
ing their health.
A hostess should see that her lawn-tennis ground is
in order, the croquet laid out, and the archery tools
all in place, so that her guests may amuse themselves
with these different games. Sometimes balls and races
are added to these amusements, and often a platform
is laid for dancing, if the turf be not sufficiently dry.
A band of musicians is essential to a very elegant
and successful garden-party, and a varied selection of
music, grave and gay, should be rendered. Although
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210 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
at a dinner-party there is reason to fear that an or-
chestra may be a nuisance, at a gai'den- party the
open air and space are sufficient guarantees against
this danger.
If the hostess wishes her entertainment to be served
out-of-doors, of course all the dishes must be cold.
Salads, cold birds, and ham, tongue, and pdt& de /oie
ffraSy cold pdthy and salmon dressed with a green sauce,
jellies, Charlottes, ices, cakes, punch, and champagne,
are the proper things to offer. A cup of hot tea
should be always ready in the house for those who
desire it.
At a garden-party proper the hostess receives out on
the lawn, wearing her hat or bonnet, and takes it for
granted that the party will be entirely out-of-doors.
The carriages, however, drive up to the door, and the
ladies can go up-stairs and deposit their wraps and
brush off the dust, if they wish. A servant should be
in attendance to show the guests to that part of the
grounds in which the lady is receiving.
At Newport these parties are generally conducted
on the principle of an afternoon tea, and after the
mistress of the house has received her guests, they
wander through the grounds, and, when weary, return
to the house for refreshment. JPdti de foie gras, sand-
wiches, cold birds, plates of delicious jellied tongue,
lobster salad, and sometimes hot cakes and hot broiled
chicken, are served at these high teas. Coffee and tea
and wine are also offered, but these are at mixed en-
tertainments which have grown out of the somewhat
unusual hours observed at Newport in the season.
There is a sort of public garden-party in this coun-
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PUBLIC GABDEN-PABTIBS. 211
try which prevails on semi-official occasions, such as
the laying of a foundation-stone for a public building,
the birthday of a prominent individual, a Sunday-
school festival, or an entertainment given to a public
functionary. These are banquets, and for them the
invitations are somewhat general, and should be of-
ficially issued. For the private garden-party it is
proper for a lady to ask for an invitation for a friend,
as there is always plenty of room; but it should also
be observed that where this request is not answered
affirmatively, offence should not be taken. It is some-
times very difficult for a lady to understand why her
request for an invitation to her friend is refused; but
she should never take the refusal as a discourtesy to
herself. There may be reasons which cannot be ex-
plained.
Ladies always wear bonnets at a garden-party, and
the sensible fashion of short dresses has hitherto pre-
vailed ; but it is rumored that a recent edict of the
• Princess of Wales against short dresses at her gar-
den-parties will find followers on this side of the
water, notably at Newport, which out-Herods Herod
in its respect to English fashions.
Indeed, a long dress is very pretty on the grass and
under the trees. At Buckingham Palace a garden-
party given to the Viceroy of Egypt several years
ago presented a very Watteau-like picture. Worth's
handsomest dresses were freely displayed, and the
lovely grounds and old trees at the back of the pal-
ace were in fine full dress for the occasion.
In fact, England is the land for garden-parties,
with its tttrf of velvet softness, its flowing lime-trees,
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212 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAG£S.
its splendid old oaks, and its finished landscape gar-
dening. There are but few places as yet in America
which afford the clipped-box avenues, the arcades of
blossoming rose-vines, the pleached alleys, the finely
kept and perfect gravel- walks, or, better than all, the
quiet, old-fashioned gardens, down which tho ladies
may walk, rivals of the flowers.
But there are some such places; and a green lawn,
a few trees, a good prospect, a fine day, and some-
thing to eat, are really all the absolute requirements
for a garden-party. In the neighborhood of New
York very charming garden-parties have been given :
at the Brooklyn Navy-yard and the camp of the sol-
dier, at the head-quarters of the officers of marines,
and at the ever-lovely Governor's Island.
Up the Hudson, out at Orange (with its multitudi-
nous pretty settlements), all along the coast of Long
Island, the garden-party is almost imperatively nec-
essary. The. owner of a fine place is expected to al-
low the unfortunates who must stay in town at least
one sniff of his roses and new-mown hay.
Lawn-tennis has had a great share in making the
garden-party popular ; and in remote country places
ladies should learn how to give these parties, and, with
very little trouble, make the most of our fine climate.
There is no doubt that a little awkwardness is to be
overcome in the beginning, for no one knows exactly
what to do. Deprived of the friendly shelter of a
house, guests wander forlornly about ; but a graceful
and ready hostess will soon suggest that a croquet
or lawn-tennis party be formed, or that a contest at
archery be entered upon, or that even a card-party
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EFFICIENT SERVANTS NECESSARY* 213
is in order, or that a game of checkers can be played
under the trees.
Servants should be taught to preserve the proprie-
ties of the feast, if the meal be served under the trees.
There should be no piles of dishes, knives, forks, or
spoons, visible on the green grass ; baskets should be
in readiness to carry off everything as soon as used.
There should be a sufficient quantity of glass and
china in use, and plenty of napkins, so that there need
be no delay. The lemonade and punch bowls should
be replenished from the dining-room as soon as they
show signs of depletion, and a set of neat maid-ser-
vants can be advantageously employed in watching
the table, and seeing that the cups, spoons, plates,
wine-glasses, and forks are in sufficient quantity and
clean. If tea is served, maid-sen'^ants are better than
men, as they are careful that the tea is hot, and the
spoons, cream, and sugar forthcoming. Fruit is an
agreeable addition to a garden-party entertainment,
and pines, melons, peaches, grapes, strawberries, are
all served in their season. Pains should be taken to
have these fruits of the very best that can be obtained.
Claret-cup, champagne-cup, and soda-water, brandy
and shandy-gaff, are provided on a separate table for
the gentlemen ; ApoUinaris water, and the various
aerated waters so fashionable now, are also provided.
Although gentlemen help themselves, it is necessary
to have a servant in attendance to remove the wine-
glasses, tumblers, and goblets as they are used, and to
replenish the decanters and pitchers as they are emp-
tied, and to supply fresh glasses. Many hospitable
hosts offer their guests old Madeira, sherry, and port.
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214 . MANNBBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
The decanters are placed on the regular luncheon-
table, and glasses of wine are carried by servants,
on silver trays, to the ladies who are sitting on the
piazzas and under the trees. Small thin tumblers are
used for the claret and champagne cup, which should
be held in silver or glass pitchers.
If strawberries and cream are served, a small napkin
should be put between the saucer and plate, and a
dessert spoon and fork handed with each plate.
The servants who carry about refreshments from
the tent or the table where they are served should be
warned to be very careful in this part of the service,
as many a fine gown has been spoiled, by a dish of
strawberries and cream or a glass of punch or lemon-
ade being overturned, through a servant's want of care.
Ices are now served at garden-parties in small pa-
per cups placed on ice-plates — a, fashion which is very
neat, and which saves much of the inuasineas which
has heretofore been a feature of these entertain-
ments. Numbers of small tables should be brought
with the camp-stools, and placed at convenient in-
tervals, where the guests can deposit their plates.
A lady should not use her handsome glass or china
at these al fresco entertainments. It is sure to be
broken. It is better to hire all the necessary glass,
silver, and china from the caterer, as it saves a world
of counting and trouble.
No doubt the garden-party is a troublesome affair,
particularly if the refreshments are out-of-doors, but
it is very beautiful and very amusing, and worth all
the trouble. It is just as pleasant, however, if the
table is in-doors.
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REVIVAL OF SUPPBE-PABTIES. 215
CHAPTER XXIV.
SUPPEIt-PARTIES.
After a long retirement into the shades, the sup-
per-party, the " sit-down supper," once so dear to our
ancestors, has been again revived. Leaders of soci-
ety at Newport have found that, after the hearty
lunch which everybody eats there at one or three
o'clock the twelve or fourteen course dinner at seven
o'clock, is too much; that people come home reluc-
tantly from their ocean drive to dress ; and last sum-
mer, in consequence, invitations were issued for sup-
pers at nine or half -past nine. The suppers at pri-
vate houses, which had previously fallen out of fash-
ion by reason of the convenience and popularity
of the great restaurants, were resumed. The very
late dinners in large cities have, no doubt, also pre-
vented the supper from being a favorite entertain-
ment; but there is no reason (except the disap-
proval of doctors) why suppers should not be in
fashion in the country, or where people dine early.
In England, where digestions are better than here,
and where people eat more heavily, " the supper-tray "
is an institution, and suppers are generally spread in
every English country house; and we may acknowl-
edge the fact that the supper — the little supper so
dear to the hearts. of our friends of the last century-
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seems to be coming again into f asliion here. Nothing
can be more significant than that Harper's Bazar re-
ceives many letters asking for directions for setting
the table for supper, and for the proper service of
the meats which are to gayly cover the cloth and
enrich this always pleasant repast.
In a general way the same service is proper at a
supper as at a dinner, with the single exception of the
soup-plates. Oysters on the half-dhell and bouillon
served in cups are the first two courses. If a hot sup-
per is served, the usual dishes are sweetbreads, with
green pease, e^^e/e<^e« d, la financihrey and some sort
of game in season, such as reed-birds in autumn, can-
vas-back ducks, venison, or woodcock; salads of every
kind are in order, and are often served with the game.
Then ices and fruit follow. Cheese is rarely offered,
although some^oi^rmeto insist that a little is neces-
sary with the salad.
After each course all the dishes and knives and
forks that have been in use are replaced by fresh
ones, and the order and neatness of the table pre-
served to the end of the supper. We would think it
unnecessary to mention this most obvious detail of
table decorum, had not several correspondents asked
to be informed concerning it.
There is, of course, the informal supper, at which
the dishes are all placed on a table together, as for a
supper at a large ball. Meats, dressed salmon, chicken
croquettes, salads, jellies, and ices are a part of the
alarming mUange of which a guest is expected to
partake, with only such discrimination as may be
dictated by prudence or inclination. But this is not
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LATE SUPPERS. 217
the " sit down," elegant supper so worthy to be re-
vived, with its courses and its etiquette and its brill-
iant conversation, which was the delight of our grand-
mothers.
A large centre-piece of flowers, with fruit and can-
dies in glass compotiers, and high forms of nougaty
and other sugar devices, are suitable standards for
an elegant supper-table. Three sorts of wine may be
placed on the table in handsome decanters — ^sherry, or
Madeira, and Burgundy. The guests find oysters on
the half -shell, with little fish forks, all ready for them.
The napkin and bread are laid at the side or in front
of each plate. These plates being removed, other
plain plates are put in their place, and cups of bouillon
are served, with gold teaspoons. This course passed,
other plates are put before the guest, and some chick-
en croquettes or lobster fard is passed. Sherry or
Madeira should already have been served with the
oysters. With the third course iced champagne is
offered. Then follow game, or fried oysters, salads,
and a slice of pdti de foie graSy with perhaps tomato
salad; and subsequently ices, jellies, fruit, and coffee,
and for the gentlemen a glass of brandy or cordial.
Each course is taken away before the next is pre-
sented. Birds and salad are served together.
There is a much simpler supper possible, which is
often offered by a hospitable hostess after the opera
or theatre. It consists of a few oysters, a pair of cold
roast chickens, a dish of lobster or plain salad, with
perhaps a glass of champagne, and one sort of ice-
cream, and Involves very little trouble or expense, and
can be safely said to give as much pleasure as the more
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218 MANKEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
sumptuons feast. This informal refreshment is often
placed on a red table-cloth, with a dish of oranges and
apples in the centre of the table, and one servant is
sufficient. There should be, however, the same eti-
quette as to the changing of plates, knives, and forks,
etc., as in the more elaborate meal.
The good house-keeper who gives a supper every
evening to her hungry family may learn many an
appetizing device by reading English books of cook-
ery on this subject. A hashed dish of the meat left
from dinner, garnished with parsley, a potato salad,
a few slices of cold corned beef or ham, some pickled
tongues, bread, butter, and cheese, with ale or cider,
is the supper offered at nearly every English house in
the country.
The silver and glass, the china and the fruit, should
be as carefully attended to as for a dinner, and every-
thing as neat and as elegant as possible, even at an
informal supper.
Oysters, th^t universal food of the American,^ are in-
valuable for a supper. Fried oysters diffuse a dis-
agreeable odor through the house, therefore they are
not as convenient in a private dwelling as scalloped
oysters, which can be prepared in the afternoon, and
which send forth no odor when cooking. Broiled
oysters are very delicate, and are a favorite dish at an
informal supper. Broiled birds and broiled bones are
great delicacies, but they must be prepared by a very
good cook. Chicken in various forms — hashed, fried,
cold, or in salad — is useful ; veal may be utilized for
all these things, if chicken is not f orthcoiiiing. The
delicately treated chicken livers also make a very
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LATE SUPPERS. 219
good dishy and mushrooms on toast are perfect in
their season. Hot vegetables are never served, ex-
cept green pease with some other dish.
Beef, except in the form of a fillet, is never seen
at a "sit-down" supper, and even a fillet is rather too
heavy. Lobster in every form is a favorite supper
delicacy, and the grouse, snipe, woodcock, teal, canvas-
back, and squab on toast, are always in order.
In these days of Italian warehouses and imported
delicacies, the pressed and jellied meats, pdtiSy sau-
sages, and spiced tongues furnish a variety for a cold
supper. No supper is perfect without a salad.
The Romans made much of this meal, and among
their delicacies were the ass, the dog, and the snail,
sea-hedgehogs, oysters, asparagus, venison, wild boar,
sea-nettles, fish, fowl, game, and cakes. The Germans
to-day eat wild boar, head-cheese, pickles, goose's flesh
dried, sausages, cheese, and salads for supper, and
wash down with beer. The French, imder Louis XIV.,
began to make the supper their most finished meal.
They used gold and silver dishes, crystal cups and
goblets, exquisite grapes crowned the ipergne^ and
choicest fruits were served in golden dishes. The
cooks sent up piquant sauces for the delicately cooked
meats, the wines were drunk hot and spiced. The
latter are taken iced now. Many old house-keepers,
however, serve a rich, hot -mulled port for a winter
supper. It is a delicious and not unhealthy beverage,
and can be easily prepared.
The doctors, as we have said, condemn a late sup-
per, but the pros and cons of this subject admit of
discussion. Every one, indeed, must decide for him^
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220 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
self. Few people can undergo excitement of an even-
ing—an opera or play or concert, or even the pleasant
conversation of an evening party — without feeling
hungry. With many, if such an appetite is not ap-
peased it will cause sleeplessness. To eat lightly and
to drink lightly at supper is a natural instinct with
people if they expect to go to bed at once ; but ex-
citement is a great aid to digestion, and a heavy sup-
per sometimes gives no inconvenience.
Keats seems to have had a vision of a modern sup-
per-table when he wrote :
"soft he set
A table, and . . . threw thereon
A cloth of woven crimson, gold, and jet;
. . . from forth the closet brought a heap
Of candied apple, quince, and plum, and gourd,
With jellies soother than the creamy curd.
And lucent syrops, tinct with cinnamon.
Manna and dates: . . . spiced dainties every one."
The supper being a meal purely of luxury should
bo very dainty. Everything should be tasteful and
appetizing ; the wines should be excellent, the claret
not too cool, the champagne frappk, or almost so, the
Madeira and the port the temperature of the room,
and the sherry cool. If punch is served, it should be
at the end of the supper. .
Many indulgent hostesses now allow young gentle-
men to smoke a cigarette at the supper-table, after
the eating and drinking is at an end, rather than
break up the delicious flow of conversation which at
the close of a supper seems to be at its best. This,
however, should not be done unless every lady at the
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GENEBAL SUPPEBS. 221
table acquiesces, as the smell of tobacco-smoke some-
times gives women an unpleasant sensation.
Suppers at balls and parties include now all sorts
of cold and hot dishes, even a haunch of venison, and
a fillet of beef, with truffles ; a cold salmon dressed
with a green sauce; oysters in every form except
raw — they are not served at balls; salads of every
description ; boned and truffled turkey and chicken ;
pdt^ of game ; cold partridges and grouse ; pdt& de
foie graa; our American specialty, hot canvas-back
duck ; and the Baltimore turtle, terrapin, oyster and
game patties ; bonbons, ices, biscuits, creams, jellies,
and fruits, with champagne, and sometimes, of later
years, claret and Moselle cup, and champagne-cup —
beverages which were not until lately known in Amer-
ica, except at gentlemen's clubs and on board yachts,
but which are very agreeable mixtures, and gaining
in favor. Every lady should know how to mix cup,
as it is convenient both for supper and lawn-tennis
parties, and is preferable in its effects to the heavier
article so co,mmon at parties — ^punch.
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222 MANNEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
CHAPTER XXV.
SUMMER DINNEBS.
Thebe is a season when the lingerers in town accept
with pleasure an invitation to the neighboring country
house, where the lucky suburban cit likes to entertain
his friends. It is to be doubted, however, whether
hospitality is an unmixed pleasure to those who ex-
tend it. With each blessing of prosperity comes an
attendant evil, and a lady who has a country house
has always to face the fact that her servants are apt
to decamp in a body on Saturday night, and leave her
to take care of her guests as best she may. The nearer
to town the greater the necessity for running a ser-
vant's omnibus, which shall take the departing offend-
er to the train, and speed the arrival of h^r successor.
No lady should attempt to entertain in the country
who has not a good cook and a very competent waiter
or waitress. The latter, if well trained, is in every
respect as good as a man, and in some respects more
desirable ; women - servants are usually quiet, neater
than men-servants, as a rule, and require less waiting
upon. Both men and women should be required to
wear shoes that do not creak, and to be immaculately
neat in their attire. Maid - servants should always
wear caps and white aprons, and men dress -coats,
white cravats, and perfectly fresh linen.
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COUNTRY DINNERS. 223
As the dinners of the opulent, who have butler,
waiters, French cook, etc., are quite able to take care
of themselves, we prefer to answer the inquiries of
those of our correspondents who live in a simple
manner, with two or three servants, and who wish to
entertain with hospitality and without great expense.
The dining-room of many country houses is small,
and not cheerfully furnished. The houses built re-
cently are improved in this respect, however, and now
we will imagine a large room that has a pretty outlook
on the Hudson, carpeted with fragrant matting, or
with a hard- wood floor, on which lie India rugs. The
table should be oval, as that shape brings guests near
to each other. The table-cloth should be of white
damask, and as fresh as sweet clover, for dinner : col-
ored cloths are permissible only for breakfast and tea.
The chairs should be easy, with hi^h, slanting backs.
For summer, cane chairs are much the most comfort-
able, although those covered with leather are very
nice. Some people prefer arm-chairs at dinner, but
the arms are inconvenient to many, and, besides, take
a great deal of room. The armless dinner-chairs are
the best.
Now, as a dinner in the country generally occurs
after the gentlemen come from town, the matter of
light has to be considered. K our late brilliant sunsets
do not supply enough, how shall we light our summer
dinners ? Few country houses have gas. Even if they
have, it would be very hot, and attract mosquitoes.
Candles are very pretty, but exceedingly trouble-
some. The wind blows the flame to and fro ; the
insects flutter into thje light; an unhappy moth seats
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224 MANNBBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
himself on the wick, and burning into an unsightly
cadaver makes a gutter down one side ; the little
red -paper shades take fire, and there is a general
conflagration. Yet light is positively necessary to
digestion, and no party can be cheerful without it.
Therefore, try carcel or moderator lamps with pretty
transparent shades, or a hanging lamp with ground-
glass shade. These lamps, filled with kerosene — and
it must be done neatly, so that it will not smell — are
the best lamps for the country dinner. If possible,
however, have a country dinner by the light of day ;
it is much more cheerful.
Now for the ornamentation of the dinner. Let it
be of flowers — ^wild ones, if possible, grasses, clovers,
buttercups, and a few fragrant roses or garden flow-
ers. There is no end to the cheap decorative china
articles that are sold now for the use of flowers. A
contemporary mentions orchids placed in baskets on
the shoulders of Arcadian peasants ; lilies-of-the-val-
ley, with leaves as pale as their flowers, wheeled in
barrows by Cupids or set in china slippers; crocuses
grown in a china pot shaped like a thumbed copy of
Victor Hugo's "Notre Dame de Paris;" or white tulips
in a cluster of three gilt sabots, large enough to form
a capital flower-stand, mounted on gilt, rustic branch-
es. Stout pitchers, glass bowls, china bowls, and even
old teapots, make pretty bouquet-holders. The Greek
vase, the classic - shaped, old-fashioned champagne
glass, are, however, unrivalled for the light grasses,
field daisies, and fresh garden flowers.
Pretty, modem English china, the cheap " old blue,"
the white and gold, or the French, with a colored bor-
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TBE COUNTRY DINNER. 225
der, are all good enongh for a country dinner; for if
people have two houses, they do not like to take their
fragile, expensive china to the country. Prettily-
shaped tureens and vegetable dishes add very much
to the comfort and happiness of the diners, and fort-
unately they are cheap and easily obtained. Glass
should always be thin and fine, -and tea and coffee
cups delicate to the lip : avoid the thick crockery of
a hotel.
For a country dinner the table should be set near a
window, or windows, if possible ; in fine weather, in
the hall or on the wide veranda. If the veranda
have long windows, the servant can pass in and out
easily. There should be a side -board and a side-
table, relays of knives, forks and spoons, dishes and
glasses not in use, and a table from which the ser-
vant can help the soup and carve the joint, as on a
hot day no one wishes to see these two dishes on
the table, A maid-servant should be taught by her
mistress how to carve, in order to save time and
trouble. Soup for a country dinner should be clear
bouillon, with macaroni and cheese, crhme d^aspergCy
or Julienne, which has in it all the vegetables of the
season. Heavy mock-turtle, bean soup, or ox-tail are
not in order for a country dinner. If the lady of the
house have a talent for cookery, she should have her
soups made the day before, all the grease removed
when the stock is cold, and season them herself.
It is better in a country house to have some cold
dish that will serve as a resource if the cook should
leave. Melton veal, which can be prepared on Mon-
day and which will last until Saturday, is an excel-
16
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226 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGBS.
lent stand-by; and a cold boiled or roast ham should
always be on the side -board. A hungry man can
make a comfortable dinner of cold ham and a baked
potato.
Every country householder should try to have a
vegetable garden, for pease, beans, young turnips, and
salads fresh gathered are very superior to those which
even the best grocer furnishes. And of all the lux-
uries of a country dinner the fresh vegetables are the
greatest. Especially does the tired citizen, fed on
the esculents of the comer grocery, delight in the
green pease, the crisp lettuce, the undefiled straw-
berries. One old epicure of New York asks of his
country friends only a piece of boiled salt pork with
vegetables, a potato salad, some cheese, five large
strawberries, and a cup of coffee. The large family
of salads help to make the country dinner delightful.
Given a clear beef soup, a slice of fresh-boiled salmon,
a bit of spring lamb with mint sauce, some green pease
and fresh potatoes, a salad of lettuce, or sliced toma-
toes, or potatoes with a bit of onion, and you have a
dinner fit for a Brillat-Savarin ; or vary it with a pair
of boiled chickens, and a jardiniere made of all the
pease, beans, potatoes, cauliflower, fresh beets, of the
day before, simply treated to a bath,of vinegar and oil
and pepper and salt. The lady who has conquered
the salad question may laugh at the caprices of cooks,
and defy the hour at which the train leaves.
What so good as an egg salad for a hungry com-
pany ? Boil the eggs hard and slice them, cover with
a mayonnaise dressing, and put a few lettuce leaves
about the plate, and you have a sustaining meal.
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SERVICE IN COUNTRY HOUSES. 227
Many families have cold meats and warm vegetables
for their midday dinner during the summer. This is
not healthy. Let all the dinner be cold if the meats
are; and a dinner of cold roast beef, of salad, and
cold asparagus, dressed with pepper, oil, and vinegar,
is not a bad meal.
It is better for almost everybody, however, to eat a
hot dinner, even in hot weather, as the digestion is
aided by the friendly power of the caloric. Indeed
dyspepsia, almost universal with Americans, is attrib-
uted to the habit which prevails in this country above
all others of drinking ice- water.
Carafes of ice-water, a silver dish for ice, and a pair
of ice-tongs, should be put on the table for a summer
dinner. For desserts there is an almost endless suc-
cession, and with cream in her dairy, and a patent ice-
cream freezer in her cuisine^ the house-keeper need
not lack delicate and delicious dishes of berries and
fruits. No hot puddings should be served, or heavy
pies ; but the fruit tart is an excellent sweet, and
should be made d, ravir; the pastry should melt in
the mouth, and the fruit be stewed with a great deal
of sugar. Cream should be put on the table in large
glass pitchers, for it is a great luxury of the country
and of the summer season.
The cold custards, Charlotte - Busse, and creams
stiffened with gelatine and delicately flavored, are
very nice for a summer dinner. So is home-made
cake, when well made : this, indeed, is always its
only " excuse for being."
Stewed fruit is a favorite dessert in England, and
the gooseberry, which here is but little used, is much
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228 MAJl^mEBS AKD SOCIAL USAGES.
liked there. Americans prefer to eat fruit fresh, and
therefore have not learned to stew it. Stewing is,
however, a branch of cookery well worth the atten-
tion of a first-class house -keeper. It makes even
the canned abominations better, and the California
canned apricot stewed with sugar is one of the most
delightful of sweets, and very wholesome; canned
peaches stewed with sugar lose the taste of tin, which
sets the teeth on edge, and stewed currants are de-
licious.
Every house-keeper should learn to cook macaroni
well It is worth while to spend an hour at Mar-
tinelli's, for this Italian staple is economical, and ex-
tremely palatable if properly prepared. Rice, too,
should have a place in a summer bill of fare, as an
occasional substitute for potatoes, which some people
cannot eat.
For summer dinners there should never be any-
thing on the table when the guests sit down but the
flowers and the dessert, the ice -pitchers or carafes^
and bowls of ice, the glass, china, and silver: the
last three should all be simple, and not profuse.
Many families now, fearing burglars, use only
plated spoons, knives, forks, and dishes at their coun-
try houses. Modern plate is so very good that there
is less objection to this than formerly ; but the gen-
uine house -keeper loves the real silver spoons and
forks, and preferis to use them.
The ostentatious display of silver, however, is bad
taste at a country dinner. Glass dishes are much
more elegant and appropriate, and quite expensive
enough to bear the title of luxuries.
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SUMMER DINNERS. 229
Avoid all greasy and heavy dishes. Good roast
beef, mutton, lamb, veal, chickens, and fresh fish are
always in order, for the system craves the support of
these solids in summer as well as in winter; but do
not offer pork, unless in the most delicate form, and
then in small quantities. Fried salt pork, if not too
fat, is always a pleasant addition to the broiled bird.
Broiled fish, broiled chicken, broiled ham, broiled-
steaks and chops, are always satisfactory. The grid-
iron made St. Lawrence fit for Heaven, and its qual-
ities have been elevating and refining ever since.
Nothing can be less healthy or less agreeable to the
taste at a summer dinner than fried food. The fry-
ing-pan should have been thrown into the fire long
ago, and burned up.
The house-keeper living near the sea has an ample
store to choose from in the toothsome crab, clam, lob-
ster, and other Crustacea. The fresh fish, the roast
clams, etc., take the place of the devilled kidneys and
broiled bones of the winter. But every housewife
should study the markets of her neighborhood. In
many rural districts the butchers give away, or throw
to the dogs, sweetbreads and other morsels which are
the very essence of luxury. Calf's head is rejected
by the rural buyer, and a Frenchman who had the
phyaiologie du goUt at his finger-ends, declared that
in a country place, not five miles from New York,
he gave luxurious dinners on what the butcher threw
away.
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230 HANNEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
CHAPTER XXVI.
LUNCHEONS, INFOEMAL AND SOCIAL.
The informal lunch is perhaps less understood in
this country than in any other, because it is rarely
necessary. In the country it is called early dinner,
children's dinner, or ladies' dinner ; in the city, when
the gentlemen are all down town, then blossoms out
the elaborate ladies' lunch.
But in England, at a country house, and indeed in
London, luncheon is a recognized and very delightful
meal, at which the most distinguished men and wom-
en meet over a joint and a cherry tart, and talk and
laugh for an hour without the restraint of the late
and formal dinner.
It occupies a prominent place in the history of
hospitality, and Lord Houghton, among others, was
famous for his unceremonious lunches. As it is un-
derstood to be an informal meal, the invitations are
generally sent only a short time before the day for
which the recipient is invited, and are written in the
first person. Lord Houghton's were apt to be simply,
" Come and lunch with me to-morrow." At our prom-
inent places of summer resort, ladies who have houses
of their own generally give their male friends a carte
hlanche invitation to luncheon. They are expected
to avail themselves of it without ceremony, and at
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INFORMAL LUNCHEONS. 231
Newport the table is always laid with the "extra
knife and fork," or two or three, as may be thought
necessary. Ladies, however, should be definitely asked
to this meal as to others.
It is a very convenient meal, as it permits of an
irregular number, of a superfluity of ladies or gentle-
men ; it is chatty and easy, and is neither troublesome
nor expensive.
The hour of luncheon is stated, but severe punct-
uality is not insisted upon. A guest who is told that
he may drop in at half -past one o'clock every day will
be forgiven if he comes as late as two.
Ladies may come in in their hats or bonnets ; gen-
tlemen in lawn-tennis suits, if they wish. It is in-
cumbent upon the hostess but not upon the host
to be present. It is quite immaterial where the
guests sit, and they go in separately, not arm -in-
arm.
Either white or colored table-cloths are equally
proper, and some people use the bare mahogany, but
this is unusual.
The most convenient and easy-going luncheons are
served from the buffet or side-table, and the guests
help themselves to cold ham, tongue, roast beef, etc.
The fruit and wine and bread should stand on the
table.
Each chair has in front of it two plates, a napkin
with bread, two knives, two forks and spoons, a small
salt-cellar, and three glasses — a tumbler for water, a
claret glass, and a sherry glass.
Bouillon is sometimes offered in summer, but not
often. If served well, it should be in cups. Dishes
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232 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
of dressed salad, a cold fowl, game, or hot chops, can
be put before the hostess or passed by the servant.
Soup and fish are never offered at these luncheons.
Some people prefer a hot lunch, and chops, birds on
toast, or a beefsteak, with mashed potatoes, asparagus,
or green pease, are suitable dishes.
It is proper at a country place to offer a full lunch-
eon, or to have a cold joint on the sideboard; and
after the more serious part of the luncheon has been
removed, the hostess can dismiss the servants, and
serve the ice-cream or tart herself, with the assistance
of her guests. Clean plates, knives, and forks should
be in readiness.
In England a "hot joint" is always served from
the sideboard. In fact, an English luncheon is ex-
actly what a plain American dinner was formerly — a
roast of mutton or beef, a few vegetables, a tart, some
fruit, and a glass of sherry. But we have changed
the practice considerably, and now our luxurious coun-
try offers nothing plain.
In this country one waiter generally remains dur-
ing the whole meal, and serves the table as he would
at dinner — only with less ceremony. It is perfectly
proper at luncheon for any one to rise and help him-
self to what he wishes.
Tea and coffee are never served after luncheon
in the drawing-room or dining-room. People are
not expected to remain long after luncheon, as the
lady of the house may have engagements for the
afternoon.
In many houses the butler arranges the luncheon-
table with flowers or fruit, plates of thin bread-and-
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MATERIALS FOR LUNCHEONS. 233
butter, jellies, creams, cakes, and preserves, a dish of
cold salmon mayonnaise, and decanters of sherry and
claret. He places a cold ham or chicken on the side-
board, and a pitcher of ice-water on a side-table, and
then leaves the dining-room, and takes no heed of the
baser wants of humanity until dinner-time. An under-
man or footman takes the place of this lofty being,
and waits at table.
In more modest houses, where there is only a maid-
servant or one man, all arrangements for the lunch-
eon and for expected guests should be made immedi-
ately after breakfast.
If the children dine with the family at luncheon,
it, of course, becomes an important meal, and should
include one hot dish and a simple dessert.
It is well for people living in the country, and with
a certain degree of style, to study up the methods of
making salads and cold dishes, for these come in so
admirably for luncheon that they often save a hostess
great mortification. By attention to small details a
very humble repast may be most elegant. A silver
bread-basket for the thin slices of bread, a pretty
cheese-dish, a napkin around the cheese, pats of but-
ter in a pretty dish, flowers in vases, fruits neatly
served — these things cost little, but they add a zest
to the pleasures of the table.
If a hot luncheon is served, it is not etiquette to put
the vegetables on the table as at dinner ; they should
be handed by the waiter. The luncheon-table is al-
ready full of the articles for dessert, and there is no
place for the vegetables. The hot entries or cold en-
tries are placed before the master or mistress, and
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234 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
each guest is asked what he prefers. The whole
aspect of luncheon is thus made perfectly informal.
If a lady gives a more formal lunch, and has it
served d la Musse, the first entree — ^let us say chops
and green pease — is handed by the waiter, commen-
cing with the lady who sits on the right hand of the
master of the house. This is followed by vegetables.
Plates having been renewed, a salad and some cold
ham can be offered. The waiter fills the glasses with
sherry, or offers claret. When champagne is served
at lunch, it is immediately after the first dish has
been served, and claret and sherry are not then given
unless asked for.
After the salad a fresh plate, with a dessert-spoon
and small fork upon it, is placed before each person.
The ice-cream, pie, or pudding is then placed in front
of the hostess, who cuts it, and puts a portion on
, each plate. After these dainties have been discussed,
a glass plate, serviette^ and finger-bowl are placed be-
fore each guest for fruit. The servant takes the plate
from his mistress after she has filled it, and hands it
to the lady of first consideration, and so on. When
only members of the family are present at luncheon,
the mistress of the house is helped first.
Fruit tarts, pudding, sweet omelette, jellies, blanc-
mange, and ice-cream are all proper dessert for lunch-
eon; also luncheon cake, or the plainer sorts of loaf-
cake.
It is well in all households, if possible, for the chil-
dren to breakfast and lunch with their parents. The
teaching of table manners cannot be begun too soon.
But children should never be allowed to trouble
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LUNCHEON SERVICE. 235
guests. If not old enough to behave well at table,
guests should not be invited to the meals at which
they are present. It is very trying to parents, guests,
and servants.
When luncheon is to be an agreeable social repast,
which guests are expected to share, then the children
should dine elsewhere. No mother succeeds better
in the rearing of her children than she who has a
nursery dining-room, where, under her own eye, her
bantlings are properly fed. It is not so much trouble,
either, as one would think.
Table mats are no longer used in stylish houses,
either at luncheon or at dinner. The waiter should
have a coarse towel in the butler's pantry, and wipe
each dish before he puts it on the table.
Menu-cards are never used at luncheon. Salt-cel-
lars and small water carafes may be placed up and
down the luncheon-table.
In our country, where servants run away and leave
their mistress when she is expecting guests, it is well to
be able to improvise a dish from such materials as may
be at hand. Nothing is better than a cod mayonnaise.
A cod boiled in the morning is a friend in the after-
noon. When it is cold remove the skin and bones.
For sauce put some thick cream in a porcelain sauce-
pan, and thicken it with corn-flour which has been
mixed with cold water. When it begins to boil, stir
in the beaten yolks of two eggs. As it cools, beat it
well to prevent it from becoming lumpy, and when
nearly cold, stir in the juice of two lemons, a little
tarragon vinegar, a pinch of salt, and a soup^on of
Cayenne pepper. Peel and slice some very ripe toma-
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236 MANNEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
toes or cold potatoes; steep them in vinegar, with Cay-
enne, powdered ginger, and plenty of salt; lay these
around the fish, and cover with the cream sauce.
This makes a very elegant cold dish for luncheon.
The tomatoes or potatoes should be taken out of the
vinegar and carefully drained before they are placed
around the fish.
Some giblets carefully saved from the ducks, geese,
or chickens of yesterday's dinner should be stewed in
good beef stock, and then set away to cool. Put them
in a stewpan with dried split pease, and boil them
until they are reduced to pulp; serve this mixture
hot on toast, and, if properly flavored with salt and
pepper, you have a good luncheon dish.
Vegetable salads of beet-root, potatoes, and lettuce
are always delicious, and the careful housewife who
rises early in the morning and provides a round of
cold corned beef, plenty of bread, and a luncheon cake,
need not regret the ephemeral cook, or fear the coming
city guest.
Every country housewife should learn to garnish
dishes with capers, a border of water - cresses, plain
parsley, or vegetables cut into fancy forms.
Potatoes,' eggs, and cold hashed meats, in their un-
adorned simplicity, do not come under the head of
luxuries. But if the hashed meat is carefully warmed
and well flavored, and put on toast, if the potatoes are
chopped and browned and put around the meat, if the
eggs are boiled, sliced, and laid around as a garnish,
and a few capers and a border of parsley added, you
have a Delmonico ragout that Brillat-Savarin would
have enjoyed.
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FORKS AND SPOONS. 237
CHAPTER XXVIL
THE FORK AND THE SPOON.
A CORRESPONDENT writes, "How sliall I carry my
fork to pay mouth?" The fork should be raised lat-
erally to the mouth with the right hand ; the elbow
should never be crooked, so as to bring the hand round
at a right angle, or the fork directly opposite the
mouth. The mother cannot begin too early to incul-
cate good manners at the table, and among the first
things that young children should learn is the proper
use of the fork.
Again, the fork should not be overloaded. To take
meat and vegetables and pack them on the poor fork,
as if it were a beast of burden, is a common Amer-
ican vulgarity, born of our hurried way of eating at
railway- stations and hotels. But it is an unhealthy
and an ill-mannered habit. To take but little on
the fork at a time, a moderate mouthful, shows good
manners and refinement. The knife must never be
put into the mouth at any time — ^that is a remnant of
barbarism.
Another correspondent asks, " Should cheese be eat-
en with a fork ?" We say, decidedly, " Yes," although
good authorities declare that it may be put on a morsel
of bread with a knife, and thus conveyed to the mouth.
Of course we refer to the soft cheeses — ^like Gargon-
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238 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
zola, Brie, cream-cheese, Neuf cbatel, Limburger, and
the like — ^which are hardly more manageable than but-
ter. Of the hard cheeses, one may convey a morsel to
the mouth with the thumb and forefinger ; but, as a
general rule, it is better to use the fork.
Now as to the spoon : it is to be used for soup, for
strawberries and cream, for all stewed fruit and pre-
serves, and for melons, which, from their juiciness,
cannot be conveniently eaten with a fork. Peaches and
cream, all the " wet dishes," as Mrs. Glasse was wont
to call them, must be eaten with a spoon. Roman
punch is always eaten with a spoon.
On elegant tables, each plate or "cover" is ac-
companied by two large silver knives, a small silver
knife and fork for fish, a small fork for the oysters
on the half-shell, a large table-spoon for soup, and
three large forks. The napkin is folded in the centre,
with a piece of bread in it. As the dinner progresses,
the knife and fork and spoon which have been used
are taken away with the plate. This saves confusion,
and the servant has not to bring fresh knives and forks
all the time. Fish should be eaten with silver knife and
fork ; for if it is full of bones, like shad, for instance, it
is very diflGlcult to manage it without the aid of a knife.
For sweetbreads, cutlets, roast beef, etc., the knife
is also necessary ; but for the craqtcettes, rissoles, bou-
chies d la Beine, timbdles, and dishes of that class, the
fork alone is needed. A majority of the made dishes
in which the French excel are to be eaten with the
fork.
After the dinner has been eaten, and the dessert
reached, we must see to it that everything is cleared
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USES OF THE FOBK. 239
off but the table-cloth, which is now never removed.
A dessert -plate is put before each guest, and a gold
or silver spoon, a silver dessert spoon and fork, and
often a queer little combination of fork and spoon,
called an "ice-spoon."
In England, strawberries are always served with
the green stems, and each one is taken up with the
fingers, dipped in sugar, and thus eaten. Many for-
eigners pour wine over their strawberries, and then
eat them with a fork, but this seems to be detrimental
to the natural flavor of the king of berries.
Pears and apples should be peeled with a silver
knife, cut into quarters, and then picked up with the
fingers. Oranges should be peeled, and cut or sepa-
rated, as the eater chooses. Grapes should be eaten
from behind the half -closed hand, the stones and skin
falling into the fingers unobserved, and thence to the
plate. Never swaUow the stones of small fruits; it is
extremely dangerous. The pineapple is almost the
only fruit which requires both knife and fork.
So much has the fork come into use of late that a
wit observed that he took everything with it but af-
ternoon tea. The thick chocolate, he observed, often
served at afternoon entertainments, could be eaten
comfortably with a fork, particularly the whipped
cream on top of it.
A knife and fork are both used in eating salad, if it
is not cut up before serving. A large lettuce leaf can-
not be easily managed without a knife, and of course
the fork must be used to carry it to the mouth. Thus,
as bread, butter, and cheese are served with the salad,
the salad knife and fork are really essential.
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240 HANNEBS Am> SOCIAL USAGES.
Salt-cellars are now placed at each plate, and it is
not improper to take salt with your knife.
Dessert-spoons and small forks do not form a part
of the original " cover ;" that is, they are not put on
at the beginning of the dinner, but are placed before
the guests according as they are needed ; as, for in-
stance, when the Roman punch arrives before the
game, and afterwards when the plum -pudding or
pastry is served before the ices.
The knives and forks are placed on each side of the
plate, ready for the hand.
For the coffee after dinner a very small spoon is
served, as a large one would be out of place in the
small cups that are used. Indeed, the variety of forks
and spoons now in use on a well-furnished table is as-
tonishing.
One of our esteemed correspondents asks, "How
much soup should be given to each person?" A half-
ladlef ul is quite enough, unless it is a country dinner,
where a full ladleful may be given without offence;
but do not fill the soup-plate.
In carving a joint of fowl the host ought to make
sure of the condition of both knife and fork. Of course
a good carver sees to both before dinner. The knife
should be of the best cutlery, well sharpened, and the
fork long, strong, and furnished with a guard.
In using the spoon be very careful not to put it too
far into the mouth. It is a fashion with children to
polish their spoons in a somewhat savage fashion,
but the guest at a dinner-party should remember, in
the matter of the dessert-spoon especially (which is a
rather large implement for the mouth), not to allow
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THE SPOON. 241
even the clogging influences of cabinet pudding to
induce him to give his spoon too much leeway; as
in all etiquette of the table, the spoon has its difficul-
ties and dangers. Particularly has the soup-spoon its
Scylla and Charybdis, and if a careless eater make a
hissing sound as he eats his soup, the well-bred diner-
out looks round with dismay.
There are always people happy in their fashion of
eating, as in everything else. There is no such infal-
lible proof of good-breeding and of early usage as the
conduct of a man or woman at dinner. But, as every
one has not had the advantage of early training, it is
well to study these minute points of table etiquette,
that one may learn how to eat without offending the
sensibility of the well^red. Especially study the fork
and the spoon. There is, no doubt, a great diversity
of opinion on the Continent with regard to the fork.
It is a common German fashion, even with princes,
to put the knife into the mouth. Italians are not al-
ways particular as to its use, and cultivated Russians,
Swedes, Poles, and Danes often eat with their knives
or forks indiscriminately.
But Austria, which follows French fashions, the
Anglo-Saxon race in England, America, and the colo-
nies, all French people, and those elegant Russians
who emulate French manners, deem the fork the prop-
er medium of communication between the plate and
the mouth.
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242 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
CHAPTER XXVIIL
NAPKINS AND TABLE-CLOTHS.
The elegance of a table depends essentially upon its
napery. The plainest of meals is made a banquet if
the linen be fresh, fine, and smooth, and the most
sumptuous repast can be ruined by a soiled and crum-
pled table-cloth. The housewife who wishes to con-
duct her house in elegance must make up her mind
to use five or six sets of napkins, and to have several
dozens of each ready for possible demands.
A napkin should never be put on the table a second
time until it has been rewashed ; therefore, napkin-
rings should be abandoned— relegated to the nursery
tea-table.
Breakfast napkins are of a smaller size than dinner
napkins, and are very pretty if they bear the initial
letter of the family in the centre. Those of fine,
double damask, with a simple design, such as a snow-
drop or a mathematical figure, to match the table-
cloth, are also pretty. In the end, the economy in
the wear pays a young house-keeper to invest well in
the best of napery — double damask, good Irish linen.
Never buy poor or cheap napkins ; they are worn out
almost immediately by washing.
Coarse, heavy napkins are perhaps proper for the
nursery and children's table. If children dine with
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TABLE LINEN. 243
their parents, they should have a special set of nap-
kins for their use, and some very careful mammas
make these with tapes to tie around the youthful
necks. It is better in a large family, where there
are children, to have heavy and coarse table-linen for
every-day use. It is not an economy to buy colored
cloths, for they must be washed as often as if they
were white, and no color stands the hard usage of the
laundry as well as pure white.
Colored napery is, therefore, the luxury of a well-
appointed country house, and has its use in making
the breakfast and luncheon table look a little unlike
the dinner. Never use a parti -colored damask for
the dinner-table.
Those breakfast cloths of pink, or yellow, or light-
blue and white, or drab, are very pretty with napkins
to match ; but after having been washed a few times
they become very dull in tint, and are not as agreea-
ble to the eye as white, which grows whiter with
every summer's bleaching. Ladies who live in the
city should try to send all their napery to the coun-
try at least once a year, and let it lie on the grass
for a good bleaching. It seems to keep cleaner after-
wards.
For dinner, large and handsome napkins, carefully
ironed and folded simply, with a piece of bread in-
side, should lie at each plate. These should be re-
moved when the fruit course is brought, and with each
finger-bowl should be a colored napkin, with which
to dry the fingers.
Pretty little fanciful doyleys are now also put under
the finger-bowl, merely to be looked at. Embroidered
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244 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
with quaint designs, these little three-inch things are
very ornamental ; but the real and serviceable doyley
should not be forgotten, and may be laid either beside
or over the top of the finger-bowl.
Many ladies are so extravagant that they have a
second napkin of small size put on for that part of
the dessert which precedes the fruit, but this involves
so much trouble to both the guest and the waiter that
it is not ordinarily done.
The napkins made at Berlin, with drawn thread and
knotted fringe and lace effects, are very handsome.
They are also made at the South Kensington schools,
and in Paris, and by the Decorative Art Society in New
York, and are beautifully wrought with monogram
and crest in red, white, and blue thread. But no napkin
is ever more thoroughly elegant than the very thick,
fine, and substantial plain damask, which becomes
more pure and smooth every time that it is cleansed.
However, as one of our great dinner-givers in New
York has ordered twenty-four dozen of the handsome,
drawn-thread napkins from one establishment at Ber-
lin, we must conclude that they will become the fashion.
When breakfast is made a formal meal — that is,
when company is invited to come at a stated hour —
serviettes, or large dinner-napkins, must be placed at
each plate, as for a dinner. But they are never used
at a " stand-up " breakfast, nor are doyleys or finger-
bowls.
If any accident happens, such as the spilling of a
glass of wine or the upsetting of a plate, the debris
should be carefully cleared away, and the waiter
should spread a clean napkin over the desecrated
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NAPKINS. 245
table-cloth. Large, white napkins are invariably used
at luncheon, and the smaller ones kept for breakfast
and tea. Some ladies like the little, fringed napkins
for tea, but to look well these must be very carefully
washed and ironed.
Never fasten your napkin around your neck ; lay it
across your knees, convenient to the hand, and lift one
corner only to wipe the mouth. Men who wear a
mustache are permitted to "saw" the mouth with the
napkin, as if it were a bearing-rein, but for ladies this
would look too masculine.
Napkins at hotels are now folded, in a half-wet
condition, into all sorts of shapes : a goose, a swan, a
ship, a high boot, are all favorite and fanciful designs ;
but this is a dirty fashion, requiring the manipulation
of hands which are not always fresh, and as the nap-
kin must be damp at the folding, it is not always dry
when shaken out. Nothing is so unhealthy as a damp
napkin; it causes agony to a delicate and nervpus lady,
a man with the rose-cold, a person with neuralgia or
rheumatism, and is offensive to every one. Never al-
low a napkin to be placed on the table until it has been
well aired. There is often a conspiracy between the
waiter and the laundress in great houses, both wishing
to shirk work, the result of which is that the napkins,
not prepared at the proper time, are put on the table
damp.
A house-keeper should have a large chest to contain
napery which is not to be used every day. This re-
served linen should be washed and aired once a year
at least, to keep it from moulding and becoming yellow.
Our Dutch ancestors were very fond of enriching
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246 MANNEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
a chest of this kind^ and many housewives in New
York and Albany are to-day using linen brought from
Holland three hundred years ago.
The napery made in Ireland has, however, in our
day taken the place of that manufactured in other
countries. It is good, cheap, and sometimes very
handsome, and if it can be bought unadulterated with
cotton it will last many years.
Very little starch should be put in napkins. No
one wishes to wipe a delicate lip on a board, and a
stiff napkin is very like that commodity.
At dinner-parties in England, in the days of William
the Fourth, a napkin was handed with each plate. As
the guest took his plate and new napkin, he allowed
the one which he had used to fall to the floor, and
when he went away from the table he left a snowy
pile of napery behind him.
The use of linen for the table is one of the oldest
of fashions. The early Italian tables were served with
such beautiful lace -worked napkins that we cannot
equal them to-day. Queen Elizabeth's napkins were
edged with lace made in Flanders, and were an im-
portant item of expense in her day-book.
Fringed, embroidered, and colored napkins made of
silk are used by Chinese and Japanese magnates.
These articles may be washed, and are restored to
their original purity by detergent agents that are un-
known to us. The Chinese also use little napkins of
paper, which are very convenient for luncheon baskets
and picnics.
One of our correspondents asks us if she should fold
her napkin before leaving the table.
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THB EMBROIDEBED DOYLE Y. 247
At a fashionable meal, no. At a social tea or break-
fast, yes, if her hostess does so. There is no absolute
law on this subject.
' At a fashionable dinner ho one folds his napkin.
He lets it drop to the floor, or lays it by the side of
his plate unfolded. When the fruit napkin is brought
he takes it from the glass plate on which it is laid,
and either places it at his right hand or across his
knee, and the "illuminated rag," as some wit called
the little embroidered doyley, which is not meant for
use, is, after having been examined and admired, laid
on the table, beside the finger-bowl. These pretty
little trifles can serve several times the purpose of or-
namenting the finger-bowl.
Napkins, when laid away in a chest or drawer,
should have some pleasant, cleanly herb like lavender
or sweet-grass, or the old-fashioned clover, or bags of
Oriental orris-root, put between them, that they may
come to the table smelling of these delicious scents.
Nothing is more certain to destroy the appetite of
a nervous dyspeptic than a napkin that smells of
greasy soap. There is a laundry soap now in use
which leaves a very unpleasant odor in the linen, and
napkins often smell so strongly of it as to take away
the desire for food.
Perhaps the influence of Delmonico upon the public
has been in nothing more strongly shown than in the
effect produced by his always immaculate napery. It
was not common in American eating-houses, when he
began, to offer clean table-cloths and clean napkins.
Now no decent diner will submit to any other than a
clean napkin.
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248 HANNEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
Every lady, therefore, who aspires to elegant house-
keeping, should remember that she must never allow
the same napkin to be put on her table twice. Once
used, it must be sent to the laundry before it is put
on the table again.
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SERVANTS IN COLONIAL TIMES. 249
CHAPTER XXIX.
SERVANTS, THEIR DRESS AND DUTIES.
•
As we read that a West Point hotel-keeper has re-
cently dismissed all his waiters who would not shave
off their mustaches, we must begin to believe that the
heretofore heedless American is considering the ap-
pearance of his house and carriage-servants. In the
early days of the republic, before Thomas Jefferson
tied his horse's rein to the palings of the fence and
sauntered into the Capitol to be inaugurated, the
aristocrats of the various cities had a livery for their
servants. But after such a dash of cold water in the
face of established usage by the Chief Magistrate of
the country, many of the old forms and customs of
Colonial times fell into disuse, and among others the
wearing of a livery by serving -men. A constantly
declining grjide of shabbiness was the result of this,
as the driver of the horses wore a coat and hat of the
same style as his master, only less clean and new.
Like many of our American ideas so good in theory,
the outcome of this attempt at "Liberty, Equality,
and Fraternity," was neither conducive to neatness
nor elegance.
But so strongly was the prejudice against liveries
instilled into the public mind that only seven years
ago a gentleman of the most aristocratic circle of aris-
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250 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
tocratic Philadelphia declared that he refrained from
having a liveried servant behind his carriage from fear
of shocking public opinion. In New York the presence
of a large, foreign, social element long ago brought
about a revulsion of opinion in this^atter, and now
most persons who desire a neat, plain, and appropriate'
style of dress for their coachmen and footmen put
them in a lively, for, which the master pays. Those
who are particular in such matters do not allow a wait-
er or a footman to wear a mustache, and require all
men-servants to be clean-shaven, except the coachman,
who is permitted to wear whiskers. Each must have
his hair cut short, and the waiter must wear white
gloves while waiting at table or when handing re-
freshments ; even a glass of water on a silver salver
must be brought with a gloved hand.
Many ladies have much trouble in impressing upon
their men-servants the necessity for personal neat-
ness. The ordinary attire of a butler is a black
dress-coat, with white cravat and white cotton gloves.
A waiter who attends the door in a large estab-
lishment, and who is one of many servants, is usually
in a quiet livery — a frock-coat with brass buttons,
and a striped waistcoat. Some families affect the
scarlet waistcoat for their footman, which, indeed,
may be used with very good effect for the negro
servant.
Neatness is indispensable; a slovenly and inattentive
servant betrays a slovenly household. Yet servants
often do their employers great injustice. They are
slow to respond to the bell, they give uncivil answers,
they deny one person and admit another, they fail to
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TEACHINa OF SEBYANTS. 251
deliver notes, they are insolent, they neglect the or-
ders of the mistress when she is out. We cannot ex-
pect perfection in our domestic service, but it is pos-
sible, by painstaking and patient teaching, to create a
respectable and helpful serving class. Servants are
very apt to take their tone from their employers — ^to
be civil if tjiey are civil, and insolent if they are in-
solent. The head of the house is very apt to be cop-
ied by his flunkies. One primal law we must mention
— a hostess should never reprove her servants in the
presence of her guests; it is cruel both to guest and
servant, and always shows the hostess in an unamiable
light. Whatever may go wrong, the lady of the
house should remain calm ; if she is anguished, who
can be happy ?
We have not here, nominally, that helpful treasure
known in England as the parlor-maid. We call her
a waitress, and expect her to do all the work of one
floor. Such a person can be trained by a good house-
keeper to be a most admirable servant. She must be
told to rise early, to attend to the sweeping of the
door-steps, to open the blinds, to light the fires, and
to lay the breakfast-table. She must appear in a neat
calico dress, white apron and cap, and wait upon the
family at breakfast. After breakfast, the gentlemen
will expect her to brush their hats, to bring overcoats
and overshoes, and to find the umbrellas. She must
answer the door-bell as well, so should be nimble-foot-
ed and quick-witted. When breakfast is over, she must
remove the dishes and wash them, clean the silver, and
prepare for the next meal. In well-regulated house-
holds there is a day for sweeping, a day for silver-
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252 MANNEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
cleaning, a day for mirror-polishing, and another for
making bright and neat the fireplaces; but each one
of these duties requires a certain share of attention
every day. The parlor must be dusted, and the fires
attended to, of course, so the parlor-maid, or the wait-
ress, in a large family has much to do. The best girls
for this arduous situation are English, but they are
very difficult to procure. The Germans are not apt
to remain long with one family. The best available
parlor -maids are Irishwomen who have lived some
time in this country.
A servant often sins from ignorance, therefore time
spent in teaching her is not wasted. She should be
supplied with such utensils as facilitate work, and
one very good house-keeper declares that the virtue
of a waitress depends upon an infinity of crash. And
there is no doubt that a large supply of towels is a
constant suggestion of cleanliness that is a great moral
support to a waitress.
In these days, when parlors are filled with bric-^-
brac, a parlor-maid has no time to do laundry-work,
except such part of it as may pertain to her per-
sonally. The best of all arrangements is to hire a
laundress, who will do all the washing of the house.
Even in a very economical household this has been
found to be the best plan, otherwise there is always
an unexplained delay when the bell rings. The ap-
pearance at the door of a dishevelled maid, with arms
covered with soapsuds, is not ornamental. If a cook
can be found who will also undertake to do the wash-
ing and ironing, it is a better and more satisfactory
arrangement. But in our growing prosperity this
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SERVANT AND MISTRESS. 253
functionary has assumed new and extraordinary im-
portance, and will do nothing but cook.
A young house-keeper beginning her life in a great
city finds herself frequently confronted with the ne-
cessity of having four servants — 2l cook, a laundress, a
waiter or parlor-maid (sometimes both), and a cham-
ber-maid. None of these excellent auxiliaries is will-
ing to do the other's work: they generally quarrel. So
the first experience of house-keeping is not agreeable.
But it is possible to find two servants who, if proper-
ly trained, will do all the service of a small family,
and do it well.
The mistress must carefully define the work of
each, or else hire them with the understanding that
neither shall ever say, " This is not my work." It is
sometimes quite impossible to define what is the exact
duty of each servant. Our house - keeping in this
country is so chaotic, and our frequent changes of
house and fortune cause it to partake so much of the
nature of a provisional govenmjent, that every wom-
an must be a Louis Napoleon, and ready for a coup
cTetat at any moment.
The one thing which every lady must firmly de-
mand from her servants is respect. The harassed and
troubled American woman who has to cope with the
worst servants in the world — the ill-trained, incapa-
ble, and vicious peasantry of Europe, who come here
to be " as good as anybody," and who see that it is
easily possible to make a living in America whether
they are respectful or not — that woman has a very
arduous task to perform.
But she must gain at least outward respect by in-
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254 MANN£SS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
listing upon having it, and by showing her servants
that she regards it as even a greater desideratum
than the efficient discharge of duties. The mistress
must not lose her temper. She must be calm, im-
pertutbable, and dignified, always. If she gives an
order, she must insist, at whatever personal cost, that
it shall be obeyed. Pertinacity and inflexibility on
this point are well bestowed.
Where there are children, the nurse is, of course, a
most important part of the household, and often gives
more trouble than any of the other servants, for she
is usually an elderly person, impatient of control, and
" set in her ways." The mistress must make her obey
at once. Nurses are only human, and can be made to
conform to the rules by which humanity is governed.
Ladies have adopted for their nurses the French
style of dress — dark stuflp gowns, white aprons, and
caps. French nurses are, indeed, very much the fash-
ion, as it is deemed all-important that children should
learn to speak French as soon as they can articulate.
But it is so difficult to find a French nurse who will
speak the truth that many mothers have renounced
the accomplished Gaul and hired the Anglo-Saxon,
who is often not more veracious.
No doubt there was better service when servants
were fewer, and when the mistress looked well after
the ways of her household, and performed certain do-
mestic duties herself. In those early days it was she
who made the best pastry and sweetmeats. It was
she who wrought at the quilting-f rame and netted the
best bed-curtains. It was she who darned the table-
cloth, with a neatness and exactness that made the
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CIVILITY OP SEBVANTS. 265
very imperfection a beauty. It was she who made
the currant wine and the blackberry cordial. She
knew all the secrets of clear starching, and taught the
ignorant how to do their work through her educated
intelligence. She had, however, native Americans to
teach, and not Irish, Germans, or Swedes. Now, few
native-born Americans will become servants, and the
difficulties of the mistress are thereby increased.
A servant cannot be too carefully taught her duty
to visitors. Having first ascertained whether her mis-
tress is at home or not, in order to save a lady the
trouble of alighting from her carriage, she should an-
swer the ring of the door-bell without loss of time.
She should treat all callers with respect and civility,
but at the same time she should be able to discrimi-
nate between friend and foe, and not unwarily admit
those innumerable cheats, frauds, and beggars who,
in a respectable garb, force an entrance to one's house
for the purpose of theft, or perhaps to sell a cement
for broken crockery, or the last thing in hair-dye.
Conscientious servants who comprehend their du-
ties, and who try to perform them, should, after a cer-
tain course of discipline, be allowed to follow their
own methods of working. Interference and fault-
finding injure the temper of an inferior, while sus-
picion is bad for anybody, and especially operates
against the making of a good servant.
To assure your servants that you believe them to
be honest is to fix in thein the habit of honesty. To
respect their rights, their hours of recreation, their
religion, their feelings, to wish them good-night and
good-morning (after the pretty German fashion), to
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256 HANNEB8 AMD SOCIAL USAGES.
assist them in the writing of their letters and in the
proper investment of their earnings, to teach them to
read and write and to make their clothes, so that they
may be useful to themselves when they leave servitude
— all this is the pleasurable duty of a good mistress,
and such a course makes good servants.
All ignorant natures seek a leader; all servants
like to be commanded by a strong, honest, fair, judi-
cious mistress. They seek her praise ; they fear her
censure, not as slaves dread the whip of the tyrant,
but as soldiers respect their superior officer. Bad
temper, injustice, and tyranny make eye-service, but
not heart-service.
Irresolute persons who do not know their own
minds, and cannot remember their own orders, make
very poor masters and mistresses. It is better that
they should give up the business of house-keeping,
and betake themselves to the living in hotels or
boarding-houses with which our English cousins
taunt us, little knowing that the nomadic life they
condemn is the outcome of their own failure to make
good citizens of those offscourings of jail and poor-
house and Irish shanty which they send to us under
the guise of domestic servants.
Familiarity with servants always arouses their con-
tempt; a mistress can be kind without being familiar.
She must remember that the servant looks up to her
over the great gulf of a different condition of life and
habit — over the great gulf of ignorance, and that, in
the order of nature, she should respect not only the
person in authority, but the being, as superior to her-
self. This salutary influence is thrown away if the
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FAHILUBITY WITH SEBVANTS. 257
mistress descend to familiarity and intimacy. Cer-
tain weak mistresses vary their attitude towards their
servants, first assuming a familiarity of manner which
is disgusting, and which the servant does not mistake
for kindness, and then a tyrannical severity which is
as unreasonable as the familiarity, and, like it, is only
a spasm of an ill-regulated mind.
Servants should wear thin shoes in the house, and
be told to step lightly, not to slam doors, or drop
china, or to rattle forks and spoons. A quiet servant
is the most certain of domestic blessings. Neatness,
good manners, and faithfulness have often insured a
stupid servant of no great efficiency a permanent
home with a family. If to these qualities be added
a clear head, an active body, and a respectful manner,
we have that rare article — a perfect servant.
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258 MANNEKS AND SOCIAL IISAQBS.
CHAPTER XXX.
THE HOUSE WITH ONE SEEVANT.
Many large families in this country employ but
one servant. Although when life was simpler it was
somewhat easier than it is now to conduct a house
with such assistance as may be offered by a maid-of-
all-work, it was necessary even then for the ladies of
the house to do some portion of the lighter domestic
work.
It is a very good plan, when there are several
daughters in the family, to take turns each to test
her talent as a house-keeper and organizer. If, how-
ever, the mistress keep the reins in her own hands,
she can detail one of these young ladies to sweep
and dust the parlors, another to attend to the break-
fast dishes, another to make sure that the maid has
not neglected any necessary cleansing of the bed-
rooms.
A mother with young children must have a thor-
oughly defined and understood system for the daily
work to render it possible for one servant to per-
form it all.
The maid must rise very early on Monday morning,
and do some part of the laundry work before break-
fast. Many old American servants (when there were
such) put the clothes in water to soak, and sometimes
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CLEANLINESS OP ATTIRE. 269
to boil, on Sunday night, that night not having the
religious significance in New England that Saturday-
night had.
Nowadays, however, Irish girls expect to have a
holiday every other Sunday afternoon and evening,
and it would probably be vain to expect this service
of them. But at least they should rise by five o'clock,
and do two hours' good work before it is time to
prepare the breakfast and lay the table.
A neat-handed Phyllis will have a clean gown, cap,
and apron hanging in the kitchen closet, and slip them
on before she carries in the breakfast, which she has
cooked and must serve. Some girls show great tact
in this matter of appearing neat at the right time,
but many of them have to be taught by the mistress
to have a clean cap and apron in readiness. The
mistress usually furnishes these items of her maid's
attire, and they should be the property of the mis-
tress, and remain in the family through all changes
of servants. They can be bought at almost any re-
pository conducted in the interest of charity for less
than they can be made at home, and a dozen of them
in a house greatly improves the appearance of the ser-
vants.
The cook, having prepared the breakfast and waited
at table, places in front of her mistress a neat, wooden
tub, with a little cotton-yarn mop and two clean tow-
els, and then retreats to the kitchen with the heavy
dishes and knives and forks. The lady proceeds to
wash the glass, silver, and china, draining the things
on a waiter, and wiping them on her dainty linen
towels. It is not a disagreeable operation, and all
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260 KANNEB8 AND SOCIAL U8AGBS.
gentlemen say they like to eat and drink from uten-
sils which have been washed by a lady.
Haying put away the glass and china, the lady
shakes the table-cloth, folds it, and puts it away. She
then takes a light brush broom and sweeps the dining-
room, and dusts it carefully, opening a window to
air the apartment. When this is done she sets the
parlor in order. The maid-of -all-work should, in the
mean time, make a visit to the bedrooms, and do the
heavy work of turning mattresses and making beds.
Wh^n this is accomplished she must return to the
kitchen, and after carefully cleaning the pots and
kettles that have been in use for the morning meal,
devote an undivided attention to her arduous duties
as laundress. A plain dinner for washing-day — a
beefsteak and some boiled potatoes, a salad, and a
pie or pudding made on the preceding Saturday — is
all that should be required of a maid-of -all-work on
Monday.
The afternoon must be spent in finishing the wash-
ing, hanging out the clothes, and preparing the tea —
an easy and informal meal, which should consist of
something easy to cook; for, after all that she has done
during the day, this hard-worked girl must "tidy up"
her kitchen before she can enjoy a well-earned repose.
It is so annoying to a maid-of-all-work to be obliged
to open the door for visitors that ladies often have a
little girl or boy for this purpose. In the country it
can be more easily managed.
Tuesday is ironing-day all over the world, and the
maid must be assisted in this time of emergency by
her mistress. Most ladies understand the process of
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BAKING AND COOKING. 261
clear starching and the best method of ironing fine
clothing ; if they do not, they should. In fact, a
good house -keeper should know everything; and
when a lady gives her attention to this class of house-
hold duties she is invariably more successful in per-
forming them than a person of less education and in-
telligence.
On Wednesday the maid must bake a part of the
bread, cake, and pies that will be required during the
week. In this the mistress helps, making the light
pastry, stoning the raisins, washing the currants, and
beating the eggs. Very often a lady fond of cookery
makes all her dainty dishes, her desserts, and her
cakes and pies. She should help herself with all sorts
of mechanical appliances. She should have the best
of egg-beaters, sugar -sifters, bowls in plenty, and
towels and aprons ad libitum. She has, if she be a
systematic house-keeper, a store closet, which is her
pride, with its neat, labelled spice-boxes, and its pots
of pickles and preserves which she has made herself,
and which, therefore, must be nice.
The cooking of meat is a thing which so affects the
health of people that every lady should study it thor-
oughly. No roasts should be baked. The formulary
sounds like a contradiction ; but it is the custom in
houses where the necessity of saving labor is an im-
portant consideration, to put the meat that should be
roasted in the oven and bake it. This is very im-
proper, as it dries up all the juice, which is the life-
giving, lif e^sustaining property of the meat.
Let every young house-keeper buy a Dutch oven,
and either roast the meat before the coals of a good
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262 MANNERS AND 80CIAL USAGES.
wood fire, or before the grating of a range, in which
coals take the place of wood. By this method she
saves those properties of a piece of roast beef which
are the most valuable. Otherwise her roast meat will
be a chip, a tasteless and a dry morsel, unpalatable
and indigestible.
The cooking of vegetables is also to be studied;
potatoes should not be over-boiled or underdone, as
they are exceedingly unhealthy if not properly cooked.
Bread must be well kneaded and delicately baked ; a
woman who understands the uses of fire — and every
householder should — has stolen the secret of Prome-
theus.
On Thursday the maid must sweep the house thor-
oughly, if there are heavy carpets, as this is work for
the strong-armed and the strong-handed. The mis-
tress can follow with the dusting-brush and the cloth,
and, again, the maid may come in her footstep with
step-ladder, and wipe off mirrors and windows.
Many ladies have a different calendar from this,
and prefer to have their work done on different days;
but whatever may be the system for the management
of a house, it should be strictly carried out, and all
the help that may accrue from punctuality and order
rendered to a maid in the discharge of her arduous
and multifarious duties.
Most families have a sort of general house-cleaning
on Friday: floors are scrubbed and brasses cleaned,
the silver given a better cleansing, and the closets
examined, the knives are scoured more thoroughly,
and the lady puts her linen-closet in order, throwing
sweet lavender between the sheets. On Saturday
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OBDERy THE FIRST LAW OP HEAVEN. 263
more bread and cake are baked, the Sunday's dinner
prepared, that the maid may have her Sunday after-
noon out, and the busy week is ended with a clean
kitchen, a well-swept and garnished house, and all the
cooking done except the Sunday meat and vegetables.
To conduct the business of a house through the
week, with three meals each day, and all the work
well done, by one maid, is a very creditable thing to
the mistress. The "order which is Heaven's first
law " must be her chief help in this difficult matter ;
she must be willing to do much of the light work
herself, and she must have a young, strong, willing
maid.
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264 MANNEBS AND SOCIAL USAGSS.
CHAPTER XXXI.
THE HOUSE WITH TWO SERVANTS.
The great problem of the young or middle-aged
house-keeper in large cities is how to form a neat,
happy, comfortable home, and so to order the house
that two servants can accomplish all its work.
These two servants we call the cook and the waiter,
and they must do all that there is to do, including the
washing.
When life was simpler, this was done without mur-
muring; but now it is difficult to find good and
trained servants, particularly in New York, who will
fill such places. For to perform the work of a family
— ^to black the boots, sweep and wash the sidewalk,
attend the door and lay the table, help with the wash-
ing and ironing, and make the fires, as well as sweep
and dust, and take care of the silver — would seem to
require the hands of Briareus.
It is better to hire a girl " for general house-work,"
and train her for her work as waitress, than to take
one who has done nothing else but wait at table. Be
particular, when engaging a girl, to tell her what she
has to do, as many of the lofty kind object particu-
larly to blacking boots ; and as it must be done, it is
better to define it at once.
A girl filling this position should have, first, the ad-
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DUTIES IN GENBEAL HOUSB-WOEK. 265
vantage of system, and the family must keep regular
hours. She must rise at six, or earlier, if necessary,
open the front-door and parlor-blinds, and the dining-
room windows, and then proceed to cleanse the front
steps and sidewalk, polish the bell-pull, and make all
tidy about the mats. She must next make the fires,
if fires are used in the house, and carry down the
ashes, carefully depositing them where they will not
communicate fire. She must then gather the boots
and shoes from the doors of the sleeping-rooms, and
take them to the laundry, where she should brush
them, having a closet there for hfft brushes and black-
ing. Having replaced the boots beside the respective
doors to which they belong, she should make herself
neat and clean, put on her cap and apron, and then
prepare for laying the table for breakfast. This she
does not do until she has brushed up the floor, caused
the fire to bum brightly, and in all respects made the
dining-room respectable.
The laying of the table must be a careful and neat
operation; a clean cloth should be put on, with the fold
regularly running down the middle of the table, the
silver and glass and china placed neatly and in or-
der, the urn-lamp lighted, and the water put to boU,
the napkins fresh and well -folded, and the chairs
drawn up in order on either side. It is well worth
a mistress's while to preside at this work for two
or three mornings, to see that her maid understands
her wishes.
All being in order, the maid may ring a bell, or
knock at the doors, or rouse the family as they may
wish.
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266 HANKEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
When breakfast is over she removes the dishes, and
washes the silver and china in the pantry. After
putting everything away, and opening a window in
the dining-room, she proceeds to the bedrooms.
Every one should, before leaving his bedroom, open
a window and turn back the clothes, to air the room
and the bed thoroughly. If this has been neglected,
it is the servant's business to do it, and to make the
beds, wash the basins, and leave everything very
clean. She must also dust the bureaus and tables
and chairs, hang up the dresses, put away the shoes,
and set everything*hi order.
She then descends to the parlor floor, and makes
it neat, and thence to the kitchen, where, if she has
time, she does a little washing ; but if there is to be
luncheon or early dinner, she cannot do much until
that is prepared, particularly if it is her duty to an-
swer a bell. In a doctor's house, or in a house where
there are many calls, some one to attend exclusively
at the door is almost indispensable.
After the early dinner or lunch, the maid has a few
hours' washing and ironing before getting ready for
the late dinner or tea, which is the important meal
of the day. If she is systematic, and the family are
punctual, a girl can do a great deal of washing and
ironing on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, even
if she has to answer the bell ; but if she is not sys-
tematic, and the meals are not at regular hours, she
cannot do much.
On Thursday, which we have already designated as
sweeping day, she must sweep the whole house, all the
carpets, shake the rugs in the back yard, shake and
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THE DUTIES OF A COOK. 267
sweep down the heavy curtains, and dust the mirror-
frames with a long feather-duster. The mistress can
help her by insisting that her family shall leave their
rooms early, and by herself refusing to see visitors on
sweeping day.
On Friday, in addition to the usual daily work, the
silver must be polished, the brass rubbed, and the
closets (which, in the hurry of the week's work, may
have been neglected), carefully cleaned and ventilated.
On Friday afternoon the napkins and towels should
be washed.
On Saturday these should be ironed, and every-
thing, so far as possible, made ready for Sunday.
The cook, meantime, should rise even earlier than
the waiter; should descend in time to receive the
milkman, the iceman, and the breadman ; should un-
lock the basement-door, sweep out the hall, and take
in the barrels which have been left out with the ashes
and other refuse.
A cook should be instructed never to give away the
beef -dripping, as, if clarified in cold water, it is excel-
lent for frying oysters, etc., and saves butter. The
cook should air the kitchen and laundry, build the fire
in the range, and sweep carefully before she begins
to cook.
A careful house-keeper takes care that her cook shall
make her toilet in her room, not in the kitchen. Par-
ticularly should she be made to arrange her hair up-
stairs, as some cooks have an exceedingly nasty habit
of combing their hair in the kitchen. It will repay
a house-keeper to make several visits to the kitchen
at unexpected hours.
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268 MANNBSS AKD SOCIAL USAGES.
Cooks vary so decidedly in their way of preparing
meals that no general directions can be given; but
the best should be made to follow certain rules, and
the worst should be watched and guarded. A great
cleanliness as to pots and kettles, particularly the tea-
kettle, should be insisted upon, and the closets, pails,
barrels, etc., be carefully watched. Many a case of
typhoid fever can be traced to the cook's slop-pail, or
closets, or sink, and no lady should be careless of look-
ing into all these places.
A cook, properly trained, can get up a good break-
fast out of remains of the dinner of the preceding day,
or some picked-up cod-fish, toast, potatoes sliced and
fried, or mashed, boiled, stewed, or baked. The mak-
ing of good clear coffee is not often understood by
the green Irbh cook. The mistress must teach her
this useful art, and also how to make good tea, al-
though the latter is generally made on the table.
With the sending up of the breakfast comes the
first chance of a collision between cook and waiter ;
and disagreeable, bad-tempered servants make much
of this opportunity. The cook in city houses puts
the dinner on the dumb-waiter and sends it up to the
waiter, who takes it off. All the heavy meat-dishes
and the greasy plates are sent down to the cook to
wash, and herein lies many a grievance which the mis-
tress can anticipate and prevent by forbidding the use
of the dumb-waiter if it leads to quarrelling, and by
making the maids carry all the plates and dishes up
and down. This course of treatment will soon cure
them of their little tempers.
In plain households the cook has much less to do
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SMALL INCOMES V8. H0USB-KEEP1N6. 269
than the waiter ; she should therefore undertake the
greater part of the washing and ironing. Many very
good cooks will do all the washing and ironing except
the table linen and the towels used by the waiter ; and
if this arrangement is made at first, no trouble ensues.
The great trouble in most households comes from the
fact that the work is not definitely divided, and that
one servant declares that the other is imposing upon
her.
If a mistress is fair, honorable, strict, and attentive,
she can thus carry on a large household (if there are
no young children) with two energetic servants. She
cannot, of course, have elegant house-keeping ; it is a
very arduous undertaking to conduct a city house
with the assistance of only two people. Many young
house-keepers become discouraged, and many old ones
do so as well, and send the washing and ironing to a
public laundry. But as small incomes are the rule,
and as most people must economize, it has been done,
and it can be done. The mistress will find it to her
advantage to have a very great profusion of towels
and dusters, and also to supply the kitchen with every
requisite utensil for cooking a good dinner, or for the
execution of the ordinary daily work — such tools as
an ice-hammer, a can-opener, plenty of corkscrews,
a knife-sharpener and several large, strong knives, a
meat-chopper and bread-baskets, stone pots and jars.
The modem refrigerator has simplified kitchen-work*
very much, and no one who has lived long enough to
remember when it was not used can fail to bless its
airy and cool closets and its orderly arrangements.
The "privileges" of these hard -worked servants
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270 MANNSBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
should be respected. " An evening a week, and every
other Sunday afternoon," is a formula not to be for-
gotten. Consider what it is to them ! Perhaps a
visit to a sick sister or mother, a recreation much
needed, a simple pleasure, but one which is to them
what a refreshing book, a visit to the opera, or a drive
in the park, is to their employers. Only a very cruel
mistress will ever fail to keep her promise to a faith-
ful servant on these too infrequent holidays.
The early Sunday dinner is an inconvenience, but
it is due to the girls who count on their "Sunday
out " to have it always punctually given to them.
Many devout Catholics make their church -go-
ing somewhat inconvenient, but they should not be
thwarted in it. It is to them something more than it
is to Protestants, and a devout Catholic is to be re-
spected and believed in. No doubt there are very
bad-tempered and disagreeable girls who make a pre-
tence of religion, but the mistress should be slow to
condemn, lest she wrong one who is sincerely pious.
In sickness, Irish girls are generally kind and ac-
commodating, being themselves unselfish, and are apt
to show a better spirit in a time of trouble than the
Swedes, the Germans, or the Scotch, although the lat-
ter are possessed of more intelligence, and are more
readily trained to habits of order and system. The
warm heart and the confused brain, the want of truth,
t)f the average Irish servant will perplex and annoy
while it touches the sympathies of a woman of gen-
erous spirit.
The women who would make the best house-ser-
vants are New England girls who have been brought
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HOUSB-WOEK NOT DEGRADING. 271
up in poor but comfortable homes. But they will
not be servants. They have imbibed the foolish idea
that the position of a girl who does house -work is
inferior in gentility to that of one who works in a
factory, or a printing-office, or a milliner's shop. It
is a great mistake, and one which fills the country
with incapable wives for the working - man ; for a
woman who cannot make bread or cook a decent din-
ner is a fraud if she marry a poor man who expects
her to do it.
That would be a good and a great woman who
would preach a crusade against this false doctrine —
who would say to the young women of her neighbor-
hood, " I will give a marriage portion to any of you
who will go into domestic service, become good cooks
and waiters, and will bring me your certificates of effi-
ciency at the end of five years."
And if those who employ could have these clear
brains and thrifty hands, how much more would they
be willing to give in dollars and cents a month !
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272 MAKNEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
CHAPTER XXXn.
THE HOUSE WITH MANY SERVANTS.
A LADY who assumes the control of an elegant house
without previous training had better, for a year at
least, employ an English house-keeper, who will teach
her the system necessary to make so many servants
work properly together; for, unless she knows how
to manage them, each servant will be a trouble in-
stead of a help, and there will be no end to that ex-
asperating complaint, " That is not my work."
The English house-keeper is given full power by
her mistress to hire and discharge servants, to ar-
range their meals, their hours, and their duties, so as <
to make the domestic wheels run smoothly, and to
achieve that perfection of service which all who have
stayed in an English house can appreciate. She is a
personage of much importance in the house. She gen-
erally dresses in moire antiquey and is lofty in her man-
ners. She alone, except the maid, approaches the mis-
tress, and receives such general orders as that lady
may choose to give. The house-keeper has her own
room, where she takes her meals alone, or invites those
whom she wishes to eat with her. Thus we see in
English novels that the children sometimes take tea
" in the house-keeper's room." It is generally a com-
fortable and snug place.
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TH£ H0U8E-KSEPEB. 273
But in this country very few such house-keepers
can be found. The best that can be done is to secure
the services of an efficient person content to be a ser-
vant herself, who will be a care-taker, and will train
the butler, the footmen, and the maid-servants in their
respective duties.
Twelve servants are not infrequently employed in
large houses in this country, and in New York and
at Newport often a larger number. These, with the
staff of assistants required to cook and wash for them,
form a large force for a lady to control.
The house-keeper should hire the cook and scullery-
maid, and be responsible for them; she orders the
dinner (if the lady chooses); she gives out the stores;
the house linen" is under her charge, and she must at-
tend to mending and replenishing it ; she must watch
over the china and silver, and every day visit all the
bedrooms to see that the chamber-maids have done
their duty, and that writing-paper and ink and pens
are laid on the tables of invited guests, and that can-
dles, matches, and soap and towels are in their re-
spective places.
A house-keeper should be able to make fine desserts,
and to attend to all the sewing of the family, with
the assistance of a maid — that is, the mending, and
the hemming of the towels, etc. She should be firm
and methodical, with a natural habit of command, and
impartial in her dealings, but strict and exacting;
she should compel each servant to do his duty, as she
represents thQ mistress, and should be invested with
her authority.
It is she who must receive the dessert when it
18
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274 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
comes from the dining-room, watch the half -emptied
bottles of wine, which men-servants nearly always
appropriate for their own use, and be, in all respects,
a watch-dog for her master, as in large families ser-
vants are prone to steal all that may fall in their
way.
Unfortunately a bad house-keeper is worse than
none, and can steal to her heart's content. Such a
one, hired by a careless, pleasure-loving lady in New
York, stole in a twelvemonth enough to live on for
several years.
The house-keeper and the butler are seldom friends,
and consequently many people consider it wise to hire
a married couple competent to perform the duties of
these two positions. If the two are honest, this is an
excellent arrangement.
The butler is answerable for the property put in
his charge, and for the proper performance of the du-
ties of the footmen under his control. He must be
the judge of what men can and should do. He is
given the care of the wine, although every gentleman
should keep the keys, only giving just so much to the
butler as he intends shall be used each day. The plate
is given to the butler, and he is made responsible for
any articles missing; he also sees to the pantry, but
has a maid or a footman to wash the dishes and
cleanse the silver. All the arrangements for dinner
devolve upon him, and when it is served he stands be-
hind his mistress's chair. He looks after the foot-
man who answers the bell, and takes care that he
shall be properly dressed and at his post.
In houses where there are two or three footmen the
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THB lady's-maij>. 276
butler serves breakfast, luncheon, tea, and dinner, as-
sisted by such of his acolytes as he may choose. He
should also wait upon his master, if required, see that
the library and smoking-room are aired and in order,
the newspaper brought in, the magazines cut, and the
paper-knife in its place. Many gentlemen in this
country send their butlers to market, and leave en-
tirely to them the arrangement of the table.
If there is but one footman in a large house, the
butler has a great deal to do, particularly if the family
be a hospitable one. When the footman is out with
the carriage the butler answers the front-door bell,
but in very elegant houses there are generally two
footmen, as this is not strictly the duty of a butler.
A lady's-maid is indispensable to ladies who visit
much, but this class of servant is the most difficult
to manage. Ladies'-maids must be told, when hired,
that they can have no such position in America as
they have in England: that they must make their own
beds, wash their own clothing, and eat with the other
servants. They must be first-rate hair-dres^ers, good
packers of trunks, and understand dress-making and
fine starching, and be amiable, willing, and pleasant.
A woman who combines these qualifications commands
very high wages, and expects, as her perquisite, her
mistress's cast-off dresses.
French maids are in great demand, as they have a
natural taste in all things pertaining to dress and the
toilet, but they are apt to be untruthful and treacher-
ous. If a lady can get a peasant girl from some rural
district, she will find her a most useful and valuable
maid after she has been taught.
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276 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
Many ladies educate some clever girl who has beea
maid for the position of house-keeper, and such a per-
son, who can be trusted to hire an assistant, becomes
invaluable. She often accomplishes all the dress-mak-
ing and sewing for the household, and her salary of
thirty dollars a month is well earned.
As the duties of a lady's-maid, where there are
young ladies, include attending them in the streets and
to parties, she should be a person of unquestioned re-
spectability. The maid should bring up the hot water
for her ladies, and an early cup of tea, piiepare their
bath, assist at their toilet, put their clothes away, be
ready to aid in every change of dress, put out their va-
rious dresses for riding, dining, walking, and for after-
noon tea, dress their hair for dinner, and be ready to find
for them their gloves, shoes, and other belongings.
A maid can be, and generally is, the most disagreea-
ble of creatures; but some ladies have the tact to make
good servants out of most unpromising materials.
The maid, if she does not accompany her mistress
to a party and wait for her in the dressing-room,
should await her arrival at home, assist her to undress,
comb and brush her hair, and get ready the bath. She
should also have a cup of hot tea or chocolate in readi-
ness for her. She must keep her clothes in order,
sew new ruffles in her dresses, and do all the millinery
and di*ess-making required of her.
Very often the maid is required to attend to the
brie 'h' brae and pretty ornaments of the mantel, to
keep fresh flowers in the drawing-room or bedroom,
and, above all, to wash the pet dog. As almost all
women are fond of dogs, this is not a disagreeable
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THE NURSERY GOVERNESS. 277
duty to a French maid, and she gives Fifine his bath
without grumbling. But if she be expected to speak
French to the children, she sometimes rebels, particu-
larly if she and the nurse should not be good friends.
A lady, in hiring a maid, should specify the extra
duties she will be required to perform, and thus give
her the option of refusing the situation. If she ac-
cepts it, she must be made strictly to account for any
neglect or omission of her work. A maid with an
indulgent mistress is free in the evenings, after eight
o'clock, and every Sunday afternoon.
In families where there are many children, two
nurses are frequently required — a head nurse and an
assistant.
The nursery governess is much oftener employed
now in this country than in former years. This posi-
tion is often filled by well-mannered and well-educated
young women, who are the daughters of poor men, and
obliged to earn their own living. These young women,
if they are good and amiable, are invaluable to their
mistresses. They perform the duties of a nurse, wash
and dress the children, eat with them and teach them,
the nursery -maid doing the coarse, rough work of
the nursery. If a good nursery governess can be
found, she is worth her weight in gold to her em-
ployer. She should not eat with the servants ; there
should be a separate table for her and her charges.
This meal is prepared by the kitchen-maid, who is a
very important functionary, almost an under-cook, as
the chief cook in such an establishment as we are de-
scribing is absorbed in the composition of the grand
dishes and dinners.
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278 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
The kitchen-maid should be a good, plain cook,
and clever in making the dishes suitable for chil-
dren. Much of the elementary cooking for the din-
ing-room, such as the foundation for sauces and soups,
and the roasted and boiled joints, Is required of her,
and she also cooks the servants' dinner, which should
be an entirely different meal from that served in the
dining-room. Nine meals a day are usually cooked
in a family living in this manner — ^breakfast for ser-
vants, children, and the master and mistress, three;
children's dinner, servants' dinner, and luncheon, an-
other three ; and the grand dinner at seven, the chil-
dren's tea, and the servants' supper, the remaining
three.
Where two footmen are in attendance, the head
footman attends the door, waits on his mistress when
she drives out, carries notes, assists the butler, lays
the table and clears it, and washes glass, china, and
silver. The under-footman rises at six, makes fires,
cleans boots, trims and cleans the lamps, opens the
shutters and the front-door, sweeps down the steps,
and, indeed, does the rougher part of the work be-
fore the other servants begin their daily duties.
Each should be without mustache, clean shaven, and
clad in neat livery. His linen and white neck -tie
should be, when he appears to wait on the family at
table or in any capacity, immaculate.
The servants' meals should be punctual and plente-
ous, although not luxurious. It is a bad plan to feed
servants on the luxuries of the master's table, but a
good cook will be able to compound dishes for the
kitchen that will be savory and palatable.
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THE SHY AND AWKWABD. 219
CHAPTER XXXIII.
MANNEBS. — A STUDY FOE THE AWKWABD AND
THE SHY.
It is a comfort to those of us who have felt the
cold perspiration start on the brow, at the prospect of
entering an unaccustomed sphere, to remember that
the best men and women whom the world has kno^^ii
have been, in their day, afflicted with shyness. In-
deed, it is to the past that we must refer when the
terrible disease seizes us, when the tongue becomes
dry in the mouth, the hands tremble, and the knees
knock together.
Who does not pity the trembling boy when, on the
evening of his first party, he succumbs to this dread-
ful malady ? The color comes in spots on his face,
and his hands are cold and clammy. He sits down
on the stairs and wishes he were dead. A strange
sensation is running down his back. '* Come, Peter,
cheer up," his mother says, not daring to tell him how
she sympathizes with hiiti. He is afraid to be afraid,
he is ashamed to be ashamed. Nothing can equal
this moment of agony. The whole room looks black
before him as some chipper little girl, who knows not
the meaning of the word " embarrassment," comes to
greet him. He crawls off to the friendly shelter of
a group of boys, and sees the "craven of the play-
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280 MANKEBS AND SOCIAL USAQSS.
ground, the dunce of the school," with a wonderful
self-possession, lead off in the german with the pret-
tiest girl. As he grows older, and becomes the young
man whose duty it is to go to dinners and afternoon
parties, this terrible weakness will again overcome
him. He has done well at college, can make a very
good speech at the club suppers, but at the door of
a parlor he feels himself a drivelling idiot. He
assumes a courage, if he has it not, and dashes into
a room (which is full of people) as he would attack
a forlorn hope. There is safety in numbers, and he
retires to a comer.
When he goes to a tea-party a battery of feminine
eyes gazes at him with a critical perception of his
youth and rawness. Knowing that he ought to be
supremely graceful and serene, he stumbles over a
footstool, and hears a suppressed giggle. He reach-
es his hostess, and wishes she were the ^^ cannon's
mouth," in order that his sufferings might be end-
ed ; but she is not. His agony is to last the whole
evening. Tea-parties are eternal: they never end;
they are like the old-fashioned ideas of a future
state of torment — they grow hotter and more sti-
fling. As the evening advances towards eternity
he upsets the cream-jug. He summons all his will-
power, or he would run away. No; retreat is im-
possible. One must die at the post of duty. He
thinks of all the formulas of courage — "None but the
brave deserve the fair," " He either fears his fate too
much, or his deserts are small," "There is no such
coward as self -consciousness," etc. But these max-
ims are of no avail. His feet are feet of clay, not
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BASHFULNESS AMONG MEN. 281
good to stand on, only good to stumble with. His
hands are cold, tremulous, and useless. There is a
very disagreeable feeling in the back of his neck,
and a spinning sensation about the brain. A queer
rumbling seizes his ears. He has heard that "con-
science makes cowards of us all." What mortal
sin has he committed? His moral sense answers
back, "None. You are only that poor creature, a
bashful youth." And he bravely calls on all his
nerves, muscles, and brains to help him through this
ordeal. He sees the pitying eyes of the woman to
whom he is talking turn away from his countenance
(on which he knows that all his miserable shyness
has written itself in legible characters). "And this
humiliation, too?" he asks of himself, as she brings
him the usual refuge of the awkward — a portfolio of
photographs to look at. Women are seldom troubled,
at the age at which men suffer, with bashfulness or
awkwardness. It ia as if Nature thus compensated
the weaker vessel. Cruel are those women, however,
and most to be reprobated, who laugh at a bashful
man!
The sufferings of a shy man would fill a volume. It
is a nervous seizure for which no part of his organiza-
tion is to blame; he cannot reason it away, he can
only crush it by enduring it : " To bear is to conquer
our Fate." Some men, finding the play not i^rth
the candle, give up society and the world; others go
on, suffer, and come out cool veterans who fear no
tea-party, however ^overwhelming it may be.
It is the proper province of parents to have their
children taught all the accomplishments of the body,
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282 MANNEES AND SOCIAL USAGES.
that they, like the ancient Greeks, may know that
every muscle will ohey the hrain. A shy, awkward
boy should be trained in dancing, fencing, boxing ; he
should be instructed in music, elocution, and public
speaking ; he should be sent into society, whatever it
may cost him at first, as certainly as he should be sent
to the dentist's. His present sufferings may save him
from lifelong annoyance.
To the very best men— the most learned, the most
graceful, the most eloquent, the most successful ^has
come at some one time or other the dreadful agony
of bashfulness. Indeed, it is the higher order of hu-
man being that it most surely attacks ; it is the pre-
cursor of many excellences, and, like the knight's
vigil, if patiently and bravely borne, the knight is
tvrice the hero. It is this recollection, which can
alone assuage the sufferer, that he should always
carry with him. He should remember that the com-
pound which he calls himself is of all things most
mixed.
" The web of our life is of a mingled yarn, good
and ill together." Two antagonistic races — it may-
be his Grandfather Brown and his Grandmother
Williams — are struggling in him for the mastery;
and their exceedingly opposite natures are pulling his
arms and legs asunder. He has to harmonize this
antagonism before he becomes himself, and it adds
much to his confusion to see that poor little pre-
tender, Tom Titmouse, talking and laughing and mak-
ing merry. There are, however, no ancestral diver-
sities fighting for the possession of Tom Titmouse.
The grandfathers and grandmothers of Tom Titmouse
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VAGARIES OF THE SHY. 283
were not people of strong character; they were a dec-
orous race on both sides, with no heavy intellectual
burdens, good enough people who wore well. But
does our bashful man know this? No. He simply
remembers a passage in the " Odyssey " which Tom
Titmouse could not construe, but which the bashful
man read, to the delight of the tutor :
*' O gods ! How beloved he is, and how honored
by all men to whatsoever land or city he comes I He
brings much booty from Troy, but we, having accom-
plished the same journey, are returning home having
empty hands !" And this messenger from Troy is
Tom Titmouse !
Not that all poor scholars and inferior men have
fine manners, nor do all good scholars and superior
men fail in the drawing-room. No rule is without
an exception. It is, however, a comfort to those who
are awkward and shy to remember that many of the
great and good and superior men who live in history
have suffered, even as they suffer, from the pin-pricks
of bashfulness. The first refuge of the inexperienced,
bashful person is often to assume a manner of ex-
treme hauteur. This is, perhaps, a natural fence — or
defence ; it is, indeed, a very convenient armor, and
many a woman has fought her battle behind it
through life. No doubt it is the armor of the many
so-called frigid persons, male and female, who must
either suffer the pangs of bashfulness, or affect a cold-
ness which they do not feel. Some people are natu-
rally encased in a column of ice which they cannot
break, but within is a fountain which would burst
out at the lips in words of kindliness if only the
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284 MANNBBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
tongue could speak them. These limitations of nat-
ure are very strange; we cannot explain them. It
is only by referring to Grandfather Brown and
Grandmother Williams again that we understand
them at all. One person will he furnished with very
large feet and very small hands, with a head dispro-
portionately large for the body, or one as remarkably
small. Differences of race must account for these
eccentricities of nature ; we cannot otherwise explain
them, nor the mental antagonisms.
But the awkward and the shy do not always take
refuge in a cold manner. Sometimes they study
manner as they would the small-sword exercise, and
exploit it with equal fervor. Exaggeration of man-
ner is quite as common a refuge for these unfortu-
nates as the other extreme of calmness. They ren-
der themselves ridiculous by the lowness of their
bows and the vivid picturesqueness of their speech.
They, as it were, burst the bounds of the calyx, and
the flower opens too wide. Symmetry is lost, grace-
ful outline is destroyed. Many a bashful man, think-
ing of Tom Titmouse, has become an acrobat in his
determination to be lively and easy. He should re-
member the jiiste milieu, recommended by Shakspeare
when he says,
** They are as sick that surfeit with too much,
As they that starve with nothing."
The happy people who are bom unconscious of their
bodies, who grow through life more and more grace-
ful, easy, cordial, and agreeable ; the happy few who
were never bashful, never nervous, never had clammy
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THE ENGLISH COUNTfiY-HOUSE. 285
bands, they need not read these pages — ^they are not
written for such blessed eyes. It is for the weil-
meaning, but shy and awkward, people that the man-
ners of artificial society are most useful.
For the benefit of such persons we must "improve
a ceremonial nicety into a substantial duty," else we
shall see a cultivated scholar confused before a set of
giggling girls, and a man who is all wisdom, valor,
and learning, playing the donkey at an evening party.
If he lack the inferior arts of polite behavior, who
will take the trouble to discover a Sir Walter Raleigh
behind his cravat ?
A man who is constrained, uneasy, and ungraceful,
can spoil the happiness of a dozen people. Therefore
he is bound to create an artificial manner, if a natural
one does not come to him, remembering always that
" manner^s are shadows of virtues."
The manners of artificial society have this to com-
mend them : they meditate the greatest good to the
greatest number. We do not like the word ** arti-
ficial," or to commend anything which is supposed
to be the antipodes, of the word "sincere," but it is a
recipe, a doctor's prescription that we are recommend-
ing as a cure for a disease. " Good manners are to
special societies what good morals are to society in
general — their cement and their security. True po-
liteness creates perfect ease and freedom ; it and its
essence is to treat others as you would have others
treat you." Therefore, as you know how embarrass-
ing embarrassment is to everybody else, strive not to
be embarrassed.
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286 MAKNSBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
CHAPTER XXXIV.
HOW TO TREAT A GUEST.
No one possessed of his senses would invite a per-
son to his country house for the purpose of mp,king
him unhappy. At least so we should say at first
thought. But it is an obvious fact that very many
guests are invited to the country houses of their
friends, and are made extremely miserable while there.
They have to rise at unusual hours, eat when they
are not hungry, drive or walk or play tennis when
they would prefer to do everything else, and they are
obliged to give up those hours which are precious to
them for other duties or pleasures ; so that many peo-
ple, after an experience of visiting, are apt to say,
" No more of the slavery of visiting for me, if you
please !"
Now the English in their vast country houses have
reduced the custom of visiting and receiving their
friends to a system. They are said to be in all re-
spects the best hosts in the world, the masters of the
letting-alone system. A man who owns a splendid
place near London invites a guest for three days or
more, and carefully suggests when he shall come and
when he shall go — a very great point in hospitality.
He is invited to come by the three o*clock train on
Monday, and to leave by the four o'clock train on
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THE INVITED GUEST. 287
Thursday. That means that he shall arrive before
dinner on Monday, and leave after luncheon on Thurs-
day. If a guest cannot accede to these hours, he must
write and say so. Once arrived, he rarely meets his
host or hostess until dinner-time. He is conducted to
his room, a cup of tea with some light refreshment
is provided, and the well-bred servant in attendance
says at what hour before dinner he will be received
in the drawing-room. It is possible that some member
of the family may be disengaged and may propose
a drive before dinner, but this is not often done; the
guest is left to himself or herself until dinner. Gen-
eral and Mrs. Grant were shown to their rooms at
Windsor Castle, and locked up there, when they visit-
ed the Queen, until the steward came to tell them
that dinner would be served in half an hour; they
were then conducted to the grand salon, where the
Queen presently entered. In less stately residences
very much the same ceremony is observed. The host-
ess, after dinner and before the separation for the
night, tells her guests that horses will be at their dis-
posal the next morning, and also asks if they would
like to play lawn-tennis, if they wish to explore the
park, at what hour they will breakfast, or if they
will breakfast in their rooms. " Luncheon is at one,
and she will be happy to see them at that informal
meal."
Thus the guest has before him the enviable privi-
lege of spending the day as he pleases. He need
not talk unless he choose; he may take a book and
wander off under the trees ; he may take a horse and
explore the county, or he may drive in a victoria.
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288 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
phaeton, or any other sort of carriage. To a lady
who has her letters to write, her novel to read, or her
early headache to manage, this liberty is precious.
It must also be said that no one is allowed to feel
neglected in an English house. If a lady guest says,
"I am a stranger; I should like to see your fine
house and your lovely park," some one is found to
accompany her. Seldom the hostess, for she has
much else to do ; but there is often a single sister,
a cousin, or a very intelligent governess, who is sum-
moned. In our country we cannot offer our guests
all these advantages ; we can, however, offer them
their freedom, and give them, with our limited hos-
pitality, their choice of hours for breakfast and their
freedom from our society.
But the questioner may ask, "Why invite guests,
unless we wish to see them? We do wish to see
them — a part of the day, not the whole day. No
one can sit and talk all day. The hostess should
have her privilege of retiring after the mid-day meal,
with her novel, for a nap, and so should the guest.
Well-bred people understand all this, and are glad to
give up the pleasure of social intercourse for an hour
of solitude. There is nothing so sure to repay one
in the long run as these quiet hours.
If a lady invites another to visit her at Newport
or Saratoga, she should evince her thought for her
guest's comfort by providing her with horses and
carriage to pay her own visits, to take her own drives,
or to do her shopping. Of course, the pleasure of
two friends is generally to be together, and to do the
same things ; but sometimes it is quite the reverse.
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THE AMERICAN COUNTBY-HOUSE. 289
The tastes and habits of two people staying in the
same honse may be very different, and each should
respect the peculiarities of the other. It costs little
time and no money for an opulent Newport hostess
to find out what her guest wishes to do with her day,
and she can easily, with a little tact, allow her to be
happy in her own way.
Gentlemen understand this much better than ladies,
and a gentleman guest is allowed to do very much as
he pleases at Newport. No one asks anything about ,
his plans for the day, except if he will dine at home.
His hostess may ask him to drive or ride with her,
or to go to the Casino, perhaps ; but if she be a well-
bred woman of the world she will not be angry if he
refuses. A lady guest has not, however, such free-
dom; she is apt to be a slave, from the fact that as
yet the American hostess has not learned that the
truest hospitality is to let her guest alone, and to al-
low her to enjoy herself in her own way. A thor-
oughly well-bred guest makes no trouble in a house ;
she has the instinct of a lady, and is careful that no
plan of her hostess shall be disarranged by her pres-
ence. She mentions all her separate invitations, de-
sires to know when her hostess wishes her presence,
if the carriage can take her hither and yon, or if
she may be allowed to hire a carriage.
There are hostesses, here and in England, who do
not invite guests to their houses for the purpose of
making them happy, but to add to their own impor-
tance. Such hostesses are not apt to consider the in-
dividual rights of any one, and they use a guest mere-
ly to add to the brilliancy of their parties, and to make
J9
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290 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
the house more fashionable and attractive. Some ill*
bred women, in order to show their power, even in-
salt and illtreat the people who have accepted their
proffered hospitality. This class of hostess is, fortu-
nately, not common, but it is not unknown.
A hostess should remember that, when she asks peo-
ple to visit her, she has two very important duties
to perform — one, not to neglect her guests ; the other,
not to weary them by too much attention. Never
, give a guest the impression that he is " being enter-
tained," that he is on your mind ; follow the daily
life of your household and of your duties as you
desire, taking care that your guest is never in an un-
pleasant }>osition or neglected. If you have a tire-
some guest who insists upon following you around
and weighing heavily on your hands, be firm, go to
your own room> and lock the door. If you have a
sulky guest who looks bored, throw open the libra-
ry-door, order the carriage, and make your own es-
cape. But if you have a very agreeable guest who
shows every desire to please and be pleased, give that
model guest the privilege of choosing her own hours
and her own retirement.
The charm of an American country-house is, gen-
erally, that it is a home, and sacred to home duties.
A model guest never infringes for one moment on
the rights of the master of the house. She never
spoils his dinner or his drive by being late ; she never
sends him back to bring her parasol ; she never
abuses his friends or the family dog ; she is careful
to abstain from disagreeable topics; she joins his
whist-table if she knows how to play ; but she ought
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PmVILEGES OF A QUEST. 291
never to be obliged to rise an hour earlier than her
wont because he wishes to take an early train for
town. These early- morning, perfunctory breakfasts
are not times for conversation, and they ruin the day
for many bad sleepers.
In a country neighborhood a hostess has sometimes
to ask her guests to go to church to hear a stupid
preacher, and to go to her country neighbors, to be-
come acquainted with what may be the slavery of
country parties. The guest should always be allowed
to refuse these hospitalities ; and, if he be a tired
townsman, he will prefer the garden, the woodland,
the retirement of the country, to any church or tea-
party in the world. He cannot enter into his host's
interests or his neighbor's. Leave him to his sol-
itude if in that is his happiness.
At Newport guest and hostess have often different
friends and different invitations. When this is under-
stood, no trouble ensues if the host and hostess go out
to dinner and leave the guest at home. It often hap-
pens that this is done, and no lady of good-breeding
takes offence. Of course a nice dinner is prepared for
her, and she is often asked to invite a friend to share it.
On the other hand, the guest often has invitations
which do not include the hostess. These should be
spoken of in good season, so that none of the hostess's
plans may be disarranged, that the carriage may be
ordered in time, and the guest sent for at the proper
hour. Well-bred people always accept these contin-
gencies as a matter of course, and are never discon-
certed by them.
There is no oflSce in the world which should be
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292 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
filled with sucli punctilious devotion, propriety, and
self-respect as that of hostess. If a lady ever allows
her guest to feel that she is a cause of inconvenience,
she violates the first rule of hospitality. If she fail
in any way in her obligations as hostess to a guest
whom she has invited, she shows herself to be ill-
bred and ignorant of the first principles of politeness.
She might better invite twelve people to dinner and
then ask them to dine on the pavement than ignore
or withdraw from a written and accepted invitation,
unless sickness or death afford the excuse ; and yet
hostesses have been known to do this from mere ca-
price. But they were necessarily ill-bred people.
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ETIQUETTE OF RAISING THE HA.T. 293
CHAPTER XXXV.
CERTAIN QUESTIONS ANSWERED.
We are asked by a correspondent as to when a gen-
tleman should wear his hat and when take it off. A
gentleman wears his hat in the street, on a steamboat
deck, raising it to a lady acquaintance; also in a prom-
enade concert -room and picture-gallery. He never
wears it in a theatre or opera-house, and seldom in
the parlors of a hotel. The etiquette of raising the
hat on the staircases and in the halls of a hotel as
gentlemen pass ladies is much commended. In Eu-
rope each man raises his hat as he passes a bier, or if
a hearse carrying a dead body passes him. In this
country men simply raise their hats as a funeral cor-
tege passes into a church, or at the grave. If a gen-
tleman, particularly an elderly one, takes off his hat
and stands uncovered in a draughty place, as the
foyer of an opera-house, while talking to ladies, it is
proper for one of them to say, "Pray resume your
hat" — a delicate attention deeply prized by a respect-
ful man, who, perhaps, would not otherwise cover his
head.
Again, our young lady friends ask us many questions
on the subject of propriety y showing how anxious they
are to do right, but also proving how far they are
from apprehending what in Old-World customs has
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294 MAKNEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
been always considered propriety. In onr new coun-
try the relations of men and women are necessarily
simple. The whole business of etiquette is, of course,
reduced to each one's sense of propriety, and the stand-
ard must be changed as the circumstances demand.
As, for instance, a lady writes to know if she should
thank a gentleman for paying for her on an excur-
sion. Now this involves a long answer. In Europe
no young lady could accept an invitation to go as the
guest of a young gentleman on *^ an excursion," and
allow him to pay for her, without losing much reputa-
tion. She would not in either England or France be
received in society again. She should be invited by
the gentleman through her father or mother, and one
or both should accompany her. Even then it is not
customary for gentlemen to invite ladies to go on an
excursion. He could invite the lady's mother to chap-
eron a theatre party which he had paid for.
Another young lady asks if she could with propri-
ety buy the tickets and take a young gentleman to
the theatre. Of course she could, if her mother or
chaperon would go with her; but even then the
mother or chaperon should write the note of invi-
tation.
But in our free country it is, we hear, particularly
in the West, allowable for a young lady and gentle-
man to go off on " an excursion " together, the gen-
tleman paying all the expenses. If that is allowed,
then, of course — to answer our correspondent's ques-
tion — she should thank him. But if we were to an-
swer the young lady's later question, " Would this be
considered etiquette ?" we should say, decidedly, No.
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OLD FORM OP SALUTATIOX. 295
Another question which we are perpetually asked
is this: How to allow a gentleman a proper degree of
friendly intimacy without allowing him to think him-
self too much of a favorite. Here we cannot hring
in^ either etiquette or custom to decide. One very
general law would be not to accept too many atten-
tions, to show a certain reserve in dancing with him
or driving with him. It is always proper for a gen-
tleman to take a young lady out to drive in his dog-
cart with his servant behind, if her parents approve ;
but if it is done very often, of course it looks con-
spicuous, and the lady runs the risk of being consid-
ered engaged. And she knows, of course, whether
her looks and words give him reason to think that he
is a favorite. She must decide all that herself.
Another writes to ask us if she should take a gen-
tleman's hat and coat when he calls. Never. Let
him take care of those. Christianity and chivalry,
modern and ancient custom, make a man the ser-
vant of women. The old form of salutation used by
Sir Walter Raleigh and other courtiers was always,
" Your servant, madam," and it is the prettiest and
most admirable way for a man to address a woman
in any language.
Another asks if she should introduce a gentleman
who calls to her mother. This, we should say, would
answer itself did not the question re-appear. Of course
she should ; and her mother should always sit with
her when she is receiving a call from a gentleman.
But if in our lesser fashionable circles the restric-
tions of etiquette are relaxed, let a young lady always
remember these general principles, that men will like
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296 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
and respect her far better if she is extremely particu-
lar aboat allowing them to pay for her, if she refuses
two invitations out of three, if she is dignified and
reserved rather than if she is the reverse.
At Newport it is now the fashion for young ladies
to drive young men out in their pony-phaetons with
a groom behind, or even without a groom; but a gen-
tleman never takes out a lady in his own carriage
without a servant.
Gentlemen and ladies walk together in the daytime
unattended, but if they ride on horseback a groom
is always in attendance on the lady. In rural neigh-
borhoods where there are no grooms, and where a
young lady and gentleman go ofE for a drive unat-
tended, they have thrown Old- World etiquette out of
the window, and must make a new etiquette of their
own. Propriety, mutual respect, and American chiv-
alry have done for women what all the surveillance
of Spanish duennas and of French etiquette has done
for the young girl of Europe. If a woman is a work-
er, an artist, a student, or an author, she can walk the
Quartier Latin of Paris unharmed.
But she has in work an armor of proof. This is not
etiquette when she comes into the world of fashion.
She must observe etiquette, as she would do the laws
of Prussia or of England, if she stands on foreign shores.
Perhaps we can illustrate this. Given a pretty
young girl who shall arrive on the steamer Gennania
after being several years at school in Paris, another
who comes in by rail from Kansas, another from some
quiet, remote part of Georgia, and leave them all at
the New York Hotel for a winter. Let us imagine
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VIOLATIONS OF PROPRIETY. 297
them all introduced at a New York ball to three gen-
tlemen, who shall call on them the next day. If the
girl educated in Paris, sitting by her mamma, hears
the others talk to the young men she will be shocked.
The girls who have been brought up far from the cen*-
tres of etiquette seem to her to have no modesty, no
propriety. They accept invitations from the young
men to go to the theatre alone, to take drives, and
perhaps, as we have said, to " go on an excursion."
To the French girl this seems to be a violation of
propriety; but later on she accepts an invitation to
go out on a coach, with perhaps ten or twelve others,
and with a very young chaperon. The party does not
return until twelve at night, and as they walk through
the corridors to a late supper the young Western girl
meets them, and sees that the young men are already
the worse for wine : she is apt to say, " What a rowdy
crowd !" and to think that, after all, etiquette per-
mits its own sins, in which she is right.
In a general statement it may be as well to say that
a severe etiquette would prevent a young lady from
receiving gifts from a young man, except honhonni^res
and bouquets. It is not considered proper for him
to offer her clothing of any sort — as gowns, bonnets,
shawls, or shoes — even if he is engaged to her. She
may use ier discretion about accepting a camel's-hair
shawl from a man old enough -to be her father, but
she should never receive jewellery from any one but
a relative or heT fianci just before marriage. The
reason for this is obvious. It has been abused — ^the
privilege which all men desire, that of decking women
with finery.
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298 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
A young lady should not write letters to young
men, or send them presents, or take the initiative in
any way. A friendly correspondence is very proper
if the mother approves, but even this has its dangers.
Let a young lady always remember that she is to the
young man an angel to reverence until she lessens the
distance between them and extinguishes respect.
Young women often write to us as to whether it is
proper for them to write letters of condolence or
congratulation to ladies older than themselves. We
should say, Yes. The respect of young girls is always
felt gratefully by older ladies. The manners of the
present are vastly to be objected to on account of a
lack of respect. The rather bitter Mr. Carlyle wrote
satirically of the manners of young ladies. He even
had his fling at their laugh : *^ Few are able to laugh
what can be called laughing, but only sniff and titter
from the throat outward, or at best produce some
whiffling husky cachinnations as if they were laughing
through wool. Of none such comes good." A young
lady must not speak too loud or be too boisterous ; she
must even tone down her wit, lest she be misunder-
stood. But she need not be dull, or grumpy, or ill-
tempered, or careless of her manners, particularly to
her mother's old friends. She must not talk slang, or
be in any way masculine ; if she is, she lose* the bat-
tle. A young lady is sometimes called upon to be a
hostess if her mother is dead. Here her liberty be-
comes greater, but she should always have an aunt or
some elderly friend by her side to play chaperon.
A young lady may do any manual labor without
losing ^aste. She may be a good cook, a fine laundress.
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PBUDSNCfi TO BK OBSEBVED. 299
a carver of wood, a painter, a sculptor, an embroid-
eress, a writer, a physician, and she will be eligible,
if her manners are good, to the best society anywhere.
But if she outrage the laws of good-breeding in the
place where she is, she cannot expect to take her place
in society. Should she be seen at Newport driving
two gentlemen in her pony-phaeton, or should she and
another young woman take a gentleman between them
and drive down Bellevue Avenue, she would be ta-
booed. It would not be a wicked act, but it would
not look well; it would not be convenabU. If she
dresses " loudly," with peculiar hats and a suspicious
complexion, she must take the consequences. She
must be careful (if she is unknown) not to attempt to
copy the follies of well-known fashionable women.
What will be forgiven to Mrs. Well Known Uptown
will never be forgiven to Miss Kansas. Society in this
respect is very unjust — the world is always unjust —
but that is a part of the truth of etiquette which is to
be remembered ; it is founded on the accidental con-
ditions of society, having for its background, however,
the eternal principles of kindness, politeness, and the
greatest good of society.
A young lady who is very prominent in society
should not make herself too common; she should not
appear in too many charades, private theatricals, tab-
leaux, etc. She should think of the " violet by the
mossy stone." She must, also, at a watering-place
remember that every act of hers is being criticised by
a set of lookers-on who are not all friendly, and she
must, ere she allow herself to be too much of a belle,
remember to silence envious tongues.
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300 MANNKKS AND SOCIAL USAGES*
CHAPTER XXXVI.
THE MANNERS OP TUE PAST.
In these days, amid what has been strongly stated
as "the prevailing mediocrity of manners," a study
of the manners of the past would seem to reveal to
us the fact that in those days of ceremony a man who
was beset with shyness need then have suffered less
than he would do now in these days of impertinence
and brass. •
A man was not then expected to enter a room and
to dash at once into a lively conversation. The stately
influence of the minuet de la cour was upon him ; he
deliberately entered a room, made a low bow, and sat
down, waiting to be spoken to.
Indeed, we may go farther back and imagine our-
selves at the court of Louis XIV., when the world
was broadly separated into the two classes — the noble
and the bourgeois. That world which Moli^re divided
in his dramatis personoB into the courtier, the provin-
cial noble, and the plain gentleman; and secondly, into
the men of law and medicine, the merchant, and the
shopkeeper. These divisions shall be for a moment
considered. Now, all these men knew exactly, from
the day when they reached ten years of age, how they
were expected to behave in the sphere of life to which
they were called. The marquis was instructed in
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BEPOBTMSNT. 301
every art of graceful behavior, the bd air was taught
him as we teach our boys how to dance, even more
thoroughly. The grand seigneur of those days, the
man who would not arrange the folds of his own cra-
vat with his own hands, and who exacted an observ-
ance as punctilious from his valets as if he were the
king himself, that marquis of whom the great Moli^re
makes such fun, the courtier whom even the grand
monarque liked to see ridiculed — this man had, never-
theless, good manners. We see him reflected with
marvellous fidelity in those wonderful comedies of
the French Shakespeare ; he is more than the fashion
of an epoch — he is one of the eternal types of human
nature. We learn what a man becomes whose busi-
ness is "deportment." Even despicable as he is in
" Le Bourgeoise Gentilhomme" — ^flattering, borrowing
money, cheating the poor citizen, and using his rank
as a mask and excuse for his vices — we still read that
it was such a one as he who took poor Moli^re's cold
hands in his and put them in his muff, when, on the
last dreadful day of the actor's life (with a liberality
which does his memory immortal honor), he strove to
play, "that fifty poor workmen might receive their
daily pay." It was such a one as this who was
kind to poor Moli^re. There was in these gens de cour
a copy of fine feeling, even if they had it not. They
were polite and elegant, making the people about them
feel better for the moment, doing graceful acts cour-
teously, and gilding vice with the polish of perfect
manners. The hourgeoiSy according to Moli^re, was
as bad a man as the courtier, but he had, besides,
brutal manners ; and as for the magistrates and mer-
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302 MANNEilS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
chants, they were harsh and surly, and very sparing
of civility. No wonder, when the French Revolution
came, that one of the victims, regretting the not-yet-
forgotten marquis, desired the return of the aristoc-
racy; for, said he, "I would rather he trampled upon
hy a velvet slipper than a wooden shoe."
It is the best definition of manners — "a velvet slip-
per rather than a wooden shoe." We ask very little
of the people whom we casually meet but that the
salutation be pleasant; and as we remember how many
crimes and misfortunes have arisen from sadden an-
ger, caused sometimes by pure breaches of good man-
ners, we almost agree with Burke that " manners are
of more importance than laws. Upon them, in a great
measure, the laws depend."
Some one calls politeness "benevolence in trifles,
the preference of others to ourselves in little, daily,
hourly occurrences in the business of life, a better
place, a more commodious seat, priority in being
helped at table," etc.
Now, in all these minor morals the marquis was a
benevolent man; he was affable and both well and
fair spoken, " and would use strange sweetness and
blandishment of words when he desired to affect or
persuade anything that he took to heart" — that is, with
his equals. It is well to study this man, and to re-
member that he was not always vile. The Prince of
Conde had these manners and a generous, great heart
as well. Gentleness really belongs to virtue, and a
sycophant can hardly imitate it well. The perfect
gentleman is he who has a strong heart under the
silken doublet of a perfect manner.
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NECESSITY OP A CONCILIATORY SPIRIT. 303
We do not want all the decent drapery of life torn
off; we do not want to be told that we are full of de-
fects ; we do not wish people to show us a latent an-
tagonism; and if we have in ourselves the elements of
roughness, severity of judgment, a critical eye which
sees defects rather than virtues, we are bound to
study how to tone down that native, disagreeable
temper — just as we are bound to try to break the icy
formality of a reserved manner, and to cultivate a
cordiality which we do not feel. Such a command
over the shortcomings of our own natures is not insin-
cerity, as we often find that the effort to make our-
selves agreeable towards some one whom we dislike
ends in leading us to like the offending person. We
find that we have really been the offender, going
about with a moral tape-measure graduated by our-
selves, and measuring the opposite party with a serene
conceit which has called itself principle or honor, or
some high-sounding name, while it was really nothing
but prejudice.
We should try to carry entertainment with us, and
to seem entertained with our company. A friendly
behavior often conciliates and pleases more than wit
or brilliancy; and here we come back to those polished
manners of the past, which were a perfect drapery,
and therefore should be studied, and perhaps in a de-
gree copied, by the awkward and the shy, who cannot
depend upon themselves for inspirations of agreeabil-
ity. Emerson says that "fashion is good-sense enter-
taining company; it hates comers and sharp points of
character, hates quarrelsome, egotistical, solitary, and
gloomy people, hates whatever can interfere with total
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804 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
blending of parties, while it values all particularities
as in the highest degree refreshing which can consist
with good-fellowship."
It does the awkward and the shy good to contem-
plate these words. It may not immediately help them
to become graceful and self-possessed, but it will cer-
tainly have a very good effect in inducing them to
try.
We find that the successful man of the world has
studied the temper of the finest sword. He can bend
easily,^ he is flexible, he is pliant, and yet he has not
lost the bravery and the power of his weapon. Men
of the bar, for instance, have been at the trouble to
construct a system of politeness, in which even an of-
fensive self-estimation takes on the garb of humility.
The harmony is preserved, a trial goes on with an
appearance of deference and respect each to the other,
highly, most highly, commendable, and producing law
and order where otherwise we might find strife, ha-
tred, and warfare. Although this may be a mimic
humility, although the compliments may be judged
insincere, they are still the shadows of the very high-
est virtues. The man who is guarding his speech is
ruling his spirit; he is keeping his temper, that fur-
nace of all affliction, and the lofty chambers of his
brain are cool and full of fresh air.
A man who is by nature clownish, and who has
what he calls a " noble sincerity," is very apt to do
injustice to the polished man ; he should, however,
remember that "the manner of a vulgar man has free-
dom without ease, and that the manner of a gentle-
man has ease without freedom." A man with an
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WHATELY ON SHYNESS. 30o
obliging, agreeable address may be just as sincere as
if he had the noble art of treading on everybody's
toes. The " putter-down-upon-systera " man is quite as
often urged by love of display as by a love of truth ;
he is ungenerous, combative, and ungenial ; he is the
" bravo of society."
To some people a fine manner is the gift of nature.
We see a young person enter a room, make himself
charming, go through the transition period of boy to
man, always graceful, and at man's estate aim to still
possess that unconscious and flattering grace, that
" most exquisite taste of politeness," which is a gift
from the gods. He is exactly formed to please, this
lucky creature, and all this is done for him by nature.
We are disposed to abuse Mother Nature when we
think of this boy's heritage of joy compared with her
step-son, to whom she has given the burning blushes,
the awkward step, the heavy self-consciousness, the
uncourtly gait, the hesitating speech, and the bashful
demeanor.
But nothing would be omitted by either parent or
child to cure the boy if he had a twisted ankle, so
nothing should be omitted that can cure the twist
of shyness, and therefore a shy young person should
not be expected to confront such a trial.
And to those who have the bringing up of shy
young persons we commend these excellent words of
Whately : " There are many otherwise sensible peo-
ple who seek to cure a young person of that very
common complaint — shyness — by exhorting him not
to be shy, telling him what an awkward appearance
it has, and that it prevents his doing himself justice,
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306 MANKSBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
all of which is manifestly pouring oil on the fire to
quench it; for the very cause of shyness is an over-
anxiety as to what people are thinking of you^ a mor-
bid attention to your own appearance. The course,
theref ore, that ought to be pursued is exactly the re-
verse. The sufferer should be exhorted to think as
little as possible about himself and the opinion formed
of him, to be assured that most of the company do
not trouble their heads about him, and to harden him
against any impertinent criticisms that he supposed
to be going on, taking care only to do what is right,
leaving others to say and to think what they will."
All this philosophy is excellent, and is like the sen-
sible archbishop. But the presence of a set of care-
fully cultivated, artificial manners, or a hat to hold in
one's hand, will better help the shy person when he is
first, under fire, and when his senses are about desert-
ing him, than any moral maxims can be expected to do.
Garlyle speaks of the fine manners of his peasant
father (which he does not seem to have inherited),
and he says ; " I think that they came from his hav-
ing, early in life, worked for Maxwell, of Keir, a
Scotch gentleman of great dignity and worth, who
gave to all those under him a fine impression of the
governing classes." Old Carlyle had no shame in
standing with his hat off as his landlord passed ; he
had no truckling spirit either of paying court to those
whose lot in life it was to be his superiors.
Those manners of the past were studied; they had,
no doubt, much about them which we should now call
stiff, formal, and affected, but they were a great help
to the awkward and the shy.
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GOOD CLOTHES A HELP TO THE SHY. 307
In the past our ancestors had the help of cos-
tume, which we have not. Nothing is more defence-
less than a being in a dress-coat, with no pockets
allowable in which he can put his hands. If a man
is in a costume he forgets the sufferings of the coat
and pantaloon. He has a sense of being in a fortress.
A military man once said that he always fought bet-
ter in his uniform — that a fashionably cut coat and
an every-day hat took all heroism out of him.
Women, particularly shy ones, feel the effect of
handsome clothes as a reinforcement. "There is an
appui in a good gown," said Madame de Stael. There-
fore, the awkward and the shy, in attempting to con-
quer the manners of artificial society, should dress as
well as possible. Perhaps to their taste in dress do
Frenchmen owe much of their easy civility and their
success in social politics ; and herein women are very
much more fortunate than men, for they can always
ask, " Is it becoming ?" and can add the handkerchief,
fan, muff, or mantle as a refuge for trembling hands.
A man has only his pockets ; he does not wish to
always appear with his hands in them.
Taste is said to be the instantaneous, ready appre-
ciation of the fitness of things. To most of us who
may regret the want of it in ourselves, it seems to be
the instinct of the fortunate few. Some women look
as if they had simply blossomed out of their inner
consciousness into a beautiful toilet ; others are the
creatures of chance, and look as if their clothes had
been hurled at them by a tornado.
Some women, otherwise good and true, have a sort
of moral want of taste, and wear too bright colors.
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308 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
too many glass beads, too much hair, and a combina-
tion of discordant materials which causes the heart of
a good dresser to ache with anguish. This want of
taste runs across the character like an intellectual
bar-sinister, forcing us to believe that their conclu-
sions are anything but legitimate. People who say
innocently things which shock you, who put the lis-
teners at a dinner-table upon tenter-hooks, are either
wanting in taste or their minds are confused with
shyness.
A person thus does great injustice to his own moral
qualities when he permits himself to be misrepresent-
ed by that disease of which we speak. Shyness per-
verts the speech more than vice even. But if a man
or a woman can look down on a well-fitting, becoming
dress (even if it is the barren and forlorn dress which
men wore to parties in 1882), it is still an appui.
We know how it offends us to see a person in a dress
which is inappropriate. A chief -justice in the war-
paint and feathers of an Indian chief would scarcely
be listened to, even if his utterances were those of a
Marshall or a Jay.
It takes a great person, a courageous person, to bear
the shame of unbecoming dress; and, no doubt, to a
nature shy, passionate, proud, and poor, the necessity
of wearing poor or unbecoming clothes has been an
injury for life. He despised himself for his weakness,
but the weakness remained. When the French Rev-
olution came in with its sans-culoUeisniy and republi-
can simplicity found its perfect expression in Thomas
Jefferson, still, the prejudices of powdered hair and
stiff brocades remained. They gradually disappeared.
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PAUTIAL EKTURN TO FORMER MANNERS. 309
and the man of the nineteenth century lost the advan-
tages of becoming dress, and began anew the battle
of life stripped of all his trappings. Manners went
with these flowing accessaries, and the abrupt speech,
curt bow, and rather exaggerated simplicity of the
present day came in.
But it is a not unworthy study — ^these manners of the
past. We are returning, at least on the feminine side,
to a great and magnificent " princess," or queenly, style
of dress. It is becoming the fashion to make a courte-
sy, to flourish a fan, to bear one's self with dignity
when in this fine costume. Cannot the elegance, the
repose, and the respectfulness of the past return also?
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310 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
CHAPTER XXXVIL
THE MANNSBS OF THE OPTIMIST.
It is very easy to laugh at the optimist, and to ac-
cuse him of " poetizing the truth." 'No doubt, an op-
timist will see excellence, beauty, and truth where
pessimists see only degradation, vice, and ugliness.
The one hears the nightingale, the other the raven
only. To one, the sunsetting forms a magic picture;
to the other, it is but a presage of bad weather to-
morrow. Some people seem to look at nature through
a glass of red wine or in a Claude Lorraine mirror;
to them the landscape has ever the bloom of summer
or a spring-tide grace. To others, it is always cloudy,
dreary, dull. The desolate ravine, the stony path, the
blighted heath — that is all they can find in a book
which should have a chapter for everybody. And the
latter are apt to call the former dreamers, visionaries,
fools. They are dubbed in society often flatterers,
people whose "geese are all swans."
But are those, then, the fools who see only the
pleasant side? Are they alone the visionaries who see
the best rather than the worst? It is strange that the
critics see only weakness in the " pleasant - spoken,"
and only truth and safety in those who croak.
The person who sees a bright light in an eye other-
wise considered dull, who distrusts the last scandal.
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FACULTY OF OBSEEVATION AND LANGUAGE. 311
is supposed to be foolish, too easily pleased, and want-
ing in that wise scepticism which should be the hand-
maid of common-sense; and if such a person in tell-
ing a story poetizes the truth, if it is a principle or a
tendency to believe the best of everybody, to take
everybody at their highest note, is she any the less
canny? Has she necessarily less insight? As there
are always two sides to a shield, why not look at the
golden one?
An excess of the organ of hope has created people
like Colonel Sellers in the play, who deluded himself
that there were " millions in it," who landed in pov-
erty and wrecked his friends; but this excess is scarce-
ly a common one. Far more often does discourage-
ment paralyze than does hope exalt. Those who have
sunshine for themselves and to spare are apt to be
happy and useful people; they are in the aggregate
the successful people.
But, although good - nature is temperamental, and
although some men and women are, by their force of
imagination and charity, forced to poetize the truth,
the question remains an open one. Which is the near-
est to truth, a pessimist or an optimi3t ? Truth is a
virtue more palpable and less shadowy than we think.
It is not easy to speak the unvarnished, uncorrupted
truth (so the lawyers tell us). The faculty of obser-
vation differs, and the faculty of language is variable.
Some people have no intellectual apprehension of the
truth, although they morally believe in it. People
who abstractly revere the truth have never been able
to tell anything but falsehoods. To such the power
of making a statement either favorable or prejudicial
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312 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
depends upon the mood of the moment, not upon fact.
Therefore a habit of poetizing the truth would
seem to be of either excess the safest. Society be-
comes sometimes a hot-bed of evil passions — one per-
son succeeds at the expense of another. How severe
is the suffering proceeding from social neglect and
social stabs! It might, much of it, be smoothed away
by poetizing the truth ever so little. Instead of
bearing an ill-natured message, suppose we carry an
amiable one. Instead of believing that an insult was
intended, suppose a compliment.
"Should he upbraid, 111 own that he prevail,
And eing more sweetly than the nightingale!
Say that he frown, 111 own his looks I view
Like morning roses newly dipped in dew."
People who are thus calmly serene and amiable
through the frowns and smiles, the ups and downs, of
a social career are often called worldly.
Well, let us suppose that they are. Some author has
wisely said: "That the world should be full of world-
liness seems as right as that a stream should be full of
water or a living body full of blood." To conquer
this world, to get out of it a full, abounding, agreeable
life, is what we are put here for. Else, why such gifts
as beauty, talent, health, wit, and a power of enjoy-
ment be given to us ? To be worldly, or worldlings,
is supposed to be incurring the righteous anger of the
good. But is it not improperly using a term of im-
plied reproach? For, although the world may be too
much with us, and a worldling may be a being not
filled to the brim with the deeper qualities or the
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THE PESSIMIST AND OPTIMIST. 313
highest aims, still he is a man necessary to the day,
the hour, the sphere which must be supplied with peo-
ple fitted to its needs. So with a woman in society.
She must be a worldling in the best sense of the word.
She must keep up her corner of the great mantle of
the Field of the Cloth of Gold. She must fill the so-
cial arena with her influence; for in society she is a
most important factor.
Then, as a " complex overgrowth of wants and frui-
tions " has covered our world as with a banyan-tree,
we must have something else to keep alive our um-
brageous growth of art, refinement, inventions, luxu-
ries, and delicate sensibilities. We must have wealth.
"Wealth is the golden essence of the outer world,"
and therefore to be respected.
Of course the pessimist sees purse-pride, pompous
and outrageous arrogance, a cringing of the pregnant
hinges of the knee, false standards, and a thousand
faults in this admission. And yet the optimist finds
the "very rich," with but few exceptions, amiable,
generous, and kindly, often regretting that poorer
friends will allow their wealth to bar them off, wish-
ing often that their opulence need not shut them off
from the little dinners, the homely hospitality, the
small gifts, the sincere courtesies of those whose
means are moderate. The cheerful people who are
not dismayed by the superior magnificence of a friend
are very apt to find that friend quite as anxious for
sympathy and for kindness as are the poor, especially
if his wealth has caused him, almost necessarily, to
live upon the superficial and the external in life.
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314 MANNERS AND SOCIAL U8AGBS.
We all know that there is a worldly life, poor in
aim and narrow in radius, which is as false as possi-
ble. To live only for this world, with its changing
fashions, its imperfect judgments, its toleration of
snobs and of sinners, its forgiveness of ignorance
under a high-sounding name, its exaggeration of the
transient and the artificial, would be a poor life in*
deed. But, if we can lift ourselves up into the high-
er comprehension of what a noble thing this world
really is, we may well aspire to be worldlings.
Julius Csesar was a worldling; so was Shakespeare.
Erasmus was a worldling. We might increase the
list indefinitely. These men brought the loftiest tal-
ents to the use of worldly things. They showed how
great conquest, poetry, thought might become used
for the world. They were full of this world.
To see everything through a poetic vision (the only
genuine idealization) is and has been the gift of the
benefactors of our race. B^ranger was of the world,
worldly; but can we give him up? So were the great
aiHbists who flooded the world with light — Titian, Tin-
toretto, Correggio, Raphael, Rubens, Watteau. These
men poetized the truth. Life was a brilliant drama,
a splendid picture, a garden ever fresh and fair.
The optimist carries a lamp through dark, social ob-
structions. " I would fain bind up many wounds, if I
could be assured that neither by stupidity nor by mal-
ice I need make one!" is her motto, the true optimist.
It is a fine allegory upon the implied power of so-
ciety that the poet Marvell used when he said he
" would not drink wine with any one to whom he
could not trust his life."
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TBNDKNCY TO OPTIMISM. 315
Titian painted his women with all their best joints
visible. There was a careful shadow or drapery
which hid the defects which none of us are without;
but defects to the eye of the optimist make beauty
more attractive by contrast; in a portrait they may
better be hid perhaps.
To poetize the truth in the science of charity
and forgiveness can never be a great sin. If it is
one, the recording angel will probably drop a tear.
This tendency to optimism is, we think, more like
that magic wand which the great idealist waved over
a troubled sea, or like those sudden sunsets after a
storm, which not only control the wave, but gild the
leaden mass with crimson and unexpected gold,
whose brightness may reach some storm-driven sail,
giving it the light of hope, bringing the ship to a
well-defined and hospitable shore, and regulating,
with a new attraction, the lately distracted compass.
Therefore, we do not hesitate to say that the philoso-
phy, and the creed, and the manners of the optimist
are good for society. However, his excellence may
well be criticised ; it may even sometimes take its
place amid those excesses which are catalogued as
amid the " deformities of exaggerated virtues." We
may be too good, some of us, in one single direction.
But the rounded and harmonious Greek calm is hard
to find. "For repose and serenity of mind," says a
modem author, " we must go back to the Greek tem-
ple and statue, the Greek epic and drama, the Greek
oration and moral treatise ; and modem education
will never become truly effectual till it brings more
minds into happy contact with the ideal of a bal-
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310 MANNERS AND 80CIAL USAGES.
anced*, harmonious development of all the powers of
mind, body, conscience, and heart."
And who was a greater optimist than your Atheni-
an? He had a passionate love of nature, a rapt and
infinite adoration of beauty, and he diffused the splen-
did radiance of his genius in making life more attrac-
tive and the grave less gloomy. Perhaps we of a bright-
er faith and a more certain revelation may borrow
something from this " heathen " Greek.
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PECULIARITIES OF SHY PEOPLE. 317
CHAPTER XXXVIIL
THE MANNERS OF THE SYMPATHETIC.
Sympathy is the most delicate tendril of the mind,
and the most fascinating gift which nature can give
to us. The most precious associations of the human
heart cluster around the word, and we love to remem-
ber those who have sorrowed with us in sorrow, and
rejoiced with us when we were glad. But for the
awkward and the shy, the sympathetic are the very
worst company. They do not wish to be sympathized
with — they wish to be with people who are cold and
indifferent; they like shy people like themselves. Put
two shy people in a room together, and they begin to
talk with unaccustomed glibness. A shy woman al-
ways attracts a shy man. But women who are gifted
with that rapid, gay impressionability which puts them
en rapport with their surroundings, who have fancy
and an excitable disposition, a quick susceptibility to
the influences around them, are very charming in gen-
eral society, but they are terrible to the awkward and
the shy. They sympathize too much, they are too
aware of that burning shame which the sufferer de-
sires to conceal.
The moment that a shy person sees before him a
perfectly unsympathetic person, one who is neither
thinking nor caring for him, his shyness begins to flee;
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S18 UANNEBS AND SOCIAL UBAGKS.
the moment that he recognizes a fellow- sufferer he
begins to feel a reinforcement of energy. If he be a
lover, especially, the almost certain embarrassment of
the lady inspires him with hope and with renewed
courage. A woman who has a bashful lover, even if
she is afflicted with shyness, has been known to find a
way to help the poor fellow out of his dilemma more
than once. Hawthorne, who has left us the most com-
plete and most tragic history of shyness which belongs
to ^^ that long rosary on which the blushes of a life are
strung," found a woman (the most perfect character,
apparently, who ever married and made happy a great
genius) who, fortunately for him, was shy naturally,
although without that morbid shyness which accom-
panied him through life. Those who knew Mrs. Haw-
thorne later found her possessed of great fascination of
manner, even in general society, where Hawthorne was
quite impenetrable. The story of his running down
to the Concord River and taking boat to escape his
visitors has been long familiar to us all. Mrs. Haw-
thorne, no doubt, with a woman's tact and a woman's
generosity, overcame her own shyness in order to re-
ceive those guests whom Hawthorne ran away from,
and through life remained his better angel. It was
through this absence of expressed sympathy that Eng-
lish people became very agreeable to Hawthorne. He
describes, in his " Note Book," a speech made by him
at a dinner in England : " When I was called upon,"
he says, "I rapped my head, and it returned a hollow
sound."
He had, however, been sitting next to a shy English
lawyer, a man who won upon him by his quiet, unob-
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AKSCBOTE OF HAWTBOBNB'S SHYNESS. 319
trusive simplicity, and who, in some well-chosen words,
rather made light of dinner-speaking and its terrors.
When Hawthorne finally got up and made his speech,
his "voice, meantime, having a far-off and remote
echo," and when, as we learn from others, a burst of
applause greeted the few well-chosen words drawn up
from that full well of thought, that pellucid rill of
"English undefiled," the unobtrusive gentleman by
his side applauded, and said to him, " It was hand-
somely done." The compliment pleased the shy man.
It is the only compliment to himself which Hawthorne
ever recorded.
Now, had Hawthorne been congratulated by a sym-
pathetic, effusive American who had clapped him on
the back, and who had said, "Oh, never fear — you will
speak well !" he would have said nothing. The shy
sprite in his own eyes would have read in his neigh-
bor's eyes the dreadful truth that his sympathetic
neighbor would have indubitably betrayed — a fear
that he would not do well. The phlegmatic and stony
Englishman neither felt nor cared whether Hawthorne
spoke well or ill ; and, although pleased that he did
speak well, invested no particular sympathy in the
matter, either for or against, and so spared Haw-
thorne's shyness the last bitter drop in the cup, which
would have been a recognition of his own moral dread.
Hawthorne bitterly records his own sufferings. He
says, in one of his books, "At this time I acquired this
accursed habit of solitude." It has been said that the
Hawthorne family were, in the earlier generation, af-
flicted with shyness almost as a disease — certainly a
curious freak of nature in a family descended from
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320 MANNEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
robust sea-captains. It only goes to prove how far
away are the influences which control our natures and
our actions.
Whether, if Hawthorne had not been a shy man^
afflicted with a sort of horror of his species at times,
always averse to letting himself go, miserable and
morbid, we should have been the inheritors of the great
fortune which he has left us, is not for us to decide.
Whether we should have owned " The Gentle Boy,"
the immortal "Scarlet Letter," "The House mth
Seven Gables," the "Marble Faun," and all the
other wonderful things which grew out of that se-
cluded and gifted nature, had he been bom a cheer-
ful, popular, and sympathetic boy, with a dancing-
school manner, instead of an awkward and shy
youth (although an exceedingly handsome one), we
cannot' tell. That is the great secret behind the veil.
The answer is not yet made, the oracle has not
spoken,, and we must not invade the penumbra of
genius.
It has always been a comfort to the awkward and
the shy that Washington could not make an after-
dinner speech ; and the well-known anecdote — " Sit
down, Mr. Washington, your modesty is even greater
than your valor " — ^must have consoled many a voice-
less hero. Washington Irving tried to welcome
Dickens, but failed in the attempt, while Dickens was
as voluble as he was gifted. Probably the very sur-
roundings of sympathetic admirers unnerved both
Washington and Irving, although there are some men
who can never " speak on their legs," as the saying
goes, in any society.
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THE UNCBRTAINTY OF THE VOICE. 321
Other shy men — men who fear general society, and
show embarrassment in the every-day surroundings —
are eloquent when they get on their feet. Many a
shy boy at college has astonished his friends by his
ability in an after-dinner speech. Many a voluble,
glib boy, who has been appointed the orator of the oc-
casion, fails utterly, disappoints public expectation,
and sits down with an uncomfortable mantle of failure
upon his shoulders. Therefore, the ways of shyness
are inscrutable. Many a woman who has never known
what it was to be bashful or shy has, when called
upon to read a copy of verses, even to a circle of in-
timate friends, lost her voice, and has utterly broken
down, to her own and her friends' great astonish-
ment.
The voice is a treacherous servant; it deserts us,
trembles, makes a failure of it, is " not present or ac-
counted for" often when we need its help. It is not
alone in the shriek of the hysterical that we learn of
its lawlessness, it is in its complete retirement. A
bride, often, even when she felt no other embarrass-
ment, has found that she had no voice with which to
make her responses. It simply was not there !
A lady who was presented at court, and who felt —
as she described herself — ^wonderfully at her ease, be-
gan talking, and, without wishing to speak loud, dis-
covered that she was shouting like a trumpeter. The
somewhat unusual strain which she had put upon her-
self, during the ordeal of being presented at the Eng-
lish court, revenged itself by an outpouring of voice
which she could not control.
Many shy people have recognized in themselves this
21
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822 UANNBBS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
curious and unconscious elevation of the voice. It is
not so common as a loss of voice, but it is quite as un-
controllable.
The bronchial tubes play us another trick when we
are frightened: the voice is the voice of somebody
else, it has no resemblance to our own. Ventriloquism
might well study the phenomena of shyness, for the
voice becomes bass that was treble, and soprano that
which was contralto.
" I dislike to have Wilthorpe come to see me," said
a very shy woman — "I know my voice will squeak
so," With her Wilthorpe, who for some reason drove
her into an agony of shyness, had the effect of mak-
ing her talk in a high, unnatural strain, excessively
fatiguing.
The presence of one's own family, who are naturally
painfully sympathetic, has. always had upon the bash-
ful and the shy a most evil effect.
"I can never plead a cause before my father."
" Nor I before my son," said two distinguished law-
yers. ^^If mamma is in the room, I shall never be
able to get through my part," said a young amateur
actor.
But here we must pause to note another exception
in the laws of shyness.
In the false perspective of the stage shyness often
disappears. The shy man, speaking the words, and
assuming the character of another, often loses his shy-
ness. It is himself of whom he is afraid, not of Tony
Lumpkin or of Charles Surface, of Hamlet or of Claude
Melnotte. Behind their masks he can speak well; but
if he at his own dinner - table essays to speak, and
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METHOD OF CONVERSING WITH SHY PEOPLE. 323
mamma watches him with sympathetic eyes, and his
brothers and sisters are all listening, he fails.
** Lord Percy sees me fall."
Yet it is with our own people that we must stand or
fall, live or die ; it is in our own circle that we must
conquer our shyness.
Now, these reflections are not intended as an argu-
ment against sympathy properly expressed. A rea-
sonable and judiciously expressed sympathy with our
fellow-beings is the very highest attribute of our nature.
" It unravels secrets more surely than the highest crit-
ical faculty. Analysis of motives that sway men and
women is like the knife of the anatomist : it works on
the dead. Unite sympathy to observation, and the
dead spring to life." It is thus to the shy, in their
moments of tremor, that we should endeavor to be
calmly unsympathetic ; not cruel, but indifferent, un-
observant.
Now, women of genius who obtain a reflected com-
prehension of certain aspects of life through sympathy
often arrive at the admirable result of apprehending
the sufferings of the shy without seeming to observe
them. Such a woman, in talking to a shy man, will
not seem to see him ; she will prattle on about herself,
or tell some funny anecdote of how she was tumbled
out into the snow, or how she spilled her glass of
claret at dinner, or how she got just too late to the
lecture ; and while she is thus absorbed in her little
improvised autobiography, the shy man gets hold of
himself and ceases to be afraid of her. This is the
secret of tact.
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324 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
Madame Recamiery the famous beauty, was always
somewhat shy. She was not a wit, but she possessed
the gift of drawing out what was best in others. Her
biographers have blamed her that she had not a more
impressionable temper, that she was not more sympa-
thetic. Perhaps (in spite of her courage when she
took up contributions in the churches dressed as a
Neo- Greek) she was always hampered by shyness.
She certainly attracted all the best and most gifted
of her time, and had a noble fearlessness in friend-
ship, and a constancy which she showed by following
Madame de Stael into exile, and in her devotion to
Ballenche and Chateaubriand. She had the genius of
friendship, a native sincerity, a certain reality of nat-
ure — ^those fine qualities which so often accompany the
shy that we almost, as we read biography and history,
begin to think that shyness is but a veil for all the
virtues.
Perhaps to this shyness, or to this hidden sympathy,
did Madame R6camier owe that power over all men
which survived her wonderful beauty. The blind and
poor old woman of the Abbaye had not lost her charm ;
the most eminent men and women of her day followed
her there, and enjoyed her quiet (not very eloquent)
conversation. She had a wholesome heart; it kept her
from folly when she was young, from a too over-facile
sensitiveness to which an impressionable, sympathetic
temperament would have betrayed her. Her firm,
sweet nature was not flurried by excitement ; she had
a steadfastness in her social relations which has left
behind an everlasting renown to her name.
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USB OP SOCIETY. 325
And what are, after all, these social relations which
call for so much courage, and which can create so
much suffering to most of us as we conquer for them
our awkwardness and our shyness? Let us pause for
a moment, and try to be just. Let us contemplate
these social ethics, which call for so much that is,
perhaps, artificial and troublesome and contradictory.
Society, so long as it is the congregation of the good,
the witty, the bright, the intelligent, and the gifted,
is the thing most necessary to us all. We are apt to
like it and its excitements almost too well, or to hate
it, with its excesses and its mistakes, too bitterly.
We are rarely just to society.
The rounded and harmonious and temperate under-
standing and use of society is, however, the very end
and aim of education. We are born to live with each
other and not for ourselves ; if we are cheerful, our
cheerfulness was given to us to make bright the lives
of those about us; if we have genius, that is a sacred
trust; if we have beauty, wit, joyousness, it was given
us for the delectation of others, not for ourselves; if
we are awkward and shy, we are bound to break the
crust and to show that within us is beauty, cheerful-
ness, and wit. " It is but the fool who loves excess."
The best human being should moderately like society.
THE END.
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Sunrise 12mo 1 25
- 4to, Paper 15
That Beautiful Wretch. Illustrated 12mo 1 25
Illustrated. 4to, Paper 20
The Maid of Killeena, and Other Stories 40
The Monarch of Mincing-Lane. Illustrated 50
The Strange Adventures of a Phaeton 50
12mo 1 25
Three Feathers. Illustrated 12mo 1 25
White Wings. Illustrated 12rao 1 25
4to, Paper 20
Yolande. Illustrated 12mo 1 25
Illustrated. 4to, Paper 20
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PKIOK
BLACKMORE'S Alice Lorraine % 50
Christowell 4to, Paper 20
Clara Vaughan 4to, Paper 16
Cradock Nowell 60
Gripps, tbe Carrier, lllusti-ated 60
Ercma 50
Loroa Doone 25 cents; 12mo 1 00
MarjAnerley 16ino, Cloth 1 OO
4to, Paper 15
The Maid of Sker 50
BENEDICT'S John Wortliiiigtoiru Name 75
Miss Dorothy's Charge 75
Miss Van Kortland 60
Mr. Vaughan's Heir. 75
My Daughter Elinor 80
St. Simon's Niece 60
BREAD-WINNERS, THE 16mo, Cloth 1 00
BULWER'S Alice 86
A Strange Story. Illustrated 50
12mo 1 25
Deverenx 40
Ernest Maltravers S5
Eugene Aram 35
Godolphin 35
Harold, the Last of the Saxon Kings 60
Kenelm Chillingly 50
12mo 1 25
Leila 25
12mo 1 00
Lucretia 40
My Novel 75
2 vols. 12mo 2 50
Night and Morning 50
Paul Clifford 40
Pausauius the Spartan 25
12mo 76
Pelham 40
Ricnzi 4U
The Caxtons 60
12mo 1 25
The Coming Race 12mo, Paper 50
Cloth 1 00
The Disowned 60
The Last Days of Pompeii 25
4to, Paper ] 5
The Last of the Barons 50
The Parisians. Illustrated 60
Illustrated. 12mo 1 50
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BULWER'S The Pilgriraa of the Rhine $ 20
What will He do with it? 75
Zanonl 85
BRADDON'S (Miss) An Open Verdict 85
A Strange World 40
Asphodel 4to, Paper 15
Aurora Floyd 40
Barbara; or,SpIendid Misery 4to, Paper 16
Birds of Prey. Illustrated 60
Bound to John Company. lilustratod 60
Charlotte*8 Inheritance 85
Dead Men's Shoes 40
Dead Sea Fruit. Illustrated 60
Eleanor^s Victory 60
Fenton's Quest. Illustrated 60
Flower and Weed 4to, Paper 10
Hostages to Fortune. Illustrated 60
John Marchraont's Legacy 60
Joshua Haggard's Daughter. Illustrated 60
Just as I Am 4to, Paper 15
Lost for Love. Illustrated 60
Mistletoe Bough, 18'78. Edited by M. E. Braddon. 4to, Paper 16
Mistletoe Bough, 1879. Edited by M. E. Braddon. 4to, Paper 10
Mount Royal 4to, Paper 16
Phantom Fortune 4to, Paper 20
Publicans and Sinners 60
Strangers and Pilgrims. Illustrated 60
Taken at the Flood 60
The Cloven Foot 4to, Paper 15
The Levels of Arden. Illustrated 60
To the Bitter End. Illustrated 60
Under the Red Flag 4to, Paper 10
Vixen 4to, Paper 16
Weavers and Weft 25
BROXTlfi'S (Charlotte) Jane Eyre 40
Illustrated. 12mo 1 00
4to, Paper 15
Shirley. 60
Illustrated. l2mo 1 00
The Professor. Illustrated 12mo 1 00
Villette 60
Illustrated. 12rao 1 00
(Anna) The Tenant of Wildfell Hall. Illustrated 12mo 1 00
(Emily) Wutheriujr Height.*?. Illustrated 12nio 1 00
CRAIK'S (Miss G.M.) Dorcas 4to, Paper 16
Mildred 80
Anne Warwick 26
Fortune's Marriage 4io, Paper 20
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CRAIK'S (Miss G. M.) Hard to Boar $ 30
Sydney 4to, Paper 15
Sylvia's Choice 80
Two Women 4to, Paper 16
COLLINSES Antomna 40
Armadale. Illustrated 60
Man and Wife 4to, Paper 20
My Lady's Money 32mo, Paper 26
No Name. Illustrated 60
Percy and the Prophet. 82mo, Paper 20
Poor Miss Finch. Illustrated 60
The Law and the Lady. Illustrated 50
The Moonstone. Illustrated 60
The New Magdalen 30
The Two Destinies. Illustrated 35
The Woman in White. Illustrated 60
COLLINSES Illustrated Library Edition 12mOy per vol. 1 26
After Bark, and Other Stories. — Antonina. — Armadale. —
Basil. — Hide-and-Seek. — Man and Wife. — My Miscel-
lanies. — ^No Name. — ^Poor Miss Finch. — The Dead Secret.
— ^The Law and the Lady. — The Moonstone. — The New
Magdalen. — The Queen of Hearts. — The Two Destinies.
— ^The Woman in White.
DICKENS'S NOVELS. Illustrated.
A Tale of Two Cities... 50
Cloth 1 00
Barnaby Rudge 1 00
Cloth 1 50
Bleak House 100
Cloth 1 60
Christmas Stories 1 00
Cloth 1 50
David Copperfield 1 00
Cloth 1 50
DombeyandSon 1 00
Cloth 1 50
Great Expectations 1 00
Cloth 1 50
Little Dorrit 1 00
Cloth 1
Martin Chuzzlewit 1
Cloth 1
50
00
50
Cloth
The Uncommercial Traveller,
Hard Times, and Edwin
Drood
Cloth
Hmper*s Household l>kkem, 16 vols., Cloth, in box, $22 00.
The same in 8 toIs., Cloth, $20 00 ; Imitation Half Mo-
rocco, $22 00 ; Half Calf, $40 00.
DE MILLE'S A Castle in Spain. Illustrated
Illustrated. Cloth
Nicholas Nickleby 1 00
Cloth 1
Oliver Twist
Cloth 1
1
Cloth 1
Pickwick Papers 1
Our Mutual Friend.,
Cloth
4 to. Paper
Pictures from Italy, Sketch-
es by Boz, and American
Notes
Cloth
50
50
00
00
50
00
50
20
1 00
1 50
The Old Curiosity Shop '75
1 25
00
50
50
00
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PBIOB
DE MILLE'S Cord and Creese. Illustrated $ 60
The American Baron. Illustrated 50
The Cryptogram. Illustrated 76
The Dodge Club. Illustrated 60 cents; Cloth 1 10
The Livinj? Link. Illustrated 60 cents; Cloth 1 10
DISRAELI'S (Earl of Beaconsfield) Endymion 4to, Paper 15
The Young Dake 12mo 1 50
4to, Paper 16
ELIOT'S (George) Novels. Library Edition. Illustrated
1 2mo, per vol. 1 25
Adam Bede. — Daniel Deronda, 2 vols. — Felix Holt, the Rad-
ical. — Middlemarch, 2 vols. — Romola. — Scenes of Clerical
Life, aiid Silas Mamer. — The Mill on the Floss.
ELIOrS (George) Novels. Popular Edition. Illustrated
12rao, pervol. 75
Adam Bede. — Daniel Deronda, 2 vols. — Felix Holt, the Rad-
ical. — Middlemarch, 2 vols. — Romola. — Scenes of Clerical
Life, and Silas Marncr. — The Mill on the Floss.
ELIOT'S (George) Amos Barton 32mo, Paper 20
Brother Jacob.— The Lifted Veil 32mo, Paper 20
Daniel Deronda 50
Felix Holt, the Radical 50
Janet's Repentance 32mo, Paper 20
Middlemarch 76
Mr.Gilfil's Love Story 32mo, Paper 20
Romola. Illustrated 60
Scenes of Clerical Life 50
The Mill on the Floss 50
GASKELL'S (Mrs.) A Dark Night's Work 25
Cousin Phillis 20
Cranford 16mo 1 25
Mary Barton 40
4to, Paper 20
Moorland Cottage ...18mo 75
My Lady Ludlow 20
North and South 40
Right at Last, &c 12mo 1 50
Sylvia's Lovers 40
Wives and Daughters. Illustrated 60
HARRISON'S (Mrs.) Helen Troy 16 mo. Cloth 1 00
Golden Rod 32mo, Paper 25
HAY'S (M. C.) A Dark Inheritance 32mo, Paper 15
A Shadow on the Threshold 82mo, Paper 20
Among the Ruins, and Other Stories 4to, Paper 1 5
At the Seaside, and Other Stories 4to, Paper 1 6
Back to the Old Home 32mo, Paper 20
Bid Me Discourse 4to, Paper 10
Dorothy's Venture 4to, Paper 15
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HAY'S (M. C.) For Her Dear Sake 4to, Paper<> 15
Hidden Perils 25
Into the Shade, and Other Stories 4to, Paper 15
Lady Oarmichaers Will 32mo, Paper 15
Missing 32mo, Paper 20
My First Offer, and Other Stories 4to, Paper 1 5
Nora's Love Test 25
Old Myddelton'a Money 25
Reaping the Whirlwind 32roo, Paper 20
The Arundel Motto 25
The Sorrow of a Secret 32mo, Paper 15
The Squire's Legacy 25
Under Life's Key, and Other Stories 4to, Paper 1 5
Victor and Vanquished 25
HUGO'S Ninety-Three. Illustrated 25 cents ; 1 2mo 1 75
The Toilers of the Sea 60 cents; Illustrated. Cloth 1 50
JAMES'S (Henry, Jun.) Daisy Miller 32mo, Paper 20
An International Episode 32mo, Paper 20
Diary of a Man of Fifty, and A Bundle of Letters
32rao, Paper 25
TJiefour above-mentioned works in otie volume AU)^ Paper 25
Washington Square. Illustrated 16mo, Cloth 1 25
JOHNSTON'S (R.M.) Dukesborough Tales
Illustrated. 4to, Paper 25
Old MarkLangston 16mo, Cloth 1 00
LAWRENCE'S Anteros 40
Brakespeare 40
Breaking a Butterfly 35
Guy Livingstone riino, $1 50;4to,Paper 10
Hagarene 35
Maurice Bering 25
Sans Merci 35
Sword and Gown 20
LEVER'S A Day's Ride 40
Harrington 40
Gerald Fitzgerald 40
Lord Eilgobbin. Illustrated 50
Luttrell of Arran 60
Maurice Tiernay 60
One of Them 60
Roland Cashel. Illustrated 75
Sir Brook Fosbrooke 60
Sir Jasper Carew ; 60
That Boy of Norcott's. Illustrated 25
The Bramleighs of Bishop's Folly 60
TheDaltons 75
The Dodd Family Abroad 60
The Fortunes of Glencore 50
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PEIOF.
LEVER»S The Martins of Cro' Martin $ 6\)
Tony Butler 60
McCarthy's Comet of a Season 4to, Paper 20
Donna Quixote 4to, Paper 16
Maid of Athens 4to, Paper 20
My Enemy's Daughter. Illustrated 50
The Commander's Statue 32mO) Paper 15
The Waterdale Neighbors 35
MACDOXALD'S Alec Forbes 60
Annals of a Quiet Neighborhood 12mo 1 25
Donal Grant 4to, Paper 20
Guild Court 40
Warlock o' Glenwarlock 4to, Paper 20
Weighed and Wanting 4to, Paper 20
MULOCK'S (Miss) A Brave Lady. Illustrated 60
12mo 1 25
A French Country Family. Translated, Dlustrated...l2mo 1 60
Agatha's Husband 35
Illustrated. 12mo 1 25
A Hero, &c 12mo 1 25
A Life for a Life 40
12mo 1 25
A Noble Life 12mo 1 25
Avillion, and Other Tales 60
Christian's Mistake 12mo 1 25
Hannah. Illustrated 35
. . 12mo 1 25
Head of the Family 50
Illustrated. 12mo 1 25
His Little Mother 12mo 1 25
4to, Paper 10
^ John Halifax, Gentleman 50
Illustrated. 12mo 1 25
4to, Paper 15
Mistress and Maid 30
12mo 1 25
Motherless. Translated. Illustrated r2mo 1 60
My Mother and L Illustrated 40
12mo 1 25
Nothing New 30
Ogilvies 35
Illustrated. 12mo 1 25
Olive 35
Illustrated. 12mo 1 26
The Laurel Bush. Illustrated 25
12mo 1 25
The Woman's Kingdom. Illustrated 60
12mo 1 25
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8 Harper ik Brothers^ Popular Novels.
MULOCK'S (Miss) Two Marriages 12mof 1 25
Unkind Word, and Other Stories 12mo 1 26
Young Mrs. Jardine. 12mo, f 1 25 ; 4tO) Paper 10
NORRIS'S Heaps of Money 15
Mademoiselle de Mersac 4to, Paper 20
No New Thing 4to, Paper 25
Thirlbj Hall Illustrated. 4to, Paper 26
OLIPHANT'S (Mrs.) Agnes 60
A Son of the Soil. 50
Athelings 60
Brownlows , 50
Caritii. Illustrated 50
Chronicles of Carlingford 60
Days of My Life 12mo 1 50
For Love an*d Life 50
Harry Joscelyn 4to, Paper 20
He That WiU Not when He May 4to, Paper 20
Hester 4to, Paper 20
Innocent. Illustrated 50
It was a Lover and His Lass 4to, Paper 20
John: a Love Story « 25
Katie Stewart 20
Lady Jane 4to, Paper 10 ,
Lucy Crofton 12mo 1 50 '
Madonna Mary 60
Hiss Marjoribanks 50
Mrs. Arthur 40
Ombra 50
Phoebe, Junior 86
SkTom •. 4to, Paper 20
Squire Arden 60
The Curate in Charge 20
The Fugitives 4to, Paper 10
The Greatest Heiress in England 4to, Paper 10
The House on the Moor 12mo 1 65
The Ladies Lindores 16mo, Cloth, $1 00; 4 to, Paper 20
The Laird of Norlaw 12mo 1 60
The Last of the Mortimers 12mo I 60
The Minister's Wife 60
The Perpetual Curate 50
The Primrose Path 50
The Quiet Heart. 20
The Story of Valentine and his Brother 50
The Wizard's Son 4to, Paper 26
Within the Precincts 4to, Paper 16
Young Musgrave 40
PAYN'S (James) A Beggar on Horseback 35
A Confidential Agent 4to, Paper 16
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Harper d: Brothers' Popular Novels,
PAYN'S (James) A Grape from a Thorn 4to, Papeif 20
A Woman's Vengeance, 85
At Her Mercy. 30
Bred in the Bone 40
By Proxy 35
Carlyon*8 Year 25
Cecil's Tryst 30
For Cash Only 4to, Paper 20
Found Dead 25
From Exile 4to, Paper 16
Gwendoline's Harvest 26
Halves.. 30
High Spirits 4to, Paper 15
Kit. Illustrated 4to, Paper 20
Less Black than We're Painted 35
Murphy's Master 20
One of the Family 25
The Best of Husbands 25
The Canon's Ward Illustrated. 4to, Paper 25
Thicker than Water I6mo, Cloth, $1 00 ; 4to, Paper 20
Under One Roof 4to, Paper 15
Walter's Word : 50
What He Cost Her 40
Won— Not Wooed 85
READE'S Novels : Household Edition, Ill'd 12mo,pervol. 1 00
A Simpleton and the Wander-
ing Heir.
A Terrible Temptation,
A Woman-Hater.
Foul Play.
Griffith Gaunt.
Hard Cash.
It is Never Too Late to Mend.
Love me Little, Love me Long.
Peg Woffington, Christie John-
stone, &C.
Put Yourself in Ilis Place.
The Cloister and the Hearth.
White Lies.
READE'S (Charles) A Hero and a Martyr 16
A Simpleton....." .' 85
A Terrible Temptation. Illustrated 40
A Woman-Hater. Illustrated 60
Foul Play 35
Griffith Gaunt. Illustrated 40
Hard Cash. Illustrated 60
It is Never Too Late to Mend 60
Love Me Little, Love Me Long 35
Multum in Parvo. Illustrated ..4to, Paper 16
Peg Woffington, &c 60
Put Yourself in His Place. Illustrated 60
The Cloister and the Hearth 60
The Jilt 32mo, Paper 20
The Wandering Heir. Illustrated 26
White Lies 40
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BICE & BESANrS All Sorts and Conditions of Men...4to, Paper$ 20
By Celiacs Arbor. Illustrated 8 vo, Paper 60
Shepherds All and Maidens Fair 82mo, Paper 25
" So they were Married I" Illustrated 4to, Paper 20
Sweet Nelly, My Heart's Delight 4to, Paper 10
The Captains' Room 4to, Paper 10
The Chaplain of the Fleet 4to, Paper 20
The Golden Butterfly 40
'Twas in Trafalgar's Bay 32mo, Paper 20
When the Ship Comes Home 32mo, Paper 25
ROBINSON'S (F. W.) A Bridge of Glass 30
A GirPs Romance, and Other Stories 30
As Long as She Lired. 50
Carry's Confession 60
Christie's Faith 12mo 1 76
Coward Conscience 4to, Paper 16
For Her Sake. Illustrated 60
Her Face was Her Fortune 40
Little Kate Kirby, Illustrated 60
Mattie: a Stray 40
No Man's Friend 50
Othello the Second 32mo, Paper 20
Poor Humanity 50
Poor Zeph! 32mo, Paper 20
Romance on Four Wheels 15
Second-Cousin Sarah. Illustrated 50
Stem Necessity 40
The Barmaid at Battleton 82mo, Paper 15
The Black Speck 4to, Paper 10
The Hands of Justice 4to, Paper 20
The Romance of a Back Street 32mo, Paper 15
True to Herself 50
RUSSELL'S (W. Clarke) Auld Lang Syne 4to,Paper 10
A Sailor's Sweetheart 4to, Paper 15
A Sea Queen 16mo, Clotli, f 1 00; 4to, Paper 20
An Ocean Free Lance 4to, Paper 20
Jack's Courtship 4to, Paper 25
Little Loo 4to, Paper 20
My Watch Below 4to, Paper 20
Round the Galley Fire 4to, Paper 15
The " Lady Maud :" Schooner Yacht. lU'd 4to, Paper 20
Wreck of the " Gros venor " 30 cents ; 4to, Paper 1 5
SHERWOOD'S (Mrs. John) A Transplanted Rose.... 12mo, Cloth 1 00
TABOR'S (Eliza) Eglantine 40
Hope Meredith 85
Jeanie's Quiet Life 30
Little Miss Primrose 4to, Paper 15
Meta's Faith 36
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PRioa
TABOR'S (Eliza) St. Olave's $ 40
The Blue Ribbon 40
The Last of Her Line 4to, Paper 15
The Senior Songman 4to,Paper 20
THACKERAY'S (Miss) Bluebeard's Keys 35
Da Capo. 82mo, Paper 20
Miscellaneous Works , 90
Miss Angel. Illustrated 50
Miss Williamson's DiTagations 4to, Paper 15
Old Kensington. Illustrated 60
Village on the Cliflf. Illustrated 25
THACKERAY'S (W. M.) Denis Duval. Illustrated 25
Henry Esmond, and LoTel the Widower. 12 Illustrations.. 60
HenryEsmond 50 cents; 4to,Paper 15
LoTel the Widower 20
Pendennis. 179 Illustrations 75
The Adventures of Philip. 64 Illustrations 60
The Great Hoggarty Diamond 20
TheNewcomes. 162 Illustrations 90
The Virginians. 150 Illustrations 90
Vanity Fair. 82 Illustrations 80
THACKERAY'S Works: Household Edition 12mo,pervol. 1 25
Novd«: Vanity Fair. — ^Pendennis. — ^The Newcomes. — The
Virginians. — Philip. — Esmond, and Lovel the Widower.
6 vols. lU'd. MiseeUaneous: Barry Lyndon, Hoggarty
Diamond, &c. — ^Paris and Irish Sketch-Booka, &c. — ^Book
of Snobs, Sketches, &c. — ^Four Georges, English Humorists,
Roundabout Papers, &c. — Catharine, &c. 5 vols. lU'd.
TROLLOPE'S (Anthony) An Eye for an Eye 4to, Paper 10
Ayala's Angel 4to, Paper 20
Brown, Jones, and Robinson.... 85
Can You Forgive Her ? Illustrated 80
Castle Richmond 12mo 1 60
Cousin Henry 4to, Paper 10
Doctor Thome 12mo 1 50
Doctor Wortle's School 4to, Paper 15
Framley Parsonage. 4to, Paper 15
Harry Heathcote of Gangoil. Illustrated 20
He Knew He was Right. Illustrated 80
Is HePopenjoy? 4to, Paper 20
John Caldigate... 4to, Paper 15
Kept in the Dark 4to, Paper ' 15
Lady Anna 80
Marion Fay. Illustrated 4to, Paper 20
Miss Mackenzie 85
Mr. Scarborough's Family 4to, Paper 20
Orley Fai-m. Illustrated 80
PhincasFinn. Illustrated 76
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rsiOB
TROLLOPFS (Anthony) Phineas Redux. Illastrated $ 75
RftchelRaj 35
Ralph the Heir. Illustrated T5
Sir Harry Hotspur of Humbleth waite. Illustrated 85
The American Senator 50
The Belton Estote 85
The Bertrams 4to, Paper 16
The Clayerings. lUusti-ated. 50
The Duke's Children 4to, Paper 20
The Eustace Diamonds. Illustrated 80
The Fixed Period 4to, Paper 15
The Golden Lion of Gran pere. Illustrated 40
The Lady of Launay 32mo, Paper 20
The Last Chronicle of Barset Illustrated 90
The Prime Minister 60
The Small House at Allington. Illustrated T5
The Three Clerks 12mo 1 50
The Vicar of Bullhampton. Illustrated 80
The Warden, and Barchester Towers. In one volume 60
The Way We Live Now. Illusti-ated 90
Thompson Hall. Illustrated 32mo,Paper 20
Why Frau Frohman Raised her Prices, &c 4to, Paper 10
WALLACE'S (Lew) Ben-Hur 16mo, Cloth 1 60
WAVERLEY NOVELS:
Thistlk Edition : 48 Vols., Green Cloth, with 2000
Illustrations, $1 00 per vol. ; Half Morocco, Gilt Tops,
$1 50 per vol. ; Half Morocco, Extra, $2 25 per vol.
HoLTROOD EnmoN : 48 Vols., Brown Cloth, with 2000
Illustrations, 75 cents per vol. ; Half Morocco, Gilt Tops,
$1 50 per vol. ; Half Morocco, Extra, f 2 25 per vol.
Popular Edition : 24 Vols, (two vols, in one), Green
Cloth, with 2000 Illustrations, $1 25 per vol. ; Half Moroc-
co, $2 25 per vol. ; Half Morocco, Extra, $3 00 per vol.
Waverley; Guy Mannering; The Antiquary ; Rob Roy;
Old Mortality ; The Heart of Mid-Lothian ; A Legend of
Montrose; The Bride of Lammermoor ; The Black Dwarf;
Ivanhoe ; The Monastery ; The Abbot ; Eenilworth ; The
Pii-ate; The Fortunes of Nigel; Peveril of the Peak;
Quentin Durward ; St. Ronan^s Well ; Redgauntlet ; The
Betrothed; The Talisman ; Woodstock; Chronicles of the
Canongate, The Highland Widow, &c. ; The Fair Maid of
Perth ; Anne of Geierstein ; Count Robert of Paris ; Cas-
tle Dangerous ; The Surgeou^s Daughter ; Glossary.
WOOLSON'S (C. F.) Anne. Illustrated 16mo, Cloth 1 25
For the Major. Illustrated 16mo, Cloth 1 00
BF" Harprk & Bbotuers v>ill ttend any of the above worku by mail^ postage
prepaid, to any part of tfte United States, on receipt of the price.
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